Getting Through the Holidays -- Post Divorce

If your divorce is final and you are now facing the major holiday season, there are lots of adjustments for you to make.  If you have children, you have to work with them to both keep some of the family traditions and create some new ones.  Even if it has been several years since the divorce was finalized, holidays can still be a difficult time.

With that in mind, here are some tips on how to deal with the holidays.

1.  Start by checking the court order on scheduling.  Is it your year for Thanksgiving?  How is the time allocated when the kids are out of school?  You probably don't have to stick with the official schedule if you and your ex both agree on something else, but it's a good starting point.

2.  Go ahead and send any notices that are required.  Some orders provide that one parent must notify the other parent by a certain date if they are going to have the children or if they are going out of town or perhaps for some other reason.  It doesn't hurt to send a notice early and that could give early warning which might help avoid conflicts later.

3.  Make reservations, if you are traveling.  With the way hotels and airlines book up early, it's a good idea to start as soon as you can. You can get a better deal, plus it's a good way to reinforce with your ex that the children will be with you at certain times. It will also be less stressful for you if you have reservations worked out early.

4.  Be prepared for compromises and last-minute complications.  It's not always the fault of your ex.  Sometimes, kids forget to tell their parents about plans, projects or messages until the last minute.  Don't get angry if something comes up.  Be willing to talk things through and find a solution that works for the kids, and hopefully, both parents.  Consider meeting with a counselor, if there's time.

5.  Be flexible.  Remember that kids are young for just a limited time.  Both parents should work together to share that time and make things right for the kids.  There are always alternatives that can be found.  If you find out about conflicting plans or other problems, don't blow up.  If you find out early enough, you can work with a counselor, attorney or mediator.  If it's a last-minute issue, and you can't figure out a solution, call an experienced attorney who can brainstorm with you and maybe tell you what others have done in similar situations,  Be open to compromise.

The keys to having pleasant holidays include planning ahead, working through conflicts and being flexible.  Start early in dealing with how you will be sharing time with the children.

Don't Try These at Home: Good-Sounding Ideas that Lead to Conflict

Although I am all for compromise, creativity and maximum contact with the kids for both parents, I have to recommend against using the following, based on my experience in actual cases.

1.  Frequent phone calls to the children.  Many parents want to be able to call the children, or worse, want the children to call the parent, every evening or at other times and frequencies.  Almost always, that leads to arguments.  The parent who has the children doesn't want to interrupt their activities.  Sometimes the kids are out somewhere, but the other parent doesn't believe it, or sometimes the parent in possession intentionally makes it impossible for the other parent to talk with the kids. Often the kids don't want to stop playing, watching videos, texting or talking with their friends, even doing homework, in order to talk with the other parent.  In some situations, the parent with the kids sets up something that conflicts with the scheduled call time so the kids are available or the kids don't want to stop what they're doing.

For some parents insisting on the calls, it's a control scheme.  They want to lock down the other parent and prevent them from being able to plan activities at certain times and they like to threaten court action against the parent in possession

There are so many different ways that problems come up, it's generally  better to not require such calls.  Another alternative, depending on the age of the children, is for the non-possessory parent to provide cell phones to the children.  Then, the kids can call or text the parent or the parent can call or text the children anytime.

2.  Right of first refusal.  While it sounds like  nice idea for the non-possessory parent to have the right to take care of the children if the other parent won't be around to care for them for a while, the devil is in the details.  How much time is needed to trigger the provision:  2 or 3 hours, 6 hours, overnight?  What are the notice provisions?  What if the kids just want to spend the night with their friends or other relatives?  Why shouldn't grandparents get some time with the kids?

While this sounds like a parent wanting to spend more time with their kids, it often is a control mechanism as well.  It's a way to isolate children from one side of their family if they don't get to spend the night with relatives.  There is frequent conflict over how the right of first refusal applies in a given situation.  A big part of that is threatened litigation and punishment.

Given the fighting and stress over this issue, you should think twice before incorporating it in a court order.

3.  Weeknights in the summer.  In the Texas standard possession order, the non-possessory parent usually gets the children every Thursday night during the school year.  It's limited to the school year because the schedule changes so much in the summer when each parent can have the children for 2 to 3 to 4 weeks at a time.  Adding weeknights in the summer ends up potentially shorting the time of the possessory parent.  I have seen a schedule where the schedule was manipulated and planned so carefully that the possessory parent ended up with only about 4 days total in June and July.  That's not right for the parent or the children.

Extra weeknights are not needed for the summer.  The standard possession schedule gives plenty of time for each parent and it doesn't encourage fighting or greed.

These are all three ideas that sometimes can be good for both parents and children.  However, I recommend against using them because most often they lead to conflict that could be avoided.