Getting Expert Help

Divorces can be simple, somewhat complicated or very complicated.  At a time when more and more people want to "Do it Yourself", some people seem to act as if their divorces were simpler than they are  You have a simple divorce if the marriage is very short, there are no kids and almost no property has been acquired during the marriage.

If you have a long-term marriage, kids, retirement assets, investments, a house, other significant assets or debts, you have a somewhat- to very-complicated divorce.

My suggestion is that you think long-term and get some help if you have a complicated divorce.  You don't necessarily need all of the following in every case, but you should get whatever help will benefit you.

1.  Attorney.  If you are in the complicated category, you need an attorney.  You want to get the paperwork right and you don't want to overlook or mishandle important legal issues. It's not such a great trade off to save money on the attorney fees initially, but then have to spend the money later trying to fix something.

2.  Mediator.  Mediation is a great process for resolving disputes.  It is used in almost all divorces at some point.  If you can't directly negotiate a settlement, which is normally the case, mediation gives you a safe, effective means to come to an agreement with the help of a neutral mediator.

3.  Counseling.  Sometimes, you can get back together through counseling, but more often the real value of counseling is that it can lead to peace.  You can learn to live with your situation better and maybe avoid fighting with your ex.  Counseling is a good investment for both parties, even if you're not "crazy".

4.  Financial Advisor.  We use them in almost every Collaborative Law case, but they are also very helpful in litigated/negotiated divorces where there are retirement assets or other significant assets.  Why not look for beneficial ways to divide things so you can save some money?  Just splitting everything in half is often not the best result for both parties. 

5.  CPA.  In many cases, it helps to have a CPA review a settlement proposal before it is locked down. There may be unexpected tax consequences or just a better way to do things that could save taxes.  It's not very expensive to get peace of mind or possibly save some money.

There's no "one size fits all" solution for how to do a divorce.  The amount and type of help you need depends on the circumstances of your case.  If you don't have a simple divorce, you should consider the experts above and hire the ones who can help.  It can save money and give you peace in the long run.

Why Cases Aren't as Simple as You May Think

Some people get caught up in the "Do it Yourself" movement and decide to represent themselves in a divorce.  After all, how hard can it be? They're thinking:  Texas is a 50-50 property state, so you divide everything equally.  Then you use standard visitation and child support guidelines. You just write down what you want and the Judge will straighten out any problems and then grant the divorce.

Now, back to reality. Life is complicated.  The more assets you have, the more important it is to use a lawyer for a divorce.  If there are children, there are many important issues other than child support and visitation.  Judges don't fix your mistakes.

Here are some issues you may need to consider.

1.  There are parental rights, powers and duties that have to be allocated between the parents.  Some can be shared, some might work with consultation between the parents, some might need a tie-breaker if the parties can't agree, and others are usually controlled by just one parent. These can decide the outcomes of some very important issues.  You need knowledgeable guidance on them.

2.  There are many different variations in the possession (visitation) schedules for the kids.  You have to come up with something that both parents accept and use language that is specific enough to be enforceable in case of future conflict.

3.  Child support can have some issues as well.  Is is really necessary?  Should you use the guidelines or try something else?  Will the Judge approve something else?  How to you calculate it?  You also have to use correct and specific language in creating the order.

4.  What do we need to divide?  What is separate property (which the Court can't divide) and what's community?   Are there any tax consequences? Can all assets be divided?  If not, what do you do?

5.  How do you handle health insurance?  Can one spouse provide it for an ex-spouse?  If so, how?  How do you set up the health insurance for the kids?  Who pays what?

6.  Can we divide retirement accounts?  If so, how?

7.  What do we do with the house?  One party keeps the house -- how do you get the other spouse's name off the mortgage?  Can you refinance the house?  Do you want to sell it now?  If so, you need detailed plans for that.  What do you do with the proceeds?  What if you can't sell it?  What if your ex-spouse won't sell it?  There's a lot at stake with the house.

These are only some of the issues you may face in a Do-it-Yourself Divorce.  If you have children,  more than a little property or a marriage longer than a year or two, you definitely need a lawyer to help make sure you don't make a mess of your financial and family futures.

Tips for a Tough Time in Your Life

You can't avoid being upset when you're going through a divorce.  You can figure out how to deal with the anger and sadness you are experiencing.  There are many possible steps you can take, but here are five that should be helpful in any divorce situation.

1.  Stay busy.  Don't just sit around and mope.  Get busy helping your lawyer to get the best deal possible for you.  Your help is absolutely necessary and it will help you feel better.

2.  Accept help from professionals.  You need a lawyer to advise you and you may need a therapist to help work through the emotional side of the transition.  You may also need a CPA or financial planner to help you understand your finances and to help you plan your financial future.

3.  Tune out advise from friends once you get started.  Many times, well-meaning friends can lead you astray by giving advise based on their divorce or what they have heard about someone else's divorce.  Every case is different and the others' divorces may have taken place in other states under different laws.  It can be very dangerous to make decisions based on amatures' advise. Please rely on your attorney and your financial advisor. [Tune out the internet, too, for similar reasons.]

4.  Consider this a business transaction.  If you can be business-like in making decisions in your divorce, you will end up much better than if you just react emotionally and let that control you. Let the rational you be in charge and you will appreciate the results.

5.  Pay attention to you health.  Get plenty of sleep.  Exercise.  Eat well.  Many people going through a divorce stop eating, don't exercise and have trouble sleeping.  You need to be healthy and alert to help your attorney as you work through the divorce. Take care of yourself so you can come out in good physical, as well as financial, shape.

Take these steps so you can remain in control of your own life!

What to Do if the Judge Starts Asking Questions

It seems like in about every case that involves a hearing in Tarrant County, the Judge will ask questions of the parties and sometimes other witnesses.  You need to be prepared to answer properly and respectfully.  Here are some tips to keep in mind.

1.  Be polite.  Yes sir and yes ma'am sound good to the Judge.  Be on your best behavior.

2.  Answer directly, but don't volunteer.  Your attorney can help out by following up with questions, if necessary.  Often, no one wants to know what you think is important for the Judge to know. Let the Judge and your attorney decide what additional information is needed.  You might blurt out something that makes you look very foolish.

3.  Watch your body language.  Don't cross your arms over your chest.  Don't frown.  Try to look pleasant and interested.  You can lean forward a little.  Your attorney may whisper for you to change your posture or expression or arms if they convey the wrong message.

4.  Be reasonable.  That may mean being willing to share time, responsibility or something else.  Be flexible and cooperative.  Judges like that.

5.  Speak up, but not too much.  Don't get loud and obnoxious.  Make sure the Judge can hear you.  Speaking softly can make you seem unsure of your answers.  Speak confidently.

If you follow these tips, you can do well in court if the Judge starts to ask you questions.

Is Expensive Legal Help Worth It?

Choosing the right attorney to help you with a legal problem is almost always a difficult decision.  Part of the problem is that there are so many attorneys to choose from.  Cost is just one consideration, but often a major one. 

If you are given the names of two or three attorneys who are recommended, how do you choose the best one for you?  Ultimately, chemistry, or your gut feeling, may be the most important factor, but cost is still involved.

When you are deciding to go with the more expensive attorney or the more affordable one, here are some points to consider about the value you may get with the more expensive attorney.

1.  The attorney and staff will probably be more experienced.  Usually, attorneys raise their rates over time as they gain more knowledge and experience.  That will probably, although not always, translate into better representation.

2.  You should receive more personal attention.  That should lead to customized solutions to problems.  You can ask questions, always a good idea, and get thoughtful responses.

3.  The case should move along.  The attorney and staff should be efficient because of their experience, so they should know what to expect and how to respond to issues.

4.  There should be quality staff supporting the attorney.  That's very important, but service can be more efficient and you may save some money by having an assistant handle certain steps in a case.

5.  The attorney and staff should be willing to do all necessary work.  Sometimes lower-charging or flat-fee attorneys cut corners because they aren't getting paid for extra work.

When you are hiring an attorney, there are many factors to consider.  Cost is one of the primary ones. My suggestion is to not automatically write off an expensive attorney, as long as you can figure out a realistic way to pay the fees.  You should commit only to what you can afford.

Collaborative Law Compared to Mediation: Which is Better?

Mediation.  Both Collaborative Law and mediation are dispute resolution processes.  Mediation is commonly used in divorce litigation and in other contexts.  I am a mediator and I strongly believe in the value of mediation.  It is great for settling litigated cases of all types.  Almost every divorce case, and most other family law cases in Tarrant County go to mediation before the Judge will consider letting them go to trial, and almost all will settle in mediation.

Collaboration.  Collaborative Law is a great process for settling divorces, but it approaches settlement entirely differently.  While mediation occurs late in the process, often just before a trial date, Collaboration begins at the start of the case.  There are a series of relatively short meetings in Collaborative, rather than one big day of mediation.

There are some other significant differences between the two processes.  Here are some to consider.

1.  Mediation relies on a sole mediation usually, while Collaborative Law utilizes a team approach with a neutral therapist and a neutral financial advisor.  In addition, in Collaborative cases, the attorneys commit to a different role, working together to make sure no one is taken advantage of, than they follow in mediation.

2.  There are essentially different goals.  In mediation, the bargaining often involves staking out extreme starting positions so the parties can move to an acceptable middle ground.  In Collaborative, the parties explain their goals and needs up front and then both sides commit to helping the parties each meet their goals.

3.  In Collaborative, the parties freely share information; in mediation, the parties generally get their information through Discovery and often use motions and hearings to get information.

4.  In Collaborative Law, the parties agree at the beginning to not take advantage of mistakes.  In Mediation, that's not the case.  The parties have to look out for themselves and be as careful as they can be. Mistakes happen in litigation and mediation and it's too bad.

5.  In Collaborative, single, neutral experts are routinely used.  That only happens occasionally in litigation and mediation. The parties work together with their experts in Collaborative.

What all of this means is that Collaborative Law is a safer, more flexible process that is tuned to the needs of both parties.  If you are using litigation for a divorce, get to mediation as soon as possible so you can get the case settled.  If you are just starting on your divorce, look seriously at using Collaborative Law for a better process and a better result.

The Hidden Costs of Cheap Legal Fees

When you're looking for an attorney to hire, you're probably doing doing a balancing act.  You want to get the best possible attorney, but many people are concerned about keeping the attorney's fees as low as possible.

To complicate matters, there's not always a direct correlation between higher fees and quality of attorney.  Most often, more experienced attorneys charge more and probably do a better job than less experienced attorneys. But, that's not always the case.

When you're choosing an attorney, you have to find the right combination of experience and affordability.  Chemistry is probably the key to focus on.  Make sure, regardless of the cost, that the attorney makes you feel like there's a good fit.

For those who focus almost exclusively on paying the lowest attorney's fees, here are some thoughts to consider.

1.  You're going to end up with a much less experienced attorney.  Now, you may get an attorney who has adequate experience for your needs, and that's what you should aim for. A lack of experience may translate into missed opportunities for settlement or for new approaches.

2.  Watch out for a high-volume practice.  If your attorney charges  very low fees because he or she handles a high volume of cases, you are probably not going to get much attention.  You may be adequately represented, but you may well feel very uncomfortable with the lack of contact with the attorney. You will be one of many clients. 

3.  You may end up with standardized or guideline orders.  Your case might benefit from personal attention and extra preparation, but you're not likely to get them from a low-cost attorney.

4.  There may be a turnover in attorneys and staff in a low-cost law firm.  If they aren't charging clients much, they usually don't pay their attorneys and staff much, so there's frequent turnover as employees look for better-paying jobs.

5.  You're probably just paying for minimum efforts.  Low pay = low effort.  If your case has some unique details (and whose doesn't?), you may not get your needs met.

Think hard and pay attention to the chemistry between you and any prospective attorney.  Money is a realistic consideration in hiring an attorney, but don't let it be the only one.

Should We Fight or Should We Talk?

For many people, the title states the choices they see when they approach a divorce (or a divorce approaches them!).

You might as well recognize that talking is the better option.  Here's why.

No matter how angry someone is at the beginning of a divorce, the parties almost always end up talking and reaching a settlement.  In some cases, though, the parties spend a lot of time fighting before they start seriously talking.

Divorce, contrary to popular perception, is ultimately a process of agreement, although many people manage to take detours onto argument trails and delays.  Fighting takes time and money, but some people get blinded by anger or a desire to punish or get revenge for their spouse's bad behavior, which may be real or imagined. In addition, many people wrongly assume that divorce centers around courtroom battles.

Eventually, fighting usually subsides as anger wanes, money is dissipated or the parties face a date in court.  Facing a choice between letting a Judge make all the decisions or making their own decisions on the outcome, most people choose to control their own destiny.

Here's a simplified version of the standard, Texas divorce process:

1.  File a Petition for Divorce.
2.  Get notice to the other party.
3.  Have a temporary hearing or hearings on various matters, or reach informal agreements.
4.  Gather information, either formally or informally.
5.  Negotiate to final agreement, very often in mediation, or in rare cases, have a final trial.
6.  Prepare a Final Decree of Divorce and get it signed by the Judge.

The opportunities to negotiate are numerous.

• Prior to filing.
• Immediately after filing.
• At court, each time there's a hearing scheduled.
• After the information is exchanged.
• Informal final terms negotiations near the end of the case.
• Mediation.

For the best results, I suggest that you:

• Always be prepared to negotiate -- Get the information you need and make a plan for negotiations to create options to meet your needs.
• Always be willing to negotiate -- Don't let anger or revenge keep you from doing what's best for you in the long run. 

Negotiating is a sign of intelligence, not weakness.

Starting with Forgiveness

We all have many conflicts in our lives.  Some marriages are destroyed by serious conflicts that aren't resolved. Friendships end and family relationships are damaged because of resentments and hurt feelings.  Relationships in business, school and politics, as well as between neighbors are damaged or ended because of anger and resentments that aren't resolved.

When people get divorced, there are often continuing resentments, hurt feelings and anger even after the divorce is final.  We all know the result of that:  arguments, fighting over issues big and small, stress and continuing bad feelings. 

Keep in Mind:  Fighting--Bad,   Peace--Good.

That's pretty simplistic, but it's true.  I have seen many people continue pointless fighting because one or both of the parties can't let go.  It's costly and it's stressful.  Most people continue their fights by filing motions and going to court  or by acting in ways that will obviously trigger the other side to file something and go to court.

Forgiving and living peacefully will make life less stressful.  That means, among other things, lower blood pressure and a healthier life. It will also save money from being spent on attorneys and court.

Happier parents = happier kids!  It's so obvious, it shouldn't need to be said. For parents who are concerned about their children's best interests, fighting is the last thing they would consider.

So, how do you move from anger to forgiveness?  I'd like to say, "Simple" and then give you a simple, effective way to do that, but I can't. Here are some things I can suggest.

1.  Let a little time pass.  Wounds heal and anger often subsides.  Also, as the parties get used to changes, the problems sometimes will diminish.

2.  Go to a counselor.  There are many different kinds of counselors and they charge different rates.  As a cheaper alternative to a professional counselor, you can talk with a minister, rabbi, priest, or other religious-oriented counselor, and they should be able to talk with you about the importance of forgiveness.

3.  Use Collaborative Law to work out remaining issues.  If the issues are significant, you may want to use attorneys and an MHP to work out solutions for the problems.

4.  Use social workers who work with the Court.  Many larger counties, such as Tarrant County, have a Domestic Relations Office with social workers who are trained to help resolve issues, even post-divorce, regarding children.

5.  Take a co-parenting class with your ex.  Your attorney or counselor can help you find appropriate classes, and some are online now.  If both parties take the classes, they can be very helpful.

Hopefully, if you are caught up in conflict, you can break free and help yourself by showing forgiveness.  It will help you and your whole family.

5 Types of Divorce Processes

If you are looking to get a divorce, there are many decisions to be made.  Among them are the type of process you will use.  Yes, there's more than one way to get a divorce.


1st Decision:  Lawyer or No Lawyer?
Hopefully, you will go see a lawyer and get advice, but you do have the option of representing yourself.  While there are free or low-cost forms available to do your own divorce, you should carefully consider your decision.  There are some circumstances where it is difficult to afford to hire an attorney, but I do recommend that you find a way to hire one unless yours is a very short marriage and you have no children and no significant property.

2nd Decision:  You have a range of processes for handling divorces.  How do you want to approach this?

• Kitchen table.  At one end, there is negotiation around the kitchen table, a very informal way of coming to agreements.  In some cases, that works out well -- short marriages, no kids, few assets and a civil relationship between the parties. Hopefully, both parties know all the financial facts and understand them.

• Mediation. Another option is mediation, with or without attorneys.  I have seen enough non-attorney agreements to believe that you really need to have an attorney present at the mediation or at least the advice of an attorney throughout the process.  Otherwise, the result may be appealing but not workable. 

• Litigation.  This is the default approach where the parties file suit and go to court.  They have temporary orders hearings and go through a formal Discovery process to request, receive and exchange information and documents.There are often multiple hearings and various pleadings generated.  Eventually, if the case doesn't settle by discussions between the attorneys, it will usually go to mediation.  If that fails to settle the case, trial is the final step.

• Collaborative Law. Finally, there's Collaborative Law where the parties each have attorneys and agree to not go to court.  Instead, they conduct a series of meetings and work with a neutral therapist and neutral financial expert. The parties work cooperatively with the experts and their attorneys to gather any information needed and then work out agreements based on their specific needs. A lot of the preliminary work is done by the neutral experts which saves money and produces quality results.

How do you decide which process to try?  Talk with an attorney and figure out what best meets your needs and abilities. Be aware that some attorneys don't do Collaborative Law and they may try to steer you away from it.  Make sure you are meeting with a Family Law attorney who actually handles Collaborative cases. You can ask how many Collaborative cases the attorney has handled and when the attorney has attended training for Collaborative Law.

While Collaborative may not work for everyone, if the attorney tries to talk you out of using it, go to a different attorney for a second opinion. You may decide to not use Collaborative Law, but you should at least get good information when you are deciding.

Keep in mind that there's no single right answer on how to proceed.  Do yourself a favor by researching processes and attorneys ahead of time, if you can.  Think about how you want the divorce to end up, and then choose the best process to meet your objectives.