Are "Sleep Overs" Allowed?

Fans of the just-ended series, Boston Legal, will remember the silly question that Alan and Denny frequently asked, "Sleep over?". On that show, it was often part of the end of the episode banter between the two lawyers. If you enjoyed the unusual humor of the show, you probably chuckled when the question came up.

In real life, the sleep over question comes up sometimes in post-divorce relationships where there are minor children still in the home. Sam Hasler, who writes an excellent blog called Sam Hasler's Indiana Divorce & Family Law Blog, had a recent post about the sleep over issue in Indiana and how their new visitation schedule will deal with the issue.

The issue still arises in Texas when a parent begins a relationship with someone new and wants to have the new romantic partner spend the night when the children are present. Our standard visitation schedule doesn't address the problem. There is actually no absolute answer to the question in Texas. Most often, it comes down to what the local judge will permit and the judge will have a lot of latitude to decide. There are, of course, moral issues which are paramount and clear cut for some people. Others may not hold the same moral position and that's where the courts come in.

If you are not dealing with this as a moral issue, the bottom line becomes what's in the children's best interest. Most judges, in Tarrant County at least, discourage ("prohibit") sleep overs until the parent is married to the new person, although that can vary a little based on the children's ages and the length of the relationship with the new adult. Some judges and child specialists will recommend not even bringing around a new paramour until the parent has been dating that person for 6 months to a year. Some parents will be impatient with that, but it normally will be in the children's best interest to avoid bringing a variety of new prospective step-parents.

Sometimes the court will explicitly order no sleep overs. Even without such an order, parents should think twice about bringing strangers around their children and keep in mind how confusing and upsetting the experience may be for the children. If regular visitation is taking place, or if time is being split pretty equally (which is getting to be more common), there will be plenty of opportunities for the parent to pursue dating activities with one or more adults without the children present. When the parent has the children, it's probably going to be better to focus on the children instead of splitting one's attention between the children and a boy/girlfriend.

If you think about what's best for the children, instead of just what would be more fun for you, the answer is pretty easy. What do you think?

Why You Should Wait to Date -- Part 2

Many months ago, I wrote a post about the advisability of waiting until after the divorce is final to start dating. That post is still frequently being read because it is a perennial issue. Lately, another good reason has come up reinforcing the point that you should wait to date until you are divorced. Two words: public humiliation.

In a recent series of events, a politician running for public office in South Carolina apparently got involved with a woman who was going through a divorce. Ben Stevens, in his South Carolina Family Law Blog, wrote about a Spartanburg City Council candidate who has an angry man driving around town with a big sign on his pickup truck naming names and accusing the candidate of adultery. The candidate denies the claim, but he has to be very embarrassed and probably will be hurt when the votes are totaled. If the angry man's wife had waited until she was divorced before she started dating, that trouble might have been completely avoided.

Although dating was not the triggering event, the recent You Tube rant by an angry New York wife shows another possible venue for embarrassing a wandering spouse. She will surely not be the last spouse to utilize the internet for revenge.

In the Information Age, there are more and more ways to hurt and embarrass someone, so people going through a divorce should be very careful with their behavior. As much as people hate to hear this, it is still advisable not to date until the divorce is final. There can be legal consequences that may affect the outcome of the case,but the results of emotional reactions can be even worse.

Why You Should Wait to Date

Although there are newer and sometimes more interesting words to describe the activity, “dating” is still an issue in divorces. Problems can occur in two different arenas: in the emotional relationship with your spouse and in the legal system.

The simplest, although not necessarily the easiest, way to avoid problems is to not date before the divorce is final.

Many people seem to think that once they separate or file for divorce or once they have been separated for a period of time, it’s OK to date. Once people decide to leave a bad relationship, they often will consider dating for a variety of reasons, including, fun, companionship, romance, revenge, to enjoy freedom from the current spouse, or to battle loneliness.

Perceptive people often realize that dating another person while the divorce is pending may make their spouse really angry. It may not be a rational response by the spouse – it usually isn’t – but who said divorces were rational situations? People going through divorces are rarely rational. Jealousy and anger are often inflamed when a party discovers their spouse has been or is dating. Allegations of “adultery” carry an emotional punch and can lead to the friends and allies of the victim adding to the fire. Getting a spouse really angry over an emotional issue such as adultery almost inevitably makes negotiations much more difficult and severely reduces the possibility of cooperation and settlement.

In Texas, adultery can have legal consequences as well. If proven, adultery can be the basis for the court to award an unequal division of property favoring the victim of the indiscretion. It can also become a factor in a custody case, depending on how the dating impacts on children.

In his posting, “Divorce Preparation: Step 13 - Be Good”, based on a posting in the Alabama Family Law Blog, Grant Griffiths (Kansas Family and Divorce Lawyer) explains clearly how a variety of social activities, including old-fashioned dating or group activities or parties, can have negative consequences in a divorce. Exercising, enjoying time with children and/or focusing on getting one’s life in order are better alternatives for the time period before a divorce is final.

Grant’s advice – to Be Good – is the perfect understatement. In so many ways, it is both a solution to problems and the key to avoiding problems. Self-restraint, delayed gratification or maturity, whatever you call it – Be Good and you will avoid a lot of problems.