Why You Should Wait to Date

Although there are newer and sometimes more interesting words to describe the activity, “dating” is still an issue in divorces. Problems can occur in two different arenas: in the emotional relationship with your spouse and in the legal system.

The simplest, although not necessarily the easiest, way to avoid problems is to not date before the divorce is final.

Many people seem to think that once they separate or file for divorce or once they have been separated for a period of time, it’s OK to date. Once people decide to leave a bad relationship, they often will consider dating for a variety of reasons, including, fun, companionship, romance, revenge, to enjoy freedom from the current spouse, or to battle loneliness.

Perceptive people often realize that dating another person while the divorce is pending may make their spouse really angry. It may not be a rational response by the spouse – it usually isn’t – but who said divorces were rational situations? People going through divorces are rarely rational. Jealousy and anger are often inflamed when a party discovers their spouse has been or is dating. Allegations of “adultery” carry an emotional punch and can lead to the friends and allies of the victim adding to the fire. Getting a spouse really angry over an emotional issue such as adultery almost inevitably makes negotiations much more difficult and severely reduces the possibility of cooperation and settlement.

In Texas, adultery can have legal consequences as well. If proven, adultery can be the basis for the court to award an unequal division of property favoring the victim of the indiscretion. It can also become a factor in a custody case, depending on how the dating impacts on children.

In his posting, “Divorce Preparation: Step 13 - Be Good”, based on a posting in the Alabama Family Law Blog, Grant Griffiths (Kansas Family and Divorce Lawyer) explains clearly how a variety of social activities, including old-fashioned dating or group activities or parties, can have negative consequences in a divorce. Exercising, enjoying time with children and/or focusing on getting one’s life in order are better alternatives for the time period before a divorce is final.

Grant’s advice – to Be Good – is the perfect understatement. In so many ways, it is both a solution to problems and the key to avoiding problems. Self-restraint, delayed gratification or maturity, whatever you call it – Be Good and you will avoid a lot of problems.

What to do If the Attorney General Knocks on Your Door (Figuratively Speaking)

A "knock on the door" from the Texas Attorney General can take several forms: a letter, a phone call to you, a call to your employer or service of papers on you, among other ways. The knock is to notify you that something is about to happen in court or by a court order. If you are a parent, or alleged to be a parent, the knock is probably to notify you either that you are a parent and have an obligation to start supporting a child or children or they want to examine your financial situation and maybe raise your existing child support or they want you to start paying the support that was previously ordered.

What should you do if you get notice in some form from the A.G.’s office?

Contact a family lawyer, and right away. Don’t delay, especially if you find out about a court date. You need to understand the law and what your options are. The A.G. is not involved to help or represent you. They can’t give you legal advice. They are not a completely neutral party in the process. You need your own counsel. You may be able to work out a better deal by resolving the matter before it goes to court, so you should hire an attorney as soon as possible. It may also take a while to gather information and prepare for court.

Why the A.G. Gets Involved

There are numerous ways for the Attorney General’s office to get involved in your business. A parent could request assistance from the A.G. to collect child support. The State of Texas may have initiated the action if some state assistance has been paid to a parent because of a child. Federal and state laws have forced the A.G. to become very active in collecting child support. They help parents who need to get an initial court order designating someone as the father and ordering the payment of child support. They may also help parents collect past-due child support owed sometimes by "deadbeat dads" (or moms), but also owed sometimes by dads or moms who lost their jobs or became ill or for some other reason could not work or had their pay cut. In addition, the A.G. may periodically review cases to see if support is being paid and to determine whether support should be raised or lowered. (They rarely act to get child support reduced.)

What are some of the things that can happen if the Attorney General comes knocking?

1. Obligations can be created. A court can order retroactive child support all the way back to the birth of the child. The obligation usually will extend until the child is 18 or finishes high school (whichever is later) and can extend beyond that in special circumstances. If there is a court order, you will likely be ordered to pay court costs and attorneys’ fees. There will probably also be an order for medical child support: providing or paying the cost for the child’s health insurance and paying a portion or all of the unreimbursed medical expenses.

2. There could be an increase in child support.

3. An enforcement action can have significant penalties. If the court finds a child support arrearage (meaning there is past-due, unpaid child support), a judgment with interest may be entered against the obligor (a nice legalese term for the person previously ordered to pay the money) and there would be an order for payments to be made until the total was paid off. There can also be an order for confinement in jail for up to six months for each proven violation of the court order, although some judges will allow a person to be put on probation or community supervision. Probation permits a person to stay out of jail if they report at least once a month to a probation officer and comply with a long list of other requirements. State law also provides for possible suspension of various licenses issued by the state, including driver’s license and professional licenses, among others.

Cautions

Several things with serious consequences can happen. You can do a lot of damage to yourself by proceeding without representation.

1. Don’t sign anything regarding children or child support without consulting an attorney. You may not understand things very well. The A.G.’s office does know what they’re doing. They are not necessarily trying to take advantage of you, but their objectives and your interests may be different and you may make bad decisions if you proceed without the assistance of an attorney.

2. You might think you can start out at a hearing or court date and then stop it if you don’t like how it’s going. That’s not likely to happen.

3. You may think you can agree to something outside of court and it won’t be binding on you, but it may be binding if you sign it.

4. If you think you can stop everything by just not showing up or by refusing to accept a set of papers, you are wrong and you may end up with a judgment or child support obligation owed by you.

Best advice: See a lawyer immediately!

How to Keep Your Child Out of the Middle

Most everyone would agree that it is a good idea to shield children from most parental conflict. Nevertheless, there are many times during and after divorces when children get drawn into family disputes and end up in the middle, with both sides pulling on them. The following is a brief list of 5 "Don’ts" and a "Do" that may help avoid such situations.

1. Don’t ask the children to decide. In the heat of family disagreements, it may seem simple or fair to just let the children decide where they want to live, or what visitation schedule they want to follow, etc.; parents may feel that’s like having a neutral person make the decision. Unfortunately, that puts a lot of pressure on the children and sets them up for guilt feelings and/or angry parents.

2. Don’t disparage the other parent or his/her family. This can be by direct comments made to a child or it can be done indirectly, such as comments made to others, but overheard by a child. It can also include body language and gestures that indicate disapproval or other bad opinions of the other parent. A child will likely take such actions or words as an attack on him or her.

3. Don’t argue around the kids. Disagreements are normal, even in well-functioning, intact families. Discussions and arguments between adults should take place just between adults, if at all possible. The kids don’t need to be drawn in or manipulated by the situations.

4. Don’t ask the children about the other parent. It’s not necessary for you to know everything that goes on when your children are with the other parent. Children will often tell about things they enjoyed or about big events, good or bad. Children don’t like being grilled about what happens when they visit their other parent.

5. Don’t use the children as messengers. If you want to send a message to the other parent, talk directly by phone or in person, send a letter or send an email. Kids aren’t always dependable anyway. And if you send a message by the children and then the other parent reacts badly when the message is delivered, the children are likely going to feel that they caused the problem.

Finally, something you can Do:

Do take a co-parenting class, preferably with the other parent. There are several good classes available in this area in person and even on line. I recommend the "in-person" class because you can learn more and get specific questions answered.

If you can avoid the temptation to put your children in the middle of adult disputes, your children will be happier and you should have better relationships with them (and maybe the other parent as well). If both parents will take a co-parenting class, all of this advice may be unnecessary!

5 Factors to Consider When Hiring a Lawyer

When you are about to start any kind of litigation (or Collaboration) in a family law matter –divorce, modification, child support collection, visitation, paternity, grandparent access, etc.– you need to have an attorney to help you achieve the best possible outcome. There are some things that people can do without attorneys, including divorce, but there is a risk that important issues can be overlooked or mishandled. At the very least, it is advisable to have an attorney review the situation and look over any paperwork to help you avoid problems in the future. Once you make the decision to hire an attorney in a family law matter, there are several factors which should be considered in selecting the attorney to work with.

Recommendations. Just as in most other important matters, it is often helpful to seek recommendations from people or organizations you trust. There is no comprehensive attorney rating service, so you need to talk to family, friends and others you respect to find attorneys who have worked well with and for others in the past. A good source is attorneys you may know, even if they don’t work in family law; they can usually recommend someone who is a quality attorney. Once you have some leads, you can also look on the internet, especially if an attorney has a web site, to find out about the attorneys.

Qualifications and Experience. If your legal issue is important to you, it is usually best to find an attorney who is a Board Certified Specialist in the field, such as Family Law. Being Board Certified means that the attorney has practiced for at least 5 years, has had substantial experience in the field, has been recommended by judges and attorneys and has passed a rigorous exam. In addition, it is appropriate to ask if the attorney has handled similar cases in the past. More experienced attorneys will not only know the legal issues, but how the local judges generally handle such cases. In other words, they can give you an educated opinion about what to expect.

Cost. Generally speaking, the more experienced and qualified your attorney is, the more the representation will cost. There are many fine attorneys who charge lower fees, so there is not an absolute correlation between the fees and quality. This is just to say that a Board Certified Specialist with a lot of experience will be expensive. Be sure to have a discussion about cost at the initial meeting with the attorney you interview. Make sure that the amount of money you are about to invest is appropriate to the objectives you have in mind and your ability to pay. Because there are so many attorneys available and a wide range of fees, you should make sure you are comfortable with the fee agreement for now and into the foreseeable future as your case proceeds.

Communication Skills. No matter how qualified and skilled your attorney is, if he or she can’t communicate effectively with you, you will not be well represented. It is essential that the attorney actively listen to what you are saying. The attorney should be able to give you direct answers to simple questions. A good attorney can speak plain English and not fall back on legalese. If the attorney cannot translate legal concepts into everyday language, it can interfere with your representation and decision-making. Check the attorney’s written materials, including the fee agreement, hand-outs at the office and the material of his or her web site. If you cannot get a clear understanding of what you are reading, expect problems down the line.

Chemistry. When you meet someone, there is an intangible feeling or impression you receive. For whatever reason, some people just automatically make you feel comfortable and with others, you may have a lingering doubt or concern that is hard to express. I refer to that as my "gut feeling". Others use different terms, such as intuition or instinct. Whatever you call it, you should pay attention. Usually, when you hire an attorney, it is for an extended time and it is expensive. Make sure you feel very comfortable and secure in that relationship. If you have doubts or something doesn’t feel right, you should check with other attorneys. One size doesn’t fit all, and an attorney who is a great match for a friend of yours may not be a great attorney for you. The bottom line is that you want to hire someone who feels like a good match for you.

Hiring the right lawyer is an important step in your efforts to achieve certain objectives through the legal system. You shouldn’t rush or be pressured when choosing a lawyer. Your outcome will be better if you select an attorney who meets your needs and with whom you feel comfortable. You can probably find several attorneys who are technically competent and able to do what you need done, but you should look beyond the basic competence and consider the factors mentioned above in order to find the best lawyer for you and your case.

Myths about Collaborative Law

Although Collaborative Law can be considered a breath of fresh air in the legal system, it is still a relatively new process for resolving disputes in Texas. It’s not widely known, but more and more people are learning about it and requesting that it be used. As the public learns about the process, lawyers are also learning about it and getting trained in its methods.


Because most people in Tarrant County are still not knowledgeable about Collaborative Law in Texas, there is a lot of misinformation circulating about it. I will briefly mention some common misconceptions. These will refer primarily to divorces, but Collaborative Law can be used on just about any family law issues.


1. "It only works if everyone is agreeable and wants to be fair." Not true. Like any other divorce, a Collaborative divorce usually involves some serious disagreements. People bring their own agendas to the process and may choose it for a variety of reasons. The reason is rarely that everyone just wants to be fair and agreeable. (See other posts on this blog for reasons why people choose Collaborative Law.) The Collaborative process changes the way people act as they create solutions and achieve their goals.


2. "It won’t work for custody cases." Not true. Actually, Collaborative Law in Texas provides better resources, in a more humane environment, for resolving custody cases, than does traditional litigation. We use neutral experts, when needed, who work for both parties and help them find or create new solutions that are customized to the parties’ unique situation. In comparison, litigation generally relies on a "winner take all" approach and usually closely follows the statutory guidelines and schedules, whether they fit the situation or not.


3. "Both parties must completely trust each other for the process to work." Not true. While there needs to be basic trust between the parties, the process provides more direct involvement by the parties, excellent verification of facts and the assistance of neutral experts who directly work with the parties to gather and interpret information. There will probably never be a divorce with complete trust between the parties – if that existed, they probably wouldn’t be getting a divorce.


4. "The process won’t work if there’s been adultery or other misbehavior." Not true. There have been many successful Collaborative cases which involved adultery or other troubling issues. If people are willing to commit to focusing on their future instead of their past, they can successfully settle a case even with serious past indiscretions.


5. "There’s no ‘Discovery’ or exchange of information." and "Either party can easily hide assets and there’s no way to find them." Not true. The parties fully disclose records and information to each other, we usually prepare a joint sworn Inventory of the assets and liabilities and we utilize various joint, neutral financial and child experts as needed. We don’t do formal written discovery or depositions. Instead, we get a thorough, but focused, overview, and rely on neutral experts to evaluate the facts and help us find and verify the relevant information. No system is perfect, however. The litigation system certainly has its share of hidden assets that "disappear" and are never located.


6. "It’s the way I/we have been practicing law for years." Not true. Some attorneys, particularly in Tarrant County, Texas, have been very cooperative and less confrontational for years, which is great. For a long time, it has been obvious that well over 90% of all divorce cases settled without a trial. Those are similar characteristics, but Collaborative Law is different: the lawyers cannot go to court (except to finalize the divorce and get the agreed order signed); at the outset, we focus on the parties’ goals and then follow a 4-step problem-solving process; we use neutral mental health and financial professionals in most cases; and we meet and talk directly with each other in a series of relatively short meetings. Those are just some of the ways the processes are different.


7. "Most people just need to get the best outcome possible for themselves". Not true. That implies that Collaborative Law won’t help a person as much because it tries to have a good result for two people. Actually, there is no reason why both parties can’t have a good outcome. Collaborative Law’s emphasis on creating new, unique solutions means that the pie to be divided can actually be enlarged. Instead of relying on standard formulas and guidelines, Collaborative lawyers help the parties come up with new approaches "outside the box". While some people are angry and want revenge on their spouse (and are not good candidates for Collaborative Law), a probably much greater number just want to get through the process without breaking the bank. Most people would accept a good outcome for their spouse if they also receive a good outcome.


As more people find out about Collaborative Law, many more will choose the resolve their important family legal disputes by that process. Clearing up myths, like the ones above, will help more people under how Collaborative Law works and can benefit them.

Show Your Love with a Prenuptial Agreement

In spite of the high rate of divorce seen throughout the country, couples keep getting married, some for the second or third time, some even more times. Divorce, however, is not ignored by the soon-to-be-wed partners, especially those who have been married previously. For people with significant assets, one preventive measure often taken is a prenuptial agreement.

There are a number of reasons why prenuptials are considered.

• For some older couples, prenuptials are for estate planning. They are prepared to avoid conflicts with or between adult children. Prenups can also determine how probate issues are resolved. Appropriate planning can result in savings of taxes and legal fees and can provide reassurance that each party will receive the financial support that both parties presently intend. A prenup can also protect the inheritance (if desired) for the children of each party.

• Prenuptial agreements can protect businesses. If there is an existing business run and owned by one of the parties, a prenup can ensure that the owner does not lose control or ownership of the business. The agreement can also provide that an increase in value in a business would be a separate property asset or a community asset. It can also determine how business debts are paid.

• Some people want to avoid repeating an unpleasant divorce experience. Prenuptial agreements can pre-determine various issues from property division to attorney’s fees to alimony, among other things. The result is a shorter, less expensive divorce, although one party may feel taken advantage of. (A feeling which often occurs in divorces for various reasons.)

In cases where a party seeks a divorce after having signed a prenuptial agreement, it’s not unusual for one party to want to break the agreement. Courts examine a number of factors in determining whether an agreement is valid. If you’re thinking about getting or signing a prenuptial agreement, it’s helpful to understand what mistakes to avoid.

What a court looks at in Texas:

• It needs to be a voluntary agreement. In many cases, a party doesn’t want to sign the agreement, but believes the marriage won’t happen unless the prenup is signed. A court will look at all the circumstances to determine if the agreement is voluntary.

• There must be disclosure. If assets are hidden and not disclosed to the other party, a court may set aside the agreement since there is a lack of understanding of the assets and the impact of the agreement.

• The agreement needs to be written and signed.

• Each party should have their own attorney. While it is not essential, it is good practice. A court is probably more likely to set aside an agreement where one party did not have an attorney. (One attorney cannot represent both parties, either.)

• There should be adequate time to discuss the situation, understand the facts and make a voluntary decision. Unfortunately, most people tend to wait until the last minute to start working on an agreement.

One Solution:

If the parties use a Collaborative Law approach to preparing a prenuptial agreement, the stresses of the procedure can be minimized, an enforceable agreement can be reached and both parties will be able to support the agreement because of how the process operates.

Advantages of creating a prenuptial agreement:

While prenups may not seem like a very romantic topic to discuss just before a wedding, there are some solid reasons for doing so and some potential advantages, other than the obvious ones.

• It forces the parties to look into the future and communicate about some important, although not romantic, subjects.

• Done right, the process will reinforce feelings of trust and security while clarifying expectations and values for each party.

• The different communication styles of each party may be demonstrated at a time when there are alternatives available for each person. The good and the bad may come out.

• While attorney’s fees for preparation and signing a prenuptial agreement can be substantial, they are a lot less than a contested divorce or probate case would cost. Spending the money up front to prevent a problem can be well worth it.

• If Collaborative Law is used, the parties will learn about each other’s goals and learn how to work together and communicate better. It may also lead the parties to be more open-minded and creative with each other. A Collaborative approach takes a little while to do, so it probably won’t work if you start three days before the wedding.

Conclusion

For couples getting married, prenuptial agreements can be a valuable tool or they can create hard feelings and put someone at a significant financial or power disadvantage. Agreements can be helpful to both parties, but they cannot be put together properly and effectively in just a few days. Starting work on the process early, and especially using Collaborative Law, can produce a beneficial agreement that will stand up in court and can enhance a relationship.

Why You Should Try "Access Facilitation"

In many different ways, the court system in Texas, particularly in Tarrant County, Texas, is moving away from the traditional adversary process in family law matters. The new Tarrant County Family Law Center in Fort Worth could almost be called the new "conference center" because there are over twice as many conference rooms as there are courtrooms in the courthouse. For years, Tarrant County family law attorneys have spent more time negotiating than having hearings, and that’s generally a good thing.

Aside from the facilities, the court system in Tarrant County (and many other counties) emphasizes other processes which can lead to peaceful resolution of family law issues. Judges routinely instruct attorneys and parties to go outside the courtroom and talk to try to settle the issues without having a hearing. Judges also commonly order the parties to attend parenting or co-parenting classes. Those classes teach skills that enable the parties to work together in ways that were impossible earlier. And in almost every case, the court will order the parties to attend mediation before they can take up the court’s time in trial. That is an important step because about 90-95% of cases settle in mediation, and the judges know that.

One of the newest approaches is called Access Facilitation. It is a process in which the parties, usually without their attorneys, meet with a neutral social worker from the Tarrant County Domestic Relations Office to try to work out conflicts about custody, times and amounts of access (what we used to call visitation) and other parenting issues. The social workers are experienced in dealing with parents going through divorce and are trained is resolving disputes. They are not permitted to make binding decisions about how the matters should be settled, but they provide a safe and managed environment for the parties to more calmly discuss the problems and create solutions. There can be multiple sessions, if needed. The meetings take place at the courthouse, so they are convenient when the parties are in court. One of the best features is that Access Facilitation is free.

Prior to attending a session of Access Facilitation, it is helpful for the attorney to work with the parent to help her or him clarify what their goals are for their relationship with the child or children. It also helps to do a little brainstorming and have several different options to propose and discuss. Spending time trying to understand the other parent’s goals and motivations can also be very valuable. Both parents need to go into the sessions with open minds, a willingness to try something new and the ability to compromise. Finally, each parent should be aware of, and keep in mind, the costs and uncertainties of litigation.

Access Facilitation is an inexpensive, low-risk alternative to litigation that is available in virtually any case involving access or possession of children in Tarrant County. It is much less stressful than having a court hearing and can lead to some creative, customized solutions to conflicts over children. Having a neutral, experienced social worker lead the meetings can provide a safe and effective process to settle some very emotional issues. It won’t always work, but it has an impressive record. Even if it doesn’t lead to an immediate solution, it can eventually result in a settlement. And It’s Free!

How to Save Money in a Collaborative Divorce

When people learn about Collaborative Law as they are about to begin the process of divorce, many become very interested in trying it because of the opportunities for creative solutions, privacy, control over the outcome, civility, etc. that are associated with Collaborative Law.

Some are a little skeptical about whether they and their spouse can get along well enough to work out an agreement. When a Collaborative attorney explains that the Texas model of Collaborative Law offers the assistance of a neutral mental health professional (MHP) to help both parties operate at their most effective and cooperative levels, they like the idea, but sometimes worry about the cost.

What we have learned is that the cost of the MHP is a great investment because the MHP helps both parties communicate appropriately and maintain a safe and relatively calm environment. The Collaborative process actually helps meetings be more productive and less argumentative than they could be otherwise. In addition to being more comfortable and satisfied with the process, the parties actually end up saving money.

In a Collaborative Divorce, the phrase, "more is less" really makes sense. By adding another participant to the process, the parties operate more efficiently and spend less time arguing. The time they spend in meetings is productive because they are assisted by the neutral MHP who helps the parties communicate in more helpful ways that advance their own interests. While it may seem personally satisfying to berate a spouse for various faults, those comments rarely contribute to an eagerness for that spouse to want to settle.

There are some potential difficulties in Collaborative cases even with parties who really want the process to work out. Inevitably, there are some tough, emotional meetings that challenge the abilities of the parties to maintain the civility that is a hallmark of Collaborative law. Hiring a neutral mental health professional may be the single best way to save money in a Collaborative Divorce.

5 Tips for Starting Over

Many people going through a divorce, or at various other meaningful points in their life, decide it is time for some wholesale changes, time to start over. You might be in this situation because of the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, the last of your children leaving home, or the occurrence of some other event. It may just be that you have reached middle age. As you face making major changes in your life, you should consider the following actions to help your transition.

Visualize how you would like your life to be and then keep that image in mind. Write down how you want your life to be and then create goals that are consistent with that image. Take steps that move you toward the goals you have set.

Get a financial check-up from a CPA or financial planner.(Make sure you start off with a fee-for-service professional, rather than a commissioned sales person.) Check your credit history. Create a budget and live within it. Do some long range planning, including for retirement.

Look for new interests. You can improve your emotional well-being by trying new things. Look for a new job or a part-time job. Become active in your church, synagogue or religious community. Take classes at a college. Explore new hobbies or money-making opportunities. Join new social groups. Reconnect with family members.

Get healthy.Schedule a physical check-up. Start a new exercise program or class. Concentrate on being healthy and trying new physical activities. Work out and make new friends at the same time. Resume sports that you enjoyed in the past. Get your friends involved.

Do a career check-up.Do you like your job? Are you considering a change? Take an aptitude test to see what careers suit you. Consider learning new job skills or finding a new job. Take on new responsibilities at work.

Times of change provide an opportunity for reflection, motivation and personal growth. You can turn a difficult time into an opportunity for a better life. Get help from friends. Don’t try to do everything by yourself. Create a new support group if your old friends are no longer around. You can find friends in new activities or by helping other people through a charity or volunteer organization that you believe in. If you are forced into changing your life, make your world better.

If you are going through a divorce or are experiencing other family issues, we can help direct you to appropriate resources to help you successfully deal with the stresses that are inevitably associated with those situations. Please feel free to call for referrals or other assistance.

When and How to Settle

Most family law cases (probably 90-95%) will settle before a judge rules on them. Given that fact, it makes sense to focus on finding the best way to get the best agreement possible. It also makes sense to start thinking about settlement at the beginning.

As Stephen Covey and others have suggested, I like to start with the end in mind. Although it is often difficult for people going through the emotional trauma of a divorce or other family law issue, identifying and then focusing on a person’s most important goals, needs and interests provides the best guidance for getting through the process in a way that minimizes damage and leads to the best possible outcomes permitted by law.

The path to resolution used in Collaborative cases is very effective and can often be used even in litigated cases ( just not as well).

• First, determine the parties’ goals, need and interests (for both parties).
• Second, discover and organize the facts in the case.
• Third, brainstorm possible solutions and generate as many options as possible.
• Fourth, evaluate the options.
• Fifth, negotiate and reach an agreement.

It really helps to understand the other party’s motivations and needs. Spending time figuring out those things can pay off when negotiations are going on to settle a case.

Court hearings are rarely the best way to resolve issues. They are stressful for the parties, expensive, slow, and often result in arbitrary rulings that don’t solve the most important issues. Some attorneys adopt a strategy of wearing down the other party through expensive and stressful court hearings, discovery processes and threats. That approach is sometimes successful, in the sense that a party may wear out and give up, or they may run out of money. However, that doesn’t bring peace and it is often very destructive to relationships between parents who still have to raise a child.

Court hearings are sometimes used as an "easy way out". It takes less effort and creativity to raise a complaint or issue and then just turn it over to the judge for a ruling.

Sometimes court hearings are unavoidable, especially if the other party is unreasonable or uncooperative.

In most cases, persistence and creativity will lead to excellent settlements, if the parties start with the end in mind.