Starting Over After 50

There seems to be a lot of discussion about people over 50 years old getting divorced now.  Of course, there are a lot of Baby Boomers who are still alive and in relationships.

• Many of them are suddenly facing a divorce they hadn't planned on.  
• The flip side is that many Boomers have finally decided to go forward on the divorce they kept thinking about, but which they just couldn't face.  
• And some couples in second or third marriages are also facing divorce as they pass 50 years of age.

All of these people face somewhat similar circumstances.  If you find yourself in such a situation, here are some suggestions to help you get through the process.

1.  Shock or relief.  The first stage, after at least one spouse decides to leave the marriage, is shock, if the other spouse somehow isn't expecting it, or relief, if the spouses have been discussing the decision openly until one or both commit to ending the marriage.  It's a difficult decision for so many reasons.  Once that decision is made, both parties need a little time to let it sink in.

2.  Fear.  A common second emotion is fear about the future.  Past plans come undone.  Finances get stretched thin and new arrangements need to be made. The need to work may put off retirement and will affect spending.  Relationships with grown and nearly-grown children may change and will probably be a little awkward for a while.  So many things that are taken for granted suddenly have to be changed.  There's a lot to be concerned about.

3.  Recognizing opportunities.  With the changes comes some new freedom to change course and try something new. Most people at 50 will still have 30-40 more years to live. You can move to a different job or another town or a new neighborhood.  You might downsize and streamline your life.  New hobbies and activities are possibilities.  You can also make new friends.

4.  Start with small changes.  With so many new and different directions you can take, don't go crazy and completely start over.  Generally, you will be more comfortable with adding small changes at first and then making bigger changes as you get used to new arrangements.  Everyone needs some stability which can come from some carryover aspects of your life.  Especially -- Don't rush out and get remarried.  Take your time and get to know the person.  There's plenty of time!

5.  Expand your horizons.  Use this opportunity to try completely new things that maybe you couldn't do while you were married.  You don't have to re-create your old married life.  Try some new interests and make some new friends.  Take some classes.  Reconsider your assumptions about how you want to live your life.  This could be the beginning of an interesting new life.  If you don't want to do a lot of new things, you still can have a fresh start to some old activities.

One other thought:  If you are facing divorce after 50, you should look into using the Collaborative Law process for a civilized, less-destructive divorce.  Be sure you talk to a trained Collaborative attorney who actually handles Collaborative cases.  Collaborative Law won't work in every case, but it will in a great number of them.

What If You Don't Really Want a Divorce?

Just like it takes two to tango, it takes two to have a marriage.  If one person wants out of a marriage, the other one can't really prevent a divorce.  Both parties have to be committed to keep a marriage together. 

It often happens that one spouse decides to seek a divorce before the other spouse is even aware of that possibility.  People frequently think through their marital problems and come to the conclusion or realization that a divorce is what they want, all without involving their spouse in the deliberations.

The result is that one party is often surprised and unprepared for a divorce.  That party also often wants to try to preserve the marriage.  If you find yourself in that position, here are some things to think about.

1.  Get some counseling with a good professional counselor.  Look within yourself and your marriage.  Do you really not want a divorce?  Is it possible, after the shock wears off, that you also might be better off ending the marriage?  Have you overlooked the signs of discontent or problems in the relationship?  How committed is your spouse to the divorce?  Try to review the situation as objectively as you can, but depend on help from a good counselor.  This is not something you should try to deal with on your own.

2.  Is your marriage past the point of no return?  If you want to save the marriage, don't burn the bridges by your reaction to your spouse. You need to figure out if there's still something valuable to salvage and build upon.  If you spouse is having an affair or living with someone, the odds are that you can't resurrect the marriage.  Be realistic.  If your spouse has hurt you financially, emotionally or physically, it may be best to cut the ties.

3.  If you want to preserve the marriage, here are some ideas. 

• Recognize that divorce is inevitable, if either one of you wants it.  You may be able to slow it down, but you really can't stop it, if your spouse is persistent.
• Don't burn your bridges.  Be nice to your spouse.  Being mean or destructive is not going to win back your spouse. You may have to work on the divorce while you are trying to get your spouse to reconsider.
• Be fair to yourself.  Don't rollover in a settlement.  Giving your spouse everything, or most things, will not win him or her back.  That strategy just doesn't work.  Don't give away the farm.  I have seen that happen and then the other spouse still goes through with the divorce.
• Make it clear that the door is open and you're willing to work on issues, if your spouse is.  It must be a two-way street.  Your spouse has grievances against you, at least some of which are legitimate, and you will also have grievances against your spouse, at least some of which are legitimate.  If your spouse takes the position that you must unilaterally make all the changes, that's not going to work and you won't like the outcome.

Reconciling is a huge up-hill battle.  Don't expect an easy or smooth trip.  Be prepared to invest a lot of emotion and effort and even then, it may not work. 

Beware:

• If your spouse says it's all your fault.
• If your spouse has acted dishonestly.  Or,
• If your spouse demands a deal very unfavorable to you, before he/she will talk with you.

If any of those situations occur, go see a divorce lawyer.

Divorce Over 50: Checklist of Financial Issues

For various reasons, many Baby Boomers seem to be facing divorces even after long marriages.  Sometimes both parties reach the point where they want to end their marriage.  Other times, it's one spouse or the other who takes the lead in deciding to divorce.  Even if just one spouse wants the divorce, in Texas the divorce will ultimately be granted if that spouse persists.

Whether divorce represents welcome relief or a distasteful experience that can't be avoided, both parties need to prepare.  The following is a list of financial issues that come up in most divorces after long-term or later-in-life marriages.

1.  Planning for Retirement.  While not everyone has a retirement plan or assets set aside for retirement, it should be a concern for everyone over 40.  The degree of urgency may vary, depending on how far away from retirement each party is.  The tax aspects must also be considered for each type of asset.  Preparing a future budget and working with a financial advisor will be helpful.

2.  Planning for Transition.  This is the transition from being married to single and also may include the transition from working to retirement.  Very often, one spouse has stayed home to take care of children.  That spouse may need some time to get back in the job market and get hired, and may need some education.  Our economy is not yet back to full speed, so finding a job is not as simple as it was a few years ago.  That means that support may need to be a component of the settlement.

3.  Dealing with Health Issues.  Being part of an older age group naturally means that there will be health concerns.  Additionally, health insurance will have to be provided for.  Health issues can affect whether one or both spouses are able to be employed.

4.  Making Living Arrangements.  The divorce may be coming at a time when the parties might have been downsizing anyway, but selling a house is often part of the discussion.  One or both parties may have to find suitable and affordable housing.

5.  Taking Care of Children.  Depending on the children's ages, there may be private school, tutors, college or other education-related expenses.  Then  there's extra-curricular activities.  They have to be coordinated and paid for.  If the children are young, child support and visitation will have to be resolved.

6.  Separating Credit.  Often, one spouse has a better credit record or more income and the credit purchases have been made primarily in that spouse's name.  Joint credit cards need to be separated.  Some debts might be paid off, or they may be allocated in the property division.  A spouse might need to set up some new separate credit cards or accounts while they are still married and there is joint credit to qualify for the accounts.

7.  Managing Debt.  The  parties both need to prepare budgets for the interim while they get divorced and for their post-divorce lives.  Splitting debt 50-50 doesn't make sense if one person has very little earning potential and the other one has high earnings.  The parties need to be realistic.

8.  Allocating Investments.  Each party will probably want or need some investments, if there are some.  They should carefully evaluate the level of risk with each investment.  The parties also need to consider whether the investments promise short-term income or long-term value, and try to fit the investments with each party's needs.  Another factor to consider is how capable each party is to manage the assets.

9.  Updating Financial Planning.  Everyone should have a will and the wills have to be revised after divorce.  Other instruments, such as trusts, insurance, retirement assets, stocks and bonds, real estate and other investments will need to be revised or reconsidered.  You should work with a financial planner who helps people going through divorces.

10.  Providing for Legal Fees.  Since you will be going through a divorce, you will need a divorce lawyer.  Unfortunately, sometimes one party will try to prevent their spouse from hiring a lawyer.  Even in the most agreeable divorces, each side should have their own attorney to review the situation and advise the client.  One way or another, there's usually money available in assets, bank accounts or credit cards that can be used to hire an attorney.  Don't let your spouse talk you out of it.

Most people do a little research and think about the issues before they go see a lawyer about  a divorce.  This list will give you a starting point.  There are probably some issues not covered that may come up in your case.  Be prepared to discuss these and other issues with your lawyer at your first meeting.  Good luck!

Divorce Over 50: Breaking Free

Divorce after a long-term marriage requires a lot of adjustments.   All the legal changes, living arrangements, family connections, financial uncertainty and a myriad of other issues can be overwhelming.  It all comes down to one word:  change.

Change can be very difficult for many people, especially at a time when they are looking for something to hold onto.  The reaction for some people is to slow down or shut down, to try to make the world move slower.  It's easier to understand things if they change slowly.

Some people will take slowing down to an extreme and will try to do nothing while they process what's going on and what they will need to do.  Sometimes, it's easier to hunker down and stay home in a quiet safe environment.  That can give people time to emotionally catch up with what's happening legally.

But, becoming immobilized can be dangerous over the long run.  If you find yourself in this situation, you cannot adequately take care of your own needs.  You can stay home and avoid people for a while, but soon, you will have to get on with your life. 

What if you get stuck in a rut and can't figure how to get out?  Here are some tips to help you break free of the physical and emotional paralysis that can easily overtake someone dealing with intense personal changes.

1.  Go outside.  Get some fresh air.  Take a walk.  Go to the mall.  Shop without spending money --just look.  Move around in public.  Don't be isolated.

2.  Exercise.  Join and use a gym.  Run, bike, climb or walk.  Getting exercise will have lots of benefits, from mental alertness to losing weight to meeting new people.

3.  Hang out at a coffee shop with a friend.  You can look around and take turns making up the life stories of the other people hanging out there.

4.  Go to a modern art gallery or museum.  Look for some art that you can understand or like.   If you already like modern art, go to a gallery or museum with some other type of art that you may not appreciate.  Have some fun with it.

5.  Go see a live play.  If you regularly go already, pick out a  theater that's a different type than what you usually attend.  Bonus points if you go with a friend and discuss the play afterwards.

6.  Go listen to a different genre of music.  Go hear classical music, if you don't usually listen to it, or go hear blues, country, reggae, bluegrass or something else you aren't familiar with.

7.  Fly somewhere on a whim.  Take a weekend trip on a "last-minute" special.  Go see a friend or a place you have been meaning to see.

8.  Help a friend with a problem.  You'll be amazed at how much that will help you.

9.  Try an activity from your youth.  Go dancing, swimming, boating, bowling or playing miniature golf, if you haven't done so for years.  You'll feel younger and act younger.

10.  Try an unusual restaurant.  Go to one that serves a different type of food than you are used to.  Expand your tastes.  Tell your waiter that it's your first time and you need some help and suggestions.

If you are a Baby Boomer exiting a long-term marriage, you need to expand your horizons.  You have a lot of choices and opportunities ahead of you.  To get a jump start, try some of these ideas.  Have some fun!

P.S.  If you have some suggestions, please send us a Comment (below).

Ending a Long-Term Marriage -- 5 Fallacies

Many couples, later in life, are facing the end of their marriages.  It seems to be more and more common for Baby Boomers to decide to divorce in their 50s and 60s and later.  That decision creates many new challenges for both parties, but especially for one party if she or he was not the initiating party.  Divorcing is not too difficult if both parties are emotionally ready for it and want to be divorced.  The biggest problem comes when one party is surprised by the other party's decision to start a divorce.

When one party reaches the point of committing to a divorce, and the other party doesn't know it's coming, there can be some big problems for both parties.  Sometimes the signs are there, but a spouse just doesn't want to acknowledge them.  Hiding one's head in the sand will only work for so long.  Eventually, everyone has to face the situation and start making difficult decisions.  Acceptance doesn't come easily for many people.  They deny that the divorce is going to take place, or that it should, and then later will fight to punish their departing spouse.

The spouse initiating a divorce, when the other spouse is surprised, often has some very wrong ideas about what to expect.  The initiator often has spent a lot of time reviewing the situation and has some up with some very logical plans for ending the marriage.  Sometimes, the plans are very selfish, which makes them a hard sell.  Other times, the plans are generous, but even those may be hard to promote.  Unfortunately, logic usually doesn't work, at least initially, when dealing with a very emotional spouse.

Here are some false expectations that are common at the outset of a Baby Boomer divorce later in life.

1.  This can be quick.  It almost never is, and it won't be if the other spouse isn't ready emotionally.  Unless there have been a lot of productive discussions in advance, it will probably take quite a while -- a year or so in litigation; probably less in Collaborative Law.  Aside from the emotions, there's a lot to unravel after a long marriage.  Quite often there are children, some minor and some adult, and provisions are usually made for them.  In addition, planning for employment and retirement for the spouses can be very challenging, especially if one has been a stay-at-home parent.

2.  It can be cheap.  That partly depends on how much fighting is going on, which is affected by the emotional readiness of each spouse. In addition, the parties will be dividing up assets and suddenly will be facing the "golden" years without half the gold they accumulated and planned with over the years.  Retirement plans and housing get drastically changed.  In addition, the costs of a divorce can be substantial if there is a lot of fighting or there are a number of assets that require expert valuations.

3.  It's easy.  After a long-term marriage, there are many, many connections and dependencies which have to be undone or compensated for.  Over the years, parties make a lot of assumptions about their future, and now new plans have to be made.  Complications come from age, health, unemployment, outdated job skills, shrinking  retirement funds and insurance issues.  It will not be simple.

4.  It can be painless.  Sure, if everyone agrees to get the divorce and instantly agrees on the terms.  Of course, that never happens.  Most often, the "leavee" is angry and out for revenge, or at least a lopsidedly-favorable settlement.  Usually, the initiator pays for the break-up, even if the the other party is partly or wholly at fault.  Remember, logic has little or no place in divorces.

5.  A party can just walk away.  It's never that easy.  There will always be ties -- financial connections, family relationships, children, and friends, among other ways.  Unless both parties are emotionally on the same page, expect trouble!

Suggestion:  Consider using Collaborative Law to help deal with the emotions and the varied financial issues that Baby Boomers face when they divorce later in life.  That's smarter than trying to handle this by yourself or going through litigation.

Starting Over Later in Life

A common situation for some people, especially Baby Boomers, going through a Collaborative or litigated divorce is the need for one spouse to re-join the workforce. Often, although not always, the wife is suddenly facing the need to earn a living after years of being a stay-at-home mom and raising children. Sometimes she has work experience from years ago, but that is often outdated or she may have lost interest or connection with that career. As a result, the out-of-the-workforce spouse must face the daunting task of reinventing herself in the workplace so she can be self-supporting. Unfortunately, there seems to be little guidance readily available to help people in that situation, and "the law" doesn't provide much help, other than alimony, which is usually pretty limited.

So, what should someone do facing that challenge? There are so many unknowns involved, it would be helpful to break up your efforts into small steps. And don't just jump to the end. Work through the process so you know where you are going and know it's the right direction. Here are some ideas:

How to Start a New Career

1. Know yourself. Make an inventory of yourself. Analyze your skills, experience, interests, strengths and weaknesses, tolerance for risk, willingness to be self employed or to work for someone else, training, hobbies, income requirements, comfort with technology and the amount of time available for working. Sometimes, it even helps to ask close friends or relatives what they think might be appropriate for you. They may have some very perceptive observations that would be helpful. You could also see a counselor who can help you identify skills and interests.

2. Research possibilities. Look into various industries and jobs that might fit with your skills, experience or interest. Figure out where some appropriate jobs might be located and what the requirements would be for you to do that work. Will you need training or certification or other qualifications? Is a college degree required? You need to create a target -- the type of job, location, pay, hours, etc. -- so you will know what you are looking for. It will also help you figure out where to look for your job. A counselor may also be able to point you to some resources.

3. Improve yourself. There will always be some things that you can or should do to improve yourself to be more marketable and more productive at work. Here are some ideas:

Research first. Find out what you need to learn and then arrange to get the training. Don't wait until you apply for the job. Get the training now so you will be more marketable.

Be an Intern. That's usually an unpaid position, but the real payoff is in knowledge and experience which might make the difference in getting a job. Find positions in your chosen industry and volunteer to start out for free to get some experience. Sometimes those positions turn into job offers. Even if they don't, you may get a reference or connections or learn how to find a job in the industry.

Get counseling. Work with a counselor or a life coach to make sure you are on the right path and to shore up an deficiencies you may have. You might need help setting priorities or goals, or you may need help getting organized. Sometimes, it just helps to be accountable to someone else who can gently nudge you when you need it.

Get a mentor. Find someone in the industry or someone more experienced who you can contact whenever you need some guidance. It really helps to have an insider on your side.

Volunteer. If you have some free time, volunteer to help an organization that you believe in. You will feel better and it is one more thing to put on your resume. It's much better than just sitting around, and you might make some connections that may lead to a job.

4. Promote yourself. There are many things you can do to promote yourself.
You will need a resume. It should be appropriate to the industry you are interested in. Get some guidance from a counselor, coach or mentor. Research what the prospective employer is used to. Formats and content may vary widely between industries. You want to stand out, but in a good way.

Network everywhere. Talk to everyone about your quest. Join groups. There may be a study group or some other organization of people looking for jobs in your area. Create a group, if necessary. Talking with family and friends and others may lead to the connection you need.

Use social media, if you are comfortable with it. If you don't know much about it, do some research online and learn how things work. (You can always talk to your kids or nephews or nieces.) Sign up for LinkedIn which has become a significant resource for finding jobs or finding employees. You can have a resume on it for free. It's a great way to connect with friends and make new friends. Twitter can also be a way to watch for job openings and to promote yourself. Facebook, if used carefully, can be a good way to reconnect with old friends -- it's networking online. Google + is new, but it will compete with Facebook and will probably also be a good tool for networking. If you have some knowledge about your desired field, you could blog about it and that might be very helpful in raising your visibility.

5. Get your head on straight. Getting started on such a life-changing effort is daunting. If you don't break it down into manageable steps and put deadlines on yourself, it may be very easy to not follow through and to get frustrated with a lack of progress. That is especially the case if you glance over your shoulder and look at the image of the life your spouse is living with his or her established position in contrast to how you are struggling. Instead of looking backward, look forward and picture your goal of a meaningful, productive and rewarding job. Be realistic and remember that you won't get it overnight and it will take some time to build a career. Don't try to do it all alone. Work with someone else for accountability and reassurance.
You may have noticed that this article doesn't provide a quick solution to finding a job when you are starting over later in life. Instead, I have provided a series of steps that can greatly improve your chances of finding the job you want and need. Don't take shortcuts. Get help from others and be flexible. Good luck!