Divorce and Family Law in Tarrant County, Texas

What Should I Expect as I Start a Divorce?

2012-01-14T09:46:00.000-08:00

There are some fairly standardized process steps that can be expected in a contested Tarrant County, Texas divorce case. The steps vary, depending upon whether you are in the litigation process or you are using Collaborative Law. Keep in mind that each case is a little different from all others. It is not unusual for cases to veer off course and attorneys will sometimes try different tactics in different cases. In general, here are some common steps that follow the initial attorney-client meeting.

Litigation Process

1. The attorney will prepare and file a petition for divorce. Sometimes, there's a restraining order with the petition. The petition (and TRO, if there is one) must be served on the other spouse unless a waiver of service is signed and returned by the spouse, or the spouse simply files an answer -- which happens sometimes when there is some degree of communication and cooperation between the parties at the outset.

2. A temporary hearing may be scheduled. When the divorce is filed, it is very common for the attorney to get an order setting a temporary hearing to settle basic issues temporarily -- not a final disposition. The issues often include: use of the residence and vehicles, support, responsibility to pay bills, child support, terms for sharing time with the children, control over some financial matters and possibly other issues. While a "hearing" is scheduled, there's rarely a real hearing in Tarrant County. Most of the time, the attorneys are able to work out agreements, sometimes after a conference with the judge. Some judges will have an informal hearing, but most decisions don't result from a process that remotely resembles what is portrayed on TV.

3. The parties operate under temporary orders. The TO's will last until the divorce is finalized, but they are sometimes modified. That could be done by agreement, but it's more common to go back to court for additional temporary orders. There can also be motions for enforcement of the TO's if one party believes the other has violated the orders. In contentious cases, there are often multiple hearings before there's a final hearing.

4. Discovery takes place. This is the stage of the process where information is requested and provided by both sides. Very broad and comprehensive requests are usually sent out. Depositions can be taken of the parties and other witnesses. Sometimes, there are objections to the requests or complaints about the information furnished or not furnished. There can be multiple hearings on those disputes. The gathering, review and organization of the information is very time consuming in most cases.

5. Experts are appointed or hired sometimes. The experts may be used to value real estate or a business or some other asset. Other experts may do psychological evaluations or custody investigations. Drug testing or paternity testing can also be ordered. Sometimes the court will appoint one neutral expert (with each party paying half the cost), and sometimes each party will hire his or her own competing expert.

6. Negotiations occur. In most cases, the parties negotiate. There is usually some effort for negotiations between attorneys, but most often cases get settled in mediation. Almost every time, a family court judge in Tarrant County will order the parties to go to mediation before they can appear for trial. The reason is that about 90-95% of cases settle in mediation and that frees up court time for more difficult cases.

7. There's a trial, if there's no agreement. The trial will normally be 6 to 9 to 12 months, or more, after the case was originally filed. Another option is to request arbitration, which can be a little expedited, if both parties agree, but it is rarely used.

8. Final orders are prepared after a trial or an agreement is reached. The final orders include a decree of divorce and sometimes an agreement incident to divorce (AID). In addition, there may qualified domestic relations orders (QDROs) if there are retirement benefits to divide. There can be a substantial number of deeds and other documents as well to implement the terms of the decree.

Collaborative Law

Assuming that both parties want to use Collaborative Law and that they each have hired trained Collaborative Law attorneys, here are the usual steps that are followed in Texas Collaborative cases. Note: the parties agree to not go to court for contested hearings and don't do formal discovery.

1. Initial meeting. At the first joint meeting, the attorneys and parties review the participation agreement and sign it. The agreement outlines the commitments of everyone to the process and explains how the process works. It also contains a temporary agreement that is usually signed that maintains the status quo regarding financial matters. Sometimes goals of the parties are reviewed at the first meeting; other times, the goals are discussed at the second meeting.

2. Gathering information. The parties begin immediately to gather information. Various specific financial documents are produced and shared. Normally, the financial professional directs and works with the parties to efficiently identify financial concerns and gather information about them. On children's issues, the child specialist or the mental health professional, whichever is handling those issues, will direct the parties in gathering information. Sometimes, joint neutral experts are hired to value a business or real estate or other assets. It usually takes several meetings to gather and review the information. Much of the preliminary work is done by the parties with the respective professionals, but without the attorneys, until there is a joint meeting to review information.

3. Option development. This step takes place after the information gathering. The parties, with their attorneys and the other professionals, brainstorm to create options that address the goals of each party.

4. Negotiations. After coming up with multiple options, the parties take time to review and evaluate their options. In the discussions of the options, new options are often created by modifying other ideas. As a result, the parties usually are able to come up with creative and beneficial solutions to meet their goals.

5. Final paperwork. Once the parties have reached agreement, the final papers are prepared, just like in litigated divorces. The decree and AID are signed by the parties and attorneys and then the judge. Any additional paperwork is prepared as needed to implement the agreements.

Most Collaborative cases can be resolved in a few months, but the process easily allows a longer time period for especially difficult cases.

Caution: "Your mileage may vary" -- Check with a local attorney for information about the cost and timing for a divorce considering the unique facts of your case. For more information about Collaborative Law, check out my Texas Collaborative Law blog.

Getting Started: What Information is Needed?

2012-01-10T09:00:00.000-08:00

Overview: This is a quick summary of useful information that you can bring to a meeting with an attorney.

1. Immediate needs. Think about what you need to get by right now. What are your financial needs? Safety needs? Transportation needs? Travel schedule? Kids' needs? You probably have monthly statements, letters, memos, notices, contracts and other records that relate to your immediate needs.

2. What are your end objectives. Consider what you want to end up with and gather any relevant information about that. For example: school costs, transportation needs, insurance, job training, retirement plans, debts to pay, housing, etc. Think about your long-term needs and wishes.

3. Get what you can. On a practical level, you may not have access to a great deal of information, so just grab and copy what you can. If you do have access to a substantial amount of information, go ahead and start copying it. You will likely need it at some time during the litigation process. Don't wait until later because things tend to disappear.

Essentials to Look For

1. Income, expenses and debts. Gather pay stubs, W-2 forms, tax returns and the annual Social Security statement showing your earnings and projected retirement payments. You need to have a budget or two. Preparing a current budget (with everyone living together) would help and you will need a new budget for after separation.

2. Bank statements. Get as many as you can, for all accounts, for up to the last three years.

3. Credit card statements. Ditto. It's amazing what you can find on credit card records.

4. Kid information. If there are children and there may be disputes on custody and access/visitation, you should gather a variety of records. These include school records (attendance, grades, conduct), medical care, dental records, expenses and scheduling.

5. Web information. Please gather relevant web site information that have access to financial, medical and school records, as well as social media sites such as Facebook, YouTube, Google +, Twitter, My Space and others. We need user names and passwords. That should be for both you and your spouse. If you or your spouse have web sites or blogs, please provide that information as well.

How to Choose at Attorney

2012-01-06T08:17:00.000-08:00

When you have decided that you either need to file for divorce, need to defend yourself in litigation or want to know your options, the next step is to consult with an attorney. If you know or have worked with an attorney, it may be easy to contact that attorney and set up a meeting.

On the other hand, if you don't have easy access to a lawyer, you may need help in finding one appropriate for your situation.

Preliminary Considerations

1. What is your objective? Think about what you need to end up with. Do you need cash now? Do you want to stay in the house or get money to buy another house? Do you need retirement assets? Can you handle debts? How will children factor in? Figure out what your needs and goals are so you can discuss these ideas with your attorney. If you have special needs in certain areas, it probably isn't in your best interest to try to just get half of everything. You can be more creative and better meet your needs by thinking about specific needs.

2. How much money do you have available? Frankly, this has a major impact on your course of action. Family law is expensive. Some people will try to handle everything without a lawyer and that sometimes works. For people with children, assets, debts, retirement accounts, houses, investments, professional careers and assets from before the marriage, a lawyer is really necessary. Fortunately, there is a wide range of attorneys available.

As you check around, find out the hourly rate, the amount of retainer and whether credit cards can be used. Some attorneys will use a credit card authorization with monthly payments instead of requiring a large retainer to be maintained with the lawyer. Bottom Line: find an attorney who is affordable for you and your budget. There are good attorneys in all price ranges.

3. Do you want a shark, a negotiator or a reasonable litigator? To help you decide that, you need to answer some other questions. Do you want a friendly divorce, a big battle or a private negotiation? Do you want to take care of your soon-to-be ex, or to be taken care of? Do you want revenge or to inflict pain and get retribution for your spouse's misdeeds?

Keep in mind that if you hire an attorney who will take a scorched earth approach to your spouse, you will pay for it. All the extra threats, demands, hearings, depositions, discovery, pleadings and a trial cost a lot of money. You can inflict a lot of pain on your spouse, but it will severely deplete your assets. You have to decide if the revenge or punishment meted out is worth spending an extra $50,000 or $100,000 or more.

Getting Started

Once you have thought about your course of action, you need to consult with possible attorneys. So, how do you find the right attorney?

1. Get referrals. Talk with attorneys, other professionals and trusted friends and relatives, and ask who they like and trust. But, remember that what worked for someone else may or may not work for you. Follow up with the next two steps.

2. Go online. Research attorneys in your area online. Look at their qualifications and experience. Check out their web site. Read their blog if they have one. You can get a pretty good idea about an attorney by reading what he/she has to say and how it is written.

3. Check for chemistry. Meet with one or more attorneys and see if the chemistry feels right. Some very good attorneys work well with some people, but can never please some others. Go with your gut on this. If you feel comfortable and communicate well with the attorney, that's a good sign. If something doesn't feel right, try someone else.

Final Note: Be honest with your attorney. Don't hide the bad stuff. The other side won't and attorneys hate surprises. Be ready to discusses your weaknesses as well as your strengths.

When Should I File? 10 Signs to Watch For

2012-01-02T13:00:00.000-08:00

Everyone facing a divorce will wonder to some extent if it's the right time to file. If any of the following conditions exist, you should seriously consider filing for divorce -- after talking with an attorney. It is best to get the professional opinion of an experienced attorney to review your situation and make sure it is in your best interest to take that step and do it now.

If any of these things are happening, you should probably consider filing right away.

1. Violence. If there has been violence directed against you or your children, you probably need to get out. You may be able to get your spouse kicked out, but you should take whatever steps are necessary for the safety of you and your kids.

2. Abandonment. If your spouse has left, that's a pretty clear signal that the marriage is over. You should file to protect yourself financially and to take care of your kids (if you have any).

3. Hiding of Assets. If you discover, or suspect, that your spouse is hiding assets from you, a consultation with an attorney can help you decide what action to take to prevent the loss of assets.

4. Wasting or Disposing of Assets. If your spouse is spending money irresponsibly or getting rid of assets, you need to put a stop to it. Consult with an attorney about getting a restraining order.

5. Your Gut Feeling. Sometimes you just know that the time is right. You may not be able to put your finger on a specific reason or cause, but you know it's time.

6. Counseling Doesn't Work. You've tried counseling and you just didn't get the issues resolved. Often the party not initiating counseling is resistant and won't put in the effort to make changes. It's usually a good idea to try working with a counselor, but (as you undoubtedly know) you can't make your spouse change unless he or she wants to.

7. Hiding the Kids. If this is going on, you need to act right away. Go see an attorney!

8. Alienating the Kids. This is less obvious, but you may start seeing signs if the kids suddenly start avoiding you or saying hateful things to you. You need to get into court, get the kids into counseling and get some controls over your spouse. It is very difficult to stop and undo such behavior.

9. Running Away. If your spouse has run away with the kids, you need to get into court and get an order to get the kids back. Go see an attorney right away. You don't want to wait and allow your spouse to establish legal residence somewhere else.

10. Spouse is About to File. If you find out your spouse is about to file for divorce, you need to meet with an attorney and decide whether to try to beat your spouse to the courthouse or just prepare for a first court hearing. Either way, you need to consult with an attorney.

Hopefully, this list will help you think about the decision of when to file. The most important part of the decision is talking with an attorney to evaluate the situation. Good luck!

Announcing the "Getting Started" Series of Posts

2011-12-28T12:46:00.000-08:00

In the month of January 2012, I will have a series of short posts on getting started on a divorce. The topics will include the following:

1. When should I file?

2. Who should I see? How to choose an attorney.

3. What information will I need?

4. What should I expect?

5. How much will it cost? Hint -- there won't be a specific amount.

6. Should I use litigation or Collaborative Law?

7. How do we tell the kids?

January is one of the busiest times of the year for divorce attorneys. Many people stay together through the holidays and then want to file for divorce right away. These posts should provide some basic information to help you prepare for divorce, but they are only a starting point. Be sure to discuss these topics with your attorney as you get started. Watch for the articles to begin in early January 2012.

When is the Best Time to File for Divorce?

2011-11-22T09:18:00.000-08:00

If you are thinking about filing for divorce, one of the obvious questions is about timing. There is no simple, universal answer as to when the best time is to file. Sometimes, couples may think about, and even talk about, divorce for years and then finally decide to take the plunge. Other times, a quick decision is necessary. Here are some considerations to help you decide, if you are approaching that step.

1. When You Need to File. There are several situations that may lead to the conclusion that you "need" to file now.

Safety: If there has been family violence or a serious threat of family violence, you should act. The threat doesn't have to be spelled out. Sometimes, it becomes obvious that a situation is about to turn violent. Or, you may hear something from someone else that contains a credible threat or signs of danger. You should always be careful to protect your own safety and the health and safety of your children. That may require you to file for divorce.

Protection of Assets: There may be threats or actual steps to hide or dispose of cash, investments or other assets. In some situations, one spouse will remove all or a significant amount of the cash to "protect" it. Sometimes, access to accounts is changed. If any of these actions have occurred, or have been threatened, you should act to get a court to protect your assets. It's hard to get money back, once it's been spent.

Preventing Runaways: Unfortunately, kids often become pawns in divorces. A parent may think that he/she will be able to get control or move a divorce to a distant county by running away with the kids. If you file before the runaway, most judges (at least here in Tarrant County) will not allow one parent to move away with the kids without the agreement of the other parent. If a parent has already moved away, you can usually get the kids back to Tarrant County if you file right away.

Access to the Kids: Sometimes, after separation, a parent will just refuse to let the other parent see or talk to the kids without a court order. The parent in control often views the kids as possessions and worries more about how to control the other parent than about the kids maintaining good relationships with both parents.

2. When You Want to File. This refers to the situation where one or both parties have carefully thought about whether to try to save the marriage and have reached the decision that it would be better to end it. Often this follows counseling for one or both parties. That counseling will often help the parties accept the decision to separate and divorce, and the counselor can help the parties plan their futures. Filing at this stage is usually a little easier, but sometimes the other parent hasn't progressed to the point of acceptance, so it can still be difficult.

3. Calendar Considerations. This may come up if there is not an emergency. If there are holidays approaching, many people prefer to wait until after the holidays to separate and file. That is especially true if there are children. You may also want to consider the kids' activities and schedules so that you don't separate just before a big test, a performance or an important game, for example. In addition, you should talk with an attorney to find out if there are any other dates or events that could come into play. For example, the courts are really clogged from mid-July to mid-August with change of custody cases. It is hard to get much court time during that period. Experienced attorneys know when the courts are traditionally busy and can help you plan ahead.

Probably the best approach is to consult with an attorney early when you start thinking about divorce. You will probably have a lot of questions you want to ask, but don't forget to discuss timing.

Post-Divorce Paperwork and Actions

2011-11-08T19:23:00.000-08:00

When you are going through a divorce, you are probably most concerned with the terms of the property division and the arrangements regarding the kids, if you have children. While those issues are truly life-altering, there are some other details that you shouldn't overlook as you start your recovery from the divorce experience. Your attorney may or may not discuss what you need to do to wrap up the paperwork and loose ends.

In case that doesn't happen, or in case you didn't pay real close attention, here is a checklist of steps for you to consider and take. These are not in order of importance or in chronological order. You can decide what you need to do, or your attorney can help you decide which you should do.

1. Update your life insurance, retirement accounts and IRA beneficiaries. That is especially true if your ex was the beneficiary. You can check with your agent on what you need to do. If you don't make the change, your ex could receive a big payoff someday. If minor children could be the beneficiaries, you should talk with an estate planner to figure out how to handle that.

2. You should re-do your will, and write one now, if you didn't already have one. You probably don't want your ex to be the beneficiary there either.

3. If you change your name, such as resuming your maiden name, you will need to take a certified copy of your divorce decree and make the changes on such things as:

Social Security card
Driver's license
Credit cards
Bank accounts and debit cards
Insurance policies.

And there could be other accounts in your name, so keep a certified copy handy.

4. Change the car titles. You should get your car in your name and get your ex's vehicles in his/her name and out of yours. In Texas, there is a form that the County Tax Assessor/Collector has for you to fill out when you transfer a car out of your name. It's a good idea to file that so that red light tickets, parking tickets or toll road charges don't come to you after the vehicle is no longer yours, and you don't want to be responsible if someone has an accident in that vehicle after you really don't own it.

5. Close or separate joint bank and credit card accounts. You don't need to remain liable for your ex-spouse's debts or bad financial decisions.

6. If you plan to use COBRA to continue your current insurance policy from your ex-spouse's health insurance plan, be sure to file the paperwork right away. There is a very short window of time to do that. Afterwards, there's no way to get back in. Check with the company as soon as the divorce is final.

7. Exchange personal property and photos with your ex, if that hasn't already been taken care of.

8. Obtain separate auto insurance, if you don't already have it.

9. Change over the accounts and deposits for your home utilities, if that hasn't been done yet.

10. Check with the Post Office to make sure your mail gets delivered to where you live now and that you don't get your spouse's mail.

If you have other suggestions of steps to take, please share them by sending a comment.

Got Skeletons in Your Closet?

2011-10-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

During this Halloween season, we often see skeletons as decorations for parties or businesses or for Trick-or-Treaters. We see so many that they usually lose their fright-invoking powers. It's all in fun for a good time.

However, in other contexts, skeletons in a closet can be a real problem.

What are they?
Politicians and public figures worry that bad behavior may be found out any time of the year. It's sometimes said that everyone has some skeleton in their closet -- something that could be embarrassing, illegal or just private, that they wouldn't want other people to know about. Sometimes the skeletons are from current activities or they might be indiscretions from their youth. Hopefully, the skeletons won't be massive or involving major liability in terms of criminal laws or civil damages.

Skeletons in family law contexts
In family law matters, skeletons sometimes come into play. They can be big or small. Quite often, they get built up in someone's mind so that they appear to that person to be huge, when in fact, they are not a big deal at all. On the other hand, some things really are big deals. Arnold had a huge skeleton uncovered when his love child was discovered. Affairs can become not just a skeleton, but an albatross around someone's neck, to mix metaphors. Criminal activities, financial mismanagement and addictions are all serious issues that can have a major impact on divorces and other family law litigation. In most divorces, there's something each side would prefer to keep quiet or, preferably, unknown. But it always seems to get out!

What should you do?
Rule #1: Tell your lawyer. Don't be worried about whether your lawyer won't like you or respect you. Chances are, your attorney has heard and seen much worse. One thing lawyers hate is to be surprised by the other side. Don't let your attorney first learn about the skeleton by hearing the other side break the news. Prepare your attorney with all the facts. Believe it or not, attorneys can usually put bad news into context and minimize it, if given the chance. If your counsel first hears some bad news as it is being drug out of you, there's not much the lawyer can do for you.

Quick Summary:

Lawyers Don't Like Surprises!

You need to tell your attorney the bad facts as well as the good ones so he/she has a chance to help you. You need to let the skeletons out of the closet.

Using Technology to Stay in Contact*

2011-10-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

*A soon-to-be-obsolete checklist of new tools that you can use to stay in touch with your kids and other family member. (Please help by sending your comments with new ideas!)

When families split up, there's always a challenge in staying in contact with each other. Mostly, this is an issue for parents, grandparents and children, but it can also come up when parents are trying to coordinate their activities with their children. For our younger readers, these may not be big news. For the more "experienced" readers, this may provide some new tools to help.

Without further ado, here's a list of 10 relatively new "tools" you can use. I will mention some brand names, but I have no financial connection to any of them. They are simply things I have run across that seemed helpful, not too expensive and easy to work with. These suggestions apply whether the family members live in the same city, across the county, across the state or across the country.

1. An on-line calendar. Google has a calendar that is easily accessible and fairly easy to work with. In addition, there is at least one private company, Our Family Wizard, which provides a calendar that is popular and seems to work well. I'm sure there are several more such calendar systems and there will be even more. Just look around on line to find one you like.

2. Texting. This has become very common-place and is close to universal. It completely eliminates the old need to have scheduled times when children had to be home to receive a phone call from their parents. Instead, we can have frequent, short and more normal contact -- once you learn the abbreviations.

3. Cell phones. Similarly, this eliminates formal phone calls and allows frequent and fun informal contact between parents and children.

4. Email. This is probably better suited to older children and certainly for adults. It is easily eclipsing snail mail, but younger kids may choose other systems for their messages.

5. Skype. You can sign up for this and then have visual phone calls with your family and friends. Most new computers will have a camera, or you can easily find a very inexpensive camera to attach to your computer if it doesn't have one.

6. Blogs. It is easy to create a family blog that is not public. You can have it restricted to only specified people (parents, grandparents, children, cousins, etc.) and restrict the password. On the blog, you and family members could report on trips, events and activities. It could be like an annual holiday newsletter, but updated much more frequently. Different people can be given permission to write on the blog, so you can get a variety of personal perspectives. You can post photos as well. There are a number of free platforms for setting up blogs, including Blogger (Google) and WordPress. They are very easy to set up and require almost no technical knowledge. You would want to carefully protect your privacy with the settings.

7. Photo sharing. There are several photos sharing sites available for free, and you can use Facebook and email. Getting in the habit of taking photos with a cell phone (or a camera) and then immediately sharing them with family can be a great way to stay closely connected.

8. Facebook. You can keep up with current events and photos and you can send direct messages to your Friends. Facebook is very easy to learn and use, although you have to watch out for their frequent changes and you should carefully manage your privacy settings. Also, keep in mind that most of what you post will be visible to a large group of people, so think before you post. Google now has a version, so be prepared to work in both systems.

9. YouTube videos. It is easy to set up a YouTube account for yourself and YouTube has videos explaining how to do almost anything. If you need help understanding or implementing any suggestions in this post, just look for a YouTube video to learn how. You and your family members can post videos of yourselves and others, which can make it easy to keep up with each other.

10. Scan and send. Scanners are cheap and easy to use now, so you can capture photos or documents and then send them by email or post them on various sites. If you need to talk about vacation plans, for example, you can send information this way.

How to Get Started:
For more details on these various options, including how to do it, a good starting place would be YouTube. If you want to read about any of these, use Google or other search engines and look up the key words (the titles of the 10 methods, for example).

Now for Your Part:
Please send your suggestions and new tools to share with others who may be trying to maintain a distant relationship. Many of these ideas are not terribly new, but they are new additions to traditional post-divorce communications. I expect there will always be newer and better ways to communicate and your ideas can help many other people. Please send your comments with suggestions and products you have used or learned about. Thanks for sharing!

Planning Ahead for the Holidays

2011-10-06T08:58:00.000-07:00

If you look at a calendar, it's only early October, but if you look in a lot of stores, they are running out of Halloween decorations and have had some Christmas stuff out for quite a while. Stores seem to run on a faster calendar than most of us use.

Nevertheless, this is really a good time to look ahead to the holidays coming up in November and December. While we only recently had our last 100 degree day here in North Texas, it won't be long before the weather cools and family holiday disputes heat up. Fortunately, there are some things you can do to minimize holiday stress in divorced or divorcing families. Here are my suggestions:

1. Start by looking at the court order or agreement. While there are some standardized possession schedules we use in Texas, they are often customized, particularly in temporary orders and in Collaborative Law agreements. Often, the schedules change every other year, so you should begin by confirming which schedule applies this year.

2. Give any notices now that are required. Sure, it's early, but it will help you and other family members to start working on scheduling. There's no harm in giving proper notices 30 or 60 days ahead. It will allow adjustments or corrections, if they are needed.

3. Start making travel plans. We all know that buying tickets early usually gets the best prices. Actually, it might have been better to get your November-December tickets back in August or September. Don't wait any longer for the best deals!

4. Start negotiating early if you need to change the schedule or any details. That allows time for the other side to think about your request and time to make changes before their plans are set in stone. Plus, sometimes it takes a while to negotiate, and this gives you the time you may need.

5. Be willing to adjust your plans around the schedule and needs of the kids and the other parent. Being able to compromise will normally result in a bigger pay-back later. Being unwilling to compromise may result in a big pay-back later of a different kind.

6. Meet with your lawyer early for answers and preparation, if necessary. I can assure you that your lawyer will appreciate an early start before the courts get clogged up with last-minute custody and visitation fights. Going to court early, before the holiday season, will give you a better chance of being heard by a judge who has time to listen to you. Sometimes the courts shut down near the holidays and sometimes they get overwhelmed by hearings. If you have something important to be decided, you want the judge to have the time to give you a good hearing.

7. Whatever schedule you end up following, be sure the kids know about it well in advance. It can be fun just telling the kids about what they will be doing. You can set the tone with positive expectations for the kids by being encouraging no matter whether the kids are with you or the other parent. On the other hand, if the kids are facing doing something that is not their favorite, you can help them get over it so it doesn't ruin the holiday. Be careful how and what you tell the children. Take the high road and help them see the positive side.

Take a little time now to review your situation and make plans for the holidays. That will allow you to have a much more enjoyable and less stressful holiday season!

7 Tips for Dealing with Debt

2011-09-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

Even before the current prolonged economic downturn, many divorces ended up focusing on how to manage the community debt. Some married couples are fortunate and keep debt to a minimum, but a more common scenario is that the marital debt is a significant issue to be addressed either in court or in settlement.

If you are using the Collaborative Law process to resolve a divorce, you will probably work with a neutral divorce financial planner. In litigated divorces, we sometimes bring in a financial planner to work with one side in the case, and sometimes each party hires their own advisor. Working with an expert like that is invaluable in analyzing tax consequences and preparing financial strategies for negotiations or for court.

With or without a financial advisor, here are some suggestions to consider in dealing with debt issues in a divorce.

1. Be realistic. Have an outsider, like a certified divorce financial planner, review your situation and make suggestions. Don't over-commit or be over-optimistic. Your lifestyle will probably be lower post-divorce and it may take a while to get back on your feet. If you're in a hole, plan to take some time to work your way out. Don't try to do it overnight.

2. Go solo and end joint accounts, if possible. Don't pay off and close your individual credit accounts. Make payments, but keep them open. On the other hand, try to close out any joint accounts so that you will not be affected by your ex-spouse's future payment history, or lack thereof. You need to separate your finances, just like you do the other parts of your life.

3. Don't rely on your spouse. It may take you a while to transition to full separation and independence, but you should continuously work for that. Your spouse may have good intentions, but things like a job loss, health problems or a new relationship, among other things, can come along, and suddenly financial performance doesn't match their pre-divorce words. As soon as possible, you need to be independent. Get an expert, if necessary, to help you come up with your own plan.

4. Close out joint bank accounts. For a while, they might be a way for the spouses to show their trust and commitment to each other, but that changes over time. You both need to be independent. There are plenty of ways with electronic banking to make quick payments and transfers, so you don't need joint accounts. Having separate accounts also improves your security and eliminates any temptation to get financial revenge of the spouse.

5. Refinance you mortgage, if you qualify. You can save money, build separate credit and help your ex-spouse rest easier at night. It also gives you more financial privacy.

6. First, pay off the smaller credit cards in your name. You should also continue making payments on all your cards, but concentrate on the smaller ones and knock them off as soon as you can by making extra payments. Generally, it's usually better to keep the cards open after they are paid off.

7. As a last resort, you can consider filing for bankruptcy. For that decision, you should consult with a bankruptcy specialist. Most family law attorneys in North Texas don't handle bankruptcies. Just like you should hire a family law specialist for a divorce, you should look for a bankruptcy specialist to help you evaluate your circumstances. There are serious consequences to filing for bankruptcy, so consider carefully as a last resort.

Divorce can be devastating on finances, but it doesn't have to be. Careful planning, taking a conservative path and getting expert assistance will help you make the right decisions on debts and other financial issues.

For some additional ideas, see an excellent article called, "Know How to Get Debt Free after Divorce" by Amy Lewis in Ben Stevens' South Carolina Family Law Blog (always a good source) from August 8, 2011.

Fighting for Custody in a Paternity Case

2011-09-07T19:56:00.000-07:00

Children are born out of wedlock under a variety of circumstances. Sometimes there's a long-term relationship, sometimes a one-night stand. Sometimes the father is involved all the way and sometimes the father isn't informed until months or years after the child's birth. Some fathers choose not to be involved and try to avoid responsibility. Other fathers try to be as involved as the mother will permit. Some unmarried parents work very well together, some don't get along at all, and others can set up a plan and follow it, even when the parents don't really like each other.

Obviously, there are many different circumstances when a child is brought into the world with parents who aren't married. One factor that almost always appears is a court order to officially establish who the father is and then set child support and terms of access to the child. It will also allocate the rights of parents between the two parents. All together, that amounts to a custody determination.

In most cases where a child is born out of wedlock, the child ends up with the mom who has most of the significant parental rights and has the child the majority of the time. The father usually is ordered to pay child support and has visitation rights. In the future, child support and visitation often become repetitive sources of conflict between the parents.

In a few cases, the father of the baby decides to try to win custody of the child. For the fathers who are considering such actions, here are some issues to consider.

1. Do you really want the responsibility that goes with having primary custody? Or do you just want a lot of time with the child? Do you want decision-making powers, or want to share them, or does that matter to you? What are your underlying goals or needs? These are questions you should answer and discuss with your attorney.

2. Are you prepared to take primary care of a child? Do you have the knowledge and experience to be able to deal with your child's needs in an age-appropriate manner? You can certainly learn, but there are a lot of things you will need to do that you may not intuitively know.

3. How do you compare to the other parent on parenting issues? Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. A judge will be evaluating both parents to determine who has the best skills, experience and attitude for taking care of a child. If possible, you should be able to demonstrate your competence as a parent.

4. If you haven't been the primary caregiver, why should the court switch to you? That's really a key question. Even if this may be the first official custody determination for your child, there is a natural tendency to view it as an issue of whether custody should be modified or changed, if one parent has had significant time where she has been the primary or only parent involved. You need to have some powerful reasons why the court should upset the living arrangements. It's not always best to leave a child where he/she has been, but it is common for a judge to start with a preference to not change a stable arrangement.

5. Ultimately, what is in the child's best interest? That is, absolutely, the bottom-line issue. You need to be able to articulate what the child's best interest is and why you are in the best position to help meet your child's actual needs.

If you are considering fighting for custody for a child born out of wedlock, you should think carefully before you start the fight. Try to figure out what your real underlying interests are. Don't get stuck just thinking about possible solutions. What are your strengths and weaknesses? Are you prepared for a tough, expensive and emotional fight? Think and analyze before you act. Get counsel from wise family members and friends, but lean heavily on the advice of an experienced family law attorney who has seen and been involved in such cases in the past.

Remember to look before you leap!

Choosing a Compatible Attorney

2011-08-22T15:23:00.000-07:00

Family law litigation is one of the most serious and important activities you can participate in. A few people try to handle such matters without an attorney, but that is generally ill advised. The issues are rarely simple and common sense often isn't enough to navigate through the court system.

If you are facing divorce or other family law litigation, you have to decide either to hire an attorney to assist you or to take a chance on handling the matter yourself. People who haven't worked with lawyers before often struggle in finding the right attorney for their situation. If you are in that situation, here are some tips for choosing the right attorney.

1. Have your objectives in mind. You need to look at the big picture first. In broad terms, what are your needs or concerns? For example, do you want...

A fair outcome: property division, custody, visitation or child support terms that are reasonably equal or proportionate.
To punish your spouse. You may want retribution if your spouse cheated on you, which could happen in various ways.
An easy divorce. You may not want to fight over things.
A cheap divorce. You might need to keep the cost as low as possible.
A money-is-no-object divorce. For the record, from my point of view, that is virtually always a mistake. People almost always come to their senses and put the brakes on the spending.
To slow down. You may not be emotionally ready for divorce and you may want to slow down the process and draw out the procedures.
Get it over quickly. You may be ready to finish the divorce even before it's filed. (FYI -- you can't do that.)
Need help starting over. You may have accepted the idea of getting a divorce, but you may not be fully prepared for your new life. Maybe you need time, training, income, new job, a place to live, etc. Starting a new life is not easy.
A Collaborative divorce. You may want to work with a Collaborative Law team to have a civilized, private divorce where you find creative solutions to your issues. You would need a trained Collaborative lawyer for this.

2. Get recommendations and research on line. Every attorney should have a web site by now. Look for ratings that are available from various source. Check for useful information on the web site about the issues that concern you. Look at their qualifications. Are they Board Certified? How much experience do they have? If the attorney has written anything that is published on line, read it to get a feel for the attorney. Do you like what you read?

3. Meet with one or more attorneys. Have a clear idea of what outcome you are looking for. Write down questions in advance and take them with you. Observe whether the attorney listens to you or just talks about himself or herself. Make sure there's good chemistry. Do you feel comfortable with the attorney? Make sure the attorney fees are compatible with your budget as well.

Conclusions:

There are many good attorneys available with different pricing and different approaches. You won't hurt the attorney's feelings if you choose someone else. You have the right to choose whomever you want. You don't have to choose the first one you see or hear about. Shop around. It's OK to interview several and then decide.
Make sure the attorney's approach is consistent with what you want. You probably shouldn't hire an attorney who listens a little and then starts telling you what you want.
Make sure the chemistry feels right. The intangible factors can make a big difference. If something doesn't feel right, go with that feeling. Likewise, if you feel very comfortable with an attorney, that's a good reason to hire that one.

Finding an attorney who is compatible with you is a key element in obtaining the best possible outcome for you in family law litigation.

Starting Over Later in Life

2011-08-07T08:13:00.000-07:00

A common situation for some people, especially Baby Boomers, going through a Collaborative or litigated divorce is the need for one spouse to re-join the workforce. Often, although not always, the wife is suddenly facing the need to earn a living after years of being a stay-at-home mom and raising children. Sometimes she has work experience from years ago, but that is often outdated or she may have lost interest or connection with that career. As a result, the out-of-the-workforce spouse must face the daunting task of reinventing herself in the workplace so she can be self-supporting. Unfortunately, there seems to be little guidance readily available to help people in that situation, and "the law" doesn't provide much help, other than alimony, which is usually pretty limited.

So, what should someone do facing that challenge? There are so many unknowns involved, it would be helpful to break up your efforts into small steps. And don't just jump to the end. Work through the process so you know where you are going and know it's the right direction. Here are some ideas:

How to Start a New Career

1. Know yourself. Make an inventory of yourself. Analyze your skills, experience, interests, strengths and weaknesses, tolerance for risk, willingness to be self employed or to work for someone else, training, hobbies, income requirements, comfort with technology and the amount of time available for working. Sometimes, it even helps to ask close friends or relatives what they think might be appropriate for you. They may have some very perceptive observations that would be helpful. You could also see a counselor who can help you identify skills and interests.

2. Research possibilities. Look into various industries and jobs that might fit with your skills, experience or interest. Figure out where some appropriate jobs might be located and what the requirements would be for you to do that work. Will you need training or certification or other qualifications? Is a college degree required? You need to create a target -- the type of job, location, pay, hours, etc. -- so you will know what you are looking for. It will also help you figure out where to look for your job. A counselor may also be able to point you to some resources.

3. Improve yourself. There will always be some things that you can or should do to improve yourself to be more marketable and more productive at work. Here are some ideas:

Research first. Find out what you need to learn and then arrange to get the training. Don't wait until you apply for the job. Get the training now so you will be more marketable.

Be an Intern. That's usually an unpaid position, but the real payoff is in knowledge and experience which might make the difference in getting a job. Find positions in your chosen industry and volunteer to start out for free to get some experience. Sometimes those positions turn into job offers. Even if they don't, you may get a reference or connections or learn how to find a job in the industry.

Get counseling. Work with a counselor or a life coach to make sure you are on the right path and to shore up an deficiencies you may have. You might need help setting priorities or goals, or you may need help getting organized. Sometimes, it just helps to be accountable to someone else who can gently nudge you when you need it.

Get a mentor. Find someone in the industry or someone more experienced who you can contact whenever you need some guidance. It really helps to have an insider on your side.

Volunteer. If you have some free time, volunteer to help an organization that you believe in. You will feel better and it is one more thing to put on your resume. It's much better than just sitting around, and you might make some connections that may lead to a job.

4. Promote yourself. There are many things you can do to promote yourself.
You will need a resume. It should be appropriate to the industry you are interested in. Get some guidance from a counselor, coach or mentor. Research what the prospective employer is used to. Formats and content may vary widely between industries. You want to stand out, but in a good way.

Network everywhere. Talk to everyone about your quest. Join groups. There may be a study group or some other organization of people looking for jobs in your area. Create a group, if necessary. Talking with family and friends and others may lead to the connection you need.

Use social media, if you are comfortable with it. If you don't know much about it, do some research online and learn how things work. (You can always talk to your kids or nephews or nieces.) Sign up for LinkedIn which has become a significant resource for finding jobs or finding employees. You can have a resume on it for free. It's a great way to connect with friends and make new friends. Twitter can also be a way to watch for job openings and to promote yourself. Facebook, if used carefully, can be a good way to reconnect with old friends -- it's networking online. Google + is new, but it will compete with Facebook and will probably also be a good tool for networking. If you have some knowledge about your desired field, you could blog about it and that might be very helpful in raising your visibility.

5. Get your head on straight. Getting started on such a life-changing effort is daunting. If you don't break it down into manageable steps and put deadlines on yourself, it may be very easy to not follow through and to get frustrated with a lack of progress. That is especially the case if you glance over your shoulder and look at the image of the life your spouse is living with his or her established position in contrast to how you are struggling. Instead of looking backward, look forward and picture your goal of a meaningful, productive and rewarding job. Be realistic and remember that you won't get it overnight and it will take some time to build a career. Don't try to do it all alone. Work with someone else for accountability and reassurance.
You may have noticed that this article doesn't provide a quick solution to finding a job when you are starting over later in life. Instead, I have provided a series of steps that can greatly improve your chances of finding the job you want and need. Don't take shortcuts. Get help from others and be flexible. Good luck!

10 Tips for Enhancing Your Relationship with Your Attorney

2011-07-21T16:18:00.000-07:00

Hiring an attorney and joining in litigation (or Collaboration) is a serious matter. I, and others, have written about how to choose an attorney to hire. After you have crossed that threshold, both you and your attorney should work to maintain a good working relationship.

In the interest of better serving clients, here is a list of 10 tips for keeping and improving your relationship with your legal representative.

1. Listen to your attorney. Pretty much, you should tune out your family and friends who are offering their best legal advice for you. Your attorney is better qualified and more experienced.

2. Follow the attorney's advice. Lawyers don't enjoy trying to help someone who won't follow their advice.

3. If you disagree with your attorney, speak up. If you think the attorney is wrong, speak up and have a discussion. If you think the attorney is wrong too often, change attorneys.

4. Pay your bills on time. You wouldn't work for free. Your attorney doesn't like to work for free. Attorneys have overhead and living expenses, just like you and other business people.

5. Follow the court's order. You really make your life and your attorney's life more difficult if you ignore or violate court orders. If you don't like the order, talk to your attorney.

6. Don't expect your attorney to be a therapist. In Tarrant County, we actually have one very good attorney who is also a very good therapist, but that is a unique situation. You can't expect your attorney to solve your emotional issues, but the attorney can refer you to someone for therapy, as needed.

7. Be on time and get stuff done on time. Time limits are often very important in litigation. There can be major problems if you miss deadlines. Do your part to make sure things are done on time.

8. Have a clear picture of what you want. Of course, that's easy for me to say. In reality, you probably need to talk with your attorney to formulate what your goals and needs are, but your attorney needs to know what you are aiming for.

9. Don't listen to family and friends. Please. They mean well, but they don't know all the facts of your case, and the experience they draw on is different from your situation.

10. Remember -- every divorce is different. There is no one-size-fits-all solution. You need to work closely with your attorney to plan and carry out your course of action. Don't assume that what happened in a friend's divorce will work in yours!

If you follow these suggestions, you should have a good relationship with your attorney. Good luck.

Zen, Running and Divorce -- Life Lessons

2011-07-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

There is an interesting blog, unrelated to divorce or family law, that I like to read that's always full of thought-provoking posts. Yesterday's post in the Zen Habits blog, "Ten Life Lessons from a Reluctant Runner" was about life lessons related to running, but I immediately applied the lessons to divorce situations. I liked the article initially because I am a runner (disclaimer: I admit I'm not fast), but I thought the lessons from running could easily translate into ideas to help ease the stress of dealing with divorce and other family law issues.

I invite you to read the original post. Even if you're not a runner, you can probably appreciate her view of life. For this post, I am taking her lessons and applying them in another context. See if this makes sense to you.

"1. Sometimes things that suck are also awesome." Ever hear the phrase, "behind every cloud, there's a silver lining"? It's often hard to see the silver lining when you go through a divorce or other family law conflict, but change often leads to improvement, even though it's painful at the time. Being forced to confront your financial situation may help you plan better for the future and even change course to look for better opportunities.

"2. It's all mental." I don't know that I would agree that a divorce is 100% mental, but how you approach a situation mentally sure does have a major impact on whether it is upsetting to you or doesn't bother you. People really can choose how they will react to difficult situations. Focusing on the negative and thinking about how terrible you have it will not be helpful. It is much better to be looking forward.

"3. There's a discernible difference between pain and discomfort." Some things are major pains and require a re-analysis and new direction. Most things are more at the discomfort level which you can quickly overcome, if you allow and encourage yourself to do so.

"4. Equipment matters -- find what works for you." This is not a direct comparison, but you need to have a lawyer to help you through the legal process and you should make sure the lawyer has the knowledge and experience needed and that there is good chemistry between you and the lawyer. If you try one attorney and it doesn't seem to work out, go ahead and make a change.

"5. Take joy in small accomplishments." All issues are not alike. Keep in mind that not everything is life or death in divorce. Making small progress toward the outcomes you want should be considered a good thing. You rarely make giant-sized progress toward your goals. You should feel good for every small step that goes your way (and don't obsess about the things that don't work out!).

"6. Inconsistency is OK." Don't expect things to go smoothly or to flow all in the same direction. If judges are deciding issues, there can be inconsistent result on different issues for a variety of reasons. Don't worry about it.

"7. It feels good to pick up your pace at the finish." Most people are anxious to finalize their divorce once they get near the finish. Don't slow it down by bringing up last-minute, annoying issues that simply prolong the fighting. Keep your major objectives in mind and don't get caught up with minor battles.

"8. But, slow down at the beginning, already." Sometimes, you don't have a choice about how fast you have to act at the beginning, but remember that a divorce takes time. Don't be impatient to finish up something too quickly that will affect you the rest of your life financially and in terms of family relationships.

"9. Play is critical. Always." Don't take everything too seriously. Stop and try to relax and not think about the divorce all day long. Get involved in exercise and physical activity. Volunteer and help others. Do something fun occasionally. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money.

"10. It's OK to trick yourself." Sometimes it's hard to face a big project, and that makes it easy to avoid. One way to attack it is to commit yourself to working on something for just 15 or 30 minutes or an hour. If you stop then, you are that much farther down the road. Often, though, it becomes easy to stretch the time as you discover that the work is not as hard as you thought it would be. The trick is breaking it down into small pieces.

Hopefully, you can apply some of these life lessons as you run or work your way through a divorce or family law issue.

How Can it Take a Long Time to Resolve a Simple Case?

2011-06-06T19:55:00.000-07:00

Recently, I was talking with a potential client and we got to the point of discussing attorney fees. She clearly viewed her case as a fairly simple matter, and it could be in some circumstances. I quoted a substantial retainer and she asked why it would be so much for a limited case, which was a perfectly understandable question. I explained that I didn't know how many hearings there would be and she asked how there could be more than one hearing. So I gave her a number of possible scenarios that could lead to delay and multiple court dates. She was surprised, but understood.

Why does a case take so long? Here are some of the common reasons why any family law case may get delayed over a long period of time.

1. It may not really be simple at all. Although a party may think it is uncomplicated, an attorney may look at a situation and instantly see many possible problems that have to be dealt with.

2. One party or the other may have received short notice of a hearing, so the hearing must be reset to comply with the rules or for fairness.

3. A party may need time to hire an attorney.

4. A party may need time to get money to pay for an attorney.

5. An attorney may have a scheduling conflict.

6. An attorney may need time to prepare for an unexpected issue.

7. Discovery of information and records may need to be done before the case can proceed.

8. The case may need to go to mediation.

9. The judge may not be available or may be too busy for a hearing on a given day.

10. Bad weather can cause a postponement.

11. There may be a holiday (federal, state or local).

12. Someone may be on vacation.

13. A witness may be unavailable.

14. Some important details may change.

15. A new witness may have been found and further preparation may be necessary.

16. Someone may be ill.

17. There could be a problem in taking care of a child on a given day.

18. The judge may need or take more time to decide.

19. The judge may order the attorneys to prepare a brief on an issue.

20. A hearing may take longer than planned and the conclusion may have to be reset later.

The above are all legitimate reasons that come up and cause delays in cases. On top of that, the other party may stall intentionally for various reasons, and that's hard to control.

Sometimes, delay helps you and sometimes it doesn't, but you have to be prepared for delays in any litigation. It's just part of the process. Talk to your attorney early if you have concerns about the timing. Good luck in getting your case resolved.

Waiting on the 60-Day Waiting Period

2011-05-11T07:07:00.000-07:00

One of the most common misperceptions regarding divorce is the idea that a divorce is, or must be, completed when the 60-day waiting period is up. Under Texas law, the parties must wait for 60 days, beginning with the date they file for divorce, before they can be divorced. Even then, the divorce doesn't happen automatically.

There is actually much more to be done before the divorce can be finalized. That's not to say that the divorce won't be completed just after the 60 days is up. It only means that you can't just file for divorce, wait for the 60 days to pass and then be divorced without further action.

So, what needs to be done? Start by discussing the situation with your attorney. Make sure he/she knows you want the divorce over with as soon as possible. Here are some things that he or she will need your help on.

1. Your spouse must be notified "officially". You can serve papers on him/her or he/she can sign a Waiver and accept the papers. Most people won't sign a Waiver without having the opportunity to see and sign the final papers (decree). Serving papers is less friendly and more expensive. If you are trying to do a quick and friendly divorce, the Waiver is probably a better bet. If you can't find your spouse, talk to your attorney about your options.

2. You need to gather information and get it to your attorney. The attorney wants to make sure everything is properly covered by the final decree of divorce, so it is important that the attorney gets to review the details of your finances. In addition, the children, if there are any, must be provided for: allocation of the powers, rights and duties for raising the children; visitation; and child support. The attorney depends on you to furnish the information and also to state what terms and arrangements you would prefer.

3. If you want a quick divorce, you and your spouse generally need to agree on the details of how to divide things up and how to deal with the children. It's not enough to just turn over information to the attorney. Your attorney can suggest some terms, but you and your spouse need to agree to those or come up with variations that you both agree on. Usually, the more complex the issues, the longer it takes to resolve them. You can help speed up the process by reaching agreements with your spouse.

Divorces are not automatic in Texas. Attorneys can't just file papers and wait for the time to run. We need to get information and suggestions from clients. If you are anxious to get your divorce completed quickly, you need to help your attorney by providing information and details on how you would like things resolved. You can be divorced in just over 60 days, but plan on actively working with your attorney to accomplish that.

How to Find the Best Lawyer in Tarrant County, Texas

2011-04-15T20:55:00.000-07:00

Many people apparently are looking for the best lawyer in Tarrant County, Texas. Not just any lawyer, the best lawyer. I know that from some research I have done about what people are asking Google and other search engines. It is certainly understandable that someone who suddenly needs a lawyer to end a marriage would want to find the best one around. It's not only part of our competitive nature, but it's also common sense.

Or, sometimes they want the meanest lawyer. I previously wrote about getting the meanest lawyer -- that's a different discussion! For now, let's discuss how to find the best lawyer, wherever you are. Here are some things to consider.

1. You need to define what makes a lawyer the best one for you. What are the most important qualities that you are looking for? Do you want a business-like personality or someone who is very personable and casual? Do you want a very structured attorney or a looser approach? Some lawyers are somewhat to very abrasive and others are instantly your best friend. You should meet with several lawyers and get to know something about their personalities and approach to practicing law.

2. Another stylistic option is whether you want a decision-maker or an option-developer. Some lawyers get the facts of the case and then start telling clients what to do. Other lawyers help clients develop a variety of options and then assist them in choosing a course of action. Some clients just want to turn over their legal matter to their attorney and let the attorney take care of it. How involved do you want to be?

3. What is the financial range of fees you are comfortable with? Generally, the more experience or more demand there is for a lawyer, the higher the fees will be. More expensive lawyers aren't always the best, but they often are much better than inexpensive lawyers. If your case is very complicated or unusual, you may want to hire an experienced attorney, but make sure you can afford the attorney. Even among very good attorneys, there will be a range of fees that they charge.

4. Do you want or need a trial lawyer or a settlement specialist? Don't assume that you necessarily want to take your case to trial. Likewise, you shouldn't assume that you case will be settled. It is true that most family law cases settle, but some have to be tried. You should consider both approaches and find out how prospective lawyers view your case.

5. Sometimes, location can be a consideration. You generally want to hire a lawyer in your own county, or wherever the suit is located. But, you may or may not have to go to your attorney's office very much after the attorney is hired. Much of the contact between lawyers and clients takes place over the Internet or by phone or fax. However, you probably should hire someone local who is familiar with the local courts, judges and courthouse personnel.

Ultimately, your decision should consider a number of factors. Chemistry is a key element. Does your personality fit with the attorney's personality? If you don't get along with or like the attorney, don't hire him or her. Look up the attorney on line and combine that information with your observations. Don't go just on reputation. Go with your gut feeling on whether this will be the best lawyer in Tarrant County for you.

Time to Plan Your Summer Visitation Schedule

2011-03-28T09:02:00.000-07:00

This is a brief Public Service Announcement.

Attention all Texans with a Texas standard visitation schedule! If you read your summer schedule section, you will probably see that you have to notify the other parent of your desired summer possession schedule by April 1 or April 15, depending on whether you have the right to choose the primary residence of the child. If you don't have primary custody/possession of the child, you probably are required to notify the other parent by April 1. If you don't do so, you will probably have have the child for the month of July.

Please read the language of your court order very carefully. Sometimes the language is customized and the dates and other details may be different from the standard provisions.

If you have a standard Texas visitation schedule, and if you have primary custody of your child, you probably have until April 15 to designate your summer possession times.

Please read the language of your court order very carefully. Sometimes the language is customized and the dates and other details may be different from the standard provisions.

There are two lessons to be remembered here: (1) Dates and deadlines in court orders are important and may limit your choices, so you should plan ahead. You can act before the deadlines. (2) It is important to read the exact language of your court order and follow the directions. Don't guess or make assumptions about what your order says. Read it and then act.

The Good News:

Of course, you and the other parent can agree on whatever time-sharing arrangement for the summer that you want. Be creative and you can figure out how both parents can enjoy the summer with your child. How ever you do it, have a great summer vacation with your child!

Can You be a Friendly Parent?

2011-03-25T08:14:00.000-07:00

While scanning the Internet the other day, I ran across an interesting article in "The Australian". I don't remember how I got there, but it was fun reading about what was going on in Australia in the realm of family law.

While I don't have all the context of Australian law, it is apparent that some revision of their family law statutes is being considered. The article mentioned what they referred to as the "friendly parent provision". It appears that judges in Australia will consider, in making a custody decision, whether each parent has been cooperative or "friendly" with the other parent. An uncooperative, unfriendly parent apparently will be at a disadvantage in a custody fight.

While Texas and probably all other American states don't explicitly list that as a statutory factor to be considered in a custody fight, being a friendly parent certainly is an important component to be considered. It is clearly a factor considered by many judges and I have seen it have a major effect on custody decisions.

Why Being a Friendly Parent is Important

It can help minimize stress for both parties and the children. Naturally, the less fighting there is, the less stressful the situation will be. Even if the parties disagree about some things, they can do so respectfully and at appropriate times and places. They can still make changes in their schedules with the kids and share information about school and the kids' activities, even if there are some underlying tensions. Kids don't need to participate in or observe their parents' disagreements.
Parents can teach kids how to behave as adults by modeling good behavior with each other. There will always be some disagreements between parents and kids, and parents need to be able to count on each other and work together to provide a safe and secure environment for their kids.
Cooperative parents can maximize their "quality" time with their kids. Instead of fighting over turf or trying to be inflexible to maintain control over the situation, parents can arrange to adapt their times with the kids to meet work, travel and family schedules. If a parent must work on a weekend, it makes sense to trade that time for other time when the parent will be available to be with the kids. Everybody has conflicts from time to time that can't be avoided. Being flexible with the other parent will create goodwill, future time trades and better times with the kids.

How Can You be a Friendly Parent?

Be willing to changes schedules. Be flexible. Don't just insist on following the rigid court order.
Don't keep strict score of who has the most time with the kids. Recognize that not all time is equally valuable. Make sure that the kids have valuable time with each parent.
Figure out what the kids really want or would want. Keep their best interests in the forefront.

It looks like we could learn a lot from our friends in Australia. Being a friendly parent will pay dividends, not just in "winning" custody, but in raising children in the best possible environment.

IRS Forms and Information Resources

2011-03-16T15:09:00.000-07:00

Jeanne M. Hannah is a family law attorney in Traverse City, Michigan who has written an excellent family law blog for a number of years. She recently gathered links to a number of IRS tax resources and publications and published them in her blog. The following is the text of her post of March 14, 2011:

The IRS has released updated publications and forms that help divorced and divorcing people understand and deal with these issues:

income tax filing status
the right to claim tax exemptions
how to protect against tax liabilities arising from FOC intercepts of tax refunds on joint returns when, in fact the intercept is for child support arrearages of only one spouse and some of the tax refund belongs to the other spouse.
how to claim "innocent spouse" relief from liability caused by unreported income by the other spouse are now available.

See, in particular, IRS Publication 504 Divorced or Separated Individuals [January 10, 2011]

Other recently published and/or updated publications or IRS Forms that family lawyers' clients will find helpful and informative are:

Injured Spouse Relief: IRS Form 8379 is filed by one spouse (the injured spouse) on a jointly filed tax return when the joint overpayment expected was applied (offset) to a past-due obligation of the other spouse (e.g., a tax intercept for unpaid child support arrearages. This is how the injured spouse recovers her tax refund. See also the instructions for using Form 8379 here.

IRS Publication 971. How to Claim Innocent Spouse Relief. [Revised February 2011]

Innocent Spouse Relief: IRS Form 8857 is used to request exemption from tax liabilities cause by the under-reporting of income by the other spouse on a joint return filed during the marriage. See also Instructions for Filing Form 8857

Other recently revised publications of interest to those recently divorced or divorcing are these:

Publication 501: Exemptions, Standard Deduction, and Filing Information [Published January 5, 2011]

Publication 544: Sales and Other Dispositions of Property, including transfers to spouse, rollovers or retirements accounts

Publication 555: Community Property, including information about how to handle income from separate property [Revised December 2010]

Publication 590: Individual Retirement Arrangements (IRAs) [Published February 3, 2011]

This should be useful information for anyone going through a divorce, considering starting a divorce, staring at an impending divorce or recovering from a divorce. For other interesting and helpful information, you can check periodically on Ms. Hannah's blog, Updates in Michigan Family Law. I highly recommend her work.

Starting with the Small Stuff

2011-03-08T08:35:00.000-08:00

There's an old saying that has application to negotiations as well as other life issues. "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." In other words, don't try to take on the whole task all at once. Take it a step at a time.

Seth Godin recently had a post on his blog that got me thinking about negotiations. His point was that people shouldn't start with fighting the impossible battles first. You should start with smaller battles and have some wins before moving up to the more difficult fights.

In many contexts, we are often admonished to "don't sweat the small stuff". That's usually good advice, but in negotiations, it sometimes works out better to start with the small stuff instead of the overriding issue that will eventually have to be resolved.

I have had many clients who insisted on starting on the biggest, most difficult overriding issue in negotiations to test the willingness of the other side to "be reasonable/realistic/fair", etc. These clients didn't really expect to reach agreements, whether the case was in mediation, Collaborative Law or just plain negotiations between the parties or attorneys. They say they don't want to waste time negotiating if they the other side isn't committed to doing the right thing.

Such an approach ignores the need to build a road to reach the goal they want. The road requires a foundation and planning. Roads are usually built in small sections, rather than building the whole road all at once. Negotiations in family law cases also require a foundation and planning, working a section at a time.

In a custody case, the parties may be able to come to agreements on how to share the powers, rights and duties of parents, even where they can't immediately agree on who should have "primary custody". (Part of the underlying problem may be the use of certain labels that make one parent appear to be inferior to the other, but that's a topic for another post.) If the parents will spend some time reaching agreement on the sub issues, such as the parental decision-making powers, how they share time with the kids and sharing involvement with extracurricular activities, for examples, they may not have such a big issue remaining.

When the parties have to negotiate property division terms, there will always be some assets that are pretty easy to divide, and that can make a good starting point. Beginning with some simple decisions can help build momentum that can lead to more progress on the bigger items. Working on furniture and personal property, or the IRAs that are in each party's name, can be a low-conflict point where they can readily agree. As the smaller items are eliminated, sometimes it becomes easier to resolve the other issues because the end is in sight.

Similarly, when dealing with taxes, retirement, debts, investments or many other issues, it makes sense to start with the small, easy-to-agree-to terms. Momentum develops and sometimes a little good will is created when each side sees the other side sacrificing or at least being reasonable.

When you are starting to negotiate a settlement in a family law case, your chances for success will be enhanced if you plan ahead and start work on some smaller issues so that your successes will build momentum to help with the bigger issues.

Having an Exit Plan

2011-03-01T21:50:00.000-08:00

For a variety of reasons, some people get surprised or ambushed by the news that their spouse wants to get a divorce. No matter how unhappy a spouse may have been or how many times one or both spouses talked about divorce, it is not unusual for a husband or wife to be taken off guard by the announcement that their spouse is leaving and filing for divorce.

If you get hit by the unexpected news, or if you see it coming, you probably immediately start wondering what to do. Taking a rash or dramatic action is probably not in your best interest. Instead, you should take some small, defensive steps and allow yourself time the think and the opportunity to get expert help.

From an entirely unrelated source, the Attorney at Work blog, I recently saw an article about what an attorney should do if facing a loss of a job. The suggested emergency exit plan for an employment situation easily translates into some useful steps for someone to follow who is "losing" their marriage. Here are my slightly modified suggestions for an immediate exit plan in case of impending divorce:

1. Gather your legal documents. It's never too early to gather up what you can, make copies and then put them in a safe place, which could be with a friend. Even if your spouse is just "thinking about" getting a divorce, it would be wise to get all the financial records you can while you have your greatest access to them. Waiting is not a good idea. Documents tend to disappear.

2. Get a referral for a divorce lawyer. While you still have some time, seek out recommendations from friends and other people you respect. Do some research on line. Look at web sites and blogs to find out about what to expect in the process and to get a feel for how the author would approach a case. You can look at on line directories and rating services to get more information about possible attorneys.

3. Control and limit what you say. That is true about face-to-face discussions (don't escalate arguments), as well as on line opportunities, such as Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn or listserves. Also, be very careful what you put in writing, including by texting. It's easy to do audio recording anywhere and to take movies and photos anywhere. You should always think about how what you say, do or write would appear if presented in court.

4. Protect personal information. That includes information on computers, laptops, telephones, etc. Don't leave personal information accessible. Use passwords and don't leave the hardware lying around.

5. Breathe. Remember the airline announcements just before takeoff when the flight attendants tell you to put on your own air mask ("in the unlikely event of an emergency") before you put your child's mask on him/her. In any crisis, it sure helps to stop for a second and take some deep breaths. It will help clear your head and reduce your stress level.

These are all helpful suggestions for a sudden potential divorce emergency, but the original article also has good ideas for anyone facing a job loss, an unfortunately all-too-common occurrence. Anyway, while you are initially searching for answers and starting to come up with a plan, these suggestions are a good starting point.

The Big Picture

2011-02-15T08:41:00.000-08:00

Divorce and other family law issues really are tightly connected to emotions. They are obviously very personal and usually involve some hurt feelings. People do go through stages of grief when a relationship ends, and that makes it tough for a while for most people to operate effectively. Some people, however, have anger issues that make it almost impossible for them to function rationally in some situations. The anger may be triggered by financial consequences of their situation, or by perceived slights or the loss of relationships. Others are upset because of new responsibilities they must assume, or by their loss of assets they worked hard for, or maybe just by change itself.

Whatever the cause, it is often difficult to deal with family law issues on a rational basis. Because of anger or other emotional issues, people have trouble dealing with the big picture and often end up focusing on small details. Some people keep score, tracking their wins and losses as if every action were equal to every other action.

Even though many people do not understand this, family law cases are not competitions. It is possible for both parties to win or to lose in a divorce. If you add in children, both parents and the children can all win or lose. It is not necessarily a situation where there must be one winner and one loser. If you operate on a minute level and agonize over how to split the pots and pans, then you can have a "winner" and a "loser" regarding who ends up with the 6-inch sauce pan. On the other hand, if there is a focus on providing two homes with some pots and pans, keeping in mind that they are replaceable, it is possible for both sides to have an adequate set to start.

On an often more emotional issue, paying child support, how the parents approach the issue makes a huge difference with satisfaction in the outcome. If they have a common goal of providing adequate support from both parents to keep the child's standard of living as similar as possible to the pre-divorce standard, the parents can probably make an agreement that's satisfying or acceptable to both sides.

Some people start keeping score and believe that their case is a disaster if some rulings by a judge go against them. Some people will start to see a trend when two or three small issues don't go their way. Rational people know that they will win some and lose some, and that not all issues are as important as others.

The Lessons

1. You can waste a lot of money focusing on the small things. If you insist that your attorney fight over every small thing, it will be expensive. It's easy for an attorney to stay busy preparing letters and pleadings, making phone calls, and negotiating over pots and pans or small sums of money. (It's not fun for the attorneys, but it's easy.) In reality, you are better off financially putting your time and money into achieving your higher level objectives, such as getting an adequate share of the retirement assets, providing funds to pay for your child's college expenses or getting the house sold so each party can purchase their own home, for examples.

2. Fighting over the small stuff unnecessarily increases your stress level. Stress isn't good for you, but many people ignore that and plunge right into battles over minutiae. It's not worth damaging your health over small issues. It's easy to get lost in a jungle of small, but intertwined, issues, and you can easily get stressed out, if you're not careful.

3. If your attorney tells you to focus on the big picture, that's good advice. Your attorney is more objective than you and is in a better position to judge whether you have gotten bogged down in the less important issues. It's easy to get distracted and get off course, so pay attention to your attorney. If you have a vague feeling that things aren't going your way and you aren't "winning" enough, please talk to your attorney about it. Your attorney should be able to help you keep things in perspective.

You know the old saying about not being able to see the forest for the trees. There is a lot of truth to that. It can be costly and stressful if you get off track and don't focus on the big issues. You're a lot better off financially and health-wise if you look at the big picture instead of letting yourself be distracted by smaller issues.

What to Do if You Get a Bad Result

2011-02-01T08:22:00.000-08:00

Most people, once they reach a certain age and maturity level, realize that there's not always a happy ending and that they don't always get what they want. And sometimes I would have to disagree with the Rolling Stones who famously said that if you don't get want you want, you'll get what you need. Unfortunately, sometimes there are just bad days and things don't go well for you in court or in negotiations. If you find yourself in such a situation, what can you do or what should you do? Here are some suggestions.

Prelude: Keep in mind that bad results are rarely fatal. As bad as things may be or seem to be, soon things will get better. Time passes and you begin to work out of the hole you may be in. Take some deep breaths and try to put the situation in perspective. Get some help from a non-depressing friend. (We all know some "downer" friends who always see the glass half empty. Don't go to them for support.) Sometimes, experiencing a real let-down opens up new points of view that can help you change directions and may lead you to great improvement in the future. In addition to this attitude recalibration, there are some steps you can take in the legal arena.

1. Have an attorney review the situation right away. You should act quickly because there are often deadlines of 7 or 30 days, or some other time period, for you to take action. An attorney can tell you if the "bad result" is normal or is something that should be attacked, or if any action is cost-effective. Find out what your options are.

2. Get a second opinion. Do it all over with a second or third attorney to make sure you have a thorough review and understanding.

3. You might file a motion for new trial or a motion to reconsider. That is a way to bring everything back before the court, but you should have something new to add to the hearing: new facts, new law or new analysis. You may have to file a motion for new trial if you want to appeal.

4. You can appeal. There are different types of appeals provided in family law situations. Some matters go to a court of appeals, and that's very expensive and time consuming. Other appeals are less formal and can go back to the district court. Your attorney can advise you about these choices.

5. Consider a motion to modify. That might require some passage of time and a change of circumstances, but the delay may help you gather information to support the need for change, and it would also give you time to raise money to pay your legal fees.

6. Try working with your (ex)spouse. Sometimes, people can be reasonable and recognize that a result isn't right or won't work. Sometimes they want to avoid the cost of litigation, so you may be able to work informally with the other side.

7. Consider using mediation or Collaboration. If you and your ex can't work well on your own, maybe having a mediator would help, or you could enter the Collaborative process, with each having your own attorney and other neutral professionals as needed. It doesn't necessarily take a war to undo a bad result.

Postlude: Part of the problem may be your perception. Make sure that your expectations are realistic. When you are talking with attorneys and other trusted advisors, ask whether they think you are being realistic. You may be asking for something that is way out of line. Do a reality check.

As you can see, there are several options for you to consider if things don't go your way. Don't overreact. Stop and think before acting. Get some good advice and then follow through. Good luck!

What to Do if Your Spouse Files for Divorce

2011-01-16T21:06:00.000-08:00

At this time of year, once the holidays are over, many people decide to begin the process of divorce. Sometimes, their spouse either doesn't expect it or is in denial or doesn't want to get divorced. This post is for those people who are reacting to a situation out of their control -- when their spouse files for divorce. If you find yourself in that position, here's what you can do.

1. If you see it coming, start preparing. Gather records, get control over some financial resources: cash, accounts, credit cards. You need to have some financial resources under your control that you can depend on. Cash and credit cards are very helpful, but cleaning out the accounts and leaving nothing for your spouse probably will hurt you in the long run. You will need to think about the respective living arrangements for you and your spouse. If you have kids, how will you take care of them, pay any necessary bills and share time with them with your spouse? Don't just sit around, start planning and anticipating. Get some help from friends and professionals.

2. If you didn't see it coming, start preparing, but move faster. If you have to play catch-up, do so. You still need to do a lot of planning, even if you get surprised. Start as soon as you can.

3. Research your options. Collaborative Law is always worth considering. (See some of my other posts or my Texas Collaborative Law Blog.) You might have to go into litigation, but mediation is usually an effective way to resolve cases. Talk to an attorney about the best way to proceed.

4. Decide what's important for you. Figure out what you would like to end up with. That includes financial assets, kid issues and any other concerns you have. Spend time at the start of the process to determine what you want and you will have a better chance of being satisfied. Just defaulting to "half of everything" and "standard" possession or child support may not be in your best interest. Think about it and discuss the issues with your attorney and counselor (if you have one).

5. Select an attorney. Look for experience, training, cost and chemistry. Find out how much experience your prospective attorney has with the issues of your case. Is the attorney a Board Certified Specialist in Family Law? Does the attorney have any special training for Collaborative Law or other special needs for your case? Make sure the attorney is affordable. It doesn't benefit you or the attorney to hire the most expensive attorney and hope that you will somehow be able to afford him or her. There are many fine attorneys at different price ranges. Finally, and maybe most importantly, make sure you and the attorney have good chemistry. If you don't feel comfortable and can't communicate well with the attorney, go to someone else, no matter how great the first attorney is. There are plenty of attorneys around and you should be able to work with one you like and feel comfortable with.

I realize that not everyone is willing or able to make the decision to get divorced. If you are someone who's had the decision made for you by your spouse, hopefully these suggestions will help you come up with a plan for response. These are not original, secret or complicated ideas. They are meant to help someone with a sudden need to deal with one of life's most difficult situations.

How to Start a Divorce

2011-01-09T18:32:00.000-08:00

Because it's January again and many people are thinking about divorce, it may be helpful to have a brief review of what someone can do to prepare to file for divorce. Some people don't really plan ahead. They just go see a lawyer and turn everything over over to the lawyer to file and come up with a plan of action. Other people may want to do more to have a greater chance of a favorable, or at least acceptable, outcome. Here's what can be done:

1. Start by determining what you what to end up with. What are your goals, needs and interests? The easy way out is to say that you want what is fair or you want a 50-50 split, but that's really superficial and may leave you short-changed. Everybody is different. What's "fair" to someone is not fair to someone else. There may be certain assets that are more important to you than to your spouse. Maybe you need cash now to pay for some immediate expenses, or maybe you need extra retirement assets. If there are four automobiles, you may just need one, not two. Maybe some collections or artwork are more meaningful to you. Whatever the situation, you will feel better and be better off after the divorce if you decide early what your objectives are.

2. Select a method. You actually have choices. You need to decide whether you want to use Collaborative Law, litigation or just try to work out things with your spouse over the kitchen table. Maybe mediation appeals to you. Investigate the options and choose the way that works best for you. In researching the possibilities, make sure that you speak with an attorney with significant training and experience in the different methods. Hint: not all attorneys are trained and experienced in Collaborative Law. For an opinion on that approach, you should make sure the attorney has had experience in handling Collaborative cases.

3. Prepare. Gather records and information about your financial estate and be familiar with any issues regarding your child and your spouse. For a handy checklist, see the prior post from January 2, 2011.

4. Meet with your attorney. Early. It is important to see the attorney before things get heated up. Your attorney will appreciate having time to prepare and you will have more options on how to proceed. You will have time to gather or request records and you can plan different options for where you will live and how bills will be paid.

5. Take the first step. File, set a hearing (if needed) and serve the papers (or hand-deliver them, if that will help). It is generally advantageous to be the one to file first. Once it is inevitable that the divorce will take place, you will be better served by being active and getting things done at your convenience.

These suggestions are not meant to talk you into a divorce. Whether you decide to divorce is an separate and very personal matter. You should carefully consider all the circumstances in your life and in most cases, you should meet with a counselor, alone or as a couple, to get some perspective in evaluating your situation and maybe to get some help in resolving the issues you are facing. Only after careful consideration should you begin the process of divorce. Once you commit to the choice of divorce, you should then follow the above steps.

10 Things to Do to Prepare for Divorce

2011-01-02T10:08:00.000-08:00

At this time of year, many people start thinking seriously about filing for divorce. When you decide you need to see an attorney to discuss that prospect, here's a list of things that are helpful to attorneys when they are getting an overview of your case.

Personal household budget with supporting documents. Your attorney needs to know the average monthly amounts for all of your usual expenses. Copies of the latest statement for each bill would be helpful.

Income tax returns. Please provide the complete returns, with all schedules and attachments, for the last 3 years.

TAD appraisal. You can get and print off the latest appraisal of your real estate from the Tarrant Appraisal District on line.

Bank account statements. It is helpful to have your bank records for the last 3 years for every bank account of any type, checking or savings or other, for you, your spouse and your children. You can probably download those from your banks or go to the bank and get them. You need information for every account that you or your spouse have a connection with.

Pay stubs. You should bring pay stubs for you and your spouse for the last 6 months, or some other record showing the pay checks for that time period.

List of debts. Please prepare a list of all the debts you are aware of, including but not limited to, mortgage, car loans, leases, credit cards and other loans. The list should include the total balance for each and the monthly payment amounts.

Medical insurance card and information. Please bring a copy of your insurance card and any information you have about the policy, specifically about the coverage and cost.

Personal property information. It helps to have a list of the personal property (such as furniture, household items, personal effects, etc.) that you want on an immediate and temporary basis. Think about what you need every day.

Internet presence. Please make a list of all web sites and social media sites used by you and your spouse, and the names and passwords, if you know them. This should include Facebook, YouTube, My Space, LinkedIn, Twitter and other sites, including any blogs. Do a Google search on yourself and your spouse and then download the results.

Special needs. Please tell your attorney if there are any special needs that you or a family member have.

If you bring all this information to your first meeting with a lawyer about a divorce, you will be much more helpful to the attorney and much better prepared for court or negotiations.

Bonus item: If you can think about what you would like to end up with and what your goals would be, that can be a very big help for you and your attorney. Take a little time and bring some ideas in writing. Everyone can benefit from planning ahead.

Getting a "Quiet" Divorce

2010-12-20T14:28:00.000-08:00

There are quiet divorces and then there are the ones you hear too much about -- the celebrities with their binges and affairs caught on film, tape and the Internet, and your friends and relatives who go through the gauntlet fighting against all odds against the most overbearing spouse imaginable. You hear the horror stories all the time, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Collaborative Law is one way to have a quiet, peaceful and civilized divorce or resolution to another family law issue, but sometimes you can have a low-key litigation experience if the parties show maturity and stability to cooperate to end or change a relationship that isn't working. Many people start out with almost everything agreed. They may not need the full menu of legal services employed to work through a difficult and contentious divorce.

If you and your spouse are on fairly good terms and want to work together informally, Collaborative Law may be a good option, but it may not be needed in some less complex or mostly-settled cases. If you are in that situation, you should talk to an attorney about the following:

Use minimal pleadings and don't make inflammatory allegations. You don't have to have a temporary restraining order or a temporary hearing. Discuss the situation with your attorney and determine the minimum that is needed.

Insist on limiting your court appearances. You may not even need to appear in court to get the final decree signed.

You don't necessarily need a deposition taken of your spouse, especially if everything is worked out.

Likewise, you don't need formal, written discovery. Attorneys have numerous ways of gathering and sharing information.

You can control the timetable, if everything is agreed, although there is still a 60-day waiting period in Texas.

You also control the terms. Most judges will approve agreements made by the parties as long as the terms are written in a way that makes them clear and enforceable.

Not every divorce or family law procedure needs to be handled the same as all others. As the party most affected by the process, you have the right to tell your attorney to limit the steps you follow. Have a frank discussion and make sure that you do not just blindly follow an attorney's advice to do everything a "standard" way. Standard isn't always the best.

Dealing with Depression

2010-12-10T20:50:00.000-08:00

I'm no therapist, but...

Unfortunately, depression seems to be becoming more common-place during holidays, especially when there's a divorce or other family law procedure pending or recently completed.

The fact that depression isn't discussed much in most divorce and family law cases doesn't mean that it's not a significant factor in many situations. When people think about, or discuss, how people act during a divorce, it's very common for one or both parties to be described as angry. Sometimes more colorful terms, often describing personality disorders, are tossed about. But aggressive actions by a party often mask an underlying depression.

Depression is an under-treated condition that is actually pretty common in divorces. At different times, almost everyone going through a divorce will experience feelings of depression. The good news is that it's not necessarily a permanent condition and there are some things you can do to minimize or avoid depression.

Health.com recently had an excellent article entitled "10 No Cost Strategies to Fight Depression". The article wasn't about divorce, but I thought the suggestions were excellent (but remember that I'm no therapist...) and they could very easily apply to the divorce context. Here's what they suggested:

Don't blame yourself.
Talk about it.
Get regular exercise.
Postpone major decisions.
Take care of your health.
Maintain a daily routine.
Eat a healthy diet.
Avoid drugs and alcohol.
Try to sleep well.
Don't overschedule.

I would add a corollary: If you think you may be depressed, please tell your lawyer so that s/he can either help you find a counselor or can work out a strategy to compensate for the issue.

The suggestions sound pretty simple, but it is sometimes hard to admit that you are depressed and it may be hard to put aside anger so that you can think rationally. If you sense you are experiencing some symptoms of depression, get help. Seeing a real therapist (not me), staying physically active and maintaining good health can get you started on the road to recovery. Depression usually won't go away by itself. If you avoid treating your depression, it can overcome you and cost you a lot in your divorce or other family law matter. When and if you are depressed, you probably aren't functioning very well and others, maybe including a judge, will notice, and that can affect the outcome of your case.

By the way, even if you aren't depressed and even if you aren't involved in a court case, following the 10 suggestions above will still benefit you by allowing you to be happier and healthier.

If you know of any other effective ways to deal with depression, please add a comment below.

What You Should Tell Your Attorney

2010-12-01T09:37:00.000-08:00

Most divorces and other family law issues don't wrap up in one or two or three months. Unfortunately, the issues involve complicated and changing facts that take time to uncover and understand. Attorneys and clients must work together closely and communicate well, and that usually happens. In a surprising number of cases, however, some highly relevant information is not conveyed to the attorney.

Some Matters That Should Be Disclosed to Your Attorney

You are buying or selling a house, or if you are moving.
You are having surgery.
You lost or will lose your job, or you are starting a new job, or your pay has changed.
You are getting counseling, or you stopped or never started counseling that was ordered by the court or expected by your attorney.
Your arrest or criminal history.
You are dating or have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
You have a roommate.
There has been a significant financial change.
You have been served with legal papers.
You are being threatened with litigation.
You have had an argument, or made an agreement, with your spouse.
You plan to dispose of some of your assets or your spouse's assets.

That is not a complete list. When in doubt, tell your attorney.

Problems The lack of communication can result in problems when the news comes out, which it inevitably does. Some of the results can include:

Violations of court orders that could have been avoided. Timely notice to the attorney might have enabled the attorney prevent the action or minimize the impact.
The client's attorney being caught unprepared in a hearing when the issue is brought out in front of the judge. It is usually better to volunteer the unflattering information instead of leaving the impression that you are trying to hide something.
The other party or other attorney becoming upset because of the unilateral action. That often can be prevented or minimized. When the other party is upset, you can count on less willingness to be reasonable or settle on other issues.

Why don't clients inform their attorneys?

Attorneys sometimes have a hard time understanding why their clients don't tell all. In reality, there are many different reasons why it can occur. A few of them are:

Embarrassment. Clients are human, too. They don't want their attorney to think badly of them. They may hope that no one else discover the silly or stupid or malicious thing they did. Unfortunately, word almost always gets out.
Avoidance. A client may fear the response or rebuke that is expected when a course of action is proposed. They want to avoid the unpleasant experience, so they just don't talk about it.
Not thinking. Some clients just don't think it matters if they do certain things or they forget about some things. It's no big deal to them.
Desire to save money. Clients know that it costs them to talk to their attorneys, so they decide to save the up front attorney's fee costs, not thinking that the situation can turn into a bigger problem.
Secrecy. They may fear that the attorney will tell. Sometimes, clients know something is wrong, but they want to do it anyway. To protect themselves, at least in the short term, they try to hide the action from their attorney. But, the facts will usually come out anyway.

What's the Solution? Talk to your attorney and let him/her figure out how to best handle difficult or embarrassing facts. Let your attorney advise you on what actions to take or to avoid. It's really pretty simple.

Five Common Sense Rules for Divorce

2010-11-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

Daniel Clement writes an excellent blog, the New York Divorce Report, where he had some good lessons for anyone going through a divorce in a post on October 26, 2010. Because it was so well-written, I have reproduced it below:

"Contemplating divorce or already engaged in one? No matter where you are in the process, five common sense rules apply to all family law cases:

Don't underestimate the fury of a scorned spouse.

" 'Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned. Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.' Anger, jealously and feelings of betrayal inspire the need for revenge. A divorce premised on the need for revenge will be costly (economically and emotionally), bitter and damaging to all.

You can listen to your friends, but maybe don’t pay attention to them.

"Divorces are fact specific. The facts of your case are different from your neighbors your friends, and your co-workers. The facts of your case will determine the outcome. So, when a client tells me that 'My hairdresser said that I should do. . . ' or that 'I am entitled to. . . .' I try to find out when the hair dresser started practicing law. By analogy, I don’t tell my mechanic how to fix my car.

Don't write or say anything that you don't want to be read or heard in court.

"Social network postings, pictures, and even causal asides will be used against you in a contested divorce or a custody fight. Your own words could be the strongest evidence against you. If you don’t want something to be used against you, exercise discretion and don’t say it, post it or photograph it.

Don't let any anger, guilt or remorse get in the way of a reasonable and fair settlement.

"Settlements should objectively fair, based upon the facts of the case. The emotions of anger and guilt cloud judgment. For instance, a spouse who feels that he/she betrayed the other by having an affair, may be willing to 'give away the farm' to satiate feelings of guilt. On the other hand, the betrayed party may have a knee jerk reaction rejecting a fair settlement offer because it does not provide for loss of the other’s body parts. Accept the advice of your attorney and financial advisors in order to resolve your case.

Hire a lawyer who practices matrimonial law, not someone who handles divorces only occasionally.

"Due to the complexity of the issues involved in the dissolution of a marriage, ranging from the valuation and distribution of assets to the custody and care of children,you should seek representation from an attorney well versed in this particular area of law, not from someone who dabbles."

Needless to say, divorce has serious consequences. Unfortunately, some people don't consider the long-term effects of what they do and say during a divorce. It is easy to give in to emotion and act irresponsibly in stressful and uncertain times. Instead of reacting quickly and in anger, it is much better to stop and consider your choices and act in ways that will reduce the fighting and put you in a better position to get a good resolution. In other words, stop, think and avoid the temptation to gain temporary, but immediate gratification. Consulting with your attorney before making important decisions is a good way to avoid creating bigger problems.

The Top 10 Reasons Why People Don't Hire an Attorney

2010-10-16T11:33:00.000-07:00

Many people facing difficult decisions have a hard time making the decision that they often know, down deep inside, that they need to make. Some people, at the beginning of a divorce or other family law issue, face that dilemma. Intellectually, they know what they need to do -- get started. They also know the first step is to hire an attorney. But, for a variety of reasons, they may have a really difficult time taking that step.

The following are 10 common reasons that people will use to convince themselves, or to give permission to themselves, to delay hiring an attorney. They know that once the attorney is hired, the process will begin. It's sometimes hard to face the changes that will follow, so they take the "easy way out" and put off the decision. If you are in that limbo, check the list here to see if any apply to you as you mull over your options and decide whether to hire an attorney.

1. You have now calmed down after you had gotten very upset following a discussion/argument with your spouse. It is a good idea to make important decisions when you are calm and rational, instead of while you are in the heat of a battle. Maybe it would have been a bad idea to start a divorce. On the other hand, you can think through a decision and carefully weigh the issues, looking at the pros and cons of different courses of action. If you decide against legal action after careful thought after you have calmed down, that likely is the right decision for you.

2. It could be a situation where someone else was pushing you to get started and they are not around now. Everyone has well-meaning "advisors", usually family and friends, who are willing to advise you and try to help you manage your life. Sometimes, without their encouragement and support, it's easy to change course and not do what you probably should be doing.

3. A very common affliction for people needing to make major decisions is procrastination. It seems like some people procrastinate more often than others, but everyone will put off difficult or momentous decisions at one time or another. Sometimes people get caught up in trying to gather all the information they can before deciding or they may come up with other reasons. Get help, if you need it, but make a decision.

4. Some aren't sure what they want to do, so they just want to think about it some more. That may be a form of procrastination, but it can be for other reasons. Leaving a marriage is an emotional decision as well as an rational decision. If a person has not reached the point of deciding that there is no hope for marriage, for example, it is very hard to take the step of hiring an attorney. This is a situation where the person may have to wait a little while and work through the emotions.

5. You can't get off work or you're sick or you have a sick child or other family member. Those are just excuses. You can figure out how to get off work. A sick person will get well or will improve to the point where you can take time away from them, or you can get someone to temporarily relieve you.

6. You don't want to be the one to file first. That is an important decision for some people. They are usually not aware of the fact that there are some advantages in court for being the one to file first. You should consult with an attorney and determine whether the advantages are important enough to you to go ahead and file.

7. You don't think you can get the money together to file. That can be a realistic consideration because attorneys can't work for free. On the other hand, different attorneys charge different retainers and hourly rates. Some may charge flat fees, although flat fees are not bargain rates or cheap -- they are just predictable because the attorney sets the total fee at the outset. The attorney may look over your situation and figure out where your fees can come from. Judges in Tarrant County divorce cases are pretty good about equalizing the fees available to each party. Don't let your perceived lack of funds keep you from talking to attorneys.

8. Your spouse said s/he would try to work out things with you informally or would s/he would "change" and the problems would go away. Maybe those things will happen, and maybe not. It's still best to have an attorney working with you to protect your interests.

9. You're not sure your family will want you to do this or you don't want to look bad to them. That could happen, but your family isn't the one living with your spouse or experiencing the problems you are experiencing. Your family probably doesn't know all the nitty-gritty details and they don't have the same consequences you see.

10. You trust your spouse and believe s/he and her/his attorney won't take advantage of you. Sometimes that works out, but why risk it? Your spouse, and especially her/his attorney, will understand your desire to have someone on your side. If they act upset, chances are they were planning to take advantage of you.

The bottom line is that if you are facing legal action for a divorce or other family law matter, you should consult with an attorney right to learn about your legal rights and opportunities and to discuss possible legal strategies. It is much better to plan ahead and be prepared. I have had people come in a month, two months or six months before filing, and they leave feeling better because they understand what's going on now and what their options are. You should meet with an attorney whenever you are in a similar situation.

Hopefully, this will provide some encouragement so that people will feel strong enough to take the step that will help them in the long run.

Gay Adoption -- Not an Issue in Texas?

2010-09-23T21:18:00.000-07:00

A recent court decision in Florida has highlighted an issue that could be coming to Texas. As reported by NPR, the court found that a Florida statute prohibiting gay couples from adopting children was unconstitutional. In Florida, gay couples can be foster parents, but they were unable to legally adopt simply because of their sexual orientation.

Texas does not have a similar statute. There is no such automatic disqualification from adoption because of sexual orientation, but a judge in Texas might disapprove of such an adoption for reasons relating to the "best interests of the children".

It is possible that the Texas Legislature might try to outlaw gay adoption, but they don't need to now and there are certainly budgetary issues to be resolved next Spring, so it is unlikely that such a law will be passed in Texas in the next Legislature. It's likely that the Florida case will go to the Florida Supreme Court and could end up in the U.S. Supreme Court, so we will have to wait for the final word on the issue until the appeals end. In the meantime, don't expect much activity on the issue in Texas.

Thanks to Harry Tindall of Houston for the tip about the Florida story.

Divorce Insurance -- What Will be Next?

2010-08-14T22:21:00.000-07:00

James Gross, who writes the Maryland Legal Crier blog, always comes up with interesting posts, and the following is one of the best. Here is a recent post by James:

"Want to buy some divorce insurance? Jennifer Saranow Schultz reports in the New York Times that SafeGuard Corp. of North Carolina is offering the world’s first divorce insurance called WedLock. For each $15.99 per month you pay, you can buy $1,250 in coverage. The benefit covers the costs of divorce such as lawyer fees or setting up a new home.

"Then, if you get divorced, you send Wedlock proof, and they’ll send you a check for the amount of insurance you purchased. You have to be married at least four years, however, before the payout. You can buy riders to shorten that to three years or get your premiums back if you don’t make it that long. Every year the company automatically adds another $250 to the coverage for each unit you buy.

"The company helpfully provides calculators on its site for Divorce Probability and Divorce Costs to help you figure out much insurance you need."

I don't know if the company is any good or if the insurance is worthwhile, but it's fun to use the calculators. You can do the calculations from your point of view and from your spouse's point of view. If you accurately record how your spouse would respond on the questions, you might be surprised at the difference in scores. It might get you thinking about things.

Since we now have these tools to predict the future, maybe someone will come up with a test you can take so you can learn how to correct your mistakes and fix any problems in your marriage. We can always hope!

How to Be Alone During Family Transitions

2010-08-07T13:13:00.000-07:00

As Monty Python used to say, and now for something completely different. Today's post is not "legal" information. It's more from the "counselor at law" portion of my work.

Aside from the changes in your legal status, divorce brings a lot of emotional changes and most people have to learn how to start over in some ways. A problem I have seen over and over, with all kinds of clients, is the rebound relationship. Some people have trouble being alone and not being part of a relationship.

I recently saw a video poem about being alone and I thought it had a lot of good ideas. If you are experiencing a change in relationships, the following video might be very helpful for you.

Hopefully, the video will help with those times when your spouse or significant other, or your children, are not around and you are alone. It is just temporary, but it can be difficult if you are not prepared and you aren't used to being alone.

I thought the video was excellent -- let me know what you think.

How to Speed up Your Divorce

2010-08-01T11:29:00.000-07:00

One of the most common questions clients have for their attorneys is how to speed up their divorce or other court case. This is very understandable since a family law case is usually unpleasant, expensive and slow-moving. It would be nice if there were some quick, easy answers to help speed things up. Unfortunately, there's no easy solution. However, even though there are no guarantees, but here are some things you can do to help the process.

Be agreeable. That includes trying to be agreeable on issues, plans and solutions. Remember that you can't make the other party be reasonable, and let's not even think about "fair" (fair is in the eyes of the beholder). You should do your best to adapt and compromise. If you can't agree to what the other insists on, you should probably just plan to wait for the court date in the future.

Be available. Make this case your priority and work your schedule around the court. It may not be convenient, but you may have to be inconvenienced if you want to speed up the process. Part of this is getting your preparation done in a timely manner so that you and your attorney can be ready for discussions or court. If you want your attorney to do all the work, it will cost you more time and money.

Avoid fights with the other party. In a family law case, each side usually knows what will set off the other party. Honestly, you may feel some spark of vindication or something else if you take advantage of an opportunity to say something or to respond to provocation from the other side, but those exchanges usually escalate and the result is anger which makes it hard to settle the case. No settlement = a slower process. You can choose between fleeting gratification or a faster way to end the case.

Figure out what motivates the other side and try to accommodate it. If you can come up with an agreement that meets the needs of the other side, you have a much better chance to achieve a quick resolution. Both sides always evaluation a proposal in terms of "what's in it for me?". If there's nothing, there's no agreement and you end up waiting for court.

These suggestions may seem very simple, but it's amazing how often people do just the opposite. If the suggestions don't work, there's still one more thing to do.

As a last resort, set court dates. As much as I hate to recommend it, sometimes you have to have a deadline to force the other side to act. You can schedule various steps along the way to increase activity: temporary orders hearings, modification hearing, enforcement hearing, etc. Sometimes, you can get agreement finalized just by getting everyone to the courthouse on some small aspect of the case.

Caveat: You should avoid letting the other side know that you are anxious or desperate to get the case concluded. If they find out, it gives them a huge edge in negotiating because they can hold out for more and you will need to make concessions to get an early agreement. Be sure to keep a poker face as you try to speed things up!

Temporary Restraining Order (TRO)

2010-07-22T13:14:00.000-07:00

In Texas, our Family Code provides standard language for restraining orders that can be requested and served on parties at the beginning of a divorce. To a layperson, the language may seem harsh and even accusatory. Parties who get served with a restraining order often read a lot of details into it and make a lot of assumptions. In the court system, however, little significance is attached to it.

A very common procedure is for a party to file for a divorce and request a temporary restraining order (TRO) and an order setting hearing. In some counties in Texas, there's an automatic order that goes into effect immediately against both parties (it's made "mutual"), to preserve the status quo. In Tarrant County, we don't have that immediate "standing order", but judges routinely grant TROs and then make them mutual at the first hearing date. In other words, the TRO is effective against the party who gets served with it, beginning with the time of service, and then the same language is normally applied against both parties when the judge starts making temporary orders.

Sometimes parties served with a TRO are worried that they have been accused of a wide range of bad acts. That's not the case. A TRO is just an example of a fairly common approach in the law that says "Don't do these things", without saying "I think you did these things in the past". TROs are routine and courts don't put any significance on them as far as proof, or even accusations, of past acts.

It's really like everyone is starting with a clean slate and the judge says to leave things as they are and don't do anything to harm the other party.

Bottom Line: Don't sweat it if you get served with a TRO. Take it to your lawyer and go over the details so you can comply with it in the future. Your reputation is still intact.

Who Should I Bring to Court?

2010-07-15T12:29:00.000-07:00

Most non-Collaborative Law divorces in Tarrant County start out with a temporary hearing right away after the other spouse has been served with papers. Depending on what the issues are for court, you may feel the need to bring witnesses, especially if your close friends and family suggest it to you.

While witnesses are sometimes necessary, too much of a good thing can be bad. Here's a way to approach the decision on who should attend:

First, ASK YOUR ATTORNEY! It's not good to just surprise your attorney by bringing a whole crowd of witnesses and supporters. It's also not good to do nothing and not tell your attorney who you can bring. There may be some witnesses your attorney would appreciate knowing about, so discuss the facts and possible witnesses with your attorney, and then follow your attorney's advice on who to bring.

Second, bring people with personal knowledge of relevant facts who have been approved by your attorney. The witnesses, as much as possible, should be unblemished citizens of high character. If some of your witnesses have little "issues", you should inform your attorney well in advance. You might also vet your witnesses by looking them up on FaceBook, My Space and Google. Check their postings and pictures for embarrassing details. Print off what you find.

Third, don't bring the kids unless the judge has specifically requested it.

Fourth, don't bring a huge group of witnesses and supporters. The judge does not count the supporters for each side and make the larger group the winner. A big group is disruptive and can be loud. You don't need to have a lot of people showing up and giving you advice all day at court. You just need to work with your lawyer.

Fifth, bring all necessary documents that you have. Telling the judge that you can go home or go to your pick up to get the records won't help. The only thing that counts is what is presented in court. As the Scouts say, Be Prepared! Bring whatever you may need and share it with your attorney.

Your day in court will be a lot easier if you discuss your questions, especially ones about witnesses, in advance with your attorney. Good luck!

Tips for Avoiding Holiday Explosions

2010-07-01T09:39:00.000-07:00

Traditionally, holidays present an opportunity for family fun and relaxation or for conflict. Families tend to create their own hierarchy of preferred holidays. Work and vacation schedules have a major influence on whether certain holidays are important or not for a family. Once there is a divorce or a court order to manage child possession schedules, conflicts sometimes surface.

Court orders tend to create some arbitrary divisions of holidays, and sometimes that's the best approach because the parties just will not agree on anything. In a more mature environment, however, there are ways to minimize the conflict. With the 4th of July approaching, here's some tips to keep in mind to help maintain a peaceful holiday.

Plan ahead. If you can work out plans well in advance, that will reduce everyone's stress. Waiting until the last minute probably means that plans have already be made by everyone and that someone will be unhappy about changing. While you may not be able to plan ahead all the time, it's always a good idea to start weeks or months ahead of the holiday. It will be easier to coordinate schedules and activities and to come up with alternatives.

Keep things in perspective. Remember that holidays come around every year and that it's often easy to have family events on nearby dates, if the holiday "belongs" to someone else this year.

Communicate. There are often ways to work things out if everyone can just talk directly -- and nicely. Don't make assumptions about what other people are doing or about their motivations. Sometimes people get all upset thinking about something when the issues could be worked out by a discussion.

Be respectful. No matter who has primary custody or what label is attached to a party, think about how you would like to be approached. Making demands or criticizing the other parent (or their family) or whining are not winning strategies. If you want a favor, be humble.

Think about the kids. This shouldn't be a contest of wills between two adults. It shouldn't be a question of who has the superior "ownership" of a time period. Hopefully, any special requests made will really be a benefit for the children. If the parents will analyze the situation in light of the children's best interests, many fights can be avoided.

Reasonable parents should be able to work out conflicting holiday schedules if they approach the other parent as they would want to be approached. Keeping these suggestions in mind should give parties a good chance of resolving scheduling issues before the fireworks really begin!

What are Your Options to Resolve Family Law Cases?

2010-06-18T19:49:00.000-07:00

When suddenly (or even gradually) faced with the prospect of a divorce or other major family change, many people begin to wonder what their options are. It is a very common question I hear from prospective clients. Very simply, there is a range of methods that can be employed to resolve family law matters.

Kitchen Table. In some cases, spouses can sit down together and work out agreements on all major issues on their own. Those cases involve relatively mature and intelligent people who are beyond the anger stage of the divorce process. It can be a great way to resolve issues while maintaining family relationships.

Mediation. In California and some other states, it is fairly common for the parties to go to a mediator without using attorneys and work out an agreement. In Texas, that rarely happens, but we use mediation in virtually all non-Collaborative divorces. It usually takes place after some court hearings and the completion of discovery (the exchange of information). Each party attends with an attorney and it is a very effective process in most cases.

Collaborative Law. When both parties want to try this, it can be an excellent method of reaching agreements. The parties agree to not go to court and work toward an agreement by having a series of face-to-face meetings with the parties, attorneys and other professionals. See my other blog for more information.

Arbitration. Although this is not very common in Texas, it can be a means to avoid the delays of the court system. A hired arbitrator hears testimony, reviews evidence and rules on contested issues. It can be expensive, but it is relatively quicker than a litigated divorce and might be cheaper.

Litigation. This is the most commonly used process in Texas. One side files for a divorce and usually serves papers on the other party. A temporary hearing is usually held to set up orders for while the divorce is pending. It usually takes about a year to get a contested divorce in Tarrant County. It often is resolved through mediation, but that most often occurs late in the process.

If you need to resolve a family law issue, you should think about and research the above approaches and then talk with a lawyer to get advice for your specific situation.

Do You Need a Lawyer for Mediation?

2010-06-10T21:00:00.000-07:00

The Jacksonville Divorce Lawyer Blog recently asked this question in the context of a Florida divorce. Their answer was the same as ours: legally, you aren't required to have an attorney for mediation, but you really should have one with you. As they pointed out, there are several important functions an attorney will carry out for you. Here are some of their ideas, with some of mine, for what an attorney brings to mediation:

Give you an overview of the process. There are different ways to conduct a mediation and a Tarrant County divorce lawyer can tell you how mediation is normally practiced here. The process may be followed a little differently in other areas of the state.

Help you select an appropriate mediator. Just like everyone else, mediators bring different experience, knowledge and personalities to the process. To put it another way, "one size doesn't fit all". It helps to have an experienced attorney who knows the mediators in Tarrant County who can help you choose the best mediator for your case. That decision alone can have a dramatic effect on your case.

Help you create and understand your options. Part of the mediation process is developing and evaluating options for settlement. An experienced family lawyer can help you create and select appropriate solutions.

Be a legal advisor. One of the primary roles of your attorney is to explain the law to you and answer any questions you have about how the law applies to your case.

Help you evaluate the offers on the table. Your attorney will ultimately have to give you advice, based on the attorney's knowledge and experience, about the advantages and disadvantages of any offers of settlement that you make or receive. The decision on whether to make or accept an offer always belongs to the client, but it's a good idea to consider the advice of your attorney. Lawyers typically look for what can go wrong with a deal, and that's a good thing to listen to when you may be anxious to settle.

Thus, while you can technically go to mediation without an attorney, you are better off having an experienced Tarrant County attorney to help you prepare and then to go through the process with you.

What Personality Style of Attorney Do You Want?

2010-06-01T12:04:00.000-07:00

It is a fact that every attorney is different from all other attorneys. This is obvious for people who have frequent contact with attorneys. There are differences in knowledge, experience, temperament, interest, connections, confidence, age, reputation, and on and on. On top of the unique characteristics of each attorney, there is the consideration of chemistry. When people look for an attorney, they need to meet with the attorney and get to know him/her. Clients need to make sure there's a good connection on multiple levels.

One of the factors that is often overlooked is how decision-making is shared between attorney and client. Just as in other facets of the attorney-client relationship, there are a variety of approaches. Here are some common ones, from my observation.

Paternal/Controlling/Directing -- Strong, experienced attorney who makes the decisions and then tells the client what to do. These attorneys often feel that it is their "duty" to tell clients what to do, even if the client wants something very different. This is a fairly common approach. The attorney doesn't need to consult with the client to find out what the client wants to do or not do. What often happens, if the attorney finds out the client's feelings, is that the client's wishes are often overruled by the attorney. Sometimes that creates friction between attorney and client. Other times a client feels well protected and cared for. Either way, the result is often a more protracted court case and higher attorney's fees.

Avenging Angel -- Defender of a client perceived by the attorney to be weak and unable to defend her/himself. This is usually a "light" version of the Controlling attorney. Here, the attorney guides and directs the client, but is willing to jump in and make decisions for the client who the attorney believes is incapable or ineffective in looking out for the client's own best interests.

Mouthpiece -- Speaks for the client using the client's words; little input from the attorney. Whatever the client wants, the attorney will advocate it, even if the attorney knows or should know that the action will be counterproductive. This attorney sees him/herself as standing in the client's shoes, doing what the client wants to do, but doing it better -- following the proper legal channels.

Partnership -- Fairly equal participation. This attorney becomes an ally and often is not very objective. The attorney will listen to the client and discuss what the client wants and needs. They will often talk strategy and the attorney explains things to the client, allowing the client to have some input in decision-making.

Goal-focused Facilitator -- Tries to work at a higher level, focusing on what's truly important to the client; gives pros and cons and lets the client make the decision. This attorney works to create an informed and empowered client.

Some attorneys are aware of what type of attorney personality they have, but many are not. Those who are unaware simply believe, based on what they were taught or observed, that their style is the only way (or best way) to practice law.

Some attorneys will switch from one style to another, depending on the circumstances and the personality of their clients.

What should you do about this? Before you meet with an attorney, try to find former clients and others who know the attorney whom you can talk with. When you are interviewing an attorney to hire for a case, ask questions about how the attorney views his/her relationship with the client and listen carefully to how the attorney describes his/her actions in prior cases. What you are looking for is someone you are comfortable with. There's no single right answer for everyone. It's usually best to follow your gut instinct as you decide whether the chemistry is right when choosing your lawyer.

When is the Best Time to File?

2010-05-24T14:08:00.000-07:00

The easy answer is the first day of each month, but that would be wrong. There's no automatic "best date" for any type of case. When trying to decide when to file your case, here are some things to consider:

1. What process are you using? If you use Collaborative Law, the timing is a much less significant issue. In a Collaborative case, the parties set their own schedule. In Texas, they can act without court supervision for up to two years. If the case is filed as a litigation case, then other time factors come into play.

2. Is there a significant ending deadline? If the case needs to be resolved by a certain date, then you can work backwards from that to figure out when you must file, but generally, you need to file as soon as possible. For a divorce case, don't forget the 60-day waiting period from the date of filing until the earliest possible date to have the divorce granted.

3. Has someone moved? For a divorce, to be able to file, one of the parties must have lived in Texas for at least 6 months and the county you file in for at least 90 days. If someone has moved to a different county or state, the residency requirements may also affect when you can or should file.

4. Are there statutes of limitations involved? For some types of law suits or issues, there may be a statute of limitations that would prohibit your filing something after a certain date. You should discuss any such issues with your attorney.

5. Are there post-final hearing deadlines? If you are wanting to file an appeal or a motion for new trial, for example, be sure you work with your attorney and promptly comply with all deadlines. There are various requirements for different steps to take after a final ruling has been made.

6. Are there fact-related deadlines? Is school about to start? Are certain bills due now or at a certain later date? Do you want the divorce final before the end of the year for tax purposes? Is there a deadline to accept or reject a promotion or job transfer? All can be compelling reasons to take action right away.

7. Are you prepared to file? Do you have the information, witnesses and fees you need to file now? Is there time to prepare? Make sure you work with your attorney to determine the best timing for filing any family law litigation.

There are obviously a number of questions that need to be considered in deciding when to file. You should have a thorough discussion of all the factors with your attorney. Make sure your attorney is aware of all your concerns and objectives.

Do You Want a Divorced Lawyer or a Divorce Lawyer?

2010-05-13T12:29:00.000-07:00

Ben Stevens of South Carolina has just written a thought-provoking post in his South Carolina Family Law blog about the advantages of having a divorce lawyer who has been divorced. I guess it just depends on one's perspective.

Even though I have never been divorced, I can see some merit in some of his points. He does see things a little differently than I may.

However, with nearly 34 years of representing people going through divorce, I have a pretty good idea of what goes on and I do understand a lot about the feelings involved.

I doubt people choose a doctor by asking if the doctor has had whatever disease or condition you need diagnosed and treated. In fact, you probably want a doctor who is healthy and who has a lot of knowledge and experience in the field you need help in.

When you are choosing a divorce or family law attorney, there are many considerations. How well do you and the attorney communicate with each other? Does the attorney listen to you and really hear what you are saying? Do you want an attorney to tell you everything to do, or do you want to be active in planning and carrying out a strategy? Is the attorney's temperament the style you want? Does the attorney have experience in the type of law you need help with? Is the attorney a recognized authority?

I always recommend that clients look around carefully and research prospective attorneys. There's tons of information on the Internet.

I know I'm not right for some people. At the same time, I can be a great fit for other people. It just depends on what they are looking for.

Ducks Marry Ducks

2010-05-09T09:12:00.000-07:00

I didn't create the title to this post. It's a phrase I've heard around the courthouse for years, mostly from judges, social workers and therapists, to explain why both parties in a divorce are often afflicted with the same or similar problems. Even though the lawyers and other professionals usually recognize this phenomenon, the ones who don't realize it are the ones most involved. The ducks themselves. Our clients. I am writing this to clue in the ducks so maybe they will have an easier time navigating the family law system.

Family law legal issues usually range from very emotional to extremely emotional. Luckily, clients have attorneys to help them deal with the process. In litigated cases (in contrast to Collaborative Law cases), the parties and their attorneys often spend a lot of time preparing for court, or at least preparing for heavy negotiations. The attorneys always want facts from their clients. Some attorneys focus almost exclusively on the negative, while others try to balance the mud slinging by getting evidence/witnesses about the positive aspects of their client's situation (their hard work, honesty, generosity, willingness to change diapers, etc.).

Maybe it's easier to come up with negative things, maybe it's more emotionally satisfying, or maybe people think that negative attacks are more persuasive than just saying nice things about oneself. Whatever the reason, parties (and attorneys) tend to spend more time developing evidence of negative traits than positive.

And that's where the problem arises. In case after case, I see the same thing. It's "the pot calling the kettle black". Here are some common issues where I see it:

Having an affair. It's amazing how many times one party gets all worked up because the spouse is having an affair, and it turns out that the one who's upset is also dating someone else or has in the past.
Drug use. When I hear claims of someone smoking marijuana or using other drugs, it's almost always true that the other spouse is also a druggie. (Although the person usually claims to be a "former" user.)
Forgery. There are frequent complaints that the other party forged a signature on a check or tax return or some other document. Just about the time that the victim works up a lot of righteous indignation, we discover that the "victim" also has forged the other party's signature on other similar documents.
Bad housekeeping. I actually had one party go through the house that he and his wife were sharing and take pictures of messes (which he then ignored, although he was unemployed at the time). Once he moved into his own house, he was able to match his wife's messiness, and even surpass it in places. (She went into his house and took pictures, also.)
No cooking or bad cooking. If there's one of these allegations, they probably eat fast food all the time --neither cooks.
Running up excessive debt. Most often, each has their favorite money pits and they each run up debt. Usually, the one complaining louder is the one who makes more money.
Nude pictures or movies. It's either: guess who was also participating when the pictures or movies were made, or the pictures may have been taken illegally.
Hiding assets. Distrustful spouses often are married to equally untrustworthy spouses.
Being uncooperative or unwilling to compromise. It really just depends on the issue involved. There are almost always some issues where one party simply will not budge, and the other side complains mightily, even though the positions are often reversed on other issues. Usually, each side has some non-negotiable issues.

The old double standard is clearly alive and well. It's so much more fun to attack and criticize the other side in a family law case. Unfortunately, a lot of time and money can be wasted mounting attacks on issues that make both sides look bad.

What to do about it:

Come clean with your attorney. Be honest and admit your shortcomings. Don't try to hide or downplay the dirt on you. It won't be the first time your attorney has heard about such things. It's not the attorney's position to judge you. Your lawyer is there to help you develop the best case and to achieve your worthwhile goals. The lawyer can't help you if s/he gets surprised in court.
Be realistic. Nobody's perfect. Admit to your attorney when you messed up, so the attorney can help you develop a strategy to deal with the bad facts. Everyone has at least a little dirt. Honesty can really help you in court when you admit your weaknesses. Your attorney will help you to figure out the best way to present things.
Try to come up with positive points about yourself. This is often overlooked. Judges get tired of all the negativity they see and hear. Telling the good things about yourself can make a really strong impression on the judge.
If the kids are involved, try to objectively look for their best interest. This is something judges are interested in. If you demonstrate your commitment to the children's best interest, it will pay off for you. If you are not sure about what would be best, or if there's some other way to do things, get help from a parenting professional. We use them in Collaborative cases, and there's no reason why you can't consult with one in a litigated case.
Be open to new options. The court may send you to Access Facilitation or a social worker with the county to help you develop a parenting plan. You will probably go to mediation if you don't settle early on. With any of those options, keep in mind that you are being helped by people who are experienced and can come up with many different models that have worked for others. Consider seriously any suggestions you get.

Remember, many of the issues you think are dynamite will fizzle out for a lot of reasons. One of the most common situations attorneys see is one party complaining about something that they are also guilty of, and that should be avoided. Ducks marry ducks and for many issues, there's virtually no benefit from bringing up issues that apply to both parties. Instead, look for things that will distinguish you in a positive way.

Settlements: Curb the Enthusiasm

2010-05-03T06:06:00.000-07:00

For most people going through a divorce, the concept of someone being overly generous in settlement just doesn't compute. Most of the time, each side fights to get their fair share of the assets. What often happens in litigated divorces (in contrast to Collaborative divorces) is that each party stakes out opposite positions and usually makes extreme demands for settlement. That usually leads to protracted fighting, unhappiness on both sides and high attorney fees.

Sometimes, though, while one side is anxiously figuring out how to end up with at least enough to meet their minimum needs, the other side starts making concessions and ends up being incredibly generous. There are several possible reasons for the generosity:

Guilt. The most common reason is that one party feels guilty because of an affair or because of broken promises or because of how the decision to divorce affects the spouse and/or children.

Desire to be helpful. Although rare, sometimes a party has genuine feelings of concern for the other party and wants to make sure s/he is well taken care of.

Desire to finish the divorce quickly. One side realizes that if s/he is generous and gives in on most everything, there won't be anything left to fight over and the divorce can be granted right away. Similarly, not making the spouse angry means that the spouse may be more willing to sign off on a final agreement.

Hope that the parties will reconcile and get back together if a party is "nice" or "fair" to the other one. This occurs where one party is pretty much out the door (emotionally) when they tell their spouse that they want the divorce. The "leavee" sometimes will try to fix things by being generous and to show good faith.

Guilt. This is such a common reason that it's listed twice.

Sometimes, the strategies work, but sometimes they don't. When things don't work out well, there can be significant problems. Here are some cautions to keep in mind when developing your strategy for settling cases.

1. Be careful that you don't create a hardship on yourself by being overly generous. Be realistic. Don't assume that everything will go smoothly. Leave some "wiggle room" for yourself in case your circumstances change in the future.

2. When you want to be generous to try to win back your spouse, consider the fact that your spouse may have already found a new special person and may be ready to jump into a new and public relationship once the divorce is final. There have been many cases where a spouse took a generous settlement and immediately married someone else.

3. If you are in a hurry to start up a relationship with your own new partner, keep in mind that most rebound relationships don't last. Don't give away the farm just so you can be with your new heartthrob.

4. Just being generous now won't heal fundamental relationship problems between you and your spouse. To try to overcome past problems, you and your spouse need to start with a serious commitment to counseling.

5. If you have children, remember that both parents need to be able to be active parents with homes for the children. Giving all the assets to one parent really handicaps the parenting ability of the other parent. The kids need relationships with both parents.

The result in many cases from being overly generous in settlement is major regrets. How can you avoid that outcome?

First, approach this, as much as possible, as a business deal and look out for your own interests as well the interests of the other parties.

Second, listen to your attorney and develop options with your attorney to use in settlement discussions. Money spent on creating sound negotiation strategies is money well spent.

Third, think long term. Come up with a plan that makes sense for the long term. You have to be able to operate in the immediate future, but you should look beyond that and plan ahead.

Satisfying Both Parties -- Collaborative Law

2010-04-30T11:52:00.000-07:00

An excellent article by Teresa McUsic appeared in the venerable Fort Worth Star-Telegram today discussing Collaborative divorce. In particular, the writer referenced a recently-published book by Scott Clarke, Melinda Eitzen and Vicki James. The book called, Divorce: The Collaborative Way, is available through Amazon and various book stores.

The three authors are from the North Texas area. Scott is a financial planner in Colleyville, Melinda is a Dallas attorney and Vicki is a therapist in Dallas, although they all practice in multiple counties in North Texas. I have worked with Scott and Vicki and I know Melinda, so I can confirm that they are real authorities on Collaborative Law.

Ms. McUsic discussed various aspects of Collaborative Law with the three co-authors and explained how the three professionals work together as a team in Collaborative cases in Texas. Her article is a great brief introduction to Collaborative Law.

If the article tweaks your interest, you should find the book and read it. With explanations of what the paperwork means, how the process works and the roles of each of the professionals, the book gives you an excellent overview of Collaborative Law. It also contains examples that illustrate how the Collaborative process can be beneficial to both parties in ways that standard litigation can't. The authors make it easy and fast to read, and the book is inexpensive. If you are investigating Collaborative Law and thinking of using it, this would be a great resource for you and your spouse.

Disclaimer: The authors are friends, but I have no financial interest in the book.

I Want to Know What My Legal Rights Are

2010-04-22T07:54:00.000-07:00

One of the most common requests I get is to tell a potential client what his/her rights are. Unfortunately, I think that focuses attention in the wrong direction.

Instead of trying to find out black and white, clear rules that say "this is all you can get" or "this is what everyone gets", why not focus on what you would like to have? We shouldn't be limiting the outcome to some preconceived standard rules or guidelines. Why not try for more or something different, if that's what you want?

When someone asks what his or her rights are, I usually make two preliminary points:

1. First, there's no checklist of rights. To find out your rights, we need to start by defining the subject somewhat. What kind of rights are you wanting to know about?

Child support
Alimony
Property division
Allocation of debts
What happens to retirement benefits
What about the house I had before marriage
Grandparent rights
Changing the name of a child
Being able or not able to move out of state with the child; and many other rights issues ...

2. The second consideration is that rights aren't clearly defined in Texas. There aren't a lot of absolute rules. A lot of those topics or issues don't have specific "rights" in Texas. There are possibilities, but some facts are needed to provide a context because there are almost always alternate ways to accomplish what you want. For example:

Property division isn't always 50-50.
Joint custody doesn't necessarily mean equal time sharing.
There are some limits on alimony in Texas, but there are many ways to work around them.
Child support is pretty clearly defined, but sometimes there are some variations.
Guideline visitation (possession schedules) is pretty standard, but it can be adjusted.

Because of those factors, a better question to ask is: What do you want? It's better to focus on what people want rather than limit their vision to what the law may allow. Of course, there's no guarantee that they will ever get what they want, but it's certain that people won't get what they want if they don't ask for it.

For example, if a wife wants some funds to pay for a career training program or to finish college, she should come up with a way to pay for that out of the assets and possibilities that the parties possess. Her husband might support that effort, possibly because it could provide a better home in the long term for the children, or maybe he feels guilty, or maybe for some other reason. No matter the reason, the wife might end up with funds for training, even thought there's no "right" to such funds.

Another example that sometimes occurs is when a parent wants a different possession schedule for the children. In Texas, there is a basic standard possession schedule that most people consider to be their "rights". If a dad wanted to switch nights every week because of work or other commitments, the parents can easily change the schedule, if both parties agree. But that won't happen unless at least one parent will ask for something other than the standard rights.

So, what can you do? Sometimes, it's a good idea to follow the example of children. If you have been around kids for even a short time, you will recognize their negotiating style.

First and foremost, they ask for what they want, whether it's food, going somewhere or buying something when they're in a store.
Second, they are persistent. They keep pounding away and it becomes easier to give in than to fight it.
Third, as they mature, kids learn more sophisticated arguments and find things that appeal to the adults.

Those techniques are not copyrighted. Even adults can use them. Many people going through a divorce would benefit greatly by focusing on what they want rather than finding out their "rights" and then ignoring what would really help them. It's better to aim high.

Tips for Managing Documents to Save Money on Attorney's Fees

2010-04-15T19:39:00.000-07:00

Two perennial topics for most people going through a divorce or dealing with a family law issue are how to best manage the documents that are inevitably required and how to cut down on their attorney's fees. For many reasons, we always seem to deal with a lot of documents in any case, although some cases are naturally worse than others.

The answer for some clients is to "Do It Yourself". This won't work for everyone, but for people who have time, understanding and some organizational ability, they can save time for their attorney and save money for themselves. Here are some ways this can work:

1. Background information -- In most divorces, the parties will need to produce a lot of financial records. Why not start early? When you are getting ready to meet with your prospective attorney, gather and organize whatever financial records you can find. Such things as tax returns, bank statements, retirement account statements, deeds, loan agreements and records, credit card statements, etc. are the types of records that can be important in your case. Instead of tossing them into a handy grocery sack or black plastic trash bag, spend a little time separating the records by source and put them in some appropriate order, such as chronological. You can get bonus points from your attorney if you put tabs or labels on the documents or put them in a notebook or set of folders.

2. Discovery -- This is the single most paper-intensive step in the divorce or litigation process. In most non-Collaborative cases, each side sends the other side long lists of questions and requests for documents. It can take a long time to gather up the paperwork and an even longer time to review and organize it. Your attorney will tell you what is needed and you will have the initial responsibility of gathering and organizing the documents. The more complete and organized the records are, the more you will benefit. You probably have a good idea of what your records are or should be, so it makes sense for you to assume the responsibility to get the information together in an understandable and organized fashion.

3. Messages -- Occasionally, you may have letters that are relevant and important to your case. More often, there will be emails, texts, tweets, wall postings, direct messages or other forms of written communications. These can really be voluminous. The initial problem with these is getting a paper copy or a good electronic copy. Then, the messages need to be organized so that your attorney knows what you consider to be the importance of each message. It's also good to have date and time information on each message.

As you gather information for the purposes discussed above, please keep in mind the following "Don'ts".

Don't write on the documents. Some people like to write their response or their side of an issue on the document. That can cause problems for your lawyer in authenticating the document and avoiding objections in court (your comments are "hearsay").

Don't change anything on the document or record. The paper must be a true and correct copy of something. Don't change the content or the appearance of the document. Let your attorney worry about the appearance and whether the information is helpful or not.

Don't give partial documents. Most of the time, your attorney will need the complete document to make it admissible in court.

Bonus Tip: You may be able to save money and time by making extra copies before you deliver documents to your attorney. However, you may waste some money if you copy everything before your attorney has confirmed that the paperwork is useful. It's best to coordinate copying plans with your attorney's staff before you get started.

Did You Notify the State Case Registry?

2010-04-02T14:00:00.000-07:00

An often-overlooked part of a Texas divorce decree or other order involving children is a brief requirement, usually close to the end of the order, that the parties keep the State Case Registry apprised of their current:

home, mailing and work addresses,
the name of their employer,
home and work phone numbers, and
driver's license number.

All of that information should be sent to the following address:

State Case Registry
Contract Services Section
MC 046S
P.O. Box 12017
Austin, Texas 78711-2017

Plus, the information should also be sent immediately to the other parties in the case and to the Court. You can usually send the Court's information to the Clerk of the Court.

Any time there is a change in any of the listed information, the updated information should be sent to the Registry, the other parties and the Court.

If you have questions about whether to send in changes in the listed information, you can contact your attorney or you can just send the information.

When Can a Child Decide Where to Live?

2010-03-24T21:49:00.000-07:00

One of the most frequent searches on the Internet on family law issues is the question: "At what age can the child decide where he/she will live?" As the Oregon Divorce Blog recently stated, that's a trick question. The answer is that the child can decide at age 18. When the child legally becomes an adult, the court no longer has control over the child. Until then, only the judge ultimately decides.

There are, however, several ways to have some influence.

The child can talk to the parents about the decision. As much as I don't like involving children in these decisions, sometimes a child is mature and has a reasonable basis for a change in living arrangements. What's potentially damaging is for a parent to want a change of custody and then recruit the child to become an advocate. That should be avoided. Sometimes parents try to act like the request originated with the child, but it usually doesn't. Another bad situation is when a child works the parents against each other.

A Social Study can be done for the court. The social worker can interview the child and evaluate the what the child has to say. The worker ultimately makes a recommendation from all the information gathered from a variety of sources.

An attorney can be appointed to represent the child in some cases, but the attorney isn't free. The parties have to come up with the funds to pay the attorney, in addition to paying their own attorney.

Sometimes, a court will appoint a psychologist to interview or work with a child. That gives the child an outlet, but it's not free either.

In Tarrant County divorce or custody cases, or for visitation issues, the court will often order Access Facilitation. That is a pretty effective process that has the two parents meet with a social worker from the court to discuss and try to resolve custody or visitation issues. There is no cost for that service.

The child may be permitted to visit with the judge in chambers and discuss the situation without the parents and attorneys being present, but the judge will always make the ultimate decision. Children are sometimes disappointed with the outcome of that process. Most judges are experienced enough to detect when a child has been programmed or when a child is trying to manipulate the situation. There is no slam dunk result when a child actually gets into a one-on-one with the judge. Nevertheless, the judge can gain some valuable insight into the family if s/he visits with a child in chambers.

The element in common with all those approaches: it's always the judge who decides, and never the child.

There are certainly situations that arise where there is a serious conflict between parent and child, and sometimes a change of scenery is good for everyone. Parents should do their best to keep their children out of the middle, no matter what the case. Actually, the Collaborative Law process provides good, safe opportunities for parents or child to make changes. I will have a new post soon on that approach. In the meantime, feel free to visit my other blog, Texas Collaborative Law Blog .

Paying Attention to the Internet and Social Media in Divorces

2010-03-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I learned of an old friend from years ago who had recently passed away. After his death, I discovered that he had a Face Book page and it was still up. It got me thinking about how social media sites seem timeless, and I wondered what normally happens after the principal dies. This may seem like a bit of a stretch for a blog about family law issues, but there is probably some overlap between probate, family law and estate planning regarding how social media sites react to death and maybe divorce. Fortunately, I was able to find a answer to my question. For an excellent review of how Face Book, MySpace, various Google accounts and Twitter operate after a person's death, take a look at the recent post by Jacqui Cheng in Law & Disorder.

I have previously written here and here and here about the increasingly prominent role of Internet postings on various social media sites that come up in divorce and other family law cases. These posts generally were cautioning people to be careful about what they write on Internet sites. (They also need to be careful about texting.)

Another possibility that I haven't seen addressed and haven't heard anything about yet is the possibility that an Internet site is a valuable asset which could be included in the property division in a divorce. There are certainly reports about blogs and web sites that become very profitable and generate large incomes. There is value in such a site, but it may be pretty difficult to put a value on it. On the other hand, something that produces thousands of dollars of income a month or year can't be ignored.

In a similar vein, social media can have value that should or could be considered in a property division. A Face Book page might have some commercial value, depending on how it is focused and managed, and a Fan Page on Face Book is specifically available for businesses. Twitter accounts, You Tube and other new media can also have commercial value. The names associated with various social media, blogs or a web site can have commercial value and can be sold, just as a web site can be sold. Licensing agreements are becoming more popular in businesses that rely on the Internet, and the agreements can have value.

People should be aware of the potential issues that will arise in divorce cases where the parties have active on-line businesses and use the social media to promote them. If you or your spouse have such a business, be sure to let your attorney know. If anyone has had a divorce where ownership or value of an Internet business was an issue, please let us know about it and how it was resolved. Just like death, divorce will not necessarily end an on-line business.

The Unhappiness Gap

2010-03-14T20:58:00.000-07:00

It seems that James J. Gross, in the Maryland Divorce Legal Crier, has an almost limitless supply of relevant, analytical and often encouraging comments about family relationships. Last week, he published the following suggestions that can be useful for people facing divorce or for people wanting to avoid a divorce.

"A recent study concludes that a happiness gap between spouses is a harbinger of divorce. It goes further to state that the odds of divorce increase if the wife is unhappier than the husband, because women file more divorces than men. Here are my two best tips for managing unhappiness, in marriage or divorce.

"1. Make a Grateful List. It is easy to look at the glass half full. It is human nature to always want more than we have. And your brain will keep pumping out negative thoughts as long as you dwell on what you don’t have instead of what you do have. An antidote for this is to write down all the things in your life that you are grateful for. Read this list out loud every morning.

"2. Keep a Good Things Notebook. Get a small spiral notebook. At the end of each day, write down all the good things that happened to you that day. Someone smiled at you or complimented your outfit. Keep it simple and short. Try to find at least five things a day."

I heard similar suggestions from a life coach in Texas several years ago, but I like trying out these ideas in the context of a marriage. Actually, they are probably not a magic shield that can protect you from divorce if you wait to try them out when there are serious relationship issues. If adopted and used regularly and early on, they can probably provide a lot of preventive benefit.

On the other hand, if you find yourself facing a divorce or deciding to pursue a divorce, following these suggestions should help ease your pain and assist in your emotional transition to single person. While it would obviously be helpful to the "leavee" (the one being left), a focus on the positive could certainly benefit the "leaver" (the one deciding to leave the relationship)as well. If nothing else, the emphasis on the "good" aspects of the situation should help avoid the often depressing situation of sitting around thinking about how bad the situation is.

There's not much work involved in following the suggestions. Please give them a try and then let us know if it helped.

5 Tips -- If You Think it Will be Amicable

2010-02-25T12:25:00.000-08:00

Many people contact me and say they want to have an amicable divorce or child support or visitation modification agreement. They understand the benefits that come from avoiding the negativity that often accompanies litigation. They don't want unnecessary work done and want to hold down the financial cost. Truth be told, they would probably prefer to have just one attorney represent both parties, but I always explain that can't be done. (It would be a conflict of interest for the attorney and it would violate our disciplinary rules.)

Generally, the best way to have an amicable legal proceeding is to use Collaborative Law. That process keeps the parties out of court, provides the means for thoughtful and creative decision-making and utilizes the tools necessary to accomplish the objectives of the parties. Each party would have his/her own attorney (trained in Collaborative Law), but the attorneys are focused on reaching an agreement that meets the needs of both parties. The attorneys are not concerned with following all the traditional steps of discovery, pretrial motions and hearings, depositions, etc. that are expensive and often are used to just wear down one of the parties. The Collaborative process involves gathering information informally, but using experts to help evaluate it, and then going through a brainstorming process that is effective in developing options and allowing the parties to come to agreements on their best outcomes.

Unfortunately, Collaborative Law isn't always an option. The most common reason, for now, is that one of the attorneys is not trained in Collaborative Law. Sometimes, one of the parties isn't convinced that Collaborative is the way to go. Whatever the reason, the parties in a family law matter sometimes want an amicable process, but don't utilize Collaborative Law. For that situation, I have the following five tips to help them work together peacefully and effectively.

1. Be prepared by gathering needed information. If this is a divorce, make copies of the essential financial records. I don't suggest that you grab and hold all the financial records. That would be taken as a sign of an uncooperative attitude, even if you really intended to share the information. In non-divorce cases, there will be other information needed, such as income and expense records, school records, health records, etc. It will save time later if you gather up the needed information early on.

2. Choose your attorney carefully. You should probably explain what you want to do and make sure your lawyer is comfortable with that approach. Some lawyers insist on following the same game plan for every case, even if you don't want to take certain steps. If you don't feel like the attorney will do what you want done, then talk to other attorneys. There are plenty of good attorneys and you should only hire one who fits your needs.

3. Expect difficulties. Remember that even if both parties say they want an amicable case, there will still be disagreements. There can be amicable disagreements that can be resolved when there are attorneys (and maybe other professionals) who are skilled negotiators. What you want to avoid is working with someone whose answer to conflict is, "If they won't do what we want, we'll just take it to court and let the judge decide." That's not amicable and that's probably not what either party is looking for. There are plenty of ways of resolving difficult questions without going to court, if your attorney is willing to work on it.

4. Be willing to accept helpful suggestions from your attorney. I have had people come in and tell me that they have everything worked out and they just want me to prepare a document for them. I can do that, but I feel compelled to point out problems and potential issues whenever I spot them. Attorneys will make suggestions for slight wording changes that can clarify an order and help avoid confusion and conflict later. Attorneys can sometimes point out potential tax or financial issues and help you save money and avoid problems. Attorneys often know of ways to do things to more easily accomplish what you want done. You should listen to your attorney and be open to considering implementing his/her suggestions.

5. Don't let the attorneys pressure you into using the standard ways of doing things unless you completely agree. This is the corollary to point #4. You need to listen to the attorneys, but sometimes you should disagree. Doing something just because it's the standard way of doing something is not good enough. The attorney should be able to explain better reasons or benefits for any proposed changes.

If you follow these five tips, you should be able to work out solutions amicably in family law matters. Keep in mind the possibility of using Collaborative Law to get the best results.

Male Victims of Domestic Abuse

2010-02-18T11:17:00.000-08:00

Domestic violence and abuse used to be a topic that was swept under the rug. During the past 20 years, there has been a slow, but steady increase in public awareness and concern about the problem. The issue has been around for a long time, but it hasn't been dealt with seriously until relatively recently.

The victims of violence and abuse in the home are still predominantly women, but there is a significant number of male victims as well. Most of the remedial efforts, such as shelters, to help the victims have been oriented to women. In addition to there being more female victims, women often are more willing than men to come forward to seek help. It is still very hard for women to seek help in a domestic violence situation, but it is usually much harder for men to admit that they are victims and need help (or rescue) for domestic violence.

The dynamics of the abuse suffered by men and women is similar. One or more of the following behaviors (among others) will usually be occurring:

The victim is often physically assaulted by the abuser. There are often frequent threats about what the abuser will do to the victim if the victim doesn't do as the abuser wishes. Bullying and intimidation are common tools used by the abuser as well.

The abuser often controls the finances, leaving the victim with no significant cash and no knowledge of the finances.

The abuser frequently steals, hides or damages the property owned by, or wanted by, the victim, or threatens to do so. It becomes a way to control the other party and to show the power of the abuser.

There is often a threat by the abuser to call the police on the victim, and that threat is sometimes carried out. Even worse, the victim is sometimes arrested and charged with domestic violence, which puts the victim in a deeper hole. Police look for visible blood, cuts and bruises and will usually arrest someone if they find such evidence.

Many times, the abuser is able to convince the victim that she or he has not choice but to submit to the control of the abuser.

So, what can you do if you or a loved one is caught in such a situation? Here are some suggestions.

1. Think and plan before acting, unless there is an immediate threat to your safety. (In case of an immediate threat, get away fast any way you can.) Since an abuser usually does have a lot of control over a victim's life, he or she must think first, and then act. The victim should develop a plan to escape and to start over in life. Normally, such planning takes some time and help, so ...

2. Find an ally. Get a friend or family member and confide in him or her. Even though your abusive spouse will probably tell you the opposite, there are many people who care about you. And many of them may have been suspicious of your situation. There will likely be a number of people who will help, if you reach out.

3. Get professional help. Your ally can help you arrange to meet with an attorney and maybe a counselor. The counselor will help you take back control over your life. The attorney can advise you on the best course of action in the court system.

4. Get away from the abuser. Work out a plan and then move out. Move quickly, once you start.

5. Don't get "buyer's remorse" over your decision to leave. It can be tough to move and doubts are inevitable, but keep in mind the big picture. Your health and safety, and maybe the kids' health and safety, are the most important and immediate concerns. Remember, your spouse won't change. Abusers are often incredibly skilled as manipulators, and they know what buttons to push. Don't feel sorry for the abuser. If you start to second-guess your decisions, talk to your ally and your professional helpers. Don't break down and go back. Your life may depend on it.

Men and women who are victims of domestic violence and abuse should not be embarrassed to seek help from friends and professionals. Victims need to act prudently, but they cannot afford to stay long in an abusive relationship. Please contact a professional to learn more about your options.

A Divorce Fair -- Good or Bad Idea?

2010-02-11T15:53:00.000-08:00

A recent post in the Ontario Family Law Blog discussed how there had recently been a "Divorce Fair" in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. It was like a lot of trade shows with a variety of exhibitors and presentations, but they all related to divorce.

It sounded like an interesting idea that potentially could help people considering or facing divorce or possibly recovering from a divorce. I wonder how such a Fair would be received around here. If we had a Divorce Fair in Tarrant County, we could include such things as:

Information on alternatives, such as Collaborative Law and mediation.
Information about how traditional litigation works.
Sources of information so people can search for information they are interested in.
Tips for how to find and choose an attorney.
How to benefit from using a financial professional in a divorce.
How to benefit from working with a counselor.
Approaches for preparing parenting plans.
What Tarrant County courts expect from parties to a divorce.
What programs Tarrant County provides to assist divorcing parties.

I suspect that many people would be reluctant to attend a Divorce Fair. It's just not as enjoyable as a bridal fair or even a boat show. Some people wouldn't want others to know that they were thinking about a divorce, so they wouldn't want to appear in public at a Divorce Fair.

But, I'm curious:

What do you think about the idea of having such a fair?
Do you think very many people would attend?
Would you be interested in attending?

Anonymous answers are fine, but I would like to know how this would be received. Please share your opinions.

Why We Don't Do Much Pro Bono Work

2010-02-04T09:15:00.000-08:00

We have been getting a lot of phone calls lately from people who found us on the web. Many of them have read our blogs. Unfortunately, we can't help everyone, but we do our best to refer out to good attorneys those cases that we can't help for various reasons. Sometimes the case may be outside Tarrant County or the subject matter may be something that we don't handle. Like most attorneys, we have developed a specific niche that we try to focus our work in, but we know many attorneys in this area and have created a long list of specialities and attorneys who handle them. We are pleased to give referrals that should benefit the clients and save them time.

One type of call that we have gotten a lot of lately is people asking if we do "Pro Bono" work. That's a Latin phrase (naturally -- we're lawyers) that is a shortened version that translates into "for the good of the public". The concept is that attorneys should try to provide free or low cost legal services to the truly needy.

Our position on Pro Bono is that we believe in it and we do handle such cases at no charge, but we don't take on cases as Pro Bono cases if the clients call us directly. We work with a number of organizations that contact us occasionally with a prospective client who has a legal need but lacks funds. Depending on our workload and whether we are handling other Pro Bono cases at the time, we decide whether to take on another no-attorney-fee case.

We cannot afford to work very many cases for free, so we carefully evaluate cases that are referred to us. We do not accept cases for Pro Bono if the prospective client contacts us directly and we cannot even take on every case referred to us by the organizations we work with. We do our best to help those in need, but we have expenses and need to pay bills just like everyone else. For those we can't assist, we hope the information from our web site and blogs will be helpful.

To summarize our Pro Bono policy: we believe in it, and we take referrals from a number of organizations, but we don't take on cases for no fees if the prospective client contacts us directly.

If you need an attorney, but cannot afford to pay for one, you can check with organizations where you live, you can contact different attorneys or check with your local bar association to try to find attorneys who will work Pro Bono. Most attorneys will take on some Pro Bono cases, but they have to limit that type of work since they still have to make a living. Sometimes court personnel can give you a lead on where to find help. As a last resort, there are more and more resources on line that you can turn to. Whatever you do, don't decide to do nothing. Keep talking with people and you will likely find something or someone to help you.

Revised on Feb. 28, 2010.

Why Running To Court And Refusing Divorce Mediation Is A Bad Idea

2010-01-28T22:02:00.000-08:00

C. Sean Stephens had an excellent post this week in his Collaborative Divorce Northwest Blog about how the strategy of rushing into court to get a ruling on issues such as custody, possession schedules, support, etc. may be ill-advised. Not only is this blog one of the few dealing primarily with Collaborative Law issues, but it is always interesting and well written. This post gives the perfect example of how an attorney can misread a case, with bad results for their client, when a settlement process (here, mediation) before the hearing could have provided for an acceptable arrangement for both parties. Here's what he had to say:

"Sometimes negative examples drive home the benefits of collaborative practice the most. At Stephens Margolin P.C. we help clients with both traditional litigation cases and collaborative cases. As an Oregon lawyer practicing only family law, I frequently borrow from my collaborative law skills when working on traditional cases. The traditional side of our practice frequently reminds me of the benefits of collaborative law and the flaws in traditional practice. In our traditional cases, we usually attempt a four way style meeting and mediation prior to entering a courtroom.

"I recently made an appearance in a county which allows for hearings on temporary custody and parenting time before the parties mediate. The opposing attorney had filed for temporary custody without asking for mediation. I asked the other lawyer to mediate to see what we could work out prior to using the court’s time, but they refused. I would have been happy to have a four way meeting in our conference room and talk about some creative solutions, but they refused. Rather than mediate or negotiate, a hearing was held at the other lawyer’s insistence. The result was substantially worse for the moving party than they expected. Rather than a cooperative solution being reached voluntarily, the court imposed a decision on the parties that was harmful to the moving party.

"Refusing mediation or a face to face meeting was an enormous strategic mistake for the other lawyer. A more collaborative approach would have left the other lawyer with a happier client vs. a miserable client, and a better outcome."

Here in Tarrant County, we rarely do mediation before a temporary hearing, although it is done in some cases. (We tend to rely on mediation more for final orders.) There certainly can be a benefit to trying mediation before going to court any time. Even without mediation, it's usually a good idea to make every effort to come to an agreement before you go to court.

Sometimes, however, a party or attorney will come to believe that the facts of the case are all on their side and that they shouldn't waste time negotiating. I consider that sort of an old fashioned attitude. It's great to be confident, but you really lose control of the case when you turn it over to a judge to make a decision. It's always a gamble. Sometimes it pays off, but sometimes it doesn't. With high expectations of a favorable result, it can be devastating to a party if the judge picks up on something unexpectedly and rules the "wrong way"!

Sean is a Collaborative lawyer and like many Collaborative lawyers in Texas, he tends to use a Collaborative approach even in non-Collaborative cases. Usually, that is an effective approach. Parties should never approach a court hearing overconfident, because they are likely to be disappointed. A lot of heartache and anger can be avoided if the parties and attorneys will make a genuine effort to settle before they take a chance in court.

Recipe for a Happy Divorce

2010-01-18T13:50:00.000-08:00

In looking around the blogosphere recently, I ran across an uplifting blog post by Marie Fahnert, a Chicago divorce lawyer. She provides a "Recipe for a Happy Divorce". While no one can guarantee the outcome of a divorce, or even how the process will work out, she presents some points that strike me as eminently do-able, even if they would take some effort. I believe that if people going through a divorce gave her approach a try, they would have a much better experience going through a divorce.

Here's what Marie had to say:

"Maintaining happiness (or some semblance of it) through your divorce might not be as difficult as you think. According to scientists, the following things make us happy:

Virtues: Our sense of wisdom, justice, compassion for others,
Gratitude: Appreciating what we have and expressing it to ourselves and others,
Savoring: Enjoying the moment and taking time to smell the roses,
Engagement: Being in our activities for the experience of it ("being in the zone"),
Living a meaningful life: Doing things for others and helping others.

"Studies of the Danish (the happiest people on earth) show that low expectations also make us happy. If our expectations are low, then we become happy when things go unexpectedly well. Also, Denmark's social safety net ensures people the basic necessities of life.

"How can you go through a "happy" divorce?

Remember that you are in control of the things that make you happy (see 1-5 above).
Approach the divorce—and the associated child-custody, division of property, maintenance issues—with realistic expectations.
Reach an agreement with your spouse and litigate as few things as possible. This will save you money and—like the Danish—you won't have to worry about the basic necessities of life."

This post is very timely because I always notice an increase in filings for divorce just after the first of the year. For various reasons, people put off filing until after the holidays, and then the divorce season gets into full swing. If you or someone you know is facing a divorce, please take the time to incorporate Marie's ideas into your life. Divorce is naturally stressful and unpleasant. If you can reduce that unpleasantness, your efforts will be well rewarded.

Should You Hire a Collaborative Lawyer for a Case in Litigation?

2010-01-09T15:41:00.001-08:00

An issue that comes up all the time is whether a Collaborative lawyer can or will handle non-Collaborative cases. For me, the answer is yes. Some people just assume that a Collaborative lawyer will no longer participate in litigation. That is true for some attorneys, but (at this point in time) all Tarrant County divorce lawyers who are trained in Collaborative Law still handle litigation, and that is true of most Collaborative attorneys in Texas. You can just ask an attorney if you wonder about it.

A related issue is whether it is advisable to hire a Collaborative lawyer to handle a litigation divorce. Some people may have a vague fear that a Collaborative lawyer would be unprepared, uncomfortable or unable to function in a litigated case. That is a misplaced fear. Actually, the main difference is that Collaborative attorneys have extra training and experience in negotiating that some litigation attorneys don't have. Which leads to the question: How are the extra training and experience an advantage in litigation?

Let preface my answer by briefly explaining how Tarrant County divorces work, which is essentially how they occur in many of the other counties in Texas. In a litigated divorce, here are the basic steps that are commonly followed:

One party files for divorce, gets a restraining order signed by the judge and then gets a temporary hearing scheduled. It is usually set 10-14 days after the filing date so that there is time to get the other party served with papers.

The other party receives the papers, usually from a process server. The papers are a petition for divorce, restraining order and notice of the hearing. There will be a citation explaining the need to respond to the petition.

If there's enough time, the two sides will sometimes negotiate before going to court to start to work out temporary or interim orders.

Both parties appear at court on the appointed date. They, or their attorneys, negotiate. Although the event is called a "Temporary Hearing", there usually isn't a hearing. Cases are usually set at 8:30 or 9:00 a.m. and often the parties spend all morning at the courthouse negotiating.

Negotiations can involve meetings with the judge and occasionally end in a bench conference with the judge, attorneys and parties. Even then, usually, most issues have been resolved before the conference begins and the attorneys usually only submit a few issues. Sometimes, there are negotiations in the judge's office with just the attorneys and judge present.

After the judge decides or gives suggestions or an advisory opinion, there's often more negotiations to iron out the inevitable few remaining details.

Temporary orders are drawn up and signed.

The parties then begin to gather and exchange information, either informally (sometimes) or through the formal "discovery" process. In discovery, written requests for information are sent to the other party that require that other party to produce various and extensive types of information to each other.

A trial date is usually set about this time, often many months away. Before the trial date, virtually every court requires mediation in almost every case. Mediation is not attempted only in the most unusual circumstances.

Mediation occurs. It's usually either a half- or whole-day marathon in which all remaining issues in dispute in the divorce are to be resolved.

Mediation usually works in around 90% or more of the cases. If it doesn't in a particular case, the case eventually goes to trial, although there's always the proverbial "courthouse steps" for final negotiations, and such negotiations are often successful.

You may have noticed that the common denominator in the above summary is the repeated occurrence of negotiations. The bottom line is that whether you end up in litigation (either by choice or otherwise) or Collaboration, you will be participating in negotiations.

Now, back to the question of the day: Should you hire a Collaborative lawyer for a non-Collaborative case? Here are some things to consider:

Is there a good chemistry between you and the attorney?
Does the attorney listen and communicate well?
Can you afford the attorney?
Does the attorney have the level of experience you require for your case?
Is the attorney a Board Certified Specialist in Family Law?
Is the attorney local and familiar with the judges and other attorneys?
How would the attorney approach negotiations in your case?

Ultimately, you need to decide if there is good chemistry between you and your lawyer. If you don't feel good about how the attorney communicates or the strategy the attorney proposes, try another attorney. Even excellent attorneys are not always a good match for some people. And don't worry about hiring a Collaborative lawyer in a litigated case -- it may be one of the best decisions you have made.

Staying Ahead of the Curve: 12 Proactive Steps To Take If You Are Contemplating Divorce

2009-12-28T21:29:00.000-08:00

I always recommend reading Sam Hasler's Indiana Divorce and Family Law Blog. He is a good source for staying current on family law issues because he writes insightful and interesting posts and also comments on posts he reads on other blogs. He recently wrote about a post he read in the Minnesota Divorce and Family Law Blog that is really appropriate for this time of year. At the same time that many people are making their New Year Resolutions, many other people are deciding to initiate divorce action. I often see a rise in divorce filings in January and February. People get through the holidays and then decide it's time to end their marriage.

For those who find themselves about to start on a divorce, the Minnesota blog has a great post with suggestions on how to prepare. The situations that Jason Brown mentions in his post occur all the time in Tarrant County divorces, and the need to plan ahead seems universal. Here's Jason's excellent article.

"Once you break the news of your desire to dissolve your marriage, interesting things may start happening at your house. Critical records and valuable items of personal property may suddenly vanish. It pays to be proactive to ensure that you have all the information you will need to move forward as efficiently as possible.

"The wasted time and cost associated with hunting down missing documentation can be staggering. We've handled cases where everything from an expensive diamond ring to boxes of business records have taken a bit a 'vacation.' We almost always find them, but not without substantial effort. In cases where they are not found, the Court will impose substantial sanctions and assume the missing evidence is favorable to you.

"To help avoid the mess, we've assembled a list of 12 things you should gather to ensure that you have all of critical information in hand before your spouse has a chance to conceal, transfer or sell items. These include obtaining:

"Copies of financial statements;
Copies of tax returns;
Copies of computer hard drives;
Copies of insurance policies;
Copies of wills and/or trusts;
Inventory of safety deposit boxes, with a witness;
Copies of deeds and/or titles to real property;
Copies of small business ledgers, financial journals, payroll, sales tax returns and expense account records;
Copies of appraisals for art, antiques, jewelry and collectibles;
Record the contents of each room in your home through video;
Copies of retirement account statements; and
Copies of your spouse's pay stubs for the last few months.

"Investing some time in gathering these items will ensure that your spouse cannot take advantage of you during the divorce process. The denial of the existence of an asset is a fraud upon the Court. Once your spouse knows that we have all of the key information in hand, they are far less likely to engage in bad faith conduct and [more likely to] be honest in their disclosures throughout the process."

I can't exaggerate the importance of taking time in advance and copying or gathering all these records. Much of your likelihood of success depends on the information you have. What you believe the facts to be is not nearly as important as what facts you can prove. Having these records will greatly improve your chances of proving the facts to your judge or convincing everyone in negotiations that you are correct and are prepared to try the case, if settlement fails. And that's the best position to be in.

7 Ways to Wreck Your Kids' Holidays

2009-12-12T21:38:00.000-08:00

Even with the bad economy, there's plenty to celebrate and enjoy this time of the year. But sometimes people are just miserable because of holiday stress and family issues. If you have children, this can be a great time of the year. If you have children and are divorced, this might still be a great time or it can be really difficult.

While you can (if you take responsibility and try) control your own feelings and attitudes, many people don't do it and let themselves get swept up in various holiday dramas. We can't control what an ex-spouse feels, says or does, and that sometimes leads to problems at this time of the year. On top of that, there's a natural feeling of disappointment when you can't be with your kids at certain times during the holidays.

Parents have a variety of attitudes about sharing or not sharing their kids, particularly around holidays. Their attitudes range from very considerate to insensitive to indifferent to the concerns of others, and even to being antagonistic toward others. Some people seem to thrive on conflict. Other people want to avoid conflict. If you're one of those who wants to avoid wrecking the holiday season, here are some quick tips on what you should avoid so you don't ruin it for yourself, your kids and other family members and friends.

What Not to Do:

Make last-minute changes in your plans. You can create more havoc and hard feelings if you try to change the arrangements after everyone else has their plans made and travel schedule booked. Ignoring the other parent's plans will certainly create a great opportunity for conflicting plans. Trying to be cooperative well in advance of the holidays is the best way to deal with planning.

Be inflexible if the other parent requests a change in the schedule. Things do come up that require new plans. Some parents insist on following the court's order without variation, when the other parent is asking for a favor. Such parents later inevitably have situations arise later that necessitate a change in the schedule. If they haven't been kind to their ex-spouse, they may not be able to convince that ex-spouse when the shoe's on the other foot.

Be inflexible and demanding if you request a change in plans. If you are working under a court-ordered schedule, you can change it by agreement or by going to court and convincing a judge. Which do you think is quicker and cheaper? If you think that you can always have your way on visitation issues, you will quickly learn otherwise.

Argue in front of the kids about the plans. Mature parents understand the need to keep kids out of adult issues. Arguing and negotiating a holiday schedule should not be done in front of the kids.

Short-change the kids, but blame the other parent. If you choose to not let the kids have or do a certain thing, such as attend a family party, don't blame your ex-spouse. If you are convinced that the decision is the right thing, then notify the kids in an age-appropriate way and don't criticize the other parent.

Criticize the other parent and the other side of the family. There are many times when a parent is very tempted to make fun of, or put down, the ex-spouse and his or her family. Some people even claim that such criticism is acceptable because it is "the truth". It's not necessary to investigate the truthfulness of the statements, because that's not the real issue. Even "truth" can be hurtful. The concern is that such critical statements are damaging to the children because they realize that they come half from each parent. They likely will take that criticism personally.

Compete against the former spouse for the love and affection of the kids. Don't try to provide the best gifts, the best parties or best trips. Children have plenty of love to share and there's just no need to wage a battle over the children.

What to do

Some people are interested in avoiding the drama and conflict during the holidays. If you are one of those, here's some things you can do to improve your chances of having a happy holiday season.

Keep a good relationship all throughout the year with your ex-spouse. You may have to hold your tongue occasionally, but the kids will respect you for it and you will have a better chance of getting any needed schedule adjustments or favors that you request.

Be flexible and be willing to compromise. There are two sides to everything. Keep in mind that you can accomplish more through cooperation than through battle. And your kids will appreciate a reasonable and realistic relationship between their parents.

Demonstrate mature behavior for kids. This will help your children learn to deal with adversity and it will help earn their respect.

Listen and think before you speak out. Don't just blurt out an emotional response in discussions with your ex-spouse. Take a deep breath, listen to what your ex is saying and then think through your response before you answer. It will help avoid a lot of hurt feelings.

Happy Holidays!

Be Careful What You Say, Text and Write!

2009-12-07T21:11:00.000-08:00

At the risk of bringing up a subject that many people are already tired of, the recent highly-publicized woes of a famous golfer clearly illustrate some of the issues I have written about before. As most people who have been paying attention are aware, Tiger Woods' predicament revolves around extra-marital relationships that appear to have been substantiated by his own texting and voice mails.

We will probably see and hear more in the coming weeks and months, but there has already been quite a bit of publicity about some text messages and voice mail. It's hard for Tiger to deny what's spoken, not just in his own words, but by his own mouth. When voice mails are saved, they can become evidence in court or in court cases. And the texting seems to add further proof.

Tiger's image and reputation are taking quite a hit and it looks like the controversy will end up costing him some of his endorsement income. There's a lot of money that is at stake.

I have previously written (here and here) about how emails, texts and voice mail can be and are used in court. It's powerful evidence.

The lesson is clear. Always remember that anything you write or say or do may be recorded and then presented in court. Make sure that you say and do appropriate things that you would not mind showing up in court or in the public media. Think before you speak or write.

Even if you are not Tiger Woods, there will always be people who will use your words and images against you, if you give them the opportunity. It's your decision. Think before you speak, write or act.

Five Quick Lessons from Tiger's Crash

2009-12-02T21:19:00.000-08:00

It is pretty hard to ignore the firestorm surrounding Tiger Woods, and I won't, but maybe we can all take some positives from his situation. Here are some lessons that we can all try to remember and apply if we ever get into a family crisis. I'm not here to defend one side or the other, or to determine exactly what the facts were. Instead, I suggest that we use this as an opportunity to learn and to think about how we might act if faced with any crisis.

Lesson 1: If you realize you are involved in a seriously escalating argument, leaving is often the best strategy. Let both sides cool off. Avoid physical contact or threats. Let a little time pass before you re-contact the person. If you leave, drive carefully.

Lesson 2: Apologies may help. A sincere acknowledgement of fault and request for forgiveness may help avoid escalation. It's not a free pass, but it can help minimize the damage.

Lesson 3: Practice forgiveness. If you think you are the victim, at some point you have to decide whether to wipe out a relationship or salvage it. You should think carefully about it. If you see reasons to continue a relationship, then you may need to be forgiving. That doesn't mean there are no consequences for bad behavior. It just means that there are limits to the consequences.

Lesson 4: Remember there are always at least two sides to every story and every argument. It's very rare that all the fault lies on one side of the issue. Be ready to accept some responsibility. It helps to try to put yourself in the other person's shoes for a while to try to understand their point of view.

Lesson 5: Think carefully before you start telling the world, or the local police or press about what is going on in your personal life. Even a dull story may become prominent on a slow news day. Think before you speak. No matter how bad the other person has been, you may gain more by keeping control over the dissemination of news. If it is a serious situation, it would be a good time to consult with an experienced lawyer for evaluation and advice. Don't try to do everything on your own. With all the new media outlets, news can spread unbelievably fast. Get some advice before you go public.

People in difficult relationships probably spent a lot of time thinking how they would react if they had been in a situation similar to the one faced by Tiger and his wife. If you might get caught up in something like that, it would be a good idea to try to think ahead to the various consequences of your behavior and to consider your options. Better safe than sorry!

If You Want to Settle Right Away...

2009-11-05T21:23:00.000-08:00

In about half my cases, my client is anxious to get the divorce over with as soon as possible. That may be true because of a new significant other, a desire for a fresh start, being tired of his/her spouse, or countless other reasons. Sometimes, a party to a divorce becomes so anxious to finish the divorce that they will concede almost everything. Even with that attitude, sometimes it's hard to move quickly to a conclusion. Many times, though, a party wants the divorce to be completed right away, but remains unrealistic about how to reach an agreement.

A recent post in the Alaska Divorce Blog discussed this situation and recounted some advice from a judge at a settlement conference. That advice is worth considering, so I am reproducing most of that post:

"• In order to reach a settlement in any type of dispute, each party must be willing to make concessions. To make concession means each party must be willing to give up something in order to attain something.

"• It is unreasonable to expect a party to settle for a property division, which represents their worst outcome at trial. It is unreasonable for a party to receive what represents their best outcome at trial.

"• If a case is not settled, then each party gives up all control over the outcome to the judge (a third party) who does not know either party and may view what is important in the case in way, which neither party anticipates.

"• If a case is not settled, then each party gives up the opportunity to get divorce immediately and faces what could be months of delay until the trial date and many more months until the judge finally has time to make a decision.

"The point the judge was trying to make is that to settle a case both sides have to be willing to give up something in exchange for getting something. In addition, even though the parties in a divorce case are dividing one 'pie', frequently, there are other issues involved than how much of the pie each of them will receive in the property division."

Lawyers try to get the best deal they can for their clients, but the clients must seriously prepare for negotiations by analyzing their own bargaining positions and the motivations of their spouse. It really helps if both parties can take their emotions out of the discussions and approach the sessions as a business deal. They have to be willing to concede some issues to the other side. There needs to be a spirit of give and take. Both parties ideally will come out feeling they each won on at least some points. As the judge indicated, a settlement is not likely where a party ends up with the worst possible outcome they might have experienced if they had gone to court.

Remember, both parties will be thinking, "What's in it for me?" Successful negotiators have a good answer for that question.

Tips for Saving Attorney's Fees

2009-10-20T21:56:00.000-07:00

Peggy Roston, who writes the Alaska Divorce Blog, recently had a brief post with some excellent common sense ways to cut down on attorney's fees. Most people going through a divorce or other family law issue are interested in conserving their funds and not over-spending for the attorneys. Here are Peggy's ideas:

"Divorce litigation is extremely expensive. Your attorney will charge you for the time he or she spends writing and responding to letters, emails, and motions. Some of the time your attorney has to spend on your case is unavoidable. But there are a few things that you can do to help your attorney handle your case in a cost-effective manner.

"• Communicate by e-mail rather than by telephone. Telephone calls tend to be more expensive because of the pleasantries exchanged before you and your attorney get down to business.

"• Keep your e-mails short and to the point. Your attorney may receive hundreds e-mails a day. If you keep your emails short and to the point, your attorney can respond quickly to the issue you have raised without having to wade through a lengthy email.

"• Organize your financial documents before you give them to your attorney. Parties in a divorce case must exchange tax returns, credit card statements, brokerage statements, bank statements, and personal property lists. Respond promptly to your attorney’s request for financial information. If you have personal or work time-constraints, I suggest you call your attorney to ask for a referral to a financial professional who can help you out. Having organized financial documents can save you hundreds or possibly thousands of dollars in attorney’s fees or paralegal fees and can keep your case moving forward."

In general, clients can save money by controlling their urge to call up their attorney to discuss every issue that comes up. It also helps to save money when clients take on as much of the preparation as they are competent to do. Gathering and organizing records is vitally important and can result in a signifcant saving of money.

Has anyone else come up with good ideas on how to save attorney's fees? Please send your comments with suggestions.

Responding to Provocation

2009-10-09T21:46:00.000-07:00

I have just run across a new (for me, at least) blog called the Fresh Start After Divorce Blog, run by the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, which had some really good, practical advice and inspiration for dealing with the transition from marriage to single person. Ellen Kellner wrote a recent post entitled "How NOT to React to Your Ex!" which I reprinted below. Her advice can work equally well for men or women.

"What is the cinching element to The Pro-Child Way? Mindfulness. It’s that moment where you stop reacting to your ex and let the stillness guide your heart. It’s the breath in, before you say something spiteful about your ex in front of your child. It’s the glance downward towards your child, before your eyes start rolling up in aggravation. Mindfulness is an opportunity – an opportunity that opens your awareness to choice.

"Mindfulness leads to the other way: the Pro-Child Way. Whereas another divorced-parenting path may have been previously obscured, mindfulness opens your eyes to other possibilities. Your challenge is to be aware that this other path exists and then recognize the opportunity before you pass right by it. Why bother? Because you have a child who needs to be considered.

"Thankfully, when it comes to divorce, we get many, many opportunities to practice mindfulness. If you’re lucky, your ex may be a jerk several times before noon – all lovely opportunities for mindfulness practice!

"After the first 'ex' incident, when you react with full divorced passion, do you find a moment when you think, 'hmmm, maybe I shouldn’t have said that.' If you do, grasp that moment: this is the call of mindfulness. Reaffirm that inkling, by saying, 'yes, I should have stopped before saying that.' And then move on, this isn’t about guilt trips!

"How much practice is it going to take to shorten the time between your ex’s provocation, and your realization that maybe you shouldn’t blurt out what’s on your mind? If you can come to that conclusion in an hour after the crime, why not in 10 minutes, or in 5 seconds? When you catch yourself reacting BEFORE you do it, not only will the angels sing, but also your ex’s mouth may drop. That’s when you can smile. That’s when you’re recognizing an opportunity for mindfulness.
So what’s next? Your ex just said something and you’re standing there smiling. Clearly, someone’s gotta do something next. This is the real beauty… you can choose! The possibilities are fun. In the flash of your smile your wonderful brain can create a zillion responses. As it discards the ones that will land you in jail, the more caring responses rise to the top. Slightly problematic are the times when the nurturing response is elusive. It happens. Here are two good standbys to have in your 'do' list:

"Do keep smiling, turn, and walk away from your ex.

"When you become better at multi-tasking, add vocal to the smile/turn/walk routine. Do sound 'hmmmm' then smile/turn/walk away.

"In your mindfulness, it’s much better to choose to say nothing than to react with an under-processed thought. It really doesn’t matter if your ex thinks you’ve lost it. It isn’t your ex’s opinion that matters anymore. Your child will benefit from your practice of mindfulness, and you will too. It’s from this point that you can start your journey down The Pro-Child Way."

A special thanks to my friend Sam Hasler of Sam Hasler's Indiana Divorce & Family Law Blog for the tip to read this blog. I agree with him that it is worth watching. I can recommend it to both women and men, despite the title. It won't help some people, but I can imagine a lot of men and women will feel better and more hopeful after reading some posts.

Top 10 Reasons a Premarital Agreement May be Invalid

2009-10-02T20:38:00.000-07:00

A topic that comes up periodically is prenuptial agreements. Sometimes people plan ahead, think through the issues and come up with appropriate agreements that actually benefit both parties, or at least don't take advantage of one of the parties. As helpful as they can be, most often we hear about them when a couple is splitting up and there will be a huge fight unless the prenuptial agreement is valid.

Stephen Worrall, who writes one of my favorite blogs, the Georgia Family Law Blog, had a recent post about that issue.

"FindLaw has a list of 10 reasons which may cause a prenuptial agreement to fail. For more details, check out the original post, but this is a list of those reasons:

No written agreement.
Not properly executed.
You were pressured.
You didn't read it.
No time for consideration.
Invalid provisions.
False information.
Incomplete information.
No independent counsel.
Unconscionability. "

If you are wanting to end up with an enforceable prenuptial agreement, make sure that the 10 problems are avoided. Taking shortcuts and rushing through the preparation and signing of the agreement will almost guarantee that it will be unenforceable. Clearly, this is something that you need a lawyer to work with you and another lawyer for your soon-to-be spouse. If you invest the time and money up front, you should save a lot more at the end, if there is one.

To Be or Not To Be (Divorced)

2009-09-28T19:47:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, someone decides to file for divorce after a long separation and discovers a big surprise. Shannon Cavers, who writes the always-interesting Houston Divorce & Family Law Blog, had a post about the situation last Spring. In her post, Shannon mentioned a couple who had been separated for 22 years. During that time, the wife bought a house. Because the marriage had not been legally ended by divorce, the house was technically a community property asset which would be divided by the court. The wife evidently thought it was unfair that she had to share some of her house equity with the husband she had not lived with for 22 years.

In California, and perhaps other states, the values of the community estate are set at the time of separation, but that's not the case in Texas. Here in Texas, the community estate can change right up to the date that a settlement agreement is signed or the court announces its decision.

I have seen separations of 2 or 5 or 10 or more years. In each case, there are issues of potential or perceived unfairness if the court just divides everything in existence at the time of the divorce, regardless of whether the items were acquired before or after separation. In those situations, the house and retirement accounts are usually the biggest assets, but there may be investments that have grown in value or someone could have won the Lottery. The community debt situation may have drastically changed, either increasing or decreasing. If your spouse runs up a lot of credit card debt between separation and the date of divorce, you may get stuck for some it.

What can be done to avoid an unhappy result? Here are a few ideas.

File for divorce when you separate. That's pretty obvious, but some people don't want to divorce for various reasons. Some people will stay married legally so that their spouse can keep insurance coverage. There may be other religious or moral or legal reasons to stay married.

Sign a partition agreement. The parties can divide their assets and liabilities and cover future assets, just like a pre-nuptial agreement sometimes does. A verbal agreement won't work and writing an informal agreement between the parties probably won't stand up, either. A properly drawn partition agreement will protect both parties, but they each need to have attorneys to advise and assist them.

Reach an agreement and rely on the honesty and dependability of your spouse. That's usually a bad idea.

My suggestion: Unless there's a need to keep the facade of a marriage, you should go ahead and get divorced. Both parties stand to lose if they just wait around.

A Recipe for Happiness?

2009-09-19T20:01:00.000-07:00

My premise is that, for many legitimate reasons, people going through divorces or dealing with other family law issues frequently are unhappy, stressed out and isolated. (How's that for a break through?) "Normal" may not be the technically correct term, but based on my experience in the field, I would say that it is normal for a litigant to be unhappy during a divorce or family law situation. That is true, from what I have seen, even in a Collaborative case, although usually to a much lesser degree. I feel sure that readers who have not been participants in a family law legal dispute have known or seen friends or family members going through the process and have observed the same unhappy state.

The traditional suggestions that lawyers make are either to "tough it out" or to get counseling. Some people refuse to get counseling because they don't want it on their medical records and don't want to be stigmatized as being crazy. That's somewhat understandable, but I have seen many cases where everyone (the judge, both attorneys, the other party and the kids, if there are any) would have been better off if one or both parties had gotten professional help. But, we generally can't force someone to get help. For the people who choose to get counseling, it can be a god send. But, it can be expensive and time consuming. There are lots of reasons/excuses for not following through with counseling.

So here's a thought coming out of left field. Try becoming active in the social media. There's no guarantee that this will work, but I read an interesting article by Warren Sukemek about happiness and social media and I think it's worth a try. He didn't write about it in the context of litigation, but this seems logical to me. Set up pages with Facebook and Twitter (or other social media sites) if you haven't already. It's very easy to sign up with both. Become a "friend" with an ever-widening circle and "follow" a large group of interesting people. The connections or re-connections you make may help you feel happier. If you're not sure what Facebook and Twitter are, do a Google search on the terms and read up. Then join. I am not a techie and I found it very easy. You can, too.

A word of caution: Think before you write. Your spouse/other litigant and his/her attorney may be able to see your comments. If you join and participate in social networks, what you write and what pictures you post will be in public view. Be careful that you don't say or do something you might regret later, even if you enjoyed saying or doing it at the time. I have posted on the topic before. You should assume that anything you write or show on the web will be shown in court to a judge or jury. Will it look good for you or hurt you? Think before you act.

Facebook and Twitter are only two of many different on line communities you can join and enjoy. Look around and start to make some friends and connections. Besides emotional support, you may get help with a new career or training or products you need. If nothing else, the social media can be entertaining. Enjoy it, but use discretion!

Who Gets the Tax Exemption for the Kids?

2009-09-10T20:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, one of the biggest points of contention in a divorce is something the state court has no real power to decide. That's the right to claim the federal income tax exemption for the children. The basic rule is that whichever parent has primary custody of the children gets to claim use the tax exemption. When the parents are designated as Joint Managing Conservators, they sometimes want to argue over the right to claim the exemption.

The Dallas Divorce Law Blog by the May Firm had an excellent, brief post that discussed the issue that came up in a recent Dallas Court of Appeals case. The Court again made clear the following points: (1) state courts have no authority to rule on federal tax matters, (2) the parent with primary custody gets the exemption, and (3) primary custody may be determined by figuring out which parent has more time with the children.

Figuring out who has the kids more can be pretty tricky sometimes, depending on what the possession schedule is. Now, there are a lot of different kinds of schedules. If both parents have the kids for alternate weeks, they could have very nearly equal time. The only difference might come in the holidays. Other schedules appear to have equal time sharing and present a similar problem.

What can be done? (1) You can go through the schedule and count the days or hours to determine the "winner". (2) You could agree to alternate years with the exemption. (3) If there are several kids, you can split the exemptions between the parents. (4) If there is a disparity of income, you could get someone to calculate the actual impact of the use of the exemptions for both parties and then make a rational agreement to maximize the benefit. (5) One parent could pay a sum to the other parent for the right to take the exemption. (6) You could both claim the exemptions and then sort it out with the IRS when they catch it -- THAT's the worst idea. Don't let it go that far. It's not worth it!

There are undoubtedly other solutions. The key to remember is to reach an agreement. Use your best judgment and reach some compromise agreement. It will save everyone money in the long run.

Don't Let Your Words Come Back to Haunt You

2009-09-02T19:43:00.000-07:00

This post could be called "Think Before You Hang Yourself" or "Pause Before You Put Your Foot in Your Mouth." Peggy Roston, who writes the Alaska Divorce Blog, recently had an excellent post on a topic that seems to need repeating frequently -- the damage your statements, written or oral, can make. She talks about custody cases, but it is also true in just property cases or where there are non-custody kid issues. Judges have a lot discretion in making decisions. When you leave written or recorded evidence that puts you in a bad light, that can hurt you when the judge has to choose between your request and your spouse's request.

You may also have a spouse or ex-spouse who somehow always manages to appear or sound nicer than he or she is in real life. Unfortunately, the judge bases a decision on the evidence brought in before him or her. You want to be sure to avoid creating unflattering evidence about yourself. Here's what Peggy wrote:

"If you are involved in a custody case, you should assume that each text message and email you send to your spouse and each voice message you leave for your spouse will find its way into the file of your spouse’s attorney. If your case goes to trial, you can expect to see text messages, emails, and transcripts of voice messages marked as trial exhibits and used against you at trial. Likewise, your attorney will certainly use damaging text messages, emails and transcripts against your spouse at trial.

"So do yourself and your attorney a favor. Before you hit the send button, you should pause for a second and read over what you have just written to your spouse. Does your email/text message make accusations against your spouse? If so, you had better delete those accusations. Does your email/text message disparage, blame or belittle your spouse? If so, take the negative comments out of the email.

"Sending derisive emails or text messages might make you feel better for the moment. But they can seriously damage your custody case if they become evidence that you are not capable of promoting a good relationship between your children and the other parent."

Keep in mind that the judge will probably not have the whole context available when viewing or hearing derogatory messages. The other attorney will certainly try to use your words against you. Think, before you write or talk. You'll benefit in the long run.

How to Find Hidden Assets -- Part 3

2009-08-29T15:37:00.000-07:00

This is part 3 of an excellent article written by Warren R. Shiell in the Los Angeles Divorce and Family Law Blog with tips about how to find hidden assets. Tax returns were listed with some supporting schedules in the 2nd part of this post. The list below includes a variety of other items that may contain the "smoking gun" proving assets have been hidden.

"10. Safe Deposit Box Activity - Banks maintains safe deposit box records indicating when and who accessed the safe deposit box. These records will not indicate contents of a box or what, if anything, has been removed. If the first spouse was aware of the contents at the point when the records indicate the second spouse opened the box and something is now missing, he or she has a pretty good idea of who took it. This information can be subpoenaed.

"11. Cash Transactions and In Kind Compensation - One spouse may be a physician or a shopkeeper, or in some other work where cash is paid, or he or she may receive in-kind compensation, where something of value – other than cash – is given in exchange for services. Such cash payments or non-cash items are rarely reported on the income-tax return, but if you know of such income in the past and can subpoena current information, it will help in proving available income in excess of that shown on the income-tax returns. If one spouse buys things of substantial value with cash, there is probably a source of cash income somewhere. Most people do not retain cash in a non-interest bearing form unless they are hiding the source of the cash.

"12. Children’s Bank Accounts - Frequently, a spouse who wishes to hide money will open a custodial account in the name of a child. Deposits and withdrawals are made without any intent that the child has use of the account except in case of the spouse’s death. The interest from these accounts is not shown on income-tax returns, nor are returns filed for the children.

"13. Personal Knowledge of Spouse’s Habits - One of the most useful discovery tools is personal knowledge of the spouse’s habits with money. People who are attempting to hide money very seldom do so without making some form of written note so they can have a personal account of what they have done. When things are going well in a marriage, the spouse may tell the other spouse about such records, but you can be sure they will disappear in a case of divorce. The more secretive a person is, the more detailed such notes are likely to be. If a spouse has neglected to declare income to the IRS, the knowledge of hidden income or assets may prove to be a powerful leverage factor in reaching a satisfactory settlement. Be careful you cannot threaten to turn someone in or threaten any legal process to negotiate a better financial settlement that would be a criminal act – extortion.

"14. Phone Income Tax Returns - When the divorce has been filed, some spouses are inclined to alter the copies of their previously filed income tax returns to hide or adjust pertinent financial information. It is always a good idea to ask for copies of jointly filed returns directly from the Internal Revenue Service on Form 4506-T.

"15. Phony Loans or Debts - To keep cash from being divided, a spouse may sometimes attempt to bury the money with a phony loan to a cooperative friend or relative. The loan may be tied up with a long-term note or with a claimed likelihood of not being collectible so as to remove this money from consideration at settlement time. The other spouse, who was never aware of the debt, of course did not sign the note, because it probably came into existence after the divorce proceedings commenced. Sudden payment of debts to out-of-state creditors who are not available for deposition is usually a sign that the debt is a phony.

"16. 'Friends' or Other Phonies on the Payroll - If one spouse is in a position to control the payroll of a sole proprietorship, partnership, or closely held corporation, he or she may be paying salaries to a friend or relative who is not actually providing services commensurate with the compensation. The friend on the payroll may be stashing the money away or they may both be enjoying it. In either case, the profit of the enterprise will be reduced accordingly and your spouse may be drawing a lesser salary. The same ploy can be used for payment to phony independent contractors.

"17. Retirement Plan Abuse - If one spouse has established a pension or profit-sharing plan in connection with a closely held corporation, the plan should be carefully reviewed to determine whether monies that have been contributed to the account are being invested in accordance with the plan requirements. Very often, deductions will be taken for contributions to such plans, and then the money is used for personal living expenses or taken out as loans, which are never repaid.

"18. Defined Benefit Pension Plans - Defined-benefit pension plans are distinguished from defined-contribution plans by the fact that the benefits payable at retirement age are specified within the plan itself rather than by some contribution formula. The amount of the benefits then must be actuarially calculated, based on the age of the intended beneficiary and the point at which benefits are to be paid. A great deal of income can be buried by substantial payments into such a plan during the years preceding or during divorce litigation. The required payments could be a substantial part of the employee-spouse’s income, if that is what is required to achieve the defined goal at retirement. This, of course, leaves little money available for support or division as marital property. Once the divorce is completed, the defined-benefit plan can be discarded, even though a substantial tax loss may result.

"19. Estate, Gift and Inheritance Tax Returns - Much useful information is available from inheritance, estate, or gift-tax returns of relatives you believe have been generous to the spouse. If these returns show that there were substantial gifts or bequests that have not been accounted for in the settlement negotiations, you are alerted that other assets could also be hidden. A tracing will have to be made from the estate’s distribution to see what has happened to the assets."

Obviously, there may be clues to misconduct in a wide variety of contexts. Using the list here, and the prior lists and sources, you can have a good chance of proving that assets are hidden or missing. That should improve your chances of receiving an appropriate share of the assets and you may have the opportunity to shine the spotlight on your spouse's bad behavior. Most judges will get really upset if/when they become convinced someone has been dishonest to them and to the court system.

How to Find Hidden Assets -- Part 2

2009-08-22T16:22:00.000-07:00

This is part 2 of an excellent article written by Warren R. Shiell in the Los Angeles Divorce and Family Law Blog with tips about how to find hidden assets. As mentioned before, it is not unusual to suspect (often correctly) that some assets are not being disclosed. Sometimes, there are clues that an attorney or other layman can find, but other times, it is necessary to bring in an expert forensic accountant to uncover various assets. The following section of the original post by Warren R. Shiell has suggestions about some of the types of financial records that can produce evidence or clues about undisclosed assets.

"The following checklist of research items may assist in determining the whereabouts of hidden assets or if, in fact, they exist at all:

"1. Financial Statements – Any loans from lending institutions require sworn financial statements to be filled out. In most cases, the borrower is trying to impress the lending institution with the extent of assets and may exaggerate these. Looking back five years or so at these statements may put you on the trail of assets which are now unaccounted for, or which show valuations substantially greater than what is now claimed.

"2. Personal Income Tax Returns – A review of personal Federal and State income tax returns and attached schedules filed during the past five years may indicate sources of interest or dividends. The returns may also reveal unknown sources of income or loss from trusts, partnerships, or real estate holdings. You should also review W2’s, 1099’s, 1098’s and K1’s.

"3. Corporate Income Tax Returns – If one spouse is the principal owner of a closely held corporation the corporate tax returns should be reviewed for the following: a. He or she may be manipulating his or her salary by taking less pay and then taking loans from the corporation to make up the shortage. He or she may be charging personal expenses to corporate accounts, which will later be reimbursed or charged to the officer’s loan account.c. Corporate returns should also be reviewed for excessive or unnecessary retained earnings (undistributed profits). These may be disguise available profit distributions or an artificially low salary level.d. Reimbursement of prior capital contributions or repayments of loans to the corporation may also provide hidden cash flow to your spouse.

"4. Partnership Income Tax Returns - Reviewing several years of partnership income tax returns (IRS Form 1065) may reveal sudden changes in the partnership interest or distributions. Such changes often occur at the time of a divorce and then compensating adjustments are made after the divorce is completed.

"5. Canceled Checks and Check Registers from Personal, Partnership, and Corporate Accounts - While time-consuming, it is always revealing to go over all the canceled checks and bank statements from personal accounts for the past few years, and post the expenditures to different columns under utilities, entertainment, loan payments, and so on. You will learn the amount of total expenditures per year, which sometimes exceeds income, and you will have a better feeling for cost of living and where budget cuts should be made. In terms of hidden assets, you may come across canceled checks for the purchase of property, which you never knew, existed. It is important to check off the canceled checks against the appropriate bank statement to make sure that you have all of the canceled checks. It is possible that certain checks were removed before they were delivered to you. For larger amounts deposits and withdrawals you should review the back and the front of the checks.

"6. Savings Account Passbooks - Acquire the passbooks for any savings accounts open during the past five years or more. Look for any deposits or withdrawals that are unusual in amount, or in pattern. A monthly withdrawal or deposit of money in the same odd amount may reflect mortgage payments or income receipts from sources that you are not aware of.

"7. Security or Commodity Account Statements - If one spouse has been buying and selling stocks or bonds or dealing in commodities, the broker with whom he or she trades furnishes monthly or quarterly statements indicating all transactions. A review of these statements going back a few years could reveal the existence of securities of which there was no knowledge or could raise questions as to the disposition of the sale proceeds. Cross checking securities transactions and bank accounts by date and amount will usually verify the source or disposition of the monies involved. If the securities are sold and the proceeds are unaccounted for, you can be sure the money is out there somewhere.

"8. Expense Accounts - Very often, a corporate employer will allow employees a great deal of leeway in their expense account reporting. A spouse may take advantage of this by exaggerating or even falsifying business expenditures. The employer maintains records as to expense account disbursements to the employee over the year with monthly detail. A check of these records will indicate the extent to which the employee is able to “live off” the expense account.

"9. Deferred Salary Increase, Uncollected Bonus, or Commissions - You should always determine whether a salary increase is overdue, when it will be forthcoming, and how much it is. Employers are sometimes sympathetic to their divorcing employees and willing to bend the rules slightly to defer salary increases, bonuses, or commissions in order to suppress apparent income. Ultimately, these increases, bonuses, or commissions must be paid to keep the corporate books straight, and the employer will rarely lie when put under oath or forced to make a written statement on the subject. Sympathy goes just so far."

By carefully looking at the above sources, you may be able to uncover substantial assets that the other party may be trying to hide. Sometimes, things are just accidentally overlooked, such as a bank account that is inactive. Most of the time, however, during a divorce, it is very unlikely that an unrevealed asset was accidentally overlooked. Follow your intuition and you may find your pot of gold.

How to Find Hidden Assets -- Part 1

2009-08-15T15:34:00.000-07:00

This is the first part of an excellent, extended post in the Los Angeles Divorce and Family Law Blog by Warren T. Shiell, from July 5, 2009. He wrote a thorough review of how assets are hidden and how they may be found. His post gives very practical tips for effectively searching for hidden assets. I have broken his long post into three parts for the reader's convenience. Here's the first section of his post.

"The divorce process is a time of distrust for each spouse, and right or wrong, each may accuse the other of hiding assets.

"Assets are traditionally hidden in one of four ways:

The person denies the existence of an asset.

Assets are transferred to a third party.

The person claims the asset was lost or dissipated.

Creation of false debt.

"Tax returns are the first place to look to discover hidden assets. It is a good idea to look at tax returns for the past five years. By reviewing the tax returns you may discover assets that you had no knowledge of or that were not disclosed by your spouse. The first two pages of a tax return can serve as a 'table of contents,' because they list the forms and schedules that are attached to the return.Important forms to review include:

"Schedule A – Itemized Deductions. May help identify unlisted assets or sources of income. For example property taxes may reveal real property or a boat that one spouse does not know exists; and gambling losses would reveal that there are gambling winnings.

"Schedule B – Interest and Ordinary Dividends. This identifies the assets and investments generating interest and dividends. However some interest generating accounts may be non-taxable and may not be listed.

"Schedule C – Profit of Loss From Business. This form may be a place to hide assets or income. For example, depreciation for real estate is generally not a cash outflow and it is added back to net income to determine the actual income. The depreciation schedule may also reveal additional assets in the business.

"Schedule D – Capital Gains and Losses. This form is used to reports gains and losses from stocks, bonds, and real estate.

"Schedule E – Supplemental Income and Loss. This form is used to report income from rental properties, royalties and partnership and s-corporation income. Depreciation should be examined to determine whether this is an expense that should be added back to income.

"Form 1065 is used to report partnership income

"Form 1120 and 1120S are used to report corporate income

"Form 2441 claims child-care expenses. Both federal and state income tax returns, 1099s and W2s, as well as amended returns need to be reviewed.In the course of discovery (sharing documents and financial information with the opposing side), most spouses believe that their counterpart has somehow hidden or failed to disclose the existence of certain assets."

It's an unfortunate fact of life that people are sometimes dishonest as they go through a divorce. (How's that for an understatement?) The list above gives you some paperwork to gather to examine so you or your expert can try to find any missing assets. Fortunately, there is often a paper trail, if you can recognize it. Using an expert to examine the records is usually an excellent investment. If you are able to establish that your spouse is cheating and hiding money, you will be in a much stronger position to get a better settlement or a better decision after a trial.

The next two sections of the post to help you find hidden assets will follow shortly.

Divorce and Social Networking - New Rules

2009-08-11T21:12:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago, Daniel Clement posted a nice article with suggestions about how to stay out of trouble during a divorce when you participate in social networking. Here's what he had to say:

"Remember the YouTube spectacle of Tricia Walsh Smith who publicly humiliated her husband and, ultimately, herself. In the age of social networking, new rules of apply to couples going through divorce. The rules, as compiled by Time, can succinctly be boiled to one- 'Discretion is the better of valor.'

[Here are the rules.]

"1. Don’t brag.
Your claims of poverty will ring hollow if you brag on Facebook about your purchases of expensive items or post photographs of lavish vacations.

"2. Keep the party off-line
Sure you may want to let off some steam, but if you are engaged in a custody fight, the pictures of you holding a bong in one hand and a half empty bottle of “Jack” in the other are not going to win you points with the judge. They probably are not going to be too helpful when lecturing your kids about sobriety or on your next job interview.

"3. Guilt by association.You are who you hang out with. See Rule No 2.

"4. Keep the details of the divorce private.
Don’t fuel the fire with comments and criticisms on the internet. No one likes their spouse’s divorce attorney or the judge after an unfavorable ruling. But remember, the judge is going to make many rulings in the course of a case- some you will win, others you will lose. Do you really want the judge to rule on your case after you publicly criticized him or her?

"5. Don’t Defriend.
As Time points out, unless it is high conflict, 'Don't "defriend" in-laws or your ex's friends right away. People need time to adjust.'"

This should be a good reminder to everyone enjoying social networking while they go through a divorce. As I discussed in a previous post on July 2, 2009, social media are becoming more common-place and are also become a major source of information for interested people. Pictures, statements, profile details and other information that appear in media, such as Facebook, can show up in court and can be very embarrassing, or worse.

And, it's not just your site that you need to be concerned about. If you have friends who take your picture and then post it on a page, or who write about what you and s/he did or what s/he saw, you may have some "splainin" to do. And it may turn into testimony in court. Following the above rules should help everyone to be more careful about their involvement in social media.

When is the Best Time to File?

2009-08-01T13:16:00.000-07:00

Some people say, "It's all in the timing." (Others may say that it's all in the location -- but that's really a different topic!) Timing can make a huge difference in a lot of things in life. One of the most obvious is in financial matters. Investing or selling at the right time can put you in a solid financial position. For example, if I had bought American Airlines stock a few years ago when it was under a $1.00 a share because there was a very real possibility of filing for bankruptcy, and I kept it, even now there would be a nice profit. Likewise, getting out of the market at the right time can ensure a much better position compared to the person who held on to the stock just a day too long.

Apparently, some people have brought the timing issue into the divorce arena. According to the Miami Herald, some attorneys are advising their male clients to file for divorce now while their net worth is low. The idea is that they will have to give their wife less assets now than they would otherwise if the market were up. I understand the logic in that, but I still have some problems with that thinking.

1. The proportions are the same, even if the amounts are different. While it is true that the total amount paid to the spouse in settlement may be less than it would be if the economy were better, the property division should still be in a very similar proportion between the parties as it would be in better economic times. Is a $600,000 -- $400,000 split really a lot better than a $900,000 -- $600,000 since they are both 60-40 splits? Both parties would end up with less than they might in a better economy.

2. It is usually pretty easy to stall and delay in a divorce. The courts are often backed up, which means it will probably take a long time to get to court unless there's an agreement. Faced with a long wait to get to court, many of the wealthier spouses will sweeten the pot to get an earlier deal done. Or, the delay may be long enough for the economy to start to recover.

3. Other financial circumstances could also change that would affect the property division. If one or both parties lose their jobs, or if a company goes broke, that could completely change the situation. If one spouse has been a stay-at-home parent and now has to look for a job, but the economy is failing, that may create the need for lengthy spousal support (alimony).

4. Sometimes, it is the wife who has the more significant investments. She might make the same assumptions and conclusions, and then her husband could be the one losing out.

The bottom line: My suggestion is that if someone wants or needs to be divorced, they shouldn't wait around for the stock market to hit bottom or to reach the top, and they shouldn't rush into a divorce just to save on the pay out. The finances are always an issue, but other personal issues should be primary. Don't let the property division dominate your thinking to the point that you ignore or downplay the other personal issues in the marriage.

Thanks to Tim Evans of the Hattiesburg Divorce Lawyer blog who had a recent post about this topic which had the reference to the Miami Herald article (I don't normally keep up with Miami news). Tim's blog is well worth regular reading.

What if the Other Parent is Irresponsible?

2009-07-28T09:21:00.000-07:00

I recently saw a report in the American Bar Journal online about a Georgia court case where the issue was whether a father could allow his children to be around his gay and lesbian friends. Apparently, the divorce trial court had issued a ruling preventing the father from letting gay and lesbian friends be around his kids. Apparently, there was no evidence introduced in court that the friends had acted inappropriately in front of the children.

I am not aware of a similar case arising in Texas, but I would assume that the Texas courts would probably reach a similar result. Regardless of whether the issue was about different sexual orientation, race, age, religion or some other factor, it should normally come down to whether there is evidence that something improper has occurred. If there is just a potential for problems, it is not likely that a judge would impose restrictions about who can be around children. If something happened, but no one was injured by some event or activity, there's probably not sufficient evidence to support restrictions.

It can be very frustrating when the other parent seems to be irresponsible or potentially endangering children, but that is not sufficient to support restrictions on the other parent. As bad as it sounds, the courts almost require someone to be hurt before they will intervene. If you have a situation that creates concerns about your children's health or safety, you should discuss them with your attorney. You may not be able to directly impose restrictions at that point, no matter how concerned you are or how reasonable and logical your fears are, but there may be some things you can do to help. Here are some ideas:

1. Discuss the situation with your ex. Don't overlook the obvious, direct solution. But, since you may not have any real leverage, you need to work on being diplomatic and conciliatory, no matter how hard that may be for you. It is certainly cheaper, faster and more effective if you can do something by agreement. There is also less chance of drawing the children into the middle of the dispute. Of course, you will probably be dealing with an emotional issue, so that will make it harder to be "nice". You can get some ideas from your attorney or a counselor to help you plan your approaches for the discussion.

2. Request that you and your ex meet with a counselor to discuss the issues. Hopefully, a few sessions will make it possible to come to an agreement in a safe atmosphere.

3. Here, in Tarrant County, Texas, you can contact Family Court Services at the courthouse and set up a meeting with an Access Facilitator. A Facilitator is a specially trained social worker who helps the parties meet and work out differences in how to raise children and share time with their children. Good News -- they are not only qualified, experienced social workers, but they are FREE!

4. Go to a mediator. This can be done with or without attorneys. You and your ex can split the mediator's fee. If one side uses an attorney, the other party should also bring an attorney to equalize the negotiations. Mediators have a very high success rate, so they are an excellent option.

5. Hire an attorney and go to court. This is the most expensive choice, but could be necessary if your ex is uncooperative.

6. Try using Collaborative Law. Both sides would have to agree to use the process, if it is to be used. Your ex might agree to it to keep the matter private, to get expert help or to be able to deal with the issue on his/her own schedule, instead of a court's schedule. The main point to keep in mind is that both parties would need to utilize attorneys trained in Collaborative Law, so you should ask about that when you are hiring an attorney. Using the process may minimize the damage to the relationships between the parties, which is important for the children.

There are obviously many different ways to approach an issue about the children. What you should not do is just get angry, start accusing your ex of misbehavior and being making demands. You will almost never be in position to solely determine the outcome, and such an approach will almost guarantee an expensive, ugly and protracted battle. Why do that when you have other effective options?

(I want to give credit and thanks to Nancy Van Tine of the Massachusetts Divorce Law Monitor blog for referencing the ABA story. She also has an excellent blog that is worth regular viewing.)

Why Does it Take So Long?

2009-07-23T21:36:00.000-07:00

For at least half of the parties, and often for both, one of the biggest annoyances of the divorce experience is how long it takes. Going through the process, the parties often become very frustrated. Divorces are rarely smooth, completely agreeable transactions. In virtually every case, even when both parties want the divorce and both parties are mature, respectful and cooperative, there will be stages when progress seems non-existent. Why, you may ask, is that the case? There are many reasons for delay, not even including the common supposition that an attorney is neglecting the case. While that sometimes occurs, delay is more often the result of one of the following factors:

1. Local rules. In Tarrant County (and most other counties in Texas and elsewhere), divorce and family law attorneys must follow local court rules in court cases. The rules may require certain steps to be followed and certain amounts of time for notice. They may permit cases to be postponed if short notice has been provided. There are delays for notice that are built in to the process so that everyone can have an adequate amount of time to prepare. For example, it is very common in Tarrant County for a first setting temporary hearing to be postponed if the Respondent has not had time to hire an attorney or if Respondent's attorney did not have time to prepare for court. Rules of evidence that affect whether certain information can be introduced into court sometimes provide for set periods of delay for notice to the other party to give them an opportunity to object to the evidence.

2. There is often a scheduling order which must be followed. Fairly early in a case's journey in the court system, it will likely be the subject of a scheduling order under the direction of the court. It will set up deadlines for all the actions needed to get the case ready for trial. Even though few cases ever go to trial, most cases proceed under a scheduling order. The parties generally schedule their actions according to the scheduling order and that may appear to slow down the case, from the perspective of the litigants. From the attorneys' perspective, they stay right on schedule and they do not consider themselves slow or behind schedule when they are following the scheduling order.

3. A difficult other side. This can be a serious problem that affects timing. If the other side chooses to be slow, that is hard to overcome. If the other side chooses to do as many things as possible, to "punish" or wear down the other side, they can often get away with it. I have seen an attorney create delays by fighting over everything while complaining that the other side is delaying. Simply a lack of cooperation by one side can cause significant delays.

4. Sometimes, a case gets postponed by the court and it's neither side's fault. Court often schedule more than one case at the same time. If one of the cases starts a hearing and takes a long time, that may bump the other cases to a later time. It's also true that a trial or hearing will carry over from a previous day and cause a chain reaction of delays with subsequent cases.

5. Some delays come when the parties are waiting for a ruling after a court hearing. Many courts routinely take several hours or days to issue decisions. A few courts may sit on a decision for months. It's frustrating, but there's not much that can be done to get the court to move faster. An attorney doesn't want to push too much for fear of getting the judge mad and then having the judge take out the anger on the client.

6. Occasionally, there may be scheduling conflicts with one or both of the attorneys in the case. Attorneys usually try to avoid such situations, but sometimes they occur.

What can be done? The best thing to do is to talk with your attorney. Make sure the attorney knows if there are any special circumstance that require a speedy conclusion. If you think there has been too much delay, discuss that with your attorney and find out if s/he agrees with you. Your attorney may be able to give you a valuable perspective that can relieve some of the stress you are feeling. Or the attorney may be able to help you devise a settlement strategy that will end the divorce sooner. The main thing is to act. Don't just sit around and stew about the situation. Divorces are stressful enough without adding unnecessary or unsolvable issues to your burden. Don't keep it in -- let it out to your attorney, before it overwhelms you!

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2009-07-16T20:04:00.001-07:00

twibs - DickPrice on Twitter - The Price Law Firm: Fort Worth Board Certified family law/Collaborative attorney,

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Why Is There No Free Consultation?

2009-07-09T21:32:00.000-07:00

One of the first questions we often hear when a prospective client calls us is, "Do you have a free consultation?" It's a fair question and an important one. Some potential clients assume that they will be paying a fee for their initial visit with an attorney, but others think they should not begin to pay until they have actually hired an attorney. On the other side of the room, some attorneys believe in charging for every conference with a client or potential client, while other attorneys want to encourage people to come see them, so they provide free initial conferences.

Some attorneys choose a middle ground and charge a reduced fee for the initial meeting. Many of them believe charging even a small fee will weed out the non-serious potential clients who are looking for feedback, ideas or affirmation that they are right, without having incurred any cost for the information or support.

For potential clients who have trouble understanding why they should be charged for the initial time they visit with an attorney, here are some explanations some attorneys use.

For the attorneys who charge by the hour, time is money. They keep their business open by charging for the time they spend working in some fashion on the client's problems. Real information is provided in real time to the client. For the attorney, the service provided is essentially the same type of service they will be providing once they are hired: listen, ask questions, determine needs or goals, gather information, analyze, strategize and create plans.

Other professionals routinely charge for their time and services at an initial assessment. This includes doctors, mechanics and electricians (just to name a few). The time and skills of the professionals are being applied to the problems at hand.

For the attorneys who practice what is called value pricing, or use flat fees, they focus on the valuable information, forms and other paperwork they may provide the client. They also add value by listening and counseling with the client. Here is an example on the higher end of service and a corresponding higher fee: There is an attorney in Calgary, Canada who has developed an excellent product for the initial conference. He spends as long as the client wants, usually 2 to 3 hours, records the session and provides a copy of the recording, and produces a customized approach to the client's issues. Other attorneys provide a less robust experience, but nevertheless provide excellent value to the client just by doing the same things some attorneys do as they charge by the hour.

In addition, when an attorney meets with a prospective client, the attorney becomes immediately disqualified from representing the spouse. That can result in a loss of income for the attorney.

Another consideration is that the attorney is unable to work on other clients' business when they are attending an initial meeting with a potential new client. That means less income for the attorney and no progress on the other client's issues. Even if it only delays the work, the delay can become a problem for the client and then the attorney. Most clients prefer not to be put on the back burner. They want their matter resolved NOW!

Although we are often told that other Fort Worth or Tarrant County divorce and family law attorneys provide a free initial consultation, we choose not to do so. If the client prefers a free initial meeting, then we encourage them to visit one of the free ones. There's no hard feelings on our end. For a beneficial attorney-client relationship to exist, there must be good chemistry and at least some shared values. If there is disagreement between attorney and client on the fee issue from the outset, then the relationship is not going to work out. It is best for the client to find an attorney whose approach to the case is as consistent as possible with the client's approach.

In addition, busier attorneys will charge for the consultation. To not charge for the consultation would subject the attorneys to spending a lot of uncompensated time with the new client. Again, that prevents the attorney from being able to do significant work on other cases.

Conclusion: The fact that an attorney chooses to charge for all initial consultations does not mean that a client is "wrong" for wanting a free consultation. The attorney isn't "wrong" either. There are other attorneys who will provide a free initial consult. The solution is to match up the clients who want a free interview with the attorneys who want to provide them. The way to do that is for the potential client to raise the issue when the initial consultation is being set up. Just speak up and discuss the issue up front.

The Increasing Role of Social Media in Family Law Cases

2009-07-02T14:30:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite blogs is the Georgia Family Law Blog by Stephen Worrall. He has just posted a very timely article that is based on a post in the DaniWeb blog. It is about the increasing role of social media in family law cases. In case you aren't exactly sure what "social media" is, it is a term that includes an ever increasing group of web sites and programs that can be joined. It is a way of communicating freely and easily with member of a group who has signed up. Some sites limit access in various ways and others don't. Social media includes such things as My Space, FaceBook, LinkedIn, Plaxo, Twitter, Classmates and others. They can be easily found and accessed on the Internet. Here is Stephen's post:

"It's been known for a while that current and potential future employers look at people's profiles on social networking sites such as FaceBook. And it's also been known that people are using social networking sites to announce the status of their relationship -- or lack of one. Now the two uses are getting together, with divorce attorneys mining social networking sites for evidence supporting their clients.

"'Lawyers, however, love these sites, which can be evidentiary gold mines,' said a recent article in Time. 'Did your husband's new girlfriend Twitter about getting a piece of jewelry? The court might regard that as marital assets being disbursed to a third party. Did your wife tell the court she's incapable of getting a job? Then your lawyer should ask why she's pursuing job interviews through LinkedIn.' One attorney quoted in the article said such research is 'routine.'

"In addition, exes are posting information about their formers -- such as an estranged wife emailing 'friends' of the spouse the additional information that he was married with children, which he had neglected to include in his FaceBook profile. Such messages on a social-networking site can even be part of a harassment campaign that led to the court's issuing a civil order of protection, one attorney said."

There are many different uses for the social media in a family law case. Fort Worth/Tarrant County divorce lawyers may be looking into someone's relationships in various ways through social media. In addition, witnesses can be researched the same way to find out who they associate with and to capture statements and pictures they have published. This is a tool that is really not very difficult or technical to use, which can lead to some very damaging or beneficial information. Everyone should be very careful about what they permit to be written or pictured, especially if there is any litigation threatened or in progress.

Note: As always, think and be cautious about anything you put in writing, including in emails or text messages. All communications are potential evidence in court.

Toward a Better Father's Day

2009-06-18T11:04:00.000-07:00

Too often, parents get into competitions over the kids, and that's usually not a good thing. If you want to be well-remembered as a parent, maybe you should consider treating the other parent nicer and doing what you can to encourage a close parent-child relationship with both parents.

1. Enable and encourage the kids to have regular contact with the other parent. In addition to personal visits, phone calls, texting or computer contacts, initiated by the kids would really be good.

2. Demonstrate a good relationship (if possible) with the other parent. At least be civil. Keep in mind that the kids understand they are part you and part the other parent. They may see you being mean to the other parent as you being mean to them.

3. Help kids learn to show their feelings for the other parent. Help them find gifts, buy or make cards, etc. Encourage the kids to spend some time with their other parent.

4. Help the kids to remember holidays, birthdays and family occasions with the other parent. Kids may not know what to do when they're young, so they need some guidance. When they are older, they may just not think about these events. You can help everyone by talking with your kids about the events and reminding them so they can participate.

Note: All this works equally well for both parents. Moms and Dads should work together to encourage the kids to look forward to various personal and family occasions. Father's Day is coming up, but helping kids stay in contact with both parents is a year-round job. Do your kids a favor and teach them good ways to stay in touch with their extended family.

Do You Really Want a Mean Lawyer?

2009-06-11T10:28:00.000-07:00

Over the years, a number of prospective clients have asked about how mean a lawyer I can be. I used to tell them that I could be as mean as I needed to be. Now, I prefer to discuss some other, related issues.

1. What is the client's overall objective in getting (or getting through) the divorce? Is it punishment for perceived wrongs? Is it to end up with adequate resources to be comfortable after divorce? Is it to have primary custody of the kids or to have a way to share time and responsibility for raising the kids? Is it to end up with certain valuable assets? Is it to come out debt free? Or something else? There's no right or wrong answer. It just helps the lawyer to know what the target is.

2. What kind of relationship does the client want to have with his/her ex-spouse? No relationship, a good one, best friends, neutral relationship or a bad relationship? Again, there's no right or wrong approach. The attorney just needs to know in order to work out the appropriate strategy.

3. What "mean" actions would the client want to take? Some actions are not permissible because they are illegal or unethical for a lawyer to do, and the client needs to understand that. Some actions are legal and ethical, but could be considered "mean" in some circumstances. Within that limited category, what would the client want?

4. How does the client think "meanness" will advance his/her cause? Some clients don't realize that being mean to the other side leads to more hostility and less cooperation. Will that help the client meet his/her needs or achieve his/her objectives?

5. Is the client willing to spend the extra money required to be mean? Unfortunately, for the client, "mean" isn't cheap. The attorney's fees increase dramatically when the attorney sends out numerous letters complaining or demanding action, files numerous pleadings complaining or requesting actions, sets hearings, conducts numerous depositions, demands voluminous discovery and so on. Also, the "tit for tat" strategy comes into play, meaning that whatever one side does to the other is returned again to the first party. The result: more letters, pleadings, hearings, depositions, discovery, etc. Being mean keeps the attorney busy, but it also increases the cost of divorce for both parties.

Often, the desire to hire a mean lawyer is just the natural reaction to pain,anger or fear the client is experiencing. There are certainly times when an attorney must act aggressively and firmly, but most clients just don't need or want a really mean lawyer when they learn how that will affect the case and their lives. And many or most clients can't afford or won't want to pay for a mean lawyer. Having the discussion about taking the mean approach can really be surprising to the client, but it can lead to planning for a better divorce.

Fuzzy Logic

2009-06-04T09:58:00.000-07:00

James Gross has another succinct comment in his Maryland Divorce Legal Crier blog that deals with a common misperception of people going through a divorce or of the "advisers" to people going through a divorce. Many people have trouble with the fact that there usually are no clear, definitive answers to most of the questions they have during a divorce.

"Lots of my clients are computer consultants, engineers, scientists, economists, investment bankers or accountants. They ask me questions about their cases and they want clear answers. Before I became a lawyer, I was a chemical engineer, so I know something about how they think.In math class there was usually one right answer and everything else was wrong. They are looking for the one right answer. I remember staying up all night at college with my study group working through the equations to get to that one right answer.

"After math, chemistry and physics classes, law school was a shock to me. I still recall the first day of Contracts when Professor Joe Covington asked me stand up and explain to the class what 'justice' means. I am afraid I did not do a very noteworthy job of it.

"I excelled in classes where the rules were hard and fast, like Civil Procedure, for example. But I did not fair as well in those classes where the concepts were harder to get a handle on, like Torts. I can empathize with the puzzled look on the faces of my 'math and science' clients when I explain divorce law to them. It is a human system and humans are full of flaws. There are no right answers – only probabilities.

"They are uncomfortable with these fuzzy answers. But I sometimes remind them that, even in their world, they deal with unknowns, such as the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, dark matter, string theory and Shroedinger’s cat."

Like James Gross, I often remind clients that they cannot use logic to figure things out in divorces or family law matters. Even when there are "rules", there are often exceptions and ultimately, human beings make judgment calls. Emotions can easily overrule logic when a party to a divorce is making decisions. It's best not to rely on someone else being logical in a divorce context. If you need to persuade someone on a point, you will be more effective if you analyze the other person's motivations and try to appeal to them. Forget about logic!