Should I Wait or Can I Do it Now? A Short Quiz for People Going Through Divorce --Part 2

Many temptations come up when people are facing divorce.  Many opportunities also come up then.  Depending upon timing, some things are good ideas and others are not.

If you are facing divorce, or already involved in a divorce, here are some situations that commonly arise, along with some suggestions for you to think about when you are deciding whether to do something now or wait. 

Part 1 of this Quiz dealt with property or financial issues.  Part 2 has some financial matters, but it's more about personal relationships.


1.  Should  start dating?  NO!       That also includes:

• Don't list yourself on a singles dating web site, 

• Don't get engaged, 

• Don't have a boy friend/girl friend move in,

• Don't move in with a romantic interest, and

• Don't set a wedding date.

Those actions can cause emotional upset to your still-current spouse, which may damage relationships, slow down the divorce and make it more expensive.  They can also open additional financial issues to fight over.  It's not worth it.

2.  Should I introduce the kids to my new dating interest?  Hopefully, you're not dating while the divorce is pending.  Generally, you need to be very cautious about this.  Probably, you should wait until you have dated for at least 6 months and you should also coordinate this with your ex-spouse. Ideally, you and your ex would work with a family therapist to coordinate the timing and wording of how to make that introduction.

3.  Should I change my will or beneficiaries on insurance, retirement plans or anything else?  Normally, there will probably be a court order saying you can't make those changes.  Judges like to keep everything the way it has been.  They would probably order you to change those documents back to the way they were before you changed them. Consult with your lawyer on this, and don't do anything on your own.

4.  Is it OK if I buy gifts for my new girl friend or boy friend?  No.  I know it's not good for your new relationship, but spending community funds on a new romantic interest is always going to cause problem with your spouse and with the Judge.  At the least, the expenditure will probably be added to your column as an asset in the property division. Your spouse will be angry and less cooperative than if you had not done this. It's also possible the Judge could sanction you for violating a court order.  It's not worth the trouble that follows when you get found out, and you will get found out.

5.  Should I give away things I don't need or want?  Talk to your attorney.  The answer will likely be No! You would probably violate a court order and you would probably be disposing of community property.  Don't take a chance on it.

If you are thinking of taking some financial or relationship actions while the divorce is pending, do as our British friends would do.  Stay Calm and consult your attorney.

Should I Wait or Can I Do it Now? A Short Quiz for People Going Through Divorce --Part 1

Many temptations come up when people are facing divorce.  Many opportunities also come up then.  Depending upon timing, some things are good ideas and others are not.

If you are facing divorce, or already involved in a divorce, here are some situations that commonly arise, along with some suggestions for you to think about when you are deciding whether to do something now or wait. (Hint:  you will probably see a pattern.)

1.  Should I buy a house before the divorce is final?  If you do, it will very likely become a community asset which is subject to division in the divorce.  Title companies will usually insist on listing both you and your spouse on the deed and the mortgage company may want to bind both parties to the mortgage, including the party not getting the house.  There will be all kinds of complications.  Of course, some very good deals may go away if you don't go after them immediately.  You should certainly consult with your attorney.

2.  Should I spend large amounts of money?  If you do, you will likely be held responsible for the money and you may have to repay it or count it in your column as part of your community property when things are divided.  There will be a cost to spending the money.  Consult with your attorney.

3.  Should I make new investments?  You should be aware that the Court will probably include in the community property any new investments you make before the divorce is finalized.  That means that they will probably be considered in the mix of the property to be divided upon divorce. Even though you make the investments, they will probably be community property unless you use solely separate assets to pay for it, or they could be part separate and part community. Certainly, consult with your attorney before making any investments.

4.  Should I take a major vacation?  No.  Especially with a boy friend or girl friend. Even without the romance, your spouse may get angry that you are "wasting" assets or doing something he or she doesn't get to do. The cost of the trip will probably come from your side of the spreadsheet. It's not worth the grief. If you think you should go, please consult your attorney.

5.  Should I sell or get rid of any assets?  This is complicated.  Usually, you should avoid selling or getting rid of things unless there's a compelling financial reason to do so and unless the Court or your attorney and your spouse's attorney have both signed off on the deal.

If you are thinking of making some financial moves while the divorce is pending, do as our British friends would do.  Stay Calm and consult your attorney.

Tips for a Tough Time in Your Life

You can't avoid being upset when you're going through a divorce.  You can figure out how to deal with the anger and sadness you are experiencing.  There are many possible steps you can take, but here are five that should be helpful in any divorce situation.

1.  Stay busy.  Don't just sit around and mope.  Get busy helping your lawyer to get the best deal possible for you.  Your help is absolutely necessary and it will help you feel better.

2.  Accept help from professionals.  You need a lawyer to advise you and you may need a therapist to help work through the emotional side of the transition.  You may also need a CPA or financial planner to help you understand your finances and to help you plan your financial future.

3.  Tune out advise from friends once you get started.  Many times, well-meaning friends can lead you astray by giving advise based on their divorce or what they have heard about someone else's divorce.  Every case is different and the others' divorces may have taken place in other states under different laws.  It can be very dangerous to make decisions based on amatures' advise. Please rely on your attorney and your financial advisor. [Tune out the internet, too, for similar reasons.]

4.  Consider this a business transaction.  If you can be business-like in making decisions in your divorce, you will end up much better than if you just react emotionally and let that control you. Let the rational you be in charge and you will appreciate the results.

5.  Pay attention to you health.  Get plenty of sleep.  Exercise.  Eat well.  Many people going through a divorce stop eating, don't exercise and have trouble sleeping.  You need to be healthy and alert to help your attorney as you work through the divorce. Take care of yourself so you can come out in good physical, as well as financial, shape.

Take these steps so you can remain in control of your own life!

What to Do if the Judge Starts Asking Questions

It seems like in about every case that involves a hearing in Tarrant County, the Judge will ask questions of the parties and sometimes other witnesses.  You need to be prepared to answer properly and respectfully.  Here are some tips to keep in mind.

1.  Be polite.  Yes sir and yes ma'am sound good to the Judge.  Be on your best behavior.

2.  Answer directly, but don't volunteer.  Your attorney can help out by following up with questions, if necessary.  Often, no one wants to know what you think is important for the Judge to know. Let the Judge and your attorney decide what additional information is needed.  You might blurt out something that makes you look very foolish.

3.  Watch your body language.  Don't cross your arms over your chest.  Don't frown.  Try to look pleasant and interested.  You can lean forward a little.  Your attorney may whisper for you to change your posture or expression or arms if they convey the wrong message.

4.  Be reasonable.  That may mean being willing to share time, responsibility or something else.  Be flexible and cooperative.  Judges like that.

5.  Speak up, but not too much.  Don't get loud and obnoxious.  Make sure the Judge can hear you.  Speaking softly can make you seem unsure of your answers.  Speak confidently.

If you follow these tips, you can do well in court if the Judge starts to ask you questions.

What if You Don't Like the Judge's Ruling?

When you turn your case over to a Judge for a ruling, there's about a 50-50 chance that you will be disappointed or upset by the result.  No matter how right you believe you are, the Judge may see things differently and rule against you.  After years of experience, I think I'm pretty realistic, but I still get surprised when a Judge's ruling is issued.

So,what can you do if you don't like the Judge's ruling? Here are three of my rules to think about.

Rule #1:  Don't tell the Judge.  Some people get incensed by the unfairness,  baselessness or stupidity  of the Judge's decision and they want to immediately speak up and argue with the Judge.  That works about as well as arguing with a baseball umpire or a referee in football or basketball.  It's not going to change the result and could get you thrown out of the game (held in contempt and sent to jail).  Let your attorney handle it!

Rule #2:  Be able to handle adversity.  Remember the old Rolling Stones song, "You Can't Always Get What You Want"? That's a true statement that people in the midst of a divorce often forget.  Judges have a lot of discretion on most issues in a divorce.  There are no guarantees of outcome when you go to court. Judges almost never rule 100% for one side.  Be prepared to lose some issues. If you get an adverse ruling, your lawyer can help you figure out the best way to handle it.

Rule #3:  Maybe you can still get what you need.  (Again, from the  Rolling Stones.)  You may have to make the best of the situation, and maybe that will turn out to be enough.  Usually, there's more than one way to do things and your attorney can help you figure out alternatives. Your new plan may not be as nice and easy as what you envisioned, but you can make it work.  Don't be discouraged.  Just keep thinking of other ways to meet your needs.

Generally, it's better to work out agreements outside of court.  If you get stuck and have to go to court, be prepared for things to not go your way.  Let your attorney take the lead and be willing to try new ways to meet your needs.  Good luck!

Tuesday Tips: Don't Threaten Divorce

Just Do It! (As a famous apparel seller used to urge us.)

     Once you start threatening divorce, you start to weaken the bonds of marriage.

     Some people, who want to remain married, threaten to divorce their spouse to get the spouse to change some behavior -- stay home more, quit drinking, pay attention, etc.

     What the other spouse focuses on, though, is that the first spouse wants a divorce.  This feeling becomes stronger as the threat is repeated over time.

     If you want a divorce, go ahead and file, or discuss it if you want.

     If you really want something else, skip the attempted pressure tactics and have a discussion about what can be done to improve a problem area.  Threatening divorce will not solve the problem and will probably result in divorce.

Tuesday Tips: No Fooling!

If you are facing going to court for a divorce or other Family Law matter, you need to be aware that most everything is taken seriously in the court system.

Here are some things to remember that are Not Joking Matters!

1.  Notice of Hearing:  When you get a notice of a hearing, that's a real obligation.  You and your attorney will probably have to be there.  If you ignore it, there will be consequences.

2.  Deadlines for Discovery:  If you get discovery sent to you, there will be due dates for your answers.  If you miss the deadlines, you may not be able to introduce or even discuss the evidence later.

3.  Child support payments:  They must be made on time.  If they are late, interest will be added.

4.  Pick up and return times for visitation:  There's no reason to play games with visitation.

5.  The need to update and supplement:  As things change, please let your attorney know right away so your pleadings and discovery responses can be updated.  Otherwise, you may not be able to get into those issues.

6.  Being honest with your attorney:  This is absolutely essential.  We need to even know the bad details so we can be prepared.  The other side will certainly know and use them!

7.  Being honest with the court:  Since the makes so many discretionary decisions, it's crazy to lie to the Judge and get the Judge mad at you. Plus you could be found in contempt, sent to jail and criminally prosecuted.  It's your choice.

8.  Don't hide information:  It will probably be found and it will make you look bad.  Plus, don't forget all the Judge's discretion on issues.

9.  Don't hide assets:  If you hide assets, they will likely be found and you will almost certainly lose them.

10.  Fighting: Remember, the more you fight, the more it costs.

It's Not Too Early to Plan for the Holidays!

Even though Thanksgiving and the holiday season seem a long ways off, you could make things a lot easier for yourself and your kids if you start thinking and planning for the end of the year now.  If there's any travel involved, you need to be getting tickets or arranging time off or taking care of various other details.  You will need to coordinate with your ex and it should be easier to do it now without the time pressure of being nearer to the holidays. It's also easier if your ex hasn't put his/her plans in stone yet.  You  would also have time to get reduced fares and to grab the time off before others at work claim it.

Here are some things to think about:

1.  Look at the schedule. Make sure you even need to have a discussion, before you get started.   In Texas, we have a standard possession schedule that covers the holidays.  Start off by looking at the specific language of your court order.  You and your ex can agree to change the schedule, but neither can force the other to do so.  It's better to find out now if you or your ex needs a change.  There's still time to get things done.

2.  Talk or email or text (politely) with your ex.  Don't demand or threaten.  If you don't need a favor now, you will need one later.  Don't burn your bridges by being unreasonable.

3.  Be clear and specific with what you need.  Beating around the bush wastes everyone's time.  What you want to do may not be too difficult, especially if your ex needs you to change something.  Spell out exactly what change you need.  Be clear so you can have a clear discussion and understanding.

4.  Listen to the other side.  Your ex may not be able to agree or may not be able to do all that you request.  If that is the response, you might discuss other options.  Always have a Plan B.  Your ex may have good reasons for not agreeing to what you request, but maybe you can still come to some agreement.

5.  Follow the Golden Rule.  Be willing to compromise.  You may need a big favor next year.  Until the last child is out and married, and maybe even after that, you need to keep a decent relationship with your ex.  You will be dealing with your kids for a long time, so don't be enemies with your ex.

So, be nice, be prepared and start early!

Why You Shouldn't Be a Jerk!

Some people just can't help it.  They are jerks.  I prefer to think that anyone and everyone can behave well if they choose to.  For some, it takes a lot of concentration, and then some occasional backtracking to undo an initially rude or inappropriate reaction.  I believe that almost everyone can act right, if encouraged and reminded, and if they understand it is in their own best interest.

In general, everyone will need a favor, such as getting a hearing reset, an agreement to allow more time to respond to something, leniency or the benefit of the doubt.  Jerks don't often get the favors.  

Here are some specific ways being a jerk can affect you in the legal system.

1.  You may face stronger opposition from the other side.  They are less understanding or forgiving.  If you (figuratively) slap them in the face, they probably won't turn the other cheek in litigation.  Mad people fight back!

2.  The Judge won't like you.  The Judge is bound to follow the law, but he/she is not a robot.  There will always be matters, especially in Family Law, where the Judge is allowed a wide range of discretion to decide outcomes.  You need the Judge to like you when he/she is deciding property division, allocation of bills, support, visitation and other issues. Like it or not, most legal decisions are not precise applications of the law which produce mechanical results.  Most decisions are discretionary.  You don't need to fight the Judge.

3.  Other important officials who don't wear robes may not like you.  Humans fill the roles of court clerks, court coordinators, bailiffs, child support office workers, employees of the Domestic Relations Office and employees of the Texas Attorney General's Office.  You may not ever think about some of them, but they see, know and talk about you (that's not just paranoia) and they can influence how easy or how difficult your life is in the future.  You are better off if they don't remember you, because they normally just remember the "problems".

4.  Your own attorney may not stick around.  Most attorneys are busy.  Very few want to waste time and put up with aggravation from a difficult client.  

5.  It will be harder to find witnesses and allies willing to help you out.  Forcing someone to come to court and testify is usually a bad idea.  Yous want voluntary witnesses.  You want people coming forward and wanting to help you out.  An ungrateful, vindictive, mean person usually has a hard time getting help from others.

Bonus Point:  The more you fight, the longer it will take and the more it will cost.  Don't complain about those things if you choose to be a jerk!

You Can Both "Win"

Or, why it's OK for your spouse to come out of the divorce in good shape, too.

For many different reasons (competitiveness, anger, revenge, control or mental illness, among others) parties going through a divorce often feel like they have to "win".  But, as Charlie Sheen showed us, "winning" isn't everything.  In fact, in divorce, the drive to win can be very destructive and certainly raises the cost of the process.

Here are some ideas to consider as you start out in a divorce.

1.  If there are children, both you and your spouse will remain the parents of your children, and the kids should feel good about their parents.  Unless your spouse has done something really heinous, he or she will be a part of the children's lives forever.  The children feel like they are a part of you and a part of your spouse.  You certainly don't want the kids feeling bad about a part of themselves.  Destroying your spouse will hurt your children.

2.  Making your  spouse mad at you can lead to more problems for yourself.  Sure, everyone gets upset during a divorce, but you can try to limit the damage by limiting how rough you act.  If you (and your attorney) always play hardball, your spouse will probably be much angrier than he or she would have been if you had taken a more reasonable approach.  Think about how your spouse acts when he or she gets mad.  You don't have to rollover and let your spouse get everything, but there is certainly a middle ground between that and hardball.

3.  A bad result can cause financial problems for one or both of you.  One or both of you may have credit problems. Savings and credit lines are often used up. Struggling financially post divorce, especially if you have kids, can lead to problems for the other spouse:  joint bills not being paid, extra expenses having to be covered by the other spouse, tight budgets, etc.  Even after the divorce, there is still some financial connection for at least a while, and often longer.  Going overboard with the divorce fight can drain the resources of both of you.

4.  You will look good to your family, friends and the community.  That's a good thing.  Whether you believe in Karma or not, the good you do will come back to help you later in life.

5.  A happy ex-spouse may help you later one.  You know that from experience in other contexts.  You don't have to become life-long enemies.  Ex-spouses often work together better post divorce.  It happens all the time.  Yes, your spouse may be the one who never gives you a break, but it's worth it to try.  If you have kids, you will need help and cooperation from your spouse.

CAVEAT:  Sometimes one party wants to "play nice" and the other one wants to take a scorched earth approach.  If you want to be the nice one, you may not be able to be as nice as you want, but you don't have to go all the way in to the opposite extreme to counteract your spouse.  All the above points are still true.  You will do better and feel better if you can look at things from a long-term perspective, rather than just an immediate battlefield point of view.  Good luck!