A Fresh Start

There are a lot of difficult and unpleasant aspects to divorce.  How's that for an understatement?

But, you can work to make something positive about divorce.  In any marriage, there are positives and negatives. During a divorce, the negatives become the focus and it's often hard to see anything good coming out of it.

The longer you stay in the negatives, the more depressing a divorce can become. The solution is to shift gears and change your focus, which is often easier said than done.

Here are three little tips to help you start your divorce and post-divorce life in a better direction.

1.  Remember what went well during your marriage. Sometimes, it's hard to remember anything positive, but you should be able to with a little effort.  Maybe there were some fun family events or travel, or maybe you learned some fun or useful skills. Maybe you helped someone else.  Whatever it was, it will help you now to focus on those good times rather than the bad aspects of your relationship. Acknowledging your successes will help reinforce your confidence that you can do good things with your life.

2.  Make a few goals.  You can improve your focus by planning for the next year, two or three years or five years.  If you have difficulty with that much time, plan the next 30, 60 or 90 days.  Make some plans and have something positive to work on that you will enjoy and which you can look forward to. The planning can help you change your attention away from the negativity of a divorce.

3.  Be optimistic.  Work on changing your expectations.  Instead of thinking of all the bad things that can happen, start thinking about the good things that can come your way.  You will see a lot more happy things if you are looking for them. Also, don't hang around with or talk to friends who constantly focus on how bad things are. I'm not suggesting you ignore reality, but I am suggesting you should put most of your attention on good things that are happening or which can happen. It will help make your life happier!

Going through a divorce makes you start over in many ways. You can choose a lot about your outcome in the divorce.  Make it a positive, fresh start!

Tuesday Tips: Death and Taxes

On April 15, it's easy to remember the old saying that the only things certain in life are death and taxes.


Maybe it's also a good time to remember why people get married (other than the more favorable tax treatment!).  If you are married, talk to your spouse today, or any day or everyday, about why you're glad you're married.  You might get a nice dividend!

Divorce Over 50: Breaking Free

Divorce after a long-term marriage requires a lot of adjustments.   All the legal changes, living arrangements, family connections, financial uncertainty and a myriad of other issues can be overwhelming.  It all comes down to one word:  change.

Change can be very difficult for many people, especially at a time when they are looking for something to hold onto.  The reaction for some people is to slow down or shut down, to try to make the world move slower.  It's easier to understand things if they change slowly.

Some people will take slowing down to an extreme and will try to do nothing while they process what's going on and what they will need to do.  Sometimes, it's easier to hunker down and stay home in a quiet safe environment.  That can give people time to emotionally catch up with what's happening legally.

But, becoming immobilized can be dangerous over the long run.  If you find yourself in this situation, you cannot adequately take care of your own needs.  You can stay home and avoid people for a while, but soon, you will have to get on with your life. 

What if you get stuck in a rut and can't figure how to get out?  Here are some tips to help you break free of the physical and emotional paralysis that can easily overtake someone dealing with intense personal changes.

1.  Go outside.  Get some fresh air.  Take a walk.  Go to the mall.  Shop without spending money --just look.  Move around in public.  Don't be isolated.

2.  Exercise.  Join and use a gym.  Run, bike, climb or walk.  Getting exercise will have lots of benefits, from mental alertness to losing weight to meeting new people.

3.  Hang out at a coffee shop with a friend.  You can look around and take turns making up the life stories of the other people hanging out there.

4.  Go to a modern art gallery or museum.  Look for some art that you can understand or like.   If you already like modern art, go to a gallery or museum with some other type of art that you may not appreciate.  Have some fun with it.

5.  Go see a live play.  If you regularly go already, pick out a  theater that's a different type than what you usually attend.  Bonus points if you go with a friend and discuss the play afterwards.

6.  Go listen to a different genre of music.  Go hear classical music, if you don't usually listen to it, or go hear blues, country, reggae, bluegrass or something else you aren't familiar with.

7.  Fly somewhere on a whim.  Take a weekend trip on a "last-minute" special.  Go see a friend or a place you have been meaning to see.

8.  Help a friend with a problem.  You'll be amazed at how much that will help you.

9.  Try an activity from your youth.  Go dancing, swimming, boating, bowling or playing miniature golf, if you haven't done so for years.  You'll feel younger and act younger.

10.  Try an unusual restaurant.  Go to one that serves a different type of food than you are used to.  Expand your tastes.  Tell your waiter that it's your first time and you need some help and suggestions.

If you are a Baby Boomer exiting a long-term marriage, you need to expand your horizons.  You have a lot of choices and opportunities ahead of you.  To get a jump start, try some of these ideas.  Have some fun!

P.S.  If you have some suggestions, please send us a Comment (below).

Overcoming a Friday the 13th!

Divorce is usually a tough process emotionally, so it's sorta like piling on to be going through a divorce, or any other litigation, and also have to deal with a Friday the 13th!

One of my favorite blogs is the Positivity Blog  and they have a post today that doesn't mention Friday the 13th, but it seems like it would be good medicine for someone having a tough day.  By the way, I think their ideas would also work on other days, but psychologically, some people may really worry about a Friday the 13th.  If you're one of those, here are some quick ideas for trying something a little different to just shake up your life.

If you're just going through a divorce or other litigation, and you're having a hard time, these little steps might help get you out of a funk.  Do something different and see if you feel better!

• Try listening to some music that you don't normally listen to on your iPod or whatever music source you use.  Try classical, blues, classic rock, country, bluegrass, zydeco or some other type that you don't usually tune in to.  You might really enjoy a little variety.

• Try eating a different kind of food if you go out to eat.  Most people get in a rut and eat the same type of food whenever they eat out.  Surprise yourself and your taste buds!

• If you cook, try a new recipe at least once a week.

• For a day, smile at everyone you see.  They may wonder why you are smiling, and they may ask, but that's not a bad way to start a conversation.  You'll notice a friendly response from most people.

• Stay off the Internet for a weekend.  Go no tech.  You will survive and you may discover an  interesting  new world co-existing with the electronic world.

If you have some tricks to beat the blues or break a bad luck streak, send us a comment.  Otherwise, have a good time today in spite of it being Friday the 13th!

How to Save Money in a Divorce

Divorce and other family law issues really are tightly connected to emotions. They are obviously very personal and usually involve some hurt feelings. People do go through stages of grief when a relationship ends, and that makes it tough for a while for most people to operate effectively. Some people, however, have anger issues that make it almost impossible for them to function rationally in some situations. The anger may be triggered by financial consequences of their situation, or by perceived slights or the loss of relationships. Others are upset because of new responsibilities they must assume, or by their loss of assets they worked hard for, or maybe just by change itself.

Whatever the cause, it is often difficult to deal with family law issues on a rational basis. Because of anger or other emotional issues, people have trouble dealing with the big picture and often end up focusing on small details. Some people keep score, tracking their wins and losses as if every action were equal to every other action.

Even though many people do not understand this, family law cases are not competitions. It is possible for both parties to win or to lose in a divorce. If you add in children, both parents and the children can all win or lose. It is not necessarily a situation where there must be one winner and one loser. If you operate on a minute level and agonize over how to split the pots and pans, then you can have a "winner" and a "loser" regarding who ends up with the 6-inch sauce pan. On the other hand, if there is a focus on providing two homes with some pots and pans, keeping in mind that they are replaceable, it is possible for both sides to have an adequate set to start.

On an often more emotional issue, paying child support, how the parents approach the issue makes a huge difference with satisfaction in the outcome. If they have a common goal of providing adequate support from both parents to keep the child's standard of living as similar as possible to the pre-divorce standard, the parents can probably make an agreement that's satisfying or acceptable to both sides.

Some people start keeping score and believe that their case is a disaster if some rulings by a judge go against them. Some people will start to see a trend when two or three small issues don't go their way. Rational people know that they will win some and lose some, and that not all issues are as important as others.

The Lessons

1. You can waste a lot of money focusing on the small things. If you insist that your attorney fight over every small thing, it will be expensive. It's easy for an attorney to stay busy preparing letters and pleadings, making phone calls, and negotiating over pots and pans or small sums of money. (It's not fun for the attorneys, but it's easy.) In reality, you are better off financially putting your time and money into achieving your higher level objectives, such as getting an adequate share of the retirement assets, providing funds to pay for your child's college expenses or getting the house sold so each party can purchase their own home, for examples.

2. Fighting over the small stuff unnecessarily increases your stress level. Stress isn't good for you, but many people ignore that and plunge right into battles over minutiae. It's not worth damaging your health over small issues. It's easy to get lost in a jungle of small, but intertwined, issues, and you can easily get stressed out, if you're not careful.

3. If your attorney tells you to focus on the big picture, that's good advice. Your attorney is more objective than you and is in a better position to judge whether you have gotten bogged down in the less important issues. It's easy to get distracted and get off course, so pay attention to your attorney. If you have a vague feeling that things aren't going your way and you aren't "winning" enough, please talk to your attorney about it. Your attorney should be able to help you keep things in perspective.

You know the old saying about not being able to see the forest for the trees. There is a lot of truth to that. It can be costly and stressful if you get off track and don't focus on the big issues. You're a lot better off financially and health-wise if you look at the big picture instead of letting yourself be distracted by smaller issues.

Dealing with Depression

I'm no therapist, but...

Unfortunately, depression seems to be becoming more common-place during holidays, especially when there's a divorce or other family law procedure pending or recently completed.

The fact that depression isn't discussed much in most divorce and family law cases doesn't mean that it's not a significant factor in many situations. When people think about, or discuss, how people act during a divorce, it's very common for one or both parties to be described as angry. Sometimes more colorful terms, often describing personality disorders, are tossed about. But aggressive actions by a party often mask an underlying depression.

Depression is an under-treated condition that is actually pretty common in divorces. At different times, almost everyone going through a divorce will experience feelings of depression. The good news is that it's not necessarily a permanent condition and there are some things you can do to minimize or avoid depression.

Health.com recently had an excellent article entitled "10 No Cost Strategies to Fight Depression". The article wasn't about divorce, but I thought the suggestions were excellent (but remember that I'm no therapist...) and they could very easily apply to the divorce context. Here's what they suggested:

• Don't blame yourself.
  
• Talk about it.
• Get regular exercise.
• Postpone major decisions.
• Take care of your health.
• Maintain a daily routine.
• Eat a healthy diet.
• Avoid drugs and alcohol.
• Try to sleep well.
• Don't overschedule.

I would add a corollary: If you think you may be depressed, please tell your lawyer so that s/he can either help you find a counselor or can work out a strategy to compensate for the issue.

The suggestions sound pretty simple, but it is sometimes hard to admit that you are depressed and it may be hard to put aside anger so that you can think rationally. If you sense you are experiencing some symptoms of depression, get help. Seeing a real therapist (not me), staying physically active and maintaining good health can get you started on the road to recovery. Depression usually won't go away by itself. If you avoid treating your depression, it can overcome you and cost you a lot in your divorce or other family law matter. When and if you are depressed, you probably aren't functioning very well and others, maybe including a judge, will notice, and that can affect the outcome of your case.

By the way, even if you aren't depressed and even if you aren't involved in a court case, following the 10 suggestions above will still benefit you by allowing you to be happier and healthier.

If you know of any other effective ways to deal with depression, please add a comment below.

How to Be Alone During Family Transitions

As Monty Python used to say, and now for something completely different. Today's post is not "legal" information. It's more from the "counselor at law" portion of my work.

Aside from the changes in your legal status, divorce brings a lot of emotional changes and most people have to learn how to start over in some ways. A problem I have seen over and over, with all kinds of clients, is the rebound relationship. Some people have trouble being alone and not being part of a relationship.

I recently saw a video poem about being alone and I thought it had a lot of good ideas. If you are experiencing a change in relationships, the following video might be very helpful for you.

Hopefully, the video will help with those times when your spouse or significant other, or your children, are not around and you are alone. It is just temporary, but it can be difficult if you are not prepared and you aren't used to being alone.

I thought the video was excellent -- let me know what you think.

The Unhappiness Gap

It seems that James J. Gross, in the Maryland Divorce Legal Crier, has an almost limitless supply of relevant, analytical and often encouraging comments about family relationships. Last week, he published the following suggestions that can be useful for people facing divorce or for people wanting to avoid a divorce.

"A recent study concludes that a happiness gap between spouses is a harbinger of divorce. It goes further to state that the odds of divorce increase if the wife is unhappier than the husband, because women file more divorces than men. Here are my two best tips for managing unhappiness, in marriage or divorce.

"1. Make a Grateful List. It is easy to look at the glass half full. It is human nature to always want more than we have. And your brain will keep pumping out negative thoughts as long as you dwell on what you don’t have instead of what you do have. An antidote for this is to write down all the things in your life that you are grateful for. Read this list out loud every morning.

"2. Keep a Good Things Notebook. Get a small spiral notebook. At the end of each day, write down all the good things that happened to you that day. Someone smiled at you or complimented your outfit. Keep it simple and short. Try to find at least five things a day."

I heard similar suggestions from a life coach in Texas several years ago, but I like trying out these ideas in the context of a marriage. Actually, they are probably not a magic shield that can protect you from divorce if you wait to try them out when there are serious relationship issues. If adopted and used regularly and early on, they can probably provide a lot of preventive benefit.

On the other hand, if you find yourself facing a divorce or deciding to pursue a divorce, following these suggestions should help ease your pain and assist in your emotional transition to single person. While it would obviously be helpful to the "leavee" (the one being left), a focus on the positive could certainly benefit the "leaver" (the one deciding to leave the relationship)as well. If nothing else, the emphasis on the "good" aspects of the situation should help avoid the often depressing situation of sitting around thinking about how bad the situation is.

There's not much work involved in following the suggestions. Please give them a try and then let us know if it helped.

Recipe for a Happy Divorce

In looking around the blogosphere recently, I ran across an uplifting blog post by Marie Fahnert, a Chicago divorce lawyer. She provides a "Recipe for a Happy Divorce". While no one can guarantee the outcome of a divorce, or even how the process will work out, she presents some points that strike me as eminently do-able, even if they would take some effort. I believe that if people going through a divorce gave her approach a try, they would have a much better experience going through a divorce.

Here's what Marie had to say:

"Maintaining happiness (or some semblance of it) through your divorce might not be as difficult as you think. According to scientists, the following things make us happy:

1. Virtues: Our sense of wisdom, justice, compassion for others,
2. Gratitude: Appreciating what we have and expressing it to ourselves and others,
3. Savoring: Enjoying the moment and taking time to smell the roses,
4. Engagement: Being in our activities for the experience of it ("being in the zone"),
5. Living a meaningful life: Doing things for others and helping others.

"Studies of the Danish (the happiest people on earth) show that low expectations also make us happy. If our expectations are low, then we become happy when things go unexpectedly well. Also, Denmark's social safety net ensures people the basic necessities of life.

"How can you go through a "happy" divorce?

1. Remember that you are in control of the things that make you happy (see 1-5 above).
2. Approach the divorce—and the associated child-custody, division of property, maintenance issues—with realistic expectations.
3. Reach an agreement with your spouse and litigate as few things as possible. This will save you money and—like the Danish—you won't have to worry about the basic necessities of life."

This post is very timely because I always notice an increase in filings for divorce just after the first of the year. For various reasons, people put off filing until after the holidays, and then the divorce season gets into full swing. If you or someone you know is facing a divorce, please take the time to incorporate Marie's ideas into your life. Divorce is naturally stressful and unpleasant. If you can reduce that unpleasantness, your efforts will be well rewarded.