Can I Have My 12-Year-Old Child to Talk with the Judge?

The quick answer:  Yes.  

This is one of the most common  questions for Internet  searches that bring people to this blog, so I want to update my previous response. 

The Texas Family Code has been revised  -- no more written statements or battles of affidavits by a child.  It used to be that a parent who wanted his/her child to come live with him/her would talk it up over time with the child and then get the child to sign a statement saying he/she wanted to live primarily with a certain parent.  Naturally, the original parent would then pressure the child and get a similar written statement signed favoring the original parent.  Thankfully, that is no longer allowed.

Now, we can have a child talk directly to the Judge in most cases.  Hopefully, people will stop and consider whether that is a good idea.

Why do it?  People think it will help their case.  If their kid chose him/her, surely the Judge will go along with that.  It might work out that way, but it may also backfire and the Judge may figure out some undue influence has been exerted, or the Judge may figure out that the child has been manipulating everyone.  In any event, the Judge is not bound to do what a child requests.

Another problem: Stress.   Having to talk with a Judge will put a lot of stress on the child, not to mention the stress of having to choose one parent over the other.  Children often tell  each parent  that they want to live with  them.  Kids generally don't want to chose one parent over the other. They want to live in peace and usually want good relationships with both parents.

A different type problem is sometimes created:  empowering a child who then believes he/she can call the shots.  Some children realize the power they have and take advantage by holding out for rewards like a car, phone, video games, computer or other expensive item that the other parent won't or can't provide.

Finally,  when either or both parents try to influence the child, Judges have been around the block a few times and they can usually sniff that out.  If Judges detect that activity, they don't appreciate it and they will probably hold it against whoever chooses to do it.

Better choices: try a Collaborative approach and work together, or work with a counselor to generate ideas, or go to mediation, or have both parents go to a counselor (maybe include the child)

My bottom line:  Keep the kids out of the middle!  The adults can pursue their preferences for custody without trying to get the kids to take sides.

Fighting for Custody in a Paternity Case

Children are born out of wedlock under a variety of circumstances. Sometimes there's a long-term relationship, sometimes a one-night stand. Sometimes the father is involved all the way and sometimes the father isn't informed until months or years after the child's birth. Some fathers choose not to be involved and try to avoid responsibility. Other fathers try to be as involved as the mother will permit. Some unmarried parents work very well together, some don't get along at all, and others can set up a plan and follow it, even when the parents don't really like each other.

Obviously, there are many different circumstances when a child is brought into the world with parents who aren't married. One factor that almost always appears is a court order to officially establish who the father is and then set child support and terms of access to the child. It will also allocate the rights of parents between the two parents. All together, that amounts to a custody determination.

In most cases where a child is born out of wedlock, the child ends up with the mom who has most of the significant parental rights and has the child the majority of the time. The father usually is ordered to pay child support and has visitation rights. In the future, child support and visitation often become repetitive sources of conflict between the parents.

In a few cases, the father of the baby decides to try to win custody of the child. For the fathers who are considering such actions, here are some issues to consider.

1. Do you really want the responsibility that goes with having primary custody? Or do you just want a lot of time with the child? Do you want decision-making powers, or want to share them, or does that matter to you? What are your underlying goals or needs? These are questions you should answer and discuss with your attorney.

2. Are you prepared to take primary care of a child? Do you have the knowledge and experience to be able to deal with your child's needs in an age-appropriate manner? You can certainly learn, but there are a lot of things you will need to do that you may not intuitively know.

3. How do you compare to the other parent on parenting issues? Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. A judge will be evaluating both parents to determine who has the best skills, experience and attitude for taking care of a child. If possible, you should be able to demonstrate your competence as a parent.

4. If you haven't been the primary caregiver, why should the court switch to you? That's really a key question. Even if this may be the first official custody determination for your child, there is a natural tendency to view it as an issue of whether custody should be modified or changed, if one parent has had significant time where she has been the primary or only parent involved. You need to have some powerful reasons why the court should upset the living arrangements. It's not always best to leave a child where he/she has been, but it is common for a judge to start with a preference to not change a stable arrangement.

5. Ultimately, what is in the child's best interest? That is, absolutely, the bottom-line issue. You need to be able to articulate what the child's best interest is and why you are in the best position to help meet your child's actual needs.

If you are considering fighting for custody for a child born out of wedlock, you should think carefully before you start the fight. Try to figure out what your real underlying interests are. Don't get stuck just thinking about possible solutions. What are your strengths and weaknesses? Are you prepared for a tough, expensive and emotional fight? Think and analyze before you act. Get counsel from wise family members and friends, but lean heavily on the advice of an experienced family law attorney who has seen and been involved in such cases in the past.

Remember to look before you leap!

When Can a Child Decide Where to Live?

One of the most frequent searches on the Internet on family law issues is the question: "At what age can the child decide where he/she will live?" As the Oregon Divorce Blog recently stated, that's a trick question. The answer is that the child can decide at age 18. When the child legally becomes an adult, the court no longer has control over the child. Until then, only the judge ultimately decides.

There are, however, several ways to have some influence.

• The child can talk to the parents about the decision. As much as I don't like involving children in these decisions, sometimes a child is mature and has a reasonable basis for a change in living arrangements. What's potentially damaging is for a parent to want a change of custody and then recruit the child to become an advocate. That should be avoided. Sometimes parents try to act like the request originated with the child, but it usually doesn't. Another bad situation is when a child works the parents against each other.

• A Social Study can be done for the court. The social worker can interview the child and evaluate the what the child has to say. The worker ultimately makes a recommendation from all the information gathered from a variety of sources.

• An attorney can be appointed to represent the child in some cases, but the attorney isn't free. The parties have to come up with the funds to pay the attorney, in addition to paying their own attorney.

• Sometimes, a court will appoint a psychologist to interview or work with a child. That gives the child an outlet, but it's not free either.

• In Tarrant County divorce or custody cases, or for visitation issues, the court will often order Access Facilitation. That is a pretty effective process that has the two parents meet with a social worker from the court to discuss and try to resolve custody or visitation issues. There is no cost for that service.

• The child may be permitted to visit with the judge in chambers and discuss the situation without the parents and attorneys being present, but the judge will always make the ultimate decision. Children are sometimes disappointed with the outcome of that process. Most judges are experienced enough to detect when a child has been programmed or when a child is trying to manipulate the situation. There is no slam dunk result when a child actually gets into a one-on-one with the judge. Nevertheless, the judge can gain some valuable insight into the family if s/he visits with a child in chambers.
  

The element in common with all those approaches: it's always the judge who decides, and never the child.

There are certainly situations that arise where there is a serious conflict between parent and child, and sometimes a change of scenery is good for everyone. Parents should do their best to keep their children out of the middle, no matter what the case. Actually, the Collaborative Law process provides good, safe opportunities for parents or child to make changes. I will have a new post soon on that approach. In the meantime, feel free to visit my other blog, Texas Collaborative Law Blog.

Can My 12-Year-Old Decide to Live with Me?

No. One of the most common mis-perceptions about Texas law is that once a child turns 12, he or she can decide where he or she will live, meaning the child can decide who has custody.

I would ask all parents out there to think about how many major decisions a 12-year-old gets to make alone and have the decisions bind his/her parents.

• Whether to attend school?
• Whether to do homework?
• Whether to drink or do drugs?
• Whether to get a tattoo or piercing?
• When to start voting?
• When to start driving?
• What films to view?

Those are all major decisions that parents, generally, don't abdicate to the children. Courts don't either. And state law doesn't either.

The reasons: lack of maturity, lack of experience, lack of knowledge and lack of legal capacity. Basically, we know children are usually not prepared to make serious decisions. Some children may be perfectly capable of making some of those decisions, but usually, that is not the case.

If you read the section of the Texas Family Code dealing with a choice of conservator, the Code does permit a child of at least 12 years of age to file a written statement to name the person the child prefers to decide his/her primary residence. In other words, a child can sign a written statement stating his/her choice for custody.

The key phrase follows that part of the Code: "subject to the approval of the court". In other words, the judge always makes the final decision. The child does not get to make a binding decision.

My suggestion is to keep the children out of the court system. They don't need to be involved in choosing sides. Kids usually lack the maturity to make a good decision. Plus, it puts kids in the middle between the parents, and that's not good. If necessary, the judge can interview a child (at least 12 years of age) to find out some facts about the case. Even then, it is unlikely that a judge will ask the child to name who should have custody. The parents are perfectly capable of finding and presenting all the necessary facts for a judge to make the decision.

What do you think about letting kids have a say on this topic?

Why Parents Fight Over Custody -- 20 Quick Reasons

Custody fights occur probably more frequently than they need to during divorces. Many factors and forces come into play and result in litigation over child custody. Here are some of the common reasons why parents may engage in a custody fight. Anyone going through a divorce and contemplating a custody fight should take some time to realistically assess their motivation and the probability of success in a custody fight. If you are thinking about beginning a custody fight, take a minute and look at the following list. Mark the reason or reasons for your consideration of a custody fight. Dig below the surface and be honest! Think about which reasons are really good and appropriate reasons for contesting custody.

1. The parent has a sincere belief that he/she is the better parent.

2. A wife may want to avoid the embarrassment of being a mother who doesn't have custody of her child.

3. The parent may be really mad at the other parent, often on an issue not at all related to kids. It's a way to really demonstrate anger and get a response.

4. One parent may use the fight to punish the other parent. It's an opportunity to say some really bad and hurtful things about the other spouse. It may seem like an easy way to get revenge.

5. It can be an easy way to control the other parent. Getting started in a custody fight usually involves a great deal of court or agency oversight. Just making some allegations will produce a "lock-down" approach where severe restrictions can be imposed on the other party.

6. A custody fight, or even the threat of one, can help a parent gain a strategic concession on some other issue, i.e. property division. The reward for giving up a custody fight (even one that was surely a loser) may be some substantial assets given up by the other parent.

7. Amazingly, some parents will try to win custody primarily to avoid paying child support. Those parents obviously have not been very involved in raising kids.

8. Sometimes, there's a fight because a parent doesn't like the proposed visitation scheme. That's a "nothing to lose" approach. If the visitation schedule won't work, maybe having custody will.

9. The parent can't imagine being away from the child.

10. Family pressure may provoke a custody fight where a parent might not have tried it if the parent had been left alone.

11. Religious reasons, i.e. how the child is to be raised, may be the motivation of a deeply committed parent if the other parent does not share the beliefs or depth of beliefs of the first parent.

12. Mental or emotional issues of the parent wanting custody may lead to the action. Sometimes, a parent does not view the world in the same way that most of society does. A person with a maladjusted point of view may feel compelled to seek custody when objective and well-grounded parents would not.

13. A desire to maintain an active parenting role could be the motivation. Of course, there are many different ways to be an active, involved parent.

14. When there's a strong disagreement about the care-taking plans for the child, a custody fight can easily develop.

15. A parent may seek custody if there is a belief that the parent has superior resources for taking care of the child, i.e. the parent has more money and can afford to provide a better home, better schools and better opportunities for the child.

16. A mom may believe that the mother should always have custody.

17. A parent may believe that the child is more bonded to one of the parents.

18. The custody fight may just be an effort to financially ruin the other spouse.

19. Trying to win custody may be an effort to avoid having the child around the other spouse's family.

20. Sometimes, one parent may just enjoy fighting with the other parent.

Which of these is your motivation? Which ones do you think are good reasons for a custody fight? I think 1, 8, 11, 13, 14, 15 and 17 are appropriate reasons in some circumstances. What do you think? In addition to the costs involved, think about what your true, underlying reasons are for seeking custody. There may be some much better long-term alternatives available which you and your attorney can come up with.

Untraditional Custody Plans

A small article in the July 6, 2008 Parade magazine had some interesting comments about fathers' roles with their children after a divorce. The story mentioned the obvious, that many fathers lose contact with their children after a divorce and that most fathers are given the right to see their children two weekends a month and a few hours during the week. The Texas standard possession schedule is actually more generous than what Parade mentioned, but it still constitutes a huge change for those fathers who are used to seeing and interacting with their children every day.

There were two alternatives mentioned in the article that were interesting. One, which is becoming more common, is to have equal time. It used to be that judges would never consider that. Now, however, there seems to be more openness to such an approach. "Equal time" is easy to discuss in the abstract, but can be complicated when day care, homework, school activities and extra-curricular activities are factored in. Sometimes, religious activities also complicate matters. It's probably too early to say that there is a consensus that such a time sharing is good or bad for the kids or that both parents like the arrangement. Trying such an approach would require a lot of cooperation and maturity with the parents. Living close together would also be helpful. If parents really think they want to try to share time equally, they would be well advised to bring in a child specialist who could help them work through the practical details and adjustments that would be required for success.

Another possibility is to set a proportionate schedule where each parent has the children about the same amount of time that they were with the children when the couple was together. Of course, there are some potential difficulties with that approach. The parties would need to live near each other, preferably in the same school district, so there wouldn't be much travel time. Another complication is when one or both parents change jobs, or start working, which could affect the time availability for the parents. Also, a parent may not have been able to spend much time with the children for a period just before the separation, but now is able and wanting to spend more time with the children.

A complication under both approaches is how to handle child support. Sometimes, with equal time, neither party pays child support; many such parents refuse to pay child support because the other parent does not have "primary possession" of the children. In other cases, child support is figured for each parent and then the higher-income parent pays the difference (or half the difference) in the two amounts to the other parent.

Other issues to be resolved include the right to the tax exemptions for the children and the right to make certain essential decisions, such as medical care and education, for the children.

How to be a successful custody innovator:

1. Don't limit yourself to preconceived ideas or standard approaches.

2. At the same time, even though a particular plan may have worked for someone you know, don't assume that it will automatically work for you.

3. The parents must communicate well with each other for a major time-sharing arrangement to work.

4. Parents must be willing to live near each other and have a lot of contact after the divorce.

5. Counseling or co-parenting classes can help foster the right parental attitudes.

6. Parents probably need to consult with a child specialist to work out the details, especially if they try something really exotic. Keep in mind the children's ages and emotional development.

7. Always check with your attorney to find out if your judge is likely to accept what you are proposing.

Hopefully, you will come up with an appropriate, effective, comfortable plan for sharing time with your children in a less stressful and more supportive atmosphere for them.

How Can a Father Win Custody?

This is another question in my periodic series of common questions from clients. The short answer to how fathers can win custody is: the same way mothers do. There is often still a perception that women automatically always win custody. That is not true. Mothers still end up with custody more often than fathers, but in contested cases that is not necessarily true. While there are still a few judges who automatically favor mothers, there are many other judges who bend over backwards to be fair to both sides. Juries in Texas don't shy away from awarding custody to the more deserving parent, male or female.

The easiest way for a father to get primary custody of a child is to do so through negotiations. Sometimes both parents will agree that the father is the more appropriate parent for primary custody because he is in better financial shape or has more time available or has a better relationship with the child, or for some other reason. Sometimes the parents work out creative arrangements that fit the schedules of both parents and the child. Collaborative Law is very helpful in setting up customized plans for sharing time with a child.

The question, though, really refers to those cases where the parties can't reach an agreement. For those cases, I offer the following seven tips to win custody. They will work for fathers or mothers.

1. Be the primary caregiver. The parent who has always, or recently, been the primary parent taking care of the child does have an advantage with judges and juries, unless the parenting has not benefited the child. When the child is thriving, the primary caregiver has an advantage.

2. Be involved at school and home. This is more than just being present for a time period. Help with homework. Give encouragement to the child. Play with the child. Talk with your child. Read to or with your child. Have meals together. Volunteer and help at school. Keep up with your child's grades and homework. Get to know the teachers and Principal. Know about and deal with any problems when they first show up. Get to know your child's friends and their parents.

3. Be good with kids. Don't be afraid of kids. Loosen up and have fun with them. Be able to talk with other kids. Participate with kids whenever and wherever you can. It's OK to act like a kid sometimes, but don't go so far that you give up appropriate parental authority. Share interests and activities with your child.

4. Be cooperative with the other parent. Be flexible in sharing time with the parent. Share information about activities and plans. Try to help each other where you child benefits. Some parents lose custody when they unreasonably refuse to cooperate to share time with the kids. Children normally benefit when the parents get along. Avoid negativity, blame and name-calling about the other parent, even when you may think it is justified. Take the adult role and set a good example for your child and the other parent. Remember, you may need a favor some day (or weekend).

5. Speak positively of the other parent and be supportive of them. Making critical comments about the other parent when your child is around is inappropriate, even when you are convinced the remarks are "the truth". Since your child is part you and part the other parent, attacking the other parent can feel like an attack on the child. It is much better to take the high road and refrain from negativity when the child is around. It's the same advice you have probably given your child to help him or her deal with peers.

6. Be knowledgeable about parenting. This takes some effort. We aren't usually born with innate knowledge of how to be a good parent. Some learn this as they grow up. Others may not have spent much time (at least recently) around kids, so they need to learn what to do. They can read, take classes and get help from experienced parents. Good parents are constantly learning more about kids, especially as their kids mature and move into new stages of development.

7. Follow the court orders. It's a serious mistake to violate visitation orders, by either the primary or non-primary custodian. Improperly keeping the kids from the other parent never looks good to the court or a jury. Failure to exercise visitation or possession times allocated to you create doubts about how seriously you want to have primary custody. It's also hard to ask the court to award custody to a parent who regularly does not properly pay child support. If the visitation order or child support amount needs to be changed, try to negotiate or file a motion to change it, but don't just take matters into your own hands. Lack of obedience to an order usually has a negative impact on your child, can result in incarceration of the offender and creates a negative impression of you with the decision-maker in a custody case. It's important to comply with court orders as long as they are in place.

These seven tips are all factors often relied on by judges or juries who are deciding custody questions. They all start and end with being a good parent.

End of Summer Custody Disputes: Possible Solutions

The family law courts usually become busier in late July and August. Many custody change cases are filed and the parents want the issue resolved favorably before school starts. Unfortunately, it often takes many months or a year or more to get a final decision. Sometimes, it’s hard to get even a temporary decision before school starts. On top of that, it can be a very expensive process to be involved in.

When faced with a choice to file for custody, or a choice of how to
respond to a custody change suit, wise parents will consider whether there are any other ways for the parties to achieve their goals. The answer often is "yes".

Here are some suggestions to consider if you are faced with this issue in the near future.

• The parents can work together through the Collaborative Law process. It would be especially beneficial to bring in a child specialist to help them come up with some original creative ideas.


• If a parent really just wants more time with the child and recognizes that the current home is good, maybe letting the non-custodial parent pick up the child after school, or see the child in the evenings during the week or have an extra night or two overnight would help.


• If there are school problems, maybe bringing in a tutor, or letting the other parent tutor, would solve the problem. With school issues, it really is better to have both parents working together to come up with solutions. Again, a child specialist could be very helpful.


• Having both parents take a co-parenting class would help, especially if they were in the same class together. That way, they would both get the same information.
• If there are scheduling problems, maybe the parties could use an on-line service to share a calendar. There are several services available at very little cost and not requiring high tech expertise.


• The parents could also go to counseling together or even include the child in counseling. If the parties can work together somewhat, attending counseling together could be very effective.


• If both parties have strong feelings about some issues, they could go to a mediator or meet with a child specialist to work out some creative solutions. Having a qualified, neutral professional help them would give them a better chance of success.

You may have noticed that none of the suggestions involved rushing to the courthouse, filing and getting a hearing as quickly as possible. That’s because going to court is expensive, it escalates the fighting, it damages relationships and it generally will result in some standardized order that may not be very comfortable or effective for the parents and child. Usually, one side prevails in court and the other loses. Creativity is in short supply at the courthouse. A better solution is to think and talk before filing. Don’t get caught up in the emotion or perceived opportunity to succeed by starting a court fight. A better course of action is to keep the big picture in mind and focus on what’s truly best for your child – not just what you want!

End of Summer Custody Disputes: Should I Try to Get Custody?

Every year, at the end of July or the first of August, there is an upsurge of court filings where the non-custodial parent is seeking custody of a child, hopefully to be resolved before school starts. Immediately preceding that upsurge, the child has often spent from a week or two to a month with the non-custodial parent. Parting is not always sweet sorrow and when it is time for the child to go back to the other parent, often the battle begins.

There are four common ways that these conflicts develop.

First, there is a spontaneous start. The parent and child miss each other when they’re not together and they may have had an especially wonderful visit this time. Either the parent or child may start a discussion after thinking how wonderful it would be to live together "all the time".

A second possibility is that conditions (job, home, school, remarriage, etc.) may have changed and the change of custody might really be in the child’s best interest.

A third possibility is that one party has been planning it for a long time and has been planting seeds of discontent, envy or desire through hints or little comments made to the child or around the child. In effect, a parent can make a direct or indirect offer of some type to win over a child. Telling a child of 12 that he or she can get a computer game system or telephone if they live with the non-custodial parent can be pretty powerful. Promises of a car or freedom to do things the other parent won’t permit can work with older children.

A fourth possibility is that a party may act maliciously. That could include inventing or distorting allegations of abuse or neglect, or simply agitating behind the scenes to undermine the other parent. Often, a parent acting maliciously is actually angry over some unrelated and unresolved issue and uses the custody fight to get back at the other parent or to intimidate the other parent from pursuing some other matter.

Whatever the motivation, the difficult situation is often made worse by one side having a child, 12 years of age or older, sign a statement expressing his or her preference of the person he or she wants to designate the child’s primary residence. Even though signing that statement puts the child squarely in the middle, Texas law permits it and it is often used. (Quite frequently, the child later signs a statement choosing the original custodial parent to be the one to designate the child’s primary residence.)

Here are 5 things to consider when deciding whether to file a motion to change custody or when deciding how to respond to such a motion.

1. What would be in your child’s best interest? It’s not a
question about a parent – it’s about the child. Where is the best school? Where are the child’s friends? Which home is better, or are they both OK? Does the child have some special needs? If so, how can each parent contribute? Is one parent better able to provide support and nurturing than the other? Where is the better environment for the child? The focus should be on your child.

2. What’s really changed since custody was last determined?
While there are always changes in life, are there some significant changes that have affected your child?

3. Be careful to avoid manipulation by your child. Children learn
early that they can win by playing both parents against each other. They understand that they can create a bidding war and come out ahead. They can also punish one parent by wanting to live with the other one. If your child has initiated this process, look for signs of manipulation.

4. Figure out the underlying motivations of each party. Is this
really just a way to get to spend more time with a child? Is it intended to either get or avoid paying child support? (If so, it’s pretty short-sighted.) Have there been problems in sharing time between the parents? Does one parent really have a much better environment for the child now? Are there other conflicts between the parents? If so, is a custody fight a way to put pressure on the other parent?

5. What is this going to cost, financially and relationship-wise? Can you afford a custody fight that could cost tens of thousands of dollars? Is there a better use for that money? If you have gotten along well with the other parent, a custody fight will probably end the cooperation and peaceful coexistence. If the relationship is already not good, there may not be as much at stake, but that may mean that the other parent will fight harder out of anger. Either way, there will be a substantial cost.

A decision to file for a change of custody during the summer should not be made lightly. Before filing, one should carefully consider any hidden agendas, the costs involved, the reasons for changing and possible alternatives to filing.

A Win-Win Custody Battle Strategy

Many times, at the start of a divorce, parents see custody of the children as an either-or situation: one parent has custody and the other is relegated to a visitation/possession schedule. In situations where both parents sincerely would like “custody”, and it’s not just a strategic move for some ulterior purpose (such as gaining more property or paying less child support), the either-or/win-lose mind set can lead to really damaging actions by both parties. In such an approach, the natural inclination, often encouraged by attorneys and friends, is to attack the other parent. Many people think they should devote a lot of energy to proving the other parent is “unfit”.

Actually, it is often true that both parents are good parents, which makes it really hard to prove each other unfit. Attacking each other is expensive in the short-term, both financially and in terms of relationships, and it’s probably not really very persuasive with a judge or jury. It’s hard to keep a good relationship with someone who is saying terrible things about you in public. Judges want to know what good parenting qualities each parent has. In reality, one of the most important factors is who has spent the most time with the children, although there can be many things that are influential.

Instead of limiting yourself to only two options, winning it all or losing, there is another, more productive way to approach the custody issue. The approach may require more maturity than some parties can muster, but, for those able to shift gears, think rationally and be patient, the following approach can be rewarding for them and their children. These steps can lead to a better solution for all, especially the children.

1. Think about, discuss and decide what your ultimate goals are for the kids. What outcomes would you like to see? Many people would want some of the following (or similar) goals:

The kids having a great relationship with both parents
The kids having a great relationship with their extended families
Financial security for the children
Having a safe, secure home for the children
Having good schools for the kids
Providing for a college education for the children
Providing sports opportunities for the children
The opportunity for the kids to learn music, art or other interests

Each parent can decide what he or she thinks would be important goals for their children. Broader, underlying goals are more helpful and meaningful. If both parents think of goals in broad terms, they often can agree on them.

2. Look at the big picture. What are the resources to work with:

Financial abilities of the parents
Parental/family member time available
What homes and schools are available and affordable
What the parents’ neighborhoods are like
The existing relationships between parents and children and the roles each parent plays with the children
What community resources are available
What special needs, if any, a child has
What interests the child has

3. Brainstorm options. Think up as many different solutions as you can. Sometimes it is helpful to get help from a parenting expert. Spend some time and try to be non-traditional or unconventional. Don’t limit yourself to “standard” solutions. Open up your thoughts to come up with some crazy ideas because they might just turn into good ideas.

4. Evaluate your options. See if they can help achieve your identified goals. Criticizing and testing your options can lead to the discovery of other ideas and can help you narrow down the choices until you are left with an idea or ideas that work.

Implementation: This process can helpful if just you do it, but it is really better if you can do it with the other parent. Collaborative Law is one way to accomplish that. This is actually a very common approach to problem-solving in Collaborative Law. Even in traditional litigation, you can use this system alone or together with the other parent. If you work on this alone, you can create a better plan to present in court or in negotiations. If both parents work together through this process, there’s an excellent chance they will reach an agreement that will be satisfactory to both parents and to the children.

Please give this a try and let me know how it works for you!