I Want to Know What My Legal Rights Are

One of the most common requests I get is to tell a potential client what his/her rights are. Unfortunately, I think that focuses attention in the wrong direction.

Instead of trying to find out black and white, clear rules that say "this is all you can get" or "this is what everyone gets", why not focus on what you would like to have? We shouldn't be limiting the outcome to some preconceived standard rules or guidelines. Why not try for more or something different, if that's what you want?

When someone asks what his or her rights are, I usually make two preliminary points:

1. First, there's no checklist of rights. To find out your rights, we need to start by defining the subject somewhat. What kind of rights are you wanting to know about?

• Child support
• Alimony
• Property division
• Allocation of debts
• What happens to retirement benefits
• What about the house I had before marriage
• Grandparent rights
• Changing the name of a child
• Being able or not able to move out of state with the child; and many other rights issues ...

2. The second consideration is that rights aren't clearly defined in Texas. There aren't a lot of absolute rules. A lot of those topics or issues don't have specific "rights" in Texas. There are possibilities, but some facts are needed to provide a context because there are almost always alternate ways to accomplish what you want. For example:

• Property division isn't always 50-50.
• Joint custody doesn't necessarily mean equal time sharing.
• There are some limits on alimony in Texas, but there are many ways to work around them.
• Child support is pretty clearly defined, but sometimes there are some variations.
• Guideline visitation (possession schedules) is pretty standard, but it can be adjusted.

Because of those factors, a better question to ask is: What do you want? It's better to focus on what people want rather than limit their vision to what the law may allow. Of course, there's no guarantee that they will ever get what they want, but it's certain that people won't get what they want if they don't ask for it.

For example, if a wife wants some funds to pay for a career training program or to finish college, she should come up with a way to pay for that out of the assets and possibilities that the parties possess. Her husband might support that effort, possibly because it could provide a better home in the long term for the children, or maybe he feels guilty, or maybe for some other reason. No matter the reason, the wife might end up with funds for training, even thought there's no "right" to such funds.

Another example that sometimes occurs is when a parent wants a different possession schedule for the children. In Texas, there is a basic standard possession schedule that most people consider to be their "rights". If a dad wanted to switch nights every week because of work or other commitments, the parents can easily change the schedule, if both parties agree. But that won't happen unless at least one parent will ask for something other than the standard rights.

So, what can you do? Sometimes, it's a good idea to follow the example of children. If you have been around kids for even a short time, you will recognize their negotiating style.

• First and foremost, they ask for what they want, whether it's food, going somewhere or buying something when they're in a store.
• Second, they are persistent. They keep pounding away and it becomes easier to give in than to fight it.
• Third, as they mature, kids learn more sophisticated arguments and find things that appeal to the adults.

Those techniques are not copyrighted. Even adults can use them. Many people going through a divorce would benefit greatly by focusing on what they want rather than finding out their "rights" and then ignoring what would really help them. It's better to aim high.

When Can a Child Decide Where to Live?

One of the most frequent searches on the Internet on family law issues is the question: "At what age can the child decide where he/she will live?" As the Oregon Divorce Blog recently stated, that's a trick question. The answer is that the child can decide at age 18. When the child legally becomes an adult, the court no longer has control over the child. Until then, only the judge ultimately decides.

There are, however, several ways to have some influence.

• The child can talk to the parents about the decision. As much as I don't like involving children in these decisions, sometimes a child is mature and has a reasonable basis for a change in living arrangements. What's potentially damaging is for a parent to want a change of custody and then recruit the child to become an advocate. That should be avoided. Sometimes parents try to act like the request originated with the child, but it usually doesn't. Another bad situation is when a child works the parents against each other.

• A Social Study can be done for the court. The social worker can interview the child and evaluate the what the child has to say. The worker ultimately makes a recommendation from all the information gathered from a variety of sources.

• An attorney can be appointed to represent the child in some cases, but the attorney isn't free. The parties have to come up with the funds to pay the attorney, in addition to paying their own attorney.

• Sometimes, a court will appoint a psychologist to interview or work with a child. That gives the child an outlet, but it's not free either.

• In Tarrant County divorce or custody cases, or for visitation issues, the court will often order Access Facilitation. That is a pretty effective process that has the two parents meet with a social worker from the court to discuss and try to resolve custody or visitation issues. There is no cost for that service.

• The child may be permitted to visit with the judge in chambers and discuss the situation without the parents and attorneys being present, but the judge will always make the ultimate decision. Children are sometimes disappointed with the outcome of that process. Most judges are experienced enough to detect when a child has been programmed or when a child is trying to manipulate the situation. There is no slam dunk result when a child actually gets into a one-on-one with the judge. Nevertheless, the judge can gain some valuable insight into the family if s/he visits with a child in chambers.
  

The element in common with all those approaches: it's always the judge who decides, and never the child.

There are certainly situations that arise where there is a serious conflict between parent and child, and sometimes a change of scenery is good for everyone. Parents should do their best to keep their children out of the middle, no matter what the case. Actually, the Collaborative Law process provides good, safe opportunities for parents or child to make changes. I will have a new post soon on that approach. In the meantime, feel free to visit my other blog, Texas Collaborative Law Blog.

A Few Quick Questions -- Divorce Deadlines

There are several issues that have different ending dates in Texas divorces. Here are some that people often wonder about.

1. What is the cut-off date so that anything earned or acquired belongs to just one of the parties? Using some legal terminology, when does the community estate end?

Answer: It ends when the divorce decree is signed by the judge. That means that community property can change in value, up or down, even after the parties are separated. That is true whether the parties are separated for 60 days, 6 years or longer. It used to be that we talked about the increase in value since the parties separated. Now, we have to consider the real possibility of a decrease in value since separation.

Example: Many people continue to make contributions to a retirement plan after they are separated from their spouse. Those contributions and any increase in value (generally) will be community property and are subject to division by the Court, up to the date the decree of divorce is signed by the judge.

2. When is new debt created by my spouse no longer my responsibility? Can I put a notice in the newspaper to terminate my responsibility?

Answer: New debt created by your (ex)spouse after the decree of divorce is signed by the judge is not your responsibility. Up until the decree of divorce is signed by the judge, any debt may be a community obligation which both parties may be held responsible for. After the decree is signed, you are each on your own.

Example: If either spouse charges on a credit card after separation, those charges may be a community obligation up until the decree of divorce is signed.

Publishing a newspaper notice saying you are no longer responsible for your spouse's debts doesn't help you.

3. Why is there a 60-day waiting period and how does it work? Why can't we get divorced immediately if we both agree?

Answer: It is a cooling off period mandated by state law. It begins the day after someone files for divorce. The idea is to give people time to think over the major decision they are working through. A divorce cannot be granted until the petition for divorce has been on file with the court for at least 60 days. That waiting period cannot by waived by a judge or anyone. Wait means wait.

4. When is the Answer due?

The Short Answer: It depends.

The Slightly More Helpful Answer: There are actually different answer dates for different documents. Each pleading, request, etc. should spell out the answer date. You should carefully read over anything you receive to determine when the answer is due. The documents should say when an answer is due or they may explain how to calculate the due date. If you are represented by an attorney, you should show the attorney any documents or notices you receive. The attorney can tell you when and if an answer is needed.

Reminder: These are superficial comments and are not intended as legal advice. Please consult with an attorney to review the application of the law to your unique situation. Divorces always have their own special characteristics that need to be considered when deciding how to proceed. Be aware, though, that courts take deadlines very seriously, so you should, too.

I Want an Uncontested Divorce

I often have prospective clients call and say that they want an uncontested divorce. Most of the time, that means that both husband and wife have agreed that they want to get divorced. When we ask a few other questions about some of the basics of a divorce (custody, child support, who gets the house, how to divide the retirement assets, etc.), we usually find either that no agreements have been discussed or that there are certain issues where there is definitely conflict.

Many people confuse "uncontested" with "no fault". Those people want to have a simple divorce with as little conflict as possible. They don't want mud slinging. Nevertheless, even relatively friendly people can require a lot of help to get to the point of agreement.

Aside from sometimes needing help to be able to be civil with each other, divorcing couples usually need professional help when there are significant assets and/or liabilities to allocate between the parties. Tax considerations may come in where someone may not expect them. For example, $100,000.00 from a retirement fund may not be worth (net) as much as $100,000.00 in house equity. Likewise, the retirement fund may work out better in the long run for one party if s/he isn't able to take care of, and pay for, the house. There are many considerations to be made in reaching an agreement in a divorce. Sometimes both parties are financially unsophisticated and sometimes just one party is unsophisticated, which puts that party at a disadvantage in negotiations.

Quick Summary
1. The Good: True uncontested divorces are cheaper and faster than contested ones, by a longshot. They are also less destructive to family relationships, which is very important when kids are involved. Uncontested divorces can be a great way to get what you want, rather than leave the decision up to a judge who doesn't care about you.

2. The Bad: The parties, or one of them, may agree under duress from the spouse. The result is sometimes an unreasonable deal because of pressure, threats, guilt or a desire to save the marriage by being generous in settlement. Obviously, some of the pressure comes from the spouse or other family members, and sometimes it is self imposed. The problem is that once the deal is done, and the situation changes, the deal can't be undone.

3. The Solution: Not surprisingly, the best step is to get professional help. An attorney may be needed, a financial expert might be beneficial and a counselor may help a party make rational decisions. Unless there are no children involved and there's insignificant property and little or no debt, the parties should get help. When there are significant assets or liabilities, there is enough at stake to at least warrant a consultation, and full representation is advised. Spending a little time and money to protect your financial future is a wise decision. A good attorney will ask questions about the issues and agreements when you come in and will follow that with advice on how to reach a settlement. You can save time, money and grief, even with an attorney involved, but be sure you choose carefully. Make sure the attorney's experience and approach match up with how you want to proceed. It's your choice.

Thanks to Dan Nunnely of Tulsa, Oklahoma who had two thoughtful posts about uncontested divorces in his Oklahoma Family Law Blog.

What to Expect in the Tarrant County Family Law Courts

The Tarrant County Family Law Courts are a frequent subject for internet searches. That makes perfect sense when people face the prospect of having a judge make fundamental decisions about their lives. Everyone wants to know what to expect. This post is to give a brief overview of the Tarrant County divorce courts. Each person about to go to court should consult with his or her own attorney to specifically find out about the judges who will be involved in the case.

Location
The Tarrant County Family Law Courts are in the Tarrant County Family Law Center which is located at 200 E. Weatherford Street in downtown Fort Worth, Texas. There is a parking garage located in the next block east of the courthouse and there are parking meters all around the area. Even with all that parking, there are many mornings when the parking garage fills early and it seems that all convenient parking meters are taken. The lesson to be learned: Get there early!

Entrance
When you enter the Family Law Center, be prepared to go though metal detectors. It's not quite as bad as an airport, but the deputies are pretty thorough. Be prepared to take off your shoes, belts and jewelry. Pocket knives are not allowed. Briefcases, purses and other items will be x-rayed. It's a hassle, but there were several shootings at the courthouse before the metal detectors were set up.

First Floor
The 1st floor of the courthouse has two "IV D" (four D) courts. They are set up to collect child support and for paternity cases. Cases initiated by the Texas Attorney General are usually handled in those two courts. There is also a room with vending machines next to one of the IV D court waiting rooms.

Second Floor
The 2nd floor has the Domestic Relations Office. Family Court Service is on one side of the hall. They conduct social studies in custody cases and they also handle Access Facilitation matters (resolving visitation/possession issues). In addition, they supervise some visitations, manage drug testing, mediate some cases and do about anything else a judge wants them to do. On the other side of the hall is the child support office where payments can be made, child support probationers report and where a child support payment history can be obtained.

Third Floor
On the 3rd floor, the District Clerk has a file desk, a closed records section and an area with clerks for each court who manage the active court files. Pleadings are filed there and the clerks are responsible to maintaining the court files. Copies of court documents can be obtained there.

Fourth Floor
The 4th floor has the even-numbered courts: 322nd, 324th and 360th District Courts. Next to each of those courts is the Associate Judge's court for that court. The Associate Judges hear temporary matters, contempt or enforcement motions and a variety of other preliminary matters. They can hear final trials if both parties and the court agree. The District Court Judges normally hear final trials and some appeals from the Associate Courts, as well as some other preliminary matters.

Fifth Floor
The 5th floor has the odd-numbered courts: 231st, 233rd and the 325th District Courts. Associate Judges' courts are next the the District Courts on that floor as well. In addition, on both floors, each court has a Court Coordinator for the District and Associate Courts. The Coordinator schedules matters in each court.

Conference Rooms
Each court on both floors has two conference rooms right outside each courtroom and there are other conference rooms at other locations on both floors. Generally, more time is spent negotiating (and waiting) than is spent in actual court hearings, so the conference rooms are heavily used. Most matters are resolved at the courthouse through negotiations.

Bailiffs
Each court also has a Bailiff who is a Deputy Sheriff. You should do whatever the Bailiff tells you to do. If/when you are in a courtroom, turn off your cell phone. The world won't come to an end if you don't answer a call, but you will be in a world of trouble if the Judge hears your cell phone ringing.

Know What to Expect
This post gives you some idea about how to find your way around the Tarrant County Family Law Center in Fort Worth. If you have a case in the divorce courts, be sure to consult with your attorney before going to court. The courts begin at different times, usually at 8:30 or 9:00 a.m. Your attorney can tell you when to be at court. Each of the 14 judges is different and has a slightly different perspective on cases. It is very beneficial to have an experienced lawyer who knows the personality and point of view of each of the judges. Your lawyer should be able to tell you what to expect, what to emphasize and what to avoid. Experience and preparation are really important if you have to go to court. Choose your attorney carefully and then provide all the information you can so your lawyer can be prepared.

Finally, Expect Negotiations
It is normal for the attorneys for both parties to know each other and even be friends. They will probably also know the judge well. Since most cases settle by negotiation, it is natural and beneficial that the attorneys have a good working relationship. Don't be concerned if you see the attorneys talking with each other and not appearing angry or mean. A friendly, business-like approach is generally the most effective way to negotiate. That means a better result for you.

When is a Hearing Not Really a Hearing?

Answer: Usually, in a family law case, when you go to court in Tarrant County, Texas.

When attorneys set a case for court so they can get something in front of a judge, they most often talk about having a "hearing". In reality, there usually isn't a hearing. There will almost always be negotiations and conferences.

• Meetings may occur in the courtroom, although the attorneys and parties generally must be pretty quiet.
• The Tarrant County family law courts have many conference rooms around them, some right outside the courtroom doors and some at various places down the hall.
• The hallways themselves are usually full of negotiators.
• Vacant courtrooms sometimes get taken over.
• The attorneys may go to the Lawyers' Lounge and discuss the pros and cons in considerable detail.
• They may also meet in a room or hallway behind the courtroom, where the public isn't allowed.

The point of mentioning all that is that the courthouse is set up to facilitate negotiations. The reason? That's how most issues and cases are resolved. Very few true hearings are held and very few trials occur. With tens of thousands of cases already on file and thousands more filed each year, there is simply not enough time, courtroom space, judges and other personnel, to be able to provide a timely trial for everyone.

In reality, most people don't want to have a real hearing and have to testify. They don't want to be cross-examined and don't want their personal lives on display. They also don't want to give up their power of decision-making which they exercise in negotiations. It's a little scary thinking about turning over important decisions to a judge who doesn't really know you and your situation. A hearing be inevitable if the other sides insists on it, but most (although not all) judges really have to juggle their schedules to work in a hearing.

There are usually 10-20 cases set on an Associate Judge's docket each day. Some will be postponed and most will negotiate until settlement. A few will try for a hearing. In many of those cases, the judge will meet with the attorneys and can often help get the case settled by giving an advisory opinion (which could change if the judge actually heard all the evidence in the case) about how the judge views the case or how the judge might rule on certain matters (for example, who pays what bills, who stays in the house, whether spousal support would be ordered, etc.). Sometimes, the judge will have a bench conference with the parties and attorneys present. There are varying degrees of formality, depending on the judge, but it's generally a streamlined process.

For those who insist on a hearing, there is often a substantial wait. During that delay, there are usually negotiations going on. Keep in mind the big picture. Having a trial or a hearing should not be your high priority. That is a means to an end, not the end itself. Undoubtedly, you will have some concrete objectives in mind for yourself. Think long term, how would you like to end up? If you keep your goals and needs in mind, it will make it easier for you utilize the opportunities for settlement when you go to the courthouse in Tarrant County, Texas (or probably anywhere else). Just don't be surprised or disappointed if you go to the courthouse and there's no hearing.

"I Want the Meanest Lawyer I Can Get"

Sometimes I'm asked if I can be mean in a divorce case. Some prospective clients will call or come in and say that they want or need a really mean lawyer because the spouse is really mean or has cheated on them (and deserves punishment) or the spouse has hired a really mean lawyer.

I was recently in a divorce case that took about five years to complete. We had two full trials, numerous temporary hearings, lots of written discovery, several depositions and two trips to the Court of Appeals. The other side hired, and somehow paid for, a very good attorney who used a strategy of being mean and aggressive toward my client. In the end, the wife got approximately what we had offered and what my client proposed in trial. It only cost her twice the attorney's fees that my client paid and she left with a mountain of debt. She was distraught through most of the process, but she kept paying for her attorney to maintain an aggressive and bruising attack. The problem was that she didn't come out ahead. She'll probably blame the court system, her attorney, her spouse or anyone else, except for herself. That's usually the way it works out.

Although I can normally represent someone effectively in any divorce circumstances, I usually refer those prospective clients (who are seeking a mean lawyer) on to someone else because there's no way to really satisfy such a client. No matter how mean and unreasonable I act, the client will pick out the tiniest detail and convince himself or herself that things are not going his or her way, despite the fact that the client may have gotten 75% or more of what he or she wanted.

Besides, being mean just doesn't pay off in court. Judges and juries don't like it. A client may feel a little satisfaction about humiliation or suffering being heeped on a spouse, but that is a fleeting experience. Being rude and obnoxious just doesn't score points on legal issues or establish facts needed by a decision maker. All other things being equal, a party utilizing a strategy of being mean or rude will rarely get the benefit of a doubt.

In addition, the spouse's attorney will probably be under pressure from the his/her client to retaliate. That means the strategy will result in escalating meaness and that both parties will end up being the targets of personal attacks. Usually an attorney who specializes in being mean has just two strategies: being mean or being meaner.

Another consideration is that being mean is expensive. An attorney can be mean by creating a lot of work for the other side, such as extensive discovery requests and depositions. Sending lots of letters and scheduling a lot of court hearings also can be mean behavior by the attorney, but they will increase the cost to the client. All of the activities and little tricks have to be paid for.

Ultimately, very few clients just want to jerk around their spouse. Most everyone, at some level, wants to get the divorce over with. If a client is interested in finishing the divorce quickly, being mean is probably a bad strategy because of all the extra work. The process will be slower. Additionally, being mean often leads to similar behavior in return and bad results.

The bottom line is that it is a complete waste of time, money and energy to choose a strategy of being mean; the costs will greatly outweigh the benefits. If you are looking for that approach, I'm not the one to help you.

What Was the Judge's Reasoning?

Another question I hear frequently from clients is, "Why did the Judge rule that way?" That seems to have come up quite a bit lately.

Usually, the answer is, "I don't know."

In Texas, and probably all states, a trial court rarely announces reasons for their decisions. People often expect long written opinions explaining the judge's reasoning, but that usually only happens in appeals courts or on TV shows. Judges don't have to explain their reasoning, so they don't do it. Basically, judges don't give explanations for their decisions for several reasons.

• They probably want to avoid arguments with parties or attorneys. There's nothing to discuss if the reasoning is undisclosed. Often when a decision is announced after a hearing, one or both of the parties is angry, and it may be better to make a brief announcement of the decision and then let them cool down.

• They want to avoid reversal, so they don't want to give a clear target. Judges have a lot of discretion in making many of their decisions. The appellate rules for reviewing decisions favor upholding whatever the current order is.

• Judges have a lot of discretion in making rulings. It would take an extremely erroneous decision to cause it to be reversible. Judges like to use their discretion and not have it questioned.

Occasionally, a judge will discuss the reasons for a decision with the attorneys for both parties. Sometimes, the judge will tell the parties some or all of the reasons for the decision. After a hotly contested hearing on some issue, it is unlikely that the judge will give detailed explanations.

Although I would also like to know the reasons for some decisions, I understand the value of not detailing the reasons for decisions. I have sat as a temporary Associate Judge in Tarrant County and I had to make and announce decisions in cases. Not giving the reasons makes sense for me in many cases. In a few cases, it may be beneficial for one or both parties to learn why the judge ruled as she did, but the judge can decide whether to make the announcement.

Bottom Line: It's strictly up to the judge as to whether we can learn the reasons for a judge's decision. Most of the time, we just won't know.

What to Expect at the First Court Hearing

A common question that clients ask is, "What's going to happen at the first hearing?" The following are some tips about what to expect.

People using the litigation system to resolve marital and family law disputes will generally face at least one or two days in court. The first setting is stressful and is often one of the most important events in a case. The results of the hearing or negotiations will establish the framework under which the case will proceed. While the orders can be modified later, it is often true that the parties must operate under the original temporary orders until the final orders are signed by the judge. Justifiably, parties want and need to know what to expect in court when their case gets started.

1. The case could be postponed on the first setting. If one party has just received notice and has not had time to hire an attorney, and asks for time to hire an attorney, the courts in Tarrant County will almost automatically grant a continuance and reset the case a week to two weeks later. If there is a temporary restraining order, it is normally continued in place until the reset date. Sometimes other orders are made temporarily, if necessary. Usually, the judge will not order one party or the other to vacate the residence without a hearing, so that issue is usually postponed as well.

2. There are usually extensive negotiations. Experienced attorneys will normally immediately begin talking with the other side to try to reach agreements on as many issues as possible. That is the sign of a smart lawyer looking after the client's best interests, rather than an indication that the lawyer is weak. The parties get better results if they participate in the decision-making, rather than leaving everything up to a judge. Negotiations are also necessary because there is not time for the judge to conduct hearings in every case set each day. Good attorneys are very familiar with what the judges usually do in similar cases, so they know what can realistically be achieved.

3. Plan on being there all morning. Parties are instructed to show up at 8:30 or 9:00 a.m., and courts will start up some time after that -- each court is a little different.

4. The initial hearings in most family law cases in Tarrant County are in the Associate Judge's court. There is an Associate Judge for each District Judge. The District Judges hear most final hearings and leave the temporary hearings to the Associate Judges.

5. Attorneys usually meet with the judge to discuss issues in the case. Sometimes, attorneys can work out all the temporary issues and just present an agreement to the judge. More often, the attorneys resolve many issues, but must meet with the judge to get an advisory ruling or a suggestion on how to deal with something. Meeting with the judge will usually save time for everyone.

6. Hearings are most often informal. To help save time and move cases through the system, temporary hearings (if held) are usually very informal. Each judge has his or her own style, but generally the judge will let the attorneys summarize the situation and then the parties will get to answer questions or make statements. Documents can be introduced into evidence if necessary. Formal hearings can be held, but if they are expected to take a considerable amount of time, they are generally specially set in the near future. Even then, most judges usually won't allow enough time to put on really extensive evidence at a temporary hearing.

7. How to Prepare: It's really helpful for each party to have thought through what his/her underlying goals and needs are, and these should be discussed with the attorney. Many people aren't thinking too far into the future, but it can really be helpful. Attorneys need to know what their clients want to accomplish so they can prepare for court and negotiations. The parties also need to provide basic information to the attorneys about financial issues, such as income and expenses, debts and any problems requiring immediate attention. The parties need to have parenting plans in mind covering how the children should be cared for and shared during the court process and after. Each party's attorney can provide a list of information the court and attorneys will want to see. Gathering information will become a regular part of the litigation process, so everyone should expect it and get used to it.

The above comments give some idea of what to expect at the first court hearing in family law cases in Tarrant County, Texas. Each party in a family law case should consult early and often with their attorney to prepare for court.

What if We Both Don't Want to Get a Divorce? (But There are Problems if We Stay Together)

This is another question in my occasional series of questions commonly asked by clients. For a variety of reasons, some people want to stay married but "split the sheets" or take some other actions. Some want to stay officially married because of insurance, inheritance, religious reasons or children or for other purposes. Fortunately, there are several actions couples can take without getting divorced.

1. Some couples find protection and assurance by creating and signing a partition or post-nuptial agreement. That agreement can divide assets and liabilities, provide for support and can insulate the assets of a party from the liabilities of the other party. It can also be a tool for estate planning and may help save taxes.

2. If there are minor children, support and visitation issues can addressed in several ways. A partition agreement can provide for contractual child support. Either party can ask the Attorney General to help collect child support. The parties can sign a voluntary agreement for child support or visitation, or either party can file a petition seeking a court order for child support or visitation.

3. Couples can always work with a counselor to try to improve their relationship. Communication problems are common and can be overcome by hard work and commitment.

4. Couples can just continue to live together and informally start creating separate lives and interests. That is not unusual. It often leads to divorce, but some people are tolerant enough to live that way. If there are significant problems, they won't just go away. They usually get worse over time.

5. Annulment is a very limited option and will be discussed more fully in a later post. It usually is not available because of the limited circumstances under which it is allowed by the Family Code.

How Can a Father Win Custody?

This is another question in my periodic series of common questions from clients. The short answer to how fathers can win custody is: the same way mothers do. There is often still a perception that women automatically always win custody. That is not true. Mothers still end up with custody more often than fathers, but in contested cases that is not necessarily true. While there are still a few judges who automatically favor mothers, there are many other judges who bend over backwards to be fair to both sides. Juries in Texas don't shy away from awarding custody to the more deserving parent, male or female.

The easiest way for a father to get primary custody of a child is to do so through negotiations. Sometimes both parents will agree that the father is the more appropriate parent for primary custody because he is in better financial shape or has more time available or has a better relationship with the child, or for some other reason. Sometimes the parents work out creative arrangements that fit the schedules of both parents and the child. Collaborative Law is very helpful in setting up customized plans for sharing time with a child.

The question, though, really refers to those cases where the parties can't reach an agreement. For those cases, I offer the following seven tips to win custody. They will work for fathers or mothers.

1. Be the primary caregiver. The parent who has always, or recently, been the primary parent taking care of the child does have an advantage with judges and juries, unless the parenting has not benefited the child. When the child is thriving, the primary caregiver has an advantage.

2. Be involved at school and home. This is more than just being present for a time period. Help with homework. Give encouragement to the child. Play with the child. Talk with your child. Read to or with your child. Have meals together. Volunteer and help at school. Keep up with your child's grades and homework. Get to know the teachers and Principal. Know about and deal with any problems when they first show up. Get to know your child's friends and their parents.

3. Be good with kids. Don't be afraid of kids. Loosen up and have fun with them. Be able to talk with other kids. Participate with kids whenever and wherever you can. It's OK to act like a kid sometimes, but don't go so far that you give up appropriate parental authority. Share interests and activities with your child.

4. Be cooperative with the other parent. Be flexible in sharing time with the parent. Share information about activities and plans. Try to help each other where you child benefits. Some parents lose custody when they unreasonably refuse to cooperate to share time with the kids. Children normally benefit when the parents get along. Avoid negativity, blame and name-calling about the other parent, even when you may think it is justified. Take the adult role and set a good example for your child and the other parent. Remember, you may need a favor some day (or weekend).

5. Speak positively of the other parent and be supportive of them. Making critical comments about the other parent when your child is around is inappropriate, even when you are convinced the remarks are "the truth". Since your child is part you and part the other parent, attacking the other parent can feel like an attack on the child. It is much better to take the high road and refrain from negativity when the child is around. It's the same advice you have probably given your child to help him or her deal with peers.

6. Be knowledgeable about parenting. This takes some effort. We aren't usually born with innate knowledge of how to be a good parent. Some learn this as they grow up. Others may not have spent much time (at least recently) around kids, so they need to learn what to do. They can read, take classes and get help from experienced parents. Good parents are constantly learning more about kids, especially as their kids mature and move into new stages of development.

7. Follow the court orders. It's a serious mistake to violate visitation orders, by either the primary or non-primary custodian. Improperly keeping the kids from the other parent never looks good to the court or a jury. Failure to exercise visitation or possession times allocated to you create doubts about how seriously you want to have primary custody. It's also hard to ask the court to award custody to a parent who regularly does not properly pay child support. If the visitation order or child support amount needs to be changed, try to negotiate or file a motion to change it, but don't just take matters into your own hands. Lack of obedience to an order usually has a negative impact on your child, can result in incarceration of the offender and creates a negative impression of you with the decision-maker in a custody case. It's important to comply with court orders as long as they are in place.

These seven tips are all factors often relied on by judges or juries who are deciding custody questions. They all start and end with being a good parent.

How Can I Speed up my Divorce?

This is another frequent question, asked by about half of my clients, sometimes at the beginning of a case and sometimes after it has gone on for a while. Actually, most clients eventually get to this question if their divorce lingers long enough. There are a few things that can be done, but they ultimately depend on the goodwill or motivation of your spouse. You can always just wait for a trial, but it usually takes a long time to get into court (often a year or more in Tarrant County). The situation is similar in other (non-divorce) family law matters.

Here's my list of 9 suggestions. You may be uncomfortable and may not enjoy some of them, but they are provided to help you speed up the process, not to make things more pleasant for you; if speed is not your highest priority, you may not want to do some of these. Please remember, they may not apply in every case -- they are possibilities to consider.

1. Don't disagree. That may seem obvious, but the more you and your spouse disagree about things, the less likely an early settlement is. You have to make a value judgment about how important some principles and some issues are. The ultimate position is to "roll over" and let your spouse have everything he or she wants. That rarely seems like a good decision, but it probably comes down to evaluating the matter under discussion. Also, giving in completely sometimes doesn't satisfy the other spouse. Sometimes it is helpful to argue a little about something and then later concede it so your spouse thinks he or she really won something.

2. Be cooperative and nice. Being a bully rarely pays off in a quick settlement. Making demands and setting deadlines may provoke more resistance than agreement. On the other hand, being cooperative and respectful may pay dividends. Looking for common ground and showing effort in working toward that may get a friendlier, more cooperative response.

3. Apologize. This one may be tough for a lot of people, but if your highest priority is to get the divorce over with, it can be helpful if an apology is done appropriately and sincerely. There are always things each spouse can legitimately apologize for. If you have a hard time coming up with something, talk to family and friends, particularly of the opposite sex, and ask their help in coming up with something. A good apology may open up communication and help your spouse feel better about the situation, which can lead to productive negotiations.

4. Figure out your spouse's underlying issues and resolve them. If you can't figure out the underlying issues, get some help. Talk to family and friends, maybe a counselor and maybe your attorney. Once you identify the issues, do some brainstorming with your attorney and try to come up with some acceptable alternatives to present. If you can solve the biggest issues, you have a chance to work out a final settlement a little sooner.

5. Use mediation. This is about the best way to resolve cases (other than Collaborative Law). With a good mediator, you have a high probability of settlement, although there's no guarantee. If the other party demands 85% of the assets to settle, there's little hope for mediation to bring sense to them. Most of the time though, mediation will result in a settlement.

6. Get a mutually respected person to intercede for you. In many cases, there is someone who your spouse respects and/or will listen to who can be an informal mediator for both of you. This could be a friend, relative, minister or someone else who is respected and perceived as neutral by your spouse. You should still be prepared to make some concessions to get the deal done.

7. Don't send mixed signals. Make sure that your spouse understands that you fully intend to finish the divorce. Even as you try to compromise and be nice, be sure that your efforts are not misinterpreted as an effort at reconciliation and make sure that you that you are sincere.

8. Provide all appropriate and needed information. If you drag your feet in providing information that has been requested, or argue over its relevance or value, you are wasting time. If you truly want the divorce over with, take on the burden and do more than your share of the work. If time is not important to you and if your value is on equally sharing the work load in the divorce, then don't cooperate. Providing the needed information in an organized fashion, sometimes even before it is requested, will speed up the settlement process and help establish good will, especially if the information really benefits your spouse.

9. Bring in a neutral expert to help with difficult issues. Sometimes past efforts and common sense are not enough to generate appropriate solutions. It can be a real life saver to bring in a neutral expert to help create solutions about kids or about finances. Someone working for both of you is in a position to help both sides understand the possibilities and to reach an agreement. There is some expense, but it is cheaper than spending money on two attorneys in trial, and it is much quicker. This is something we do in Collaborative cases all the time and it works very well.

Hopefully, these nine suggestions can help you move your divorce (or other family law case) to a satisfactory conclusion within a reasonable time period. You might try just one or two of the techniques, or you might need several. Please discuss your strategies with your attorney before you start with them. Good luck!

How Long Does it Take to Get a Divorce?

This is another in a series of questions I am frequently asked. My answer will be in the context of a non-Collaborative divorce case.

There is a minimum 60-day waiting period that is imposed by the Texas Family Code. The time begins when the divorce petition is filed. After the 60 days is up, the divorce can be granted at any time if there is a full agreement. To get to that point, the parties both need to have information about the important issues and facts of their situation. In addition, each needs to be able to trust that the other party will do what he or she says will be done. The attorneys must draft and get agreement on the language of the final decree of divorce, and that occasionally takes more time than expected, or at least hoped for.

Also, both parties need to emotionally be ready to be divorced. If either party wants to try to stay married and refuses to give up on the marriage, they can slow down the process by various means of foot dragging and the insistence on following standard procedures.

A divorce that can be completed right after the 60 days is up is very unusual. It can happen in some cases, such as:

• a short-term marriage,
• a very simple set of facts,
• minimal assets (although sometimes those people are the worst fighters) or
• where the parties have worked out a lot of the details before the divorce was filed.

Quick divorces may also take place where someone :

• feels guilty,
• is scared or
• is extremely anxious to move on with their life.

Occasionally, one party has enough dirt on the other party that they can force capitulation.

Sometimes, the parties are just realistic, reasonable people who can sit down together and work things out -- but that's very rare.

A better answer would be to estimate that, in Tarrant County, it will take at least 3 to 6 months, if most (not all) things are agreed, and a year or more if one or both parties are not in agreement on the final terms.

Can I Get a "Legal Separation" in Texas?

No. Legal Separation is a distinct process in some states, but not in Texas.

In Texas, you can be married and living together or apart. Separation is a necessary step for a couple to get divorced here. Once someone files for divorce, a court may make, or the parties may agree on, temporary orders which can remain in effect until the divorce is final. The temporary orders generally govern custody, support and possession schedules for children, as well as various financial issues, a determination of who gets to stay in the house, who pays the bills and who uses and controls what property.

You technically remain married until the divorce is granted. If you want to start the divorce process in Texas, you need to file a petition for divorce.

This is the second in a series on common questions we are asked.

Should I Move Out of the House?

This is the first in a series of short postings about common questions we hear.

The direct answer is usually, "It depends."

Moving out of the house in Texas does not mean that you are giving up your legal rights to the house or an interest in the house. It does not mean that you are at fault for anything. It also does not mean that you have given up any claims to anything at the house.

What does it mean? All it really means is that someone moved out of the house. There are many possible legitimate reasons for moving out. Among other reasons, it may mean that:

• you fear for your safety or the safety of other family members.
• you are better able than your spouse to obtain new housing.
• you and your spouse have reached a mature, mutually beneficial agreement to separate.
• you have no interest in living in that residence.
• the house belongs to your spouse or someone else and you knew you would be moving sometime soon anyway.
• another residence may be more convenient for your work, family or other obligations.
• you can better afford another residence.
• you prefer to maintain a smaller residence.
• you want to live in a better neighborhood.
• you don't care about keeping the furniture and furnishings.
• you just don't want to stay in the same house with your spouse until the Court rules on it.

Why might you want to stay in the house? Again, there are many possible reasons, including, among others:

• you don't want the work of packing and moving.
• you want to keep the kids in the same school.
• the house was yours prior to the marriage, or you inherited the house.
• the house is in a great location for your job, family or other obligations.
• you can't afford what it would cost to live comparably elsewhere.
• it wouldn't cost less to live anywhere else.
• you need to stay in a residence of this size.
• your spouse can better afford the move.
• the kids' friends and activities are all nearby.
• your want to keep the majority of the furniture and furnishings.

If you decide to move out, what should you do? Depending on the time available and the circumstances, you should consider the following:

• Pack carefully and get all of the belongings you will want and need. Don't expect to be able to go back later and get things, no matter how well you and your spouse get along at the time of the move.
• Document the condition of the house and contents as you move out. Take pictures and/or videos. Have a witness, if possible.
• Make an inventory of what you remove. Make notes about what you are leaving.
• Have several helpers, if possible, so the move can be done quickly.
• Take a reasonable amount of dishes, pots, pans, flatware, towels, sheets, and other everyday items. It costs to replace them. The same is true for furniture.
• Treat your spouse (and yourself) reasonably as you divide things up for the move.
• If possible, make arrangements to copy and divide pictures and other family things.
• Don't damage things as you move out.

Of course, if you are moving out quickly for safety reasons, do your best, but safety must be the most important consideration. You can call a police officer or Constable to supervise, if there is a threat of violence, but you should plan ahead to do that.

There are many possible reasons for moving out or wanting to stay in the house. Think carefully about your situation, both short-term and long-term. Try to be as cooperative as possible with your spouse, but most importantly, protect the safety of you and your family.