Having an Exit Plan

For a variety of reasons, some people get surprised or ambushed by the news that their spouse wants to get a divorce. No matter how unhappy a spouse may have been or how many times one or both spouses talked about divorce, it is not unusual for a husband or wife to be taken off guard by the announcement that their spouse is leaving and filing for divorce.

If you get hit by the unexpected news, or if you see it coming, you probably immediately start wondering what to do. Taking a rash or dramatic action is probably not in your best interest. Instead, you should take some small, defensive steps and allow yourself time the think and the opportunity to get expert help.

From an entirely unrelated source, the Attorney at Work blog, I recently saw an article about what an attorney should do if facing a loss of a job. The suggested emergency exit plan for an employment situation easily translates into some useful steps for someone to follow who is "losing" their marriage. Here are my slightly modified suggestions for an immediate exit plan in case of impending divorce:

1. Gather your legal documents. It's never too early to gather up what you can, make copies and then put them in a safe place, which could be with a friend. Even if your spouse is just "thinking about" getting a divorce, it would be wise to get all the financial records you can while you have your greatest access to them. Waiting is not a good idea. Documents tend to disappear.

2. Get a referral for a divorce lawyer. While you still have some time, seek out recommendations from friends and other people you respect. Do some research on line. Look at web sites and blogs to find out about what to expect in the process and to get a feel for how the author would approach a case. You can look at on line directories and rating services to get more information about possible attorneys.

3. Control and limit what you say. That is true about face-to-face discussions (don't escalate arguments), as well as on line opportunities, such as Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn or listserves. Also, be very careful what you put in writing, including by texting. It's easy to do audio recording anywhere and to take movies and photos anywhere. You should always think about how what you say, do or write would appear if presented in court.

4. Protect personal information. That includes information on computers, laptops, telephones, etc. Don't leave personal information accessible. Use passwords and don't leave the hardware lying around.

5. Breathe. Remember the airline announcements just before takeoff when the flight attendants tell you to put on your own air mask ("in the unlikely event of an emergency") before you put your child's mask on him/her. In any crisis, it sure helps to stop for a second and take some deep breaths. It will help clear your head and reduce your stress level.

These are all helpful suggestions for a sudden potential divorce emergency, but the original article also has good ideas for anyone facing a job loss, an unfortunately all-too-common occurrence. Anyway, while you are initially searching for answers and starting to come up with a plan, these suggestions are a good starting point.

How to Save Money in a Divorce

Divorce and other family law issues really are tightly connected to emotions. They are obviously very personal and usually involve some hurt feelings. People do go through stages of grief when a relationship ends, and that makes it tough for a while for most people to operate effectively. Some people, however, have anger issues that make it almost impossible for them to function rationally in some situations. The anger may be triggered by financial consequences of their situation, or by perceived slights or the loss of relationships. Others are upset because of new responsibilities they must assume, or by their loss of assets they worked hard for, or maybe just by change itself.

Whatever the cause, it is often difficult to deal with family law issues on a rational basis. Because of anger or other emotional issues, people have trouble dealing with the big picture and often end up focusing on small details. Some people keep score, tracking their wins and losses as if every action were equal to every other action.

Even though many people do not understand this, family law cases are not competitions. It is possible for both parties to win or to lose in a divorce. If you add in children, both parents and the children can all win or lose. It is not necessarily a situation where there must be one winner and one loser. If you operate on a minute level and agonize over how to split the pots and pans, then you can have a "winner" and a "loser" regarding who ends up with the 6-inch sauce pan. On the other hand, if there is a focus on providing two homes with some pots and pans, keeping in mind that they are replaceable, it is possible for both sides to have an adequate set to start.

On an often more emotional issue, paying child support, how the parents approach the issue makes a huge difference with satisfaction in the outcome. If they have a common goal of providing adequate support from both parents to keep the child's standard of living as similar as possible to the pre-divorce standard, the parents can probably make an agreement that's satisfying or acceptable to both sides.

Some people start keeping score and believe that their case is a disaster if some rulings by a judge go against them. Some people will start to see a trend when two or three small issues don't go their way. Rational people know that they will win some and lose some, and that not all issues are as important as others.

The Lessons

1. You can waste a lot of money focusing on the small things. If you insist that your attorney fight over every small thing, it will be expensive. It's easy for an attorney to stay busy preparing letters and pleadings, making phone calls, and negotiating over pots and pans or small sums of money. (It's not fun for the attorneys, but it's easy.) In reality, you are better off financially putting your time and money into achieving your higher level objectives, such as getting an adequate share of the retirement assets, providing funds to pay for your child's college expenses or getting the house sold so each party can purchase their own home, for examples.

2. Fighting over the small stuff unnecessarily increases your stress level. Stress isn't good for you, but many people ignore that and plunge right into battles over minutiae. It's not worth damaging your health over small issues. It's easy to get lost in a jungle of small, but intertwined, issues, and you can easily get stressed out, if you're not careful.

3. If your attorney tells you to focus on the big picture, that's good advice. Your attorney is more objective than you and is in a better position to judge whether you have gotten bogged down in the less important issues. It's easy to get distracted and get off course, so pay attention to your attorney. If you have a vague feeling that things aren't going your way and you aren't "winning" enough, please talk to your attorney about it. Your attorney should be able to help you keep things in perspective.

You know the old saying about not being able to see the forest for the trees. There is a lot of truth to that. It can be costly and stressful if you get off track and don't focus on the big issues. You're a lot better off financially and health-wise if you look at the big picture instead of letting yourself be distracted by smaller issues.

What to Do if You Get a Bad Result

Most people, once they reach a certain age and maturity level, realize that there's not always a happy ending and that they don't always get what they want. And sometimes I would have to disagree with the Rolling Stones who famously said that if you don't get want you want, you'll get what you need. Unfortunately, sometimes there are just bad days and things don't go well for you in court or in negotiations. If you find yourself in such a situation, what can you do or what should you do? Here are some suggestions.

Prelude: Keep in mind that bad results are rarely fatal. As bad as things may be or seem to be, soon things will get better. Time passes and you begin to work out of the hole you may be in. Take some deep breaths and try to put the situation in perspective. Get some help from a non-depressing friend. (We all know some "downer" friends who always see the glass half empty. Don't go to them for support.) Sometimes, experiencing a real let-down opens up new points of view that can help you change directions and may lead you to great improvement in the future. In addition to this attitude recalibration, there are some steps you can take in the legal arena.

1. Have an attorney review the situation right away. You should act quickly because there are often deadlines of 7 or 30 days, or some other time period, for you to take action. An attorney can tell you if the "bad result" is normal or is something that should be attacked, or if any action is cost-effective. Find out what your options are.

2. Get a second opinion. Do it all over with a second or third attorney to make sure you have a thorough review and understanding.

3. You might file a motion for new trial or a motion to reconsider. That is a way to bring everything back before the court, but you should have something new to add to the hearing: new facts, new law or new analysis. You may have to file a motion for new trial if you want to appeal.

4. You can appeal. There are different types of appeals provided in family law situations. Some matters go to a court of appeals, and that's very expensive and time consuming. Other appeals are less formal and can go back to the district court. Your attorney can advise you about these choices.

5. Consider a motion to modify. That might require some passage of time and a change of circumstances, but the delay may help you gather information to support the need for change, and it would also give you time to raise money to pay your legal fees.

6. Try working with your (ex)spouse. Sometimes, people can be reasonable and recognize that a result isn't right or won't work. Sometimes they want to avoid the cost of litigation, so you may be able to work informally with the other side.

7. Consider using mediation or Collaboration. If you and your ex can't work well on your own, maybe having a mediator would help, or you could enter the Collaborative process, with each having your own attorney and other neutral professionals as needed. It doesn't necessarily take a war to undo a bad result.

Postlude: Part of the problem may be your perception. Make sure that your expectations are realistic. When you are talking with attorneys and other trusted advisors, ask whether they think you are being realistic. You may be asking for something that is way out of line. Do a reality check.

As you can see, there are several options for you to consider if things don't go your way. Don't overreact. Stop and think before acting. Get some good advice and then follow through. Good luck!

What to Do if Your Spouse Files for Divorce

At this time of year, once the holidays are over, many people decide to begin the process of divorce. Sometimes, their spouse either doesn't expect it or is in denial or doesn't want to get divorced. This post is for those people who are reacting to a situation out of their control -- when their spouse files for divorce. If you find yourself in that position, here's what you can do.

1. If you see it coming, start preparing. Gather records, get control over some financial resources: cash, accounts, credit cards. You need to have some financial resources under your control that you can depend on. Cash and credit cards are very helpful, but cleaning out the accounts and leaving nothing for your spouse probably will hurt you in the long run. You will need to think about the respective living arrangements for you and your spouse. If you have kids, how will you take care of them, pay any necessary bills and share time with them with your spouse? Don't just sit around, start planning and anticipating. Get some help from friends and professionals.

2. If you didn't see it coming, start preparing, but move faster. If you have to play catch-up, do so. You still need to do a lot of planning, even if you get surprised. Start as soon as you can.

3. Research your options. Collaborative Law is always worth considering. (See some of my other posts or my Texas Collaborative Law Blog.) You might have to go into litigation, but mediation is usually an effective way to resolve cases. Talk to an attorney about the best way to proceed.

4. Decide what's important for you. Figure out what you would like to end up with. That includes financial assets, kid issues and any other concerns you have. Spend time at the start of the process to determine what you want and you will have a better chance of being satisfied. Just defaulting to "half of everything" and "standard" possession or child support may not be in your best interest. Think about it and discuss the issues with your attorney and counselor (if you have one).

5. Select an attorney. Look for experience, training, cost and chemistry. Find out how much experience your prospective attorney has with the issues of your case. Is the attorney a Board Certified Specialist in Family Law? Does the attorney have any special training for Collaborative Law or other special needs for your case? Make sure the attorney is affordable. It doesn't benefit you or the attorney to hire the most expensive attorney and hope that you will somehow be able to afford him or her. There are many fine attorneys at different price ranges. Finally, and maybe most importantly, make sure you and the attorney have good chemistry. If you don't feel comfortable and can't communicate well with the attorney, go to someone else, no matter how great the first attorney is. There are plenty of attorneys around and you should be able to work with one you like and feel comfortable with.

I realize that not everyone is willing or able to make the decision to get divorced. If you are someone who's had the decision made for you by your spouse, hopefully these suggestions will help you come up with a plan for response. These are not original, secret or complicated ideas. They are meant to help someone with a sudden need to deal with one of life's most difficult situations.

How to Start a Divorce

Because it's January again and many people are thinking about divorce, it may be helpful to have a brief review of what someone can do to prepare to file for divorce. Some people don't really plan ahead. They just go see a lawyer and turn everything over over to the lawyer to file and come up with a plan of action. Other people may want to do more to have a greater chance of a favorable, or at least acceptable, outcome. Here's what can be done:

1. Start by determining what you what to end up with. What are your goals, needs and interests? The easy way out is to say that you want what is fair or you want a 50-50 split, but that's really superficial and may leave you short-changed. Everybody is different. What's "fair" to someone is not fair to someone else. There may be certain assets that are more important to you than to your spouse. Maybe you need cash now to pay for some immediate expenses, or maybe you need extra retirement assets. If there are four automobiles, you may just need one, not two. Maybe some collections or artwork are more meaningful to you. Whatever the situation, you will feel better and be better off after the divorce if you decide early what your objectives are.

2. Select a method. You actually have choices. You need to decide whether you want to use Collaborative Law, litigation or just try to work out things with your spouse over the kitchen table. Maybe mediation appeals to you. Investigate the options and choose the way that works best for you. In researching the possibilities, make sure that you speak with an attorney with significant training and experience in the different methods. Hint: not all attorneys are trained and experienced in Collaborative Law. For an opinion on that approach, you should make sure the attorney has had experience in handling Collaborative cases.

3. Prepare. Gather records and information about your financial estate and be familiar with any issues regarding your child and your spouse. For a handy checklist, see the prior post from January 2, 2011.

4. Meet with your attorney. Early. It is important to see the attorney before things get heated up. Your attorney will appreciate having time to prepare and you will have more options on how to proceed. You will have time to gather or request records and you can plan different options for where you will live and how bills will be paid.

5. Take the first step. File, set a hearing (if needed) and serve the papers (or hand-deliver them, if that will help). It is generally advantageous to be the one to file first. Once it is inevitable that the divorce will take place, you will be better served by being active and getting things done at your convenience.

These suggestions are not meant to talk you into a divorce. Whether you decide to divorce is an separate and very personal matter. You should carefully consider all the circumstances in your life and in most cases, you should meet with a counselor, alone or as a couple, to get some perspective in evaluating your situation and maybe to get some help in resolving the issues you are facing. Only after careful consideration should you begin the process of divorce. Once you commit to the choice of divorce, you should then follow the above steps.

10 Things to Do to Prepare for Divorce

At this time of year, many people start thinking seriously about filing for divorce. When you decide you need to see an attorney to discuss that prospect, here's a list of things that are helpful to attorneys when they are getting an overview of your case.

• Personal household budget with supporting documents. Your attorney needs to know the average monthly amounts for all of your usual expenses. Copies of the latest statement for each bill would be helpful.

• Income tax returns. Please provide the complete returns, with all schedules and attachments, for the last 3 years.

• TAD appraisal. You can get and print off the latest appraisal of your real estate from the Tarrant Appraisal District on line.

• Bank account statements. It is helpful to have your bank records for the last 3 years for every bank account of any type, checking or savings or other, for you, your spouse and your children. You can probably download those from your banks or go to the bank and get them. You need information for every account that you or your spouse have a connection with.

• Pay stubs. You should bring pay stubs for you and your spouse for the last 6 months, or some other record showing the pay checks for that time period.
  

• List of debts. Please prepare a list of all the debts you are aware of, including but not limited to, mortgage, car loans, leases, credit cards and other loans. The list should include the total balance for each and the monthly payment amounts.

• Medical insurance card and information. Please bring a copy of your insurance card and any information you have about the policy, specifically about the coverage and cost.

• Personal property information. It helps to have a list of the personal property (such as furniture, household items, personal effects, etc.) that you want on an immediate and temporary basis. Think about what you need every day.
  

• Internet presence. Please make a list of all web sites and social media sites used by you and your spouse, and the names and passwords, if you know them. This should include Facebook, YouTube, My Space, LinkedIn, Twitter and other sites, including any blogs. Do a Google search on yourself and your spouse and then download the results.
  

• Special needs. Please tell your attorney if there are any special needs that you or a family member have.

If you bring all this information to your first meeting with a lawyer about a divorce, you will be much more helpful to the attorney and much better prepared for court or negotiations.

Bonus item: If you can think about what you would like to end up with and what your goals would be, that can be a very big help for you and your attorney. Take a little time and bring some ideas in writing. Everyone can benefit from planning ahead.

Getting a "Quiet" Divorce

There are quiet divorces and then there are the ones you hear too much about -- the celebrities with their binges and affairs caught on film, tape and the Internet, and your friends and relatives who go through the gauntlet fighting against all odds against the most overbearing spouse imaginable. You hear the horror stories all the time, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Collaborative Law is one way to have a quiet, peaceful and civilized divorce or resolution to another family law issue, but sometimes you can have a low-key litigation experience if the parties show maturity and stability to cooperate to end or change a relationship that isn't working. Many people start out with almost everything agreed. They may not need the full menu of legal services employed to work through a difficult and contentious divorce.

If you and your spouse are on fairly good terms and want to work together informally, Collaborative Law may be a good option, but it may not be needed in some less complex or mostly-settled cases. If you are in that situation, you should talk to an attorney about the following:

• Use minimal pleadings and don't make inflammatory allegations. You don't have to have a temporary restraining order or a temporary hearing. Discuss the situation with your attorney and determine the minimum that is needed.

• Insist on limiting your court appearances. You may not even need to appear in court to get the final decree signed.

• You don't necessarily need a deposition taken of your spouse, especially if everything is worked out.

• Likewise, you don't need formal, written discovery. Attorneys have numerous ways of gathering and sharing information.

• You can control the timetable, if everything is agreed, although there is still a 60-day waiting period in Texas.
  

• You also control the terms. Most judges will approve agreements made by the parties as long as the terms are written in a way that makes them clear and enforceable.
  

Not every divorce or family law procedure needs to be handled the same as all others. As the party most affected by the process, you have the right to tell your attorney to limit the steps you follow. Have a frank discussion and make sure that you do not just blindly follow an attorney's advice to do everything a "standard" way. Standard isn't always the best.

Dealing with Depression

I'm no therapist, but...

Unfortunately, depression seems to be becoming more common-place during holidays, especially when there's a divorce or other family law procedure pending or recently completed.

The fact that depression isn't discussed much in most divorce and family law cases doesn't mean that it's not a significant factor in many situations. When people think about, or discuss, how people act during a divorce, it's very common for one or both parties to be described as angry. Sometimes more colorful terms, often describing personality disorders, are tossed about. But aggressive actions by a party often mask an underlying depression.

Depression is an under-treated condition that is actually pretty common in divorces. At different times, almost everyone going through a divorce will experience feelings of depression. The good news is that it's not necessarily a permanent condition and there are some things you can do to minimize or avoid depression.

Health.com recently had an excellent article entitled "10 No Cost Strategies to Fight Depression". The article wasn't about divorce, but I thought the suggestions were excellent (but remember that I'm no therapist...) and they could very easily apply to the divorce context. Here's what they suggested:

• Don't blame yourself.
  
• Talk about it.
• Get regular exercise.
• Postpone major decisions.
• Take care of your health.
• Maintain a daily routine.
• Eat a healthy diet.
• Avoid drugs and alcohol.
• Try to sleep well.
• Don't overschedule.

I would add a corollary: If you think you may be depressed, please tell your lawyer so that s/he can either help you find a counselor or can work out a strategy to compensate for the issue.

The suggestions sound pretty simple, but it is sometimes hard to admit that you are depressed and it may be hard to put aside anger so that you can think rationally. If you sense you are experiencing some symptoms of depression, get help. Seeing a real therapist (not me), staying physically active and maintaining good health can get you started on the road to recovery. Depression usually won't go away by itself. If you avoid treating your depression, it can overcome you and cost you a lot in your divorce or other family law matter. When and if you are depressed, you probably aren't functioning very well and others, maybe including a judge, will notice, and that can affect the outcome of your case.

By the way, even if you aren't depressed and even if you aren't involved in a court case, following the 10 suggestions above will still benefit you by allowing you to be happier and healthier.

If you know of any other effective ways to deal with depression, please add a comment below.

What You Should Tell Your Attorney

Most divorces and other family law issues don't wrap up in one or two or three months. Unfortunately, the issues involve complicated and changing facts that take time to uncover and understand. Attorneys and clients must work together closely and communicate well, and that usually happens. In a surprising number of cases, however, some highly relevant information is not conveyed to the attorney.

Some Matters That Should Be Disclosed to Your Attorney

• You are buying or selling a house, or if you are moving.
• You are having surgery.
• You lost or will lose your job, or you are starting a new job, or your pay has changed.
• You are getting counseling, or you stopped or never started counseling that was ordered by the court or expected by your attorney.
• Your arrest or criminal history.
• You are dating or have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
• You have a roommate.
• There has been a significant financial change.
• You have been served with legal papers.
• You are being threatened with litigation.
• You have had an argument, or made an agreement, with your spouse.
• You plan to dispose of some of your assets or your spouse's assets.

That is not a complete list. When in doubt, tell your attorney.

Problems The lack of communication can result in problems when the news comes out, which it inevitably does. Some of the results can include:

• Violations of court orders that could have been avoided. Timely notice to the attorney might have enabled the attorney prevent the action or minimize the impact.
• The client's attorney being caught unprepared in a hearing when the issue is brought out in front of the judge. It is usually better to volunteer the unflattering information instead of leaving the impression that you are trying to hide something.
• The other party or other attorney becoming upset because of the unilateral action. That often can be prevented or minimized. When the other party is upset, you can count on less willingness to be reasonable or settle on other issues.

Why don't clients inform their attorneys?

Attorneys sometimes have a hard time understanding why their clients don't tell all. In reality, there are many different reasons why it can occur. A few of them are:

• Embarrassment. Clients are human, too. They don't want their attorney to think badly of them. They may hope that no one else discover the silly or stupid or malicious thing they did. Unfortunately, word almost always gets out.
• Avoidance. A client may fear the response or rebuke that is expected when a course of action is proposed. They want to avoid the unpleasant experience, so they just don't talk about it.
• Not thinking. Some clients just don't think it matters if they do certain things or they forget about some things. It's no big deal to them.
  
• Desire to save money. Clients know that it costs them to talk to their attorneys, so they decide to save the up front attorney's fee costs, not thinking that the situation can turn into a bigger problem.
• Secrecy. They may fear that the attorney will tell. Sometimes, clients know something is wrong, but they want to do it anyway. To protect themselves, at least in the short term, they try to hide the action from their attorney. But, the facts will usually come out anyway.

What's the Solution? Talk to your attorney and let him/her figure out how to best handle difficult or embarrassing facts. Let your attorney advise you on what actions to take or to avoid. It's really pretty simple.

Five Common Sense Rules for Divorce

Daniel Clement writes an excellent blog, the New York Divorce Report, where he had some good lessons for anyone going through a divorce in a post on October 26, 2010. Because it was so well-written, I have reproduced it below:

"Contemplating divorce or already engaged in one? No matter where you are in the process, five common sense rules apply to all family law cases:

Don't underestimate the fury of a scorned spouse.

" 'Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned. Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.' Anger, jealously and feelings of betrayal inspire the need for revenge. A divorce premised on the need for revenge will be costly (economically and emotionally), bitter and damaging to all.

You can listen to your friends, but maybe don’t pay attention to them.

"Divorces are fact specific. The facts of your case are different from your neighbors your friends, and your co-workers. The facts of your case will determine the outcome. So, when a client tells me that 'My hairdresser said that I should do. . . ' or that 'I am entitled to. . . .' I try to find out when the hair dresser started practicing law. By analogy, I don’t tell my mechanic how to fix my car.

Don't write or say anything that you don't want to be read or heard in court.

"Social network postings, pictures, and even causal asides will be used against you in a contested divorce or a custody fight. Your own words could be the strongest evidence against you. If you don’t want something to be used against you, exercise discretion and don’t say it, post it or photograph it.

Don't let any anger, guilt or remorse get in the way of a reasonable and fair settlement.

"Settlements should objectively fair, based upon the facts of the case. The emotions of anger and guilt cloud judgment. For instance, a spouse who feels that he/she betrayed the other by having an affair, may be willing to 'give away the farm' to satiate feelings of guilt. On the other hand, the betrayed party may have a knee jerk reaction rejecting a fair settlement offer because it does not provide for loss of the other’s body parts. Accept the advice of your attorney and financial advisors in order to resolve your case.

Hire a lawyer who practices matrimonial law, not someone who handles divorces only occasionally.

"Due to the complexity of the issues involved in the dissolution of a marriage, ranging from the valuation and distribution of assets to the custody and care of children,you should seek representation from an attorney well versed in this particular area of law, not from someone who dabbles."

Needless to say, divorce has serious consequences. Unfortunately, some people don't consider the long-term effects of what they do and say during a divorce. It is easy to give in to emotion and act irresponsibly in stressful and uncertain times. Instead of reacting quickly and in anger, it is much better to stop and consider your choices and act in ways that will reduce the fighting and put you in a better position to get a good resolution. In other words, stop, think and avoid the temptation to gain temporary, but immediate gratification. Consulting with your attorney before making important decisions is a good way to avoid creating bigger problems.