Don't Rely on What You Hear

When people start thinking about divorce, they often talk with family and friends to get information about it.  Naturally, they look to people who have had divorce experience or know someone who has. That is often a mistake.

Briefly, this is why it is a mistake to rely on what people tell you.

1.  Every case is different. This cannot be overemphasized.  Normally we only get part of the story from someone else. Some facts are forgotten. The legal issues may have been different. The history between the parties may be different from yours. The attorneys may have chosen to focus on or ignore certain legal issues. The way people get along with each other and other people is probably different. The goals and needs of the parties will be different. This list could go on and on.

2.  People sometimes get the facts mixed up. Probably unintentionally, but still a problem.  The more times a story is told, the  more it changes.

3.  Often people are basing their opinions on the law from other states. Believe it or not, laws are different in each of the states. Many times people suggest a course of action that is totally inappropriate in Texas. That happens with research online.

So, what can a person do?  Simple. Talk to an experienced attorney.  If it's a divorce case, talk to a divorce lawyer. If it's a criminal case, see a criminal lawyer. If it's a probate matter, go see a probate lawyer.

The common element is: go talk to a lawyer for important legal issues. Don't gather your information informally and start off on your own.  Talk to an experienced lawyer for your issues and take the advice. You will come out ahead.

A Fresh Start

There are a lot of difficult and unpleasant aspects to divorce.  How's that for an understatement?

But, you can work to make something positive about divorce.  In any marriage, there are positives and negatives. During a divorce, the negatives become the focus and it's often hard to see anything good coming out of it.

The longer you stay in the negatives, the more depressing a divorce can become. The solution is to shift gears and change your focus, which is often easier said than done.

Here are three little tips to help you start your divorce and post-divorce life in a better direction.

1.  Remember what went well during your marriage. Sometimes, it's hard to remember anything positive, but you should be able to with a little effort.  Maybe there were some fun family events or travel, or maybe you learned some fun or useful skills. Maybe you helped someone else.  Whatever it was, it will help you now to focus on those good times rather than the bad aspects of your relationship. Acknowledging your successes will help reinforce your confidence that you can do good things with your life.

2.  Make a few goals.  You can improve your focus by planning for the next year, two or three years or five years.  If you have difficulty with that much time, plan the next 30, 60 or 90 days.  Make some plans and have something positive to work on that you will enjoy and which you can look forward to. The planning can help you change your attention away from the negativity of a divorce.

3.  Be optimistic.  Work on changing your expectations.  Instead of thinking of all the bad things that can happen, start thinking about the good things that can come your way.  You will see a lot more happy things if you are looking for them. Also, don't hang around with or talk to friends who constantly focus on how bad things are. I'm not suggesting you ignore reality, but I am suggesting you should put most of your attention on good things that are happening or which can happen. It will help make your life happier!

Going through a divorce makes you start over in many ways. You can choose a lot about your outcome in the divorce.  Make it a positive, fresh start!

Should I Wait or Can I Do it Now? A Short Quiz for People Going Through Divorce --Part 2

Many temptations come up when people are facing divorce.  Many opportunities also come up then.  Depending upon timing, some things are good ideas and others are not.

If you are facing divorce, or already involved in a divorce, here are some situations that commonly arise, along with some suggestions for you to think about when you are deciding whether to do something now or wait. 

Part 1 of this Quiz dealt with property or financial issues.  Part 2 has some financial matters, but it's more about personal relationships.


1.  Should  start dating?  NO!       That also includes:

• Don't list yourself on a singles dating web site, 

• Don't get engaged, 

• Don't have a boy friend/girl friend move in,

• Don't move in with a romantic interest, and

• Don't set a wedding date.

Those actions can cause emotional upset to your still-current spouse, which may damage relationships, slow down the divorce and make it more expensive.  They can also open additional financial issues to fight over.  It's not worth it.

2.  Should I introduce the kids to my new dating interest?  Hopefully, you're not dating while the divorce is pending.  Generally, you need to be very cautious about this.  Probably, you should wait until you have dated for at least 6 months and you should also coordinate this with your ex-spouse. Ideally, you and your ex would work with a family therapist to coordinate the timing and wording of how to make that introduction.

3.  Should I change my will or beneficiaries on insurance, retirement plans or anything else?  Normally, there will probably be a court order saying you can't make those changes.  Judges like to keep everything the way it has been.  They would probably order you to change those documents back to the way they were before you changed them. Consult with your lawyer on this, and don't do anything on your own.

4.  Is it OK if I buy gifts for my new girl friend or boy friend?  No.  I know it's not good for your new relationship, but spending community funds on a new romantic interest is always going to cause problem with your spouse and with the Judge.  At the least, the expenditure will probably be added to your column as an asset in the property division. Your spouse will be angry and less cooperative than if you had not done this. It's also possible the Judge could sanction you for violating a court order.  It's not worth the trouble that follows when you get found out, and you will get found out.

5.  Should I give away things I don't need or want?  Talk to your attorney.  The answer will likely be No! You would probably violate a court order and you would probably be disposing of community property.  Don't take a chance on it.

If you are thinking of taking some financial or relationship actions while the divorce is pending, do as our British friends would do.  Stay Calm and consult your attorney.

Should I Wait or Can I Do it Now? A Short Quiz for People Going Through Divorce --Part 1

Many temptations come up when people are facing divorce.  Many opportunities also come up then.  Depending upon timing, some things are good ideas and others are not.

If you are facing divorce, or already involved in a divorce, here are some situations that commonly arise, along with some suggestions for you to think about when you are deciding whether to do something now or wait. (Hint:  you will probably see a pattern.)

1.  Should I buy a house before the divorce is final?  If you do, it will very likely become a community asset which is subject to division in the divorce.  Title companies will usually insist on listing both you and your spouse on the deed and the mortgage company may want to bind both parties to the mortgage, including the party not getting the house.  There will be all kinds of complications.  Of course, some very good deals may go away if you don't go after them immediately.  You should certainly consult with your attorney.

2.  Should I spend large amounts of money?  If you do, you will likely be held responsible for the money and you may have to repay it or count it in your column as part of your community property when things are divided.  There will be a cost to spending the money.  Consult with your attorney.

3.  Should I make new investments?  You should be aware that the Court will probably include in the community property any new investments you make before the divorce is finalized.  That means that they will probably be considered in the mix of the property to be divided upon divorce. Even though you make the investments, they will probably be community property unless you use solely separate assets to pay for it, or they could be part separate and part community. Certainly, consult with your attorney before making any investments.

4.  Should I take a major vacation?  No.  Especially with a boy friend or girl friend. Even without the romance, your spouse may get angry that you are "wasting" assets or doing something he or she doesn't get to do. The cost of the trip will probably come from your side of the spreadsheet. It's not worth the grief. If you think you should go, please consult your attorney.

5.  Should I sell or get rid of any assets?  This is complicated.  Usually, you should avoid selling or getting rid of things unless there's a compelling financial reason to do so and unless the Court or your attorney and your spouse's attorney have both signed off on the deal.

If you are thinking of making some financial moves while the divorce is pending, do as our British friends would do.  Stay Calm and consult your attorney.

What if You Don't Like the Judge's Ruling?

When you turn your case over to a Judge for a ruling, there's about a 50-50 chance that you will be disappointed or upset by the result.  No matter how right you believe you are, the Judge may see things differently and rule against you.  After years of experience, I think I'm pretty realistic, but I still get surprised when a Judge's ruling is issued.

So,what can you do if you don't like the Judge's ruling? Here are three of my rules to think about.

Rule #1:  Don't tell the Judge.  Some people get incensed by the unfairness,  baselessness or stupidity  of the Judge's decision and they want to immediately speak up and argue with the Judge.  That works about as well as arguing with a baseball umpire or a referee in football or basketball.  It's not going to change the result and could get you thrown out of the game (held in contempt and sent to jail).  Let your attorney handle it!

Rule #2:  Be able to handle adversity.  Remember the old Rolling Stones song, "You Can't Always Get What You Want"? That's a true statement that people in the midst of a divorce often forget.  Judges have a lot of discretion on most issues in a divorce.  There are no guarantees of outcome when you go to court. Judges almost never rule 100% for one side.  Be prepared to lose some issues. If you get an adverse ruling, your lawyer can help you figure out the best way to handle it.

Rule #3:  Maybe you can still get what you need.  (Again, from the  Rolling Stones.)  You may have to make the best of the situation, and maybe that will turn out to be enough.  Usually, there's more than one way to do things and your attorney can help you figure out alternatives. Your new plan may not be as nice and easy as what you envisioned, but you can make it work.  Don't be discouraged.  Just keep thinking of other ways to meet your needs.

Generally, it's better to work out agreements outside of court.  If you get stuck and have to go to court, be prepared for things to not go your way.  Let your attorney take the lead and be willing to try new ways to meet your needs.  Good luck!

Why is it Taking so Long?

There's more to a divorce than the start and finish.

In many divorces, one party is much readier to finish the process than the spouse is.  Usually, that party has been thinking about and planning for the divorce quietly for a long time. The ready party often becomes very anxious to get through the process and start a new single life.

Unfortunately for that person, the spouse can really slow down the process by requesting counseling, doing extensive discovery, having multiple hearings and by refusing to agree on things.  The party in a hurry gets frustrated by how slow the process moves and that's understandable, but basically unavoidable.

Aside from the actions a spouse may take to intentionally slow down the process, there are a number of requirements or actions that typically put the brakes on any attempt to speed through a divorce. Here are some to keep in mind.

1.  Time must pass.  There is a 60-day waiting period in Texas and some sort of waiting period in most states. The petition for divorce must be on file with the court for at least two months before a divorce can be granted.  In addition, if you want to finish right after the 60 days is up, you need to have an agreement with your spouse.  That requires a spouse who is emotionally and financially ready to finalize the divorce, and that doesn't always happen right away.

2. Temporary arrangements are set up.  In most cases, temporary orders are set up by agreement or by going to court.  Experienced attorneys can pretty well figure out what you can get in a given court -- most judges have some standard rules and provisions.  One way or another, temporary orders usually are established for the benefit and protection of both parties.

3. Transitions are planned.  This may take place with the temporary orders, but there are a number of other transitional issues to cover.  The parties need to understand that their lives are changing and one or both will need financial help and time to set up separate households, possibly make career changes and deal with how to share their children.  One may have to go back to school.  Sometimes it's hard to find a job. Courts usually try to provide some help to the disadvantaged party on a temporary basis.

4. Information must be gathered.  This can be done formally through written discovery and depositions, or informally by requesting and receiving an documents that either party wants to see.  It's really helpful to prepare a spreadsheet with the assets and liabilities.  It's also pretty standard to get an Inventory and Appraisement from each party.  It's a formal, sworn statement listing the assets and liabilities in great detail.  An Inventory gets both parties to think carefully about what they have and may reduce the temptation to hide assets.

5.  Creating a strategy.  You need to come up with a strategy for a satisfactory conclusion.  Figure out what you want to end up with and you should try to imagine what your spouse will likely want.  Your strategy should allow both your and your spouse's needs to be met, if you want to settle. That sometimes takes a lot of creativity and some time.

6. Planning to settle.  Almost every divorce settles, so you need to figure out how and when that can happen. Sometimes, settlements come from informal negotiations over time.  That's usually when both parties are fairly rational and both are motivated to get the divorce over with. In more difficult cases, mediation is used and that is a very successful process.  If agreement can't be reached informally or at mediation, then the case is set for court.  Even then, many cases will settle at the courthouse, either just before trial or during trial.  Very few cases go all the way through trial. Of course, your case could be the rare one!

7.  Allow time for paperwork.  Unfortunately, just reaching an agreement is not enough.  After that necessary step, there's still a lot to be done.  A decree of divorce must be prepared and sometimes negotiated.  In some cases, we use an additional agreement incident to divorce to include provisions we don't want in the public record.When there's a retirement account to be divided, we prepare a qualified domestic relations order (QDRO).,  There are deeds, powers of attorney and various other documents to be prepared as well.  Many times it takes 3-4 weeks to get the paperwork drafted, negotiated and signed, and it can take longer if there are serious disagreements.

Every divorce is different.  You may have a friend or a friend of a friend who got a quick divorce in a couple of months, but don't assume that yours will go as smoothly.  That is a very rare exception. Talk to your lawyer at the outset about your hopes and expectations.  Your lawyer can help you get a fairly realistic idea of what your case might entail, but initial thoughts are subject to revision several times as you go through a divorce.  As things change, don't be surprised if you timeline changes.

Please try to be patient.

Great Expectations: What Do You Have in Mind?

A lot of people contact my office to find out what they can get in a divorce.  That's such a broad question, it's hard to answer.  I normally respond with another question:  What do you want? As a starting point, I think it's better to focus on what's important to you and to not waste time on things you don't care about.

One skill I have learned (one of many, actually) from Collaborative Law is to really focus on my client's needs, interests and goals from the outset.  While some attorneys still prefer to take charge and tell their client what to go after and how to do it, I like to start by finding out what's truly important to my client.  That often involves digging down below the surface to understand why different issue and outcomes may be important.  I don't just make a superficial list.  I work with my client to make sure important and relevant goals are what we are seeking.

Here are some typical approaches we often hear.

1.  For some people, I hear that they want to get the divorce over with as cheaply as possible.  While I believe in handling a case in as cost-efficient a manner as possible, divorces with significant issues involving children or assets are rarely cheap.  Unless both parties are determined to agree on everything and not fight, there will be significant expenses.  There are ways to cut down on some expenses, especially in discovery and in having multiple hearings, but you have to weigh the need for information or court direction versus the cost involved.  In general, you should have discussions with your attorney at the outset and throughout the case about the fees so you are  informed about the amounts being charged and the need for the attorney activities.

2.  In a related vein, clients will sometimes want to get the divorce over with as quickly as possible. That is often a bad idea.  It is usually accompanied by major concessions by the party in a hurry and sometimes shortcuts are taken where discovery isn't fully developed to make the other party confirm some facts or issues.  The result either way is usually the party in a hurry comes out on the short end of the stick.

3. Some people are most interested in getting certain assets or outcomes.  That could be determining that financial support will be necessary for a while post divorce.  It could mean that certain retirement assets are important because the client will not be in a position to build up such an account in the future.  The important issue could be getting as much time with the kids as possible.  When there are significant issues like those, a party should probably not be looking to take a standard solution or just let the Judge decide. If you are in this situation, remember not to tip your hand and let your spouse know how important the issue is to you.  It could put you at a disadvantage in negotiating.

4.  Having a friendly, respectful divorce is very important to some people.  That might lead to using Collaborative Law.  If not, it is still sometimes possible to have a friendly divorce if both parties and the attorneys want to do so.

5.  Some clients want to take a business-like approach to divorce.  They want to cover all the bases and do things right.  They are methodical and not too emotionally involved.  That can be a very good way to proceed, but it's hard to take the emotion out.  If both parties want that approach, it can be very calm and efficient.  If one party is emotional and angry (yes, it happens sometimes!), it makes it hard to deal with everything like a business decision.

6.  Unfortunately, sometimes one party wants to punish the other party.  While there is usually good reason on some level for that attitude, the result is usually delay and a great deal more cost.  It is generally a waste of time and money, but a lot of attorneys won't explain that.  I prefer not to get involved in that approach because it costs the client more, doesn't usually improve the outcome (especially considering the extra attorney's fees involved) and in the end, both parties are unhappy.

7.  Some people will say that they want a certain outcome "as a matter of principle".  They will often say they don't care what the cost is.  Unfortunately, the cost usually becomes a factor and those people end up very upset because of how expensive the divorce has become and how little they got out of the divorce.  It almost never ends happily. When people start talking about principle, they need to pause and think about it and what the principle may cost them.  It's a good discussion to have with their attorney at the outset.

An attorney who tries to control the divorce case often has problems because the attorney makes a number of assumptions which may not match up with the client's needs and expectations.  If you are looking for an attorney, I recommend that you find one who will listen to you and help you define and pursue your specific needs and interests. Listen to the attorney if he/she says your objective may be a bad or costly idea. You will be much happier with the result. 

Why are Divorce Outcomes Different in "Similar" Cases?

When people go through divorces, they usually turn to family and friends for comfort and support.  That's normally good. However, when family and friends also give advice about how to handle the legal issues, there's usually trouble.  Non-lawyers often find it easy to assume that what is true in one person's divorce will also be true in their divorce. And that's usually NOT true!

If you are going through, or are about to go through, a divorce and you are hearing "legal" advice from family and friends, here are some reasons why the advice will probably be wrong.

1.  Beause the facts and circumstances were probably different from your situation.  Some factors that may influence the outcome include:

• Responsibility for the problems.  The outcome can be influenced by one party being primarily responsible for a major problem, such as wasting money or other assets, having an affair or being uncooperative and causing problems regarding the kids, for example.
• Length of marriage.  The shorter the marriage, usually the less spousal support is ordered.
• Actual earnings and earning potential.  If both spouses make similar wages, there probably won't be much support exchanged.  If there is a big difference in earnings, there may be support.
• Children or no children.  That changes the issues and sometimes the resources that can be divided.  Having children also adds a number of potential issues.
• The type and extent of assets.  That has a big effect on how and how much is divided. Bills could be paid and cash could be distributed, if there is cash or cash flow.  If not, finances will be tight.
• Health.  If one or both parties have health issues, that will probably affect the responsibilities they have and the assets to be divided.
• Education of the parties.  More education usually will lead to better jobs and income.  Less education is often associated with less income.  That may have an effect on how the assets are divided.

         There are many other possible facts and circumstances that vary from case to case which will affect the outcomes.

2.  Being in a different court, with a different Judge, may mean a difference in which issues are important.  For example, some Judges will overlook adultery, while others make it a central, determinative issue that greatly affects the division of property.  Each Judge has different hot buttons and focuses on different issues.

3.  Willingness of one party to accept less can have a huge effect. Often, one party is much more anxious to get the divorce over with than the other is.  The more anxious party often will agree to many more concessions than the other party will.

4.  Lack of money can also determine the outcome.  While Judges try to equalize the funds for attorneys usually, it doesn't always work out that way.  Usually the deeper pockets will be able to come out better.

5. Different attorneys approach things differently.  Two attorneys, like Judges, will often see the same case with different issues and outcomes.  One attorney may try to max out the recovery while a different attorney will focus on getting a reasonable amount of assets without breaking the bank or without causing damage to family relationships.

There are always 2 or 3 or a dozen ways to handle a given case.  Don't assume that your case will come out a certain based on how a "similar" case you heard about was resolved.

Instead, hire an attorney you are comfortable with and come to an understanding about how you will approach the case, and then work to stay on target.  Come up with your own plan instead of assuming that the result is predetermined!