Preparing for the Holidays with the Kids

In Texas, most divorce court orders have very detailed and explicit plans for how holiday time with the children is divided between the parents. The standard language has been developed over time and is based on common problems and the best solutions that had been developed over the years.

Some of the provisions are a little unwieldy -- not surprising since they came out of the legal system. Still, they provide a good standard for people to consider. Keep in mind that almost every possession schedule order says that the parties can follow any plan they come up with, as long as they agree. The formal order is the backup in case they are not in agreement.

What should you do if you anticipate a possible issue?

1.  You need to start now. The holidays are approaching. In November, we have anywhere from 2 or 3 days off to 10 days off from school and sometimes work. The standard order allows each parent to have Thanksgiving every other other year. In December, in addition to various family gatherings, we have an extended time off from school that extends into January.  Families have different traditions and preferences regarding the holidays and usually can make accommodations that work for both parents. Usually the December vacation time is split approximately in half.

2.  Situations change.  As time passes, circumstances change. There are new marriages, moves, new jobs, new kids and kids may age out -- moving out for college or work or relationships. These changes, or even new events, create a need to sometimes modify what has worked in the past.  The first of November is a great time to look ahead and do some planning if you see the possible need to adjust the possession times for the holidays.

3.  Time to consult.  This is a good time to meet with your attorney if you anticipate you or your ex needing to make some changes in the holiday schedules.  You can get an interpretation of the current order and plan how to approach your ex or how to respond if your ex approaches you.  It is so much better to deal with these issues early in November than to wait until Thanksgiving week or the week the kids get out of school in December.

Holidays are emotional times. Everyone, especially including the kids, will benefit by the parents planning ahead and working together to make any necessary adjustments.

Getting Through the Holidays -- Post Divorce

If your divorce is final and you are now facing the major holiday season, there are lots of adjustments for you to make.  If you have children, you have to work with them to both keep some of the family traditions and create some new ones.  Even if it has been several years since the divorce was finalized, holidays can still be a difficult time.

With that in mind, here are some tips on how to deal with the holidays.

1.  Start by checking the court order on scheduling.  Is it your year for Thanksgiving?  How is the time allocated when the kids are out of school?  You probably don't have to stick with the official schedule if you and your ex both agree on something else, but it's a good starting point.

2.  Go ahead and send any notices that are required.  Some orders provide that one parent must notify the other parent by a certain date if they are going to have the children or if they are going out of town or perhaps for some other reason.  It doesn't hurt to send a notice early and that could give early warning which might help avoid conflicts later.

3.  Make reservations, if you are traveling.  With the way hotels and airlines book up early, it's a good idea to start as soon as you can. You can get a better deal, plus it's a good way to reinforce with your ex that the children will be with you at certain times. It will also be less stressful for you if you have reservations worked out early.

4.  Be prepared for compromises and last-minute complications.  It's not always the fault of your ex.  Sometimes, kids forget to tell their parents about plans, projects or messages until the last minute.  Don't get angry if something comes up.  Be willing to talk things through and find a solution that works for the kids, and hopefully, both parents.  Consider meeting with a counselor, if there's time.

5.  Be flexible.  Remember that kids are young for just a limited time.  Both parents should work together to share that time and make things right for the kids.  There are always alternatives that can be found.  If you find out about conflicting plans or other problems, don't blow up.  If you find out early enough, you can work with a counselor, attorney or mediator.  If it's a last-minute issue, and you can't figure out a solution, call an experienced attorney who can brainstorm with you and maybe tell you what others have done in similar situations,  Be open to compromise.

The keys to having pleasant holidays include planning ahead, working through conflicts and being flexible.  Start early in dealing with how you will be sharing time with the children.

It's Not Too Early to Plan for the Holidays!

Even though Thanksgiving and the holiday season seem a long ways off, you could make things a lot easier for yourself and your kids if you start thinking and planning for the end of the year now.  If there's any travel involved, you need to be getting tickets or arranging time off or taking care of various other details.  You will need to coordinate with your ex and it should be easier to do it now without the time pressure of being nearer to the holidays. It's also easier if your ex hasn't put his/her plans in stone yet.  You  would also have time to get reduced fares and to grab the time off before others at work claim it.

Here are some things to think about:

1.  Look at the schedule. Make sure you even need to have a discussion, before you get started.   In Texas, we have a standard possession schedule that covers the holidays.  Start off by looking at the specific language of your court order.  You and your ex can agree to change the schedule, but neither can force the other to do so.  It's better to find out now if you or your ex needs a change.  There's still time to get things done.

2.  Talk or email or text (politely) with your ex.  Don't demand or threaten.  If you don't need a favor now, you will need one later.  Don't burn your bridges by being unreasonable.

3.  Be clear and specific with what you need.  Beating around the bush wastes everyone's time.  What you want to do may not be too difficult, especially if your ex needs you to change something.  Spell out exactly what change you need.  Be clear so you can have a clear discussion and understanding.

4.  Listen to the other side.  Your ex may not be able to agree or may not be able to do all that you request.  If that is the response, you might discuss other options.  Always have a Plan B.  Your ex may have good reasons for not agreeing to what you request, but maybe you can still come to some agreement.

5.  Follow the Golden Rule.  Be willing to compromise.  You may need a big favor next year.  Until the last child is out and married, and maybe even after that, you need to keep a decent relationship with your ex.  You will be dealing with your kids for a long time, so don't be enemies with your ex.

So, be nice, be prepared and start early!

Planning Ahead for the Holidays

If you look at a calendar, it's only early October, but if you look in a lot of stores, they are running out of Halloween decorations and have had some Christmas stuff out for quite a while. Stores seem to run on a faster calendar than most of us use.

Nevertheless, this is really a good time to look ahead to the holidays coming up in November and December. While we only recently had our last 100 degree day here in North Texas, it won't be long before the weather cools and family holiday disputes heat up. Fortunately, there are some things you can do to minimize holiday stress in divorced or divorcing families. Here are my suggestions:

1. Start by looking at the court order or agreement. While there are some standardized possession schedules we use in Texas, they are often customized, particularly in temporary orders and in Collaborative Law agreements. Often, the schedules change every other year, so you should begin by confirming which schedule applies this year.

2. Give any notices now that are required. Sure, it's early, but it will help you and other family members to start working on scheduling. There's no harm in giving proper notices 30 or 60 days ahead. It will allow adjustments or corrections, if they are needed.

3. Start making travel plans. We all know that buying tickets early usually gets the best prices. Actually, it might have been better to get your November-December tickets back in August or September. Don't wait any longer for the best deals!

4. Start negotiating early if you need to change the schedule or any details. That allows time for the other side to think about your request and time to make changes before their plans are set in stone. Plus, sometimes it takes a while to negotiate, and this gives you the time you may need.

5. Be willing to adjust your plans around the schedule and needs of the kids and the other parent. Being able to compromise will normally result in a bigger pay-back later. Being unwilling to compromise may result in a big pay-back later of a different kind.

6. Meet with your lawyer early for answers and preparation, if necessary. I can assure you that your lawyer will appreciate an early start before the courts get clogged up with last-minute custody and visitation fights. Going to court early, before the holiday season, will give you a better chance of being heard by a judge who has time to listen to you. Sometimes the courts shut down near the holidays and sometimes they get overwhelmed by hearings. If you have something important to be decided, you want the judge to have the time to give you a good hearing.

7. Whatever schedule you end up following, be sure the kids know about it well in advance. It can be fun just telling the kids about what they will be doing. You can set the tone with positive expectations for the kids by being encouraging no matter whether the kids are with you or the other parent. On the other hand, if the kids are facing doing something that is not their favorite, you can help them get over it so it doesn't ruin the holiday. Be careful how and what you tell the children. Take the high road and help them see the positive side.

Take a little time now to review your situation and make plans for the holidays. That will allow you to have a much more enjoyable and less stressful holiday season!

Tips for Avoiding Holiday Explosions

Traditionally, holidays present an opportunity for family fun and relaxation or for conflict. Families tend to create their own hierarchy of preferred holidays. Work and vacation schedules have a major influence on whether certain holidays are important or not for a family. Once there is a divorce or a court order to manage child possession schedules, conflicts sometimes surface.

Court orders tend to create some arbitrary divisions of holidays, and sometimes that's the best approach because the parties just will not agree on anything. In a more mature environment, however, there are ways to minimize the conflict. With the 4th of July approaching, here's some tips to keep in mind to help maintain a peaceful holiday.

• Plan ahead. If you can work out plans well in advance, that will reduce everyone's stress. Waiting until the last minute probably means that plans have already be made by everyone and that someone will be unhappy about changing. While you may not be able to plan ahead all the time, it's always a good idea to start weeks or months ahead of the holiday. It will be easier to coordinate schedules and activities and to come up with alternatives.

• Keep things in perspective. Remember that holidays come around every year and that it's often easy to have family events on nearby dates, if the holiday "belongs" to someone else this year.

• Communicate. There are often ways to work things out if everyone can just talk directly -- and nicely. Don't make assumptions about what other people are doing or about their motivations. Sometimes people get all upset thinking about something when the issues could be worked out by a discussion.

• Be respectful. No matter who has primary custody or what label is attached to a party, think about how you would like to be approached. Making demands or criticizing the other parent (or their family) or whining are not winning strategies. If you want a favor, be humble.

• Think about the kids. This shouldn't be a contest of wills between two adults. It shouldn't be a question of who has the superior "ownership" of a time period. Hopefully, any special requests made will really be a benefit for the children. If the parents will analyze the situation in light of the children's best interests, many fights can be avoided.

Reasonable parents should be able to work out conflicting holiday schedules if they approach the other parent as they would want to be approached. Keeping these suggestions in mind should give parties a good chance of resolving scheduling issues before the fireworks really begin!

Thanksgiving Survival Guide for Divorced and Separated People

James J. Gross of the Maryland Divorce Legal Crier has another timely and very apt post on the holiday season. I always get a lot from his writing and I think many people experiencing family transitions will too. Although his post mentions Thanksgiving, his suggestions really can apply at any time during the year. I strongly agree with his approach of starting a new life and taking charge of the situation. Don't just sit back and feel bad. There are some fairly easy baby steps you can take to get your life back in order. Here's what James has to say:

"You probably didn’t expect to be divorced or separated on Thanksgiving at this time in your life. You probably feel like saying, 'Gee, thanks for another #@*!! personal growth experience.' Well, instead of staying at home feeling sorry for yourself and ordering pizza for Thanksgiving, here are some ideas to help you make it through the long holiday weekend.

"The first thing you have to do is get into action. Move your body and the head will follow. Go for a walk or a jog. Get to the gym and start losing that marriage fat. Start a dance class or take tennis lessons. Any activity is good that will get you moving. Don’t think about it. Just do it. Force yourself.

"The next thing to do is build a support network. This can be your friends, relatives, religious leader, neighbor or therapist. Join a support group. Participate in online support groups. It may seem to you that you are the only person in the world going through a divorce, but you are not alone.

"Now, get outside of your troubles. Find someone with problems bigger than yours and help them. Volunteer to feed the homeless for Thanksgiving. Visit a nursing home or a hospital.

"Invite some friends over for a potluck supper. Everything is attitude. Stay positive and strong and have a great Thanksgiving. Leave a comment if you have an activity or idea that helped you survive Thanksgiving when going through a divorce."

Whatever your situation, no matter where you are in transitioning your life, these are great ideas to help you clear your mind and re-energize your life. Try these out and see if your spirits improve. Send a comment and let us know about your successes.

Makin' a List, Checkin' it Twice ...

One of the most stressful times for a family going through a divorce or after a divorce is the holidays. Family traditions have to adjust to new living arrangements, court orders and emotional conflict. Among the holidays, the traditional two biggies for conflict are Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Thanksgiving is coming up and I hope you already have a clear mutual understanding of the schedule for the kids. If not, you need to talk right away. Don't wait until Wednesday or Thursday to work out the details. In Texas, we have a standard possession order that covers the holidays very well. In even-numbered years (that includes 2008), the parent who does not have primary custody will normally have the children for Thanksgiving, beginning the day school lets out and ending the Sunday or Monday after Thanksgiving. The other parent has the kids for the same time period in odd-numbered years. BUT, check your order to make sure that it is set up that way.

The Christmas schedule can be more complicated. The standard provision is usually for the parent with primary custody to have the kids for the first part of the Christmas break in even-numbered years and the second part of the break in odd-numbered years. The exchange time in the middle used to be noon on December 26, but in new orders, it may be noon on December 28. Or your order may have something entirely different. SO, check you order to find out for sure when the possession times are and when the exchange is.

A helpful reminder is that whoever has the kids for Thanksgiving normally has them for the second half of the Christmas break.

Note: For those of other than Christian faiths, your court order can be written to reflect your personal holiday preferences. You should not feel like you are limited to standard Christian observances. With your input, your attorney can create or modify an order that reflects your religious practices or non-practices in the holiday season.

In Tarrant County, divorce lawyers can easily put together a schedule that meets your needs, but it is important that you tell your preferences. If necessary, we can get you into court shortly before the holidays to clarify of modify the visitation schedules, but please let us know as far in advance as possible because the courts get very crowded in December each year.

Final Tip: A little communication goes a long way. Before bringing in the attorneys, you should always consider just talking with the other parent. Even if you don't get along real well, a brief discussion can save both of you a lot of money if you can reach an agreement. You are not bound to a court order if you both agree on something. You can be as creative as you want to, as long as you both agree.

Good luck and happy holidays!