How to Speed up Your Divorce

One of the most common questions clients have for their attorneys is how to speed up their divorce or other court case. This is very understandable since a family law case is usually unpleasant, expensive and slow-moving. It would be nice if there were some quick, easy answers to help speed things up. Unfortunately, there's no easy solution. However, even though there are no guarantees, but here are some things you can do to help the process.

• Be agreeable. That includes trying to be agreeable on issues, plans and solutions. Remember that you can't make the other party be reasonable, and let's not even think about "fair" (fair is in the eyes of the beholder). You should do your best to adapt and compromise. If you can't agree to what the other insists on, you should probably just plan to wait for the court date in the future.

• Be available. Make this case your priority and work your schedule around the court. It may not be convenient, but you may have to be inconvenienced if you want to speed up the process. Part of this is getting your preparation done in a timely manner so that you and your attorney can be ready for discussions or court. If you want your attorney to do all the work, it will cost you more time and money.

• Avoid fights with the other party. In a family law case, each side usually knows what will set off the other party. Honestly, you may feel some spark of vindication or something else if you take advantage of an opportunity to say something or to respond to provocation from the other side, but those exchanges usually escalate and the result is anger which makes it hard to settle the case. No settlement = a slower process. You can choose between fleeting gratification or a faster way to end the case.

• Figure out what motivates the other side and try to accommodate it. If you can come up with an agreement that meets the needs of the other side, you have a much better chance to achieve a quick resolution. Both sides always evaluation a proposal in terms of "what's in it for me?". If there's nothing, there's no agreement and you end up waiting for court.

These suggestions may seem very simple, but it's amazing how often people do just the opposite. If the suggestions don't work, there's still one more thing to do.

• As a last resort, set court dates. As much as I hate to recommend it, sometimes you have to have a deadline to force the other side to act. You can schedule various steps along the way to increase activity: temporary orders hearings, modification hearing, enforcement hearing, etc. Sometimes, you can get agreement finalized just by getting everyone to the courthouse on some small aspect of the case.

Caveat: You should avoid letting the other side know that you are anxious or desperate to get the case concluded. If they find out, it gives them a huge edge in negotiating because they can hold out for more and you will need to make concessions to get an early agreement. Be sure to keep a poker face as you try to speed things up!

Settlements: Curb the Enthusiasm

For most people going through a divorce, the concept of someone being overly generous in settlement just doesn't compute. Most of the time, each side fights to get their fair share of the assets. What often happens in litigated divorces (in contrast to Collaborative divorces) is that each party stakes out opposite positions and usually makes extreme demands for settlement. That usually leads to protracted fighting, unhappiness on both sides and high attorney fees.

Sometimes, though, while one side is anxiously figuring out how to end up with at least enough to meet their minimum needs, the other side starts making concessions and ends up being incredibly generous. There are several possible reasons for the generosity:

• Guilt. The most common reason is that one party feels guilty because of an affair or because of broken promises or because of how the decision to divorce affects the spouse and/or children.

• Desire to be helpful. Although rare, sometimes a party has genuine feelings of concern for the other party and wants to make sure s/he is well taken care of.

• Desire to finish the divorce quickly. One side realizes that if s/he is generous and gives in on most everything, there won't be anything left to fight over and the divorce can be granted right away. Similarly, not making the spouse angry means that the spouse may be more willing to sign off on a final agreement.

• Hope that the parties will reconcile and get back together if a party is "nice" or "fair" to the other one. This occurs where one party is pretty much out the door (emotionally) when they tell their spouse that they want the divorce. The "leavee" sometimes will try to fix things by being generous and to show good faith.

• Guilt. This is such a common reason that it's listed twice.

Sometimes, the strategies work, but sometimes they don't. When things don't work out well, there can be significant problems. Here are some cautions to keep in mind when developing your strategy for settling cases.

1. Be careful that you don't create a hardship on yourself by being overly generous. Be realistic. Don't assume that everything will go smoothly. Leave some "wiggle room" for yourself in case your circumstances change in the future.

2. When you want to be generous to try to win back your spouse, consider the fact that your spouse may have already found a new special person and may be ready to jump into a new and public relationship once the divorce is final. There have been many cases where a spouse took a generous settlement and immediately married someone else.

3. If you are in a hurry to start up a relationship with your own new partner, keep in mind that most rebound relationships don't last. Don't give away the farm just so you can be with your new heartthrob.

4. Just being generous now won't heal fundamental relationship problems between you and your spouse. To try to overcome past problems, you and your spouse need to start with a serious commitment to counseling.

5. If you have children, remember that both parents need to be able to be active parents with homes for the children. Giving all the assets to one parent really handicaps the parenting ability of the other parent. The kids need relationships with both parents.

The result in many cases from being overly generous in settlement is major regrets. How can you avoid that outcome?

• First, approach this, as much as possible, as a business deal and look out for your own interests as well the interests of the other parties.
  

• Second, listen to your attorney and develop options with your attorney to use in settlement discussions. Money spent on creating sound negotiation strategies is money well spent.

• Third, think long term. Come up with a plan that makes sense for the long term. You have to be able to operate in the immediate future, but you should look beyond that and plan ahead.
  

5 Tips -- If You Think it Will be Amicable

Many people contact me and say they want to have an amicable divorce or child support or visitation modification agreement. They understand the benefits that come from avoiding the negativity that often accompanies litigation. They don't want unnecessary work done and want to hold down the financial cost. Truth be told, they would probably prefer to have just one attorney represent both parties, but I always explain that can't be done. (It would be a conflict of interest for the attorney and it would violate our disciplinary rules.)

Generally, the best way to have an amicable legal proceeding is to use Collaborative Law. That process keeps the parties out of court, provides the means for thoughtful and creative decision-making and utilizes the tools necessary to accomplish the objectives of the parties. Each party would have his/her own attorney (trained in Collaborative Law), but the attorneys are focused on reaching an agreement that meets the needs of both parties. The attorneys are not concerned with following all the traditional steps of discovery, pretrial motions and hearings, depositions, etc. that are expensive and often are used to just wear down one of the parties. The Collaborative process involves gathering information informally, but using experts to help evaluate it, and then going through a brainstorming process that is effective in developing options and allowing the parties to come to agreements on their best outcomes.

Unfortunately, Collaborative Law isn't always an option. The most common reason, for now, is that one of the attorneys is not trained in Collaborative Law. Sometimes, one of the parties isn't convinced that Collaborative is the way to go. Whatever the reason, the parties in a family law matter sometimes want an amicable process, but don't utilize Collaborative Law. For that situation, I have the following five tips to help them work together peacefully and effectively.

1. Be prepared by gathering needed information. If this is a divorce, make copies of the essential financial records. I don't suggest that you grab and hold all the financial records. That would be taken as a sign of an uncooperative attitude, even if you really intended to share the information. In non-divorce cases, there will be other information needed, such as income and expense records, school records, health records, etc. It will save time later if you gather up the needed information early on.

2. Choose your attorney carefully. You should probably explain what you want to do and make sure your lawyer is comfortable with that approach. Some lawyers insist on following the same game plan for every case, even if you don't want to take certain steps. If you don't feel like the attorney will do what you want done, then talk to other attorneys. There are plenty of good attorneys and you should only hire one who fits your needs.

3. Expect difficulties. Remember that even if both parties say they want an amicable case, there will still be disagreements. There can be amicable disagreements that can be resolved when there are attorneys (and maybe other professionals) who are skilled negotiators. What you want to avoid is working with someone whose answer to conflict is, "If they won't do what we want, we'll just take it to court and let the judge decide." That's not amicable and that's probably not what either party is looking for. There are plenty of ways of resolving difficult questions without going to court, if your attorney is willing to work on it.

4. Be willing to accept helpful suggestions from your attorney. I have had people come in and tell me that they have everything worked out and they just want me to prepare a document for them. I can do that, but I feel compelled to point out problems and potential issues whenever I spot them. Attorneys will make suggestions for slight wording changes that can clarify an order and help avoid confusion and conflict later. Attorneys can sometimes point out potential tax or financial issues and help you save money and avoid problems. Attorneys often know of ways to do things to more easily accomplish what you want done. You should listen to your attorney and be open to considering implementing his/her suggestions.

5. Don't let the attorneys pressure you into using the standard ways of doing things unless you completely agree. This is the corollary to point #4. You need to listen to the attorneys, but sometimes you should disagree. Doing something just because it's the standard way of doing something is not good enough. The attorney should be able to explain better reasons or benefits for any proposed changes.

If you follow these five tips, you should be able to work out solutions amicably in family law matters. Keep in mind the possibility of using Collaborative Law to get the best results.

If You Want to Settle Right Away...

In about half my cases, my client is anxious to get the divorce over with as soon as possible. That may be true because of a new significant other, a desire for a fresh start, being tired of his/her spouse, or countless other reasons. Sometimes, a party to a divorce becomes so anxious to finish the divorce that they will concede almost everything. Even with that attitude, sometimes it's hard to move quickly to a conclusion. Many times, though, a party wants the divorce to be completed right away, but remains unrealistic about how to reach an agreement.

A recent post in the Alaska Divorce Blog discussed this situation and recounted some advice from a judge at a settlement conference. That advice is worth considering, so I am reproducing most of that post:

"• In order to reach a settlement in any type of dispute, each party must be willing to make concessions. To make concession means each party must be willing to give up something in order to attain something.

"• It is unreasonable to expect a party to settle for a property division, which represents their worst outcome at trial. It is unreasonable for a party to receive what represents their best outcome at trial.

"• If a case is not settled, then each party gives up all control over the outcome to the judge (a third party) who does not know either party and may view what is important in the case in way, which neither party anticipates.

"• If a case is not settled, then each party gives up the opportunity to get divorce immediately and faces what could be months of delay until the trial date and many more months until the judge finally has time to make a decision.

"The point the judge was trying to make is that to settle a case both sides have to be willing to give up something in exchange for getting something. In addition, even though the parties in a divorce case are dividing one 'pie', frequently, there are other issues involved than how much of the pie each of them will receive in the property division."

Lawyers try to get the best deal they can for their clients, but the clients must seriously prepare for negotiations by analyzing their own bargaining positions and the motivations of their spouse. It really helps if both parties can take their emotions out of the discussions and approach the sessions as a business deal. They have to be willing to concede some issues to the other side. There needs to be a spirit of give and take. Both parties ideally will come out feeling they each won on at least some points. As the judge indicated, a settlement is not likely where a party ends up with the worst possible outcome they might have experienced if they had gone to court.

Remember, both parties will be thinking, "What's in it for me?" Successful negotiators have a good answer for that question.

Fuzzy Logic

James Gross has another succinct comment in his Maryland Divorce Legal Crier blog that deals with a common misperception of people going through a divorce or of the "advisers" to people going through a divorce. Many people have trouble with the fact that there usually are no clear, definitive answers to most of the questions they have during a divorce.

"Lots of my clients are computer consultants, engineers, scientists, economists, investment bankers or accountants. They ask me questions about their cases and they want clear answers. Before I became a lawyer, I was a chemical engineer, so I know something about how they think.In math class there was usually one right answer and everything else was wrong. They are looking for the one right answer. I remember staying up all night at college with my study group working through the equations to get to that one right answer.

"After math, chemistry and physics classes, law school was a shock to me. I still recall the first day of Contracts when Professor Joe Covington asked me stand up and explain to the class what 'justice' means. I am afraid I did not do a very noteworthy job of it.

"I excelled in classes where the rules were hard and fast, like Civil Procedure, for example. But I did not fair as well in those classes where the concepts were harder to get a handle on, like Torts. I can empathize with the puzzled look on the faces of my 'math and science' clients when I explain divorce law to them. It is a human system and humans are full of flaws. There are no right answers – only probabilities.

"They are uncomfortable with these fuzzy answers. But I sometimes remind them that, even in their world, they deal with unknowns, such as the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, dark matter, string theory and Shroedinger’s cat."

Like James Gross, I often remind clients that they cannot use logic to figure things out in divorces or family law matters. Even when there are "rules", there are often exceptions and ultimately, human beings make judgment calls. Emotions can easily overrule logic when a party to a divorce is making decisions. It's best not to rely on someone else being logical in a divorce context. If you need to persuade someone on a point, you will be more effective if you analyze the other person's motivations and try to appeal to them. Forget about logic!

The Power of Apology

Recently, I have read articles in various media about a movement to deal with litigation, especially medical malpractice cases, by having the party/parties at fault start off very early on by apologizing to the injured party (or their family) and take responsibility. It is a somewhat risky strategy since the potential defendant is exposing himself/herself/itself to liability by making what we call an "admission against interest". Nevertheless, much of the experience with that approach has been very favorable to both sides in such matters. It reduces anger, frustration and litigation. It may also result in parties being satisfied with smaller settlements. There is often a much faster resolution of the issues.

Christine Bauer, who writes the Florida Divorce & Family Law Blog, had an interesting post today about the value, and she would say necessity, of an apology in a divorce case. She wrote about golfer Greg Norman's divorce and how the lack of apology has probably made things worse. Here's what she had to say, including a link to an Australian newspaper.

"There are many reasons for divorce, and sometimes the blame for the divorce falls more on one party than the other. I've said in other blogs that there are two 'divorces' when a party legally terminates their marriage, the legal divorce and the emotional divorce. The legal divorce is sometimes the easier part. I've always thought that in order to get through the emotional divorce you have to accept accountability for your actions, and apologize when you have been the person who has committed some wrong doing. It is the only way that you and your ex-spouse can move on. I know that this is easier said than done, but accepting accountability and apologizing can help you let go of your own anger and help you heal. I hope that the Normans can do that, because it appears there are still some bitter feelings.

"To read the latest about Greg Norman, his affair with Chris Evert and his divorce, see:http://news.theage.com.au/national/norman-never-apologised-about-evert-20081027-59q4.html. "

As you may know, divorces are often very emotional experiences. It is also true that while generally both parties are at fault for the breakup of the marriage, often only one of the parties recognizes his or her underlying mistakes that lead to the breakup. In many ways, it would probably be beneficial to the emotional health of the parties, and the bottom line financially, if one or both of the parties could and would apologize for at least some of the wrongs inflicted on the other party during the marriage.

Caution: Look before you leap. Before making such an apology, please talk with your lawyer. You might also want to talk to a counselor to figure out the best way to make the apology. Be aware that your heart-felt apology could trigger a bad reaction in your spouse. I wouldn't recommend it for every case, but an appropriate apology could be a huge benefit to everyone involved. I have had a number of cases where it would have undoubtedly helped end the divorce sooner, result in a better settlement for both sides and save everyone a lot of money. YMMV

Record Divorce Settlement!

Recent news reports indicate that Michael Jordan will be paying his wife $168 million in a divorce settlement. This is apparently a new record settlement for a celebrity divorce. Undoubtedly, Michael still retains substantial assets. Even better (for him), he still has exceptional income potential from endorsements and business opportunities for many more years. While he is giving up a lot, he should be able to recoup that without too much trouble in coming years. The Jordans wisely reached an out-of-court settlement and avoided the avalanche of bad publicity that many divorces generate.

Thanks to the Mississippi Family Law Blog for reporting the story earlier.