Why You Should Wait to Date

Although there are newer and sometimes more interesting words to describe the activity, “dating” is still an issue in divorces. Problems can occur in two different arenas: in the emotional relationship with your spouse and in the legal system.

The simplest, although not necessarily the easiest, way to avoid problems is to not date before the divorce is final.

Many people seem to think that once they separate or file for divorce or once they have been separated for a period of time, it’s OK to date. Once people decide to leave a bad relationship, they often will consider dating for a variety of reasons, including, fun, companionship, romance, revenge, to enjoy freedom from the current spouse, or to battle loneliness.

Perceptive people often realize that dating another person while the divorce is pending may make their spouse really angry. It may not be a rational response by the spouse – it usually isn’t – but who said divorces were rational situations? People going through divorces are rarely rational. Jealousy and anger are often inflamed when a party discovers their spouse has been or is dating. Allegations of “adultery” carry an emotional punch and can lead to the friends and allies of the victim adding to the fire. Getting a spouse really angry over an emotional issue such as adultery almost inevitably makes negotiations much more difficult and severely reduces the possibility of cooperation and settlement.

In Texas, adultery can have legal consequences as well. If proven, adultery can be the basis for the court to award an unequal division of property favoring the victim of the indiscretion. It can also become a factor in a custody case, depending on how the dating impacts on children.

In his posting, “Divorce Preparation: Step 13 - Be Good”, based on a posting in the Alabama Family Law Blog, Grant Griffiths (Kansas Family and Divorce Lawyer) explains clearly how a variety of social activities, including old-fashioned dating or group activities or parties, can have negative consequences in a divorce. Exercising, enjoying time with children and/or focusing on getting one’s life in order are better alternatives for the time period before a divorce is final.

Grant’s advice – to Be Good – is the perfect understatement. In so many ways, it is both a solution to problems and the key to avoiding problems. Self-restraint, delayed gratification or maturity, whatever you call it – Be Good and you will avoid a lot of problems.

Should I Wait or Can I Do it Now? A Short Quiz for People Going Through Divorce --Part 2

Many temptations come up when people are facing divorce.  Many opportunities also come up then.  Depending upon timing, some things are good ideas and others are not.

If you are facing divorce, or already involved in a divorce, here are some situations that commonly arise, along with some suggestions for you to think about when you are deciding whether to do something now or wait. 

Part 1 of this Quiz dealt with property or financial issues.  Part 2 has some financial matters, but it's more about personal relationships.


1.  Should  start dating?  NO!       That also includes:

• Don't list yourself on a singles dating web site, 

• Don't get engaged, 

• Don't have a boy friend/girl friend move in,

• Don't move in with a romantic interest, and

• Don't set a wedding date.

Those actions can cause emotional upset to your still-current spouse, which may damage relationships, slow down the divorce and make it more expensive.  They can also open additional financial issues to fight over.  It's not worth it.

2.  Should I introduce the kids to my new dating interest?  Hopefully, you're not dating while the divorce is pending.  Generally, you need to be very cautious about this.  Probably, you should wait until you have dated for at least 6 months and you should also coordinate this with your ex-spouse. Ideally, you and your ex would work with a family therapist to coordinate the timing and wording of how to make that introduction.

3.  Should I change my will or beneficiaries on insurance, retirement plans or anything else?  Normally, there will probably be a court order saying you can't make those changes.  Judges like to keep everything the way it has been.  They would probably order you to change those documents back to the way they were before you changed them. Consult with your lawyer on this, and don't do anything on your own.

4.  Is it OK if I buy gifts for my new girl friend or boy friend?  No.  I know it's not good for your new relationship, but spending community funds on a new romantic interest is always going to cause problem with your spouse and with the Judge.  At the least, the expenditure will probably be added to your column as an asset in the property division. Your spouse will be angry and less cooperative than if you had not done this. It's also possible the Judge could sanction you for violating a court order.  It's not worth the trouble that follows when you get found out, and you will get found out.

5.  Should I give away things I don't need or want?  Talk to your attorney.  The answer will likely be No! You would probably violate a court order and you would probably be disposing of community property.  Don't take a chance on it.

If you are thinking of taking some financial or relationship actions while the divorce is pending, do as our British friends would do.  Stay Calm and consult your attorney.

Why You Should Wait to Date -- Part 2

Many months ago, I wrote a post about the advisability of waiting until after the divorce is final to start dating. That post is still frequently being read because it is a perennial issue. Lately, another good reason has come up reinforcing the point that you should wait to date until you are divorced. Two words: public humiliation.

In a recent series of events, a politician running for public office in South Carolina apparently got involved with a woman who was going through a divorce. Ben Stevens, in his South Carolina Family Law Blog, wrote about a Spartanburg City Council candidate who has an angry man driving around town with a big sign on his pickup truck naming names and accusing the candidate of adultery. The candidate denies the claim, but he has to be very embarrassed and probably will be hurt when the votes are totaled. If the angry man's wife had waited until she was divorced before she started dating, that trouble might have been completely avoided.

Although dating was not the triggering event, the recent You Tube rant by an angry New York wife shows another possible venue for embarrassing a wandering spouse. She will surely not be the last spouse to utilize the internet for revenge.

In the Information Age, there are more and more ways to hurt and embarrass someone, so people going through a divorce should be very careful with their behavior. As much as people hate to hear this, it is still advisable not to date until the divorce is final. There can be legal consequences that may affect the outcome of the case,but the results of emotional reactions can be even worse.

Are "Sleep Overs" Allowed?

Fans of the just-ended series, Boston Legal, will remember the silly question that Alan and Denny frequently asked, "Sleep over?". On that show, it was often part of the end of the episode banter between the two lawyers. If you enjoyed the unusual humor of the show, you probably chuckled when the question came up.

In real life, the sleep over question comes up sometimes in post-divorce relationships where there are minor children still in the home. Sam Hasler, who writes an excellent blog called Sam Hasler's Indiana Divorce & Family Law Blog, had a recent post about the sleep over issue in Indiana and how their new visitation schedule will deal with the issue.

The issue still arises in Texas when a parent begins a relationship with someone new and wants to have the new romantic partner spend the night when the children are present. Our standard visitation schedule doesn't address the problem. There is actually no absolute answer to the question in Texas. Most often, it comes down to what the local judge will permit and the judge will have a lot of latitude to decide. There are, of course, moral issues which are paramount and clear cut for some people. Others may not hold the same moral position and that's where the courts come in.

If you are not dealing with this as a moral issue, the bottom line becomes what's in the children's best interest. Most judges, in Tarrant County at least, discourage ("prohibit") sleep overs until the parent is married to the new person, although that can vary a little based on the children's ages and the length of the relationship with the new adult. Some judges and child specialists will recommend not even bringing around a new paramour until the parent has been dating that person for 6 months to a year. Some parents will be impatient with that, but it normally will be in the children's best interest to avoid bringing a variety of new prospective step-parents.

Sometimes the court will explicitly order no sleep overs. Even without such an order, parents should think twice about bringing strangers around their children and keep in mind how confusing and upsetting the experience may be for the children. If regular visitation is taking place, or if time is being split pretty equally (which is getting to be more common), there will be plenty of opportunities for the parent to pursue dating activities with one or more adults without the children present. When the parent has the children, it's probably going to be better to focus on the children instead of splitting one's attention between the children and a boy/girlfriend.

If you think about what's best for the children, instead of just what would be more fun for you, the answer is pretty easy. What do you think?

What You Should Tell Your Attorney

Most divorces and other family law issues don't wrap up in one or two or three months. Unfortunately, the issues involve complicated and changing facts that take time to uncover and understand. Attorneys and clients must work together closely and communicate well, and that usually happens. In a surprising number of cases, however, some highly relevant information is not conveyed to the attorney.

Some Matters That Should Be Disclosed to Your Attorney

• You are buying or selling a house, or if you are moving.
• You are having surgery.
• You lost or will lose your job, or you are starting a new job, or your pay has changed.
• You are getting counseling, or you stopped or never started counseling that was ordered by the court or expected by your attorney.
• Your arrest or criminal history.
• You are dating or have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
• You have a roommate.
• There has been a significant financial change.
• You have been served with legal papers.
• You are being threatened with litigation.
• You have had an argument, or made an agreement, with your spouse.
• You plan to dispose of some of your assets or your spouse's assets.

That is not a complete list. When in doubt, tell your attorney.

Problems The lack of communication can result in problems when the news comes out, which it inevitably does. Some of the results can include:

• Violations of court orders that could have been avoided. Timely notice to the attorney might have enabled the attorney prevent the action or minimize the impact.
• The client's attorney being caught unprepared in a hearing when the issue is brought out in front of the judge. It is usually better to volunteer the unflattering information instead of leaving the impression that you are trying to hide something.
• The other party or other attorney becoming upset because of the unilateral action. That often can be prevented or minimized. When the other party is upset, you can count on less willingness to be reasonable or settle on other issues.

Why don't clients inform their attorneys?

Attorneys sometimes have a hard time understanding why their clients don't tell all. In reality, there are many different reasons why it can occur. A few of them are:

• Embarrassment. Clients are human, too. They don't want their attorney to think badly of them. They may hope that no one else discover the silly or stupid or malicious thing they did. Unfortunately, word almost always gets out.
• Avoidance. A client may fear the response or rebuke that is expected when a course of action is proposed. They want to avoid the unpleasant experience, so they just don't talk about it.
• Not thinking. Some clients just don't think it matters if they do certain things or they forget about some things. It's no big deal to them.
  
• Desire to save money. Clients know that it costs them to talk to their attorneys, so they decide to save the up front attorney's fee costs, not thinking that the situation can turn into a bigger problem.
• Secrecy. They may fear that the attorney will tell. Sometimes, clients know something is wrong, but they want to do it anyway. To protect themselves, at least in the short term, they try to hide the action from their attorney. But, the facts will usually come out anyway.

What's the Solution? Talk to your attorney and let him/her figure out how to best handle difficult or embarrassing facts. Let your attorney advise you on what actions to take or to avoid. It's really pretty simple.

Ducks Marry Ducks

I didn't create the title to this post. It's a phrase I've heard around the courthouse for years, mostly from judges, social workers and therapists, to explain why both parties in a divorce are often afflicted with the same or similar problems. Even though the lawyers and other professionals usually recognize this phenomenon, the ones who don't realize it are the ones most involved. The ducks themselves. Our clients. I am writing this to clue in the ducks so maybe they will have an easier time navigating the family law system.

Family law legal issues usually range from very emotional to extremely emotional. Luckily, clients have attorneys to help them deal with the process. In litigated cases (in contrast to Collaborative Law cases), the parties and their attorneys often spend a lot of time preparing for court, or at least preparing for heavy negotiations. The attorneys always want facts from their clients. Some attorneys focus almost exclusively on the negative, while others try to balance the mud slinging by getting evidence/witnesses about the positive aspects of their client's situation (their hard work, honesty, generosity, willingness to change diapers, etc.).

Maybe it's easier to come up with negative things, maybe it's more emotionally satisfying, or maybe people think that negative attacks are more persuasive than just saying nice things about oneself. Whatever the reason, parties (and attorneys) tend to spend more time developing evidence of negative traits than positive.

And that's where the problem arises. In case after case, I see the same thing. It's "the pot calling the kettle black". Here are some common issues where I see it:

• Having an affair. It's amazing how many times one party gets all worked up because the spouse is having an affair, and it turns out that the one who's upset is also dating someone else or has in the past.
• Drug use. When I hear claims of someone smoking marijuana or using other drugs, it's almost always true that the other spouse is also a druggie. (Although the person usually claims to be a "former" user.)
• Forgery. There are frequent complaints that the other party forged a signature on a check or tax return or some other document. Just about the time that the victim works up a lot of righteous indignation, we discover that the "victim" also has forged the other party's signature on other similar documents.
• Bad housekeeping. I actually had one party go through the house that he and his wife were sharing and take pictures of messes (which he then ignored, although he was unemployed at the time). Once he moved into his own house, he was able to match his wife's messiness, and even surpass it in places. (She went into his house and took pictures, also.)
• No cooking or bad cooking. If there's one of these allegations, they probably eat fast food all the time --neither cooks.
• Running up excessive debt. Most often, each has their favorite money pits and they each run up debt. Usually, the one complaining louder is the one who makes more money.
• Nude pictures or movies. It's either: guess who was also participating when the pictures or movies were made, or the pictures may have been taken illegally.
• Hiding assets. Distrustful spouses often are married to equally untrustworthy spouses.
• Being uncooperative or unwilling to compromise. It really just depends on the issue involved. There are almost always some issues where one party simply will not budge, and the other side complains mightily, even though the positions are often reversed on other issues. Usually, each side has some non-negotiable issues.

The old double standard is clearly alive and well. It's so much more fun to attack and criticize the other side in a family law case. Unfortunately, a lot of time and money can be wasted mounting attacks on issues that make both sides look bad.
What to do about it:

• Come clean with your attorney. Be honest and admit your shortcomings. Don't try to hide or downplay the dirt on you. It won't be the first time your attorney has heard about such things. It's not the attorney's position to judge you. Your lawyer is there to help you develop the best case and to achieve your worthwhile goals. The lawyer can't help you if s/he gets surprised in court.
• Be realistic. Nobody's perfect. Admit to your attorney when you messed up, so the attorney can help you develop a strategy to deal with the bad facts. Everyone has at least a little dirt. Honesty can really help you in court when you admit your weaknesses. Your attorney will help you to figure out the best way to present things.
• Try to come up with positive points about yourself. This is often overlooked. Judges get tired of all the negativity they see and hear. Telling the good things about yourself can make a really strong impression on the judge.
• If the kids are involved, try to objectively look for their best interest. This is something judges are interested in. If you demonstrate your commitment to the children's best interest, it will pay off for you. If you are not sure about what would be best, or if there's some other way to do things, get help from a parenting professional. We use them in Collaborative cases, and there's no reason why you can't consult with one in a litigated case.
• Be open to new options. The court may send you to Access Facilitation or a social worker with the county to help you develop a parenting plan. You will probably go to mediation if you don't settle early on. With any of those options, keep in mind that you are being helped by people who are experienced and can come up with many different models that have worked for others. Consider seriously any suggestions you get.

Remember, many of the issues you think are dynamite will fizzle out for a lot of reasons. One of the most common situations attorneys see is one party complaining about something that they are also guilty of, and that should be avoided. Ducks marry ducks and for many issues, there's virtually no benefit from bringing up issues that apply to both parties. Instead, look for things that will distinguish you in a positive way.