Don't Forget the Kids!

In divorces, children are often fought over and fought about.  Sometimes there are responsible parents and often one or both parents are not responsible.  As a reminder for parents going through divorces, or starting to think about going through a divorce, here are some of the major concerns that children may experience when their parents are divorcing. You need to be prepared with reassuring responses.

1.  Where will we live?  Will we have to move?  Can we stay in this house?

2.  Who will I live with?

3.  Will I still have the same friends?

4.  Can I still play with ________?

5.  Will I get to see (my mother, or father)?

6.  Do I have to go see ________?

7.  Will I stay in the same school?

8.  Will there be enough money to pay the bills?

9.  What if I don't like the new house, neighborhood, school, etc.?

10. How will I get around?

11. Will my parents stop loving me?  Will they leave me, too?

12. Will my parents move away?

13.Did I do something wrong and cause the divorce?

If you are approaching a divorce, or going through one, think about these concerns.  You should do your best to minimize the problems for your children.  It would be a good idea to get a counselor for your children, as well as for you. No one is really prepared for the emotional and other issues that crop up during a divorce.

Do yourself and your children a favor and get some help from a professional counselor, in addition to the legal help from your attorney!

It's Not Too Early to Plan for the Holidays!

Even though Thanksgiving and the holiday season seem a long ways off, you could make things a lot easier for yourself and your kids if you start thinking and planning for the end of the year now.  If there's any travel involved, you need to be getting tickets or arranging time off or taking care of various other details.  You will need to coordinate with your ex and it should be easier to do it now without the time pressure of being nearer to the holidays. It's also easier if your ex hasn't put his/her plans in stone yet.  You  would also have time to get reduced fares and to grab the time off before others at work claim it.

Here are some things to think about:

1.  Look at the schedule. Make sure you even need to have a discussion, before you get started.   In Texas, we have a standard possession schedule that covers the holidays.  Start off by looking at the specific language of your court order.  You and your ex can agree to change the schedule, but neither can force the other to do so.  It's better to find out now if you or your ex needs a change.  There's still time to get things done.

2.  Talk or email or text (politely) with your ex.  Don't demand or threaten.  If you don't need a favor now, you will need one later.  Don't burn your bridges by being unreasonable.

3.  Be clear and specific with what you need.  Beating around the bush wastes everyone's time.  What you want to do may not be too difficult, especially if your ex needs you to change something.  Spell out exactly what change you need.  Be clear so you can have a clear discussion and understanding.

4.  Listen to the other side.  Your ex may not be able to agree or may not be able to do all that you request.  If that is the response, you might discuss other options.  Always have a Plan B.  Your ex may have good reasons for not agreeing to what you request, but maybe you can still come to some agreement.

5.  Follow the Golden Rule.  Be willing to compromise.  You may need a big favor next year.  Until the last child is out and married, and maybe even after that, you need to keep a decent relationship with your ex.  You will be dealing with your kids for a long time, so don't be enemies with your ex.

So, be nice, be prepared and start early!

Using Technology to Stay in Contact*

*A soon-to-be-obsolete checklist of new tools that you can use to stay in touch with your kids and other family member. (Please help by sending your comments with new ideas!)

When families split up, there's always a challenge in staying in contact with each other. Mostly, this is an issue for parents, grandparents and children, but it can also come up when parents are trying to coordinate their activities with their children. For our younger readers, these may not be big news. For the more "experienced" readers, this may provide some new tools to help.

Without further ado, here's a list of 10 relatively new "tools" you can use. I will mention some brand names, but I have no financial connection to any of them. They are simply things I have run across that seemed helpful, not too expensive and easy to work with. These suggestions apply whether the family members live in the same city, across the county, across the state or across the country.

1. An on-line calendar. Google has a calendar that is easily accessible and fairly easy to work with. In addition, there is at least one private company, Our Family Wizard, which provides a calendar that is popular and seems to work well. I'm sure there are several more such calendar systems and there will be even more. Just look around on line to find one you like.

2. Texting. This has become very common-place and is close to universal. It completely eliminates the old need to have scheduled times when children had to be home to receive a phone call from their parents. Instead, we can have frequent, short and more normal contact -- once you learn the abbreviations.

3. Cell phones. Similarly, this eliminates formal phone calls and allows frequent and fun informal contact between parents and children.

4. Email. This is probably better suited to older children and certainly for adults. It is easily eclipsing snail mail, but younger kids may choose other systems for their messages.

5. Skype. You can sign up for this and then have visual phone calls with your family and friends. Most new computers will have a camera, or you can easily find a very inexpensive camera to attach to your computer if it doesn't have one.

6. Blogs. It is easy to create a family blog that is not public. You can have it restricted to only specified people (parents, grandparents, children, cousins, etc.) and restrict the password. On the blog, you and family members could report on trips, events and activities. It could be like an annual holiday newsletter, but updated much more frequently. Different people can be given permission to write on the blog, so you can get a variety of personal perspectives. You can post photos as well. There are a number of free platforms for setting up blogs, including Blogger (Google) and WordPress. They are very easy to set up and require almost no technical knowledge. You would want to carefully protect your privacy with the settings.

7. Photo sharing. There are several photos sharing sites available for free, and you can use Facebook and email. Getting in the habit of taking photos with a cell phone (or a camera) and then immediately sharing them with family can be a great way to stay closely connected.

8. Facebook. You can keep up with current events and photos and you can send direct messages to your Friends. Facebook is very easy to learn and use, although you have to watch out for their frequent changes and you should carefully manage your privacy settings. Also, keep in mind that most of what you post will be visible to a large group of people, so think before you post. Google now has a version, so be prepared to work in both systems.

9. YouTube videos. It is easy to set up a YouTube account for yourself and YouTube has videos explaining how to do almost anything. If you need help understanding or implementing any suggestions in this post, just look for a YouTube video to learn how. You and your family members can post videos of yourselves and others, which can make it easy to keep up with each other.

10. Scan and send. Scanners are cheap and easy to use now, so you can capture photos or documents and then send them by email or post them on various sites. If you need to talk about vacation plans, for example, you can send information this way.

How to Get Started:
For more details on these various options, including how to do it, a good starting place would be YouTube. If you want to read about any of these, use Google or other search engines and look up the key words (the titles of the 10 methods, for example).

Now for Your Part:
Please send your suggestions and new tools to share with others who may be trying to maintain a distant relationship. Many of these ideas are not terribly new, but they are new additions to traditional post-divorce communications. I expect there will always be newer and better ways to communicate and your ideas can help many other people. Please send your comments with suggestions and products you have used or learned about. Thanks for sharing!

Tips for Avoiding Holiday Explosions

Traditionally, holidays present an opportunity for family fun and relaxation or for conflict. Families tend to create their own hierarchy of preferred holidays. Work and vacation schedules have a major influence on whether certain holidays are important or not for a family. Once there is a divorce or a court order to manage child possession schedules, conflicts sometimes surface.

Court orders tend to create some arbitrary divisions of holidays, and sometimes that's the best approach because the parties just will not agree on anything. In a more mature environment, however, there are ways to minimize the conflict. With the 4th of July approaching, here's some tips to keep in mind to help maintain a peaceful holiday.

• Plan ahead. If you can work out plans well in advance, that will reduce everyone's stress. Waiting until the last minute probably means that plans have already be made by everyone and that someone will be unhappy about changing. While you may not be able to plan ahead all the time, it's always a good idea to start weeks or months ahead of the holiday. It will be easier to coordinate schedules and activities and to come up with alternatives.

• Keep things in perspective. Remember that holidays come around every year and that it's often easy to have family events on nearby dates, if the holiday "belongs" to someone else this year.

• Communicate. There are often ways to work things out if everyone can just talk directly -- and nicely. Don't make assumptions about what other people are doing or about their motivations. Sometimes people get all upset thinking about something when the issues could be worked out by a discussion.

• Be respectful. No matter who has primary custody or what label is attached to a party, think about how you would like to be approached. Making demands or criticizing the other parent (or their family) or whining are not winning strategies. If you want a favor, be humble.

• Think about the kids. This shouldn't be a contest of wills between two adults. It shouldn't be a question of who has the superior "ownership" of a time period. Hopefully, any special requests made will really be a benefit for the children. If the parents will analyze the situation in light of the children's best interests, many fights can be avoided.

Reasonable parents should be able to work out conflicting holiday schedules if they approach the other parent as they would want to be approached. Keeping these suggestions in mind should give parties a good chance of resolving scheduling issues before the fireworks really begin!

When Can a Child Decide Where to Live?

One of the most frequent searches on the Internet on family law issues is the question: "At what age can the child decide where he/she will live?" As the Oregon Divorce Blog recently stated, that's a trick question. The answer is that the child can decide at age 18. When the child legally becomes an adult, the court no longer has control over the child. Until then, only the judge ultimately decides.

There are, however, several ways to have some influence.

• The child can talk to the parents about the decision. As much as I don't like involving children in these decisions, sometimes a child is mature and has a reasonable basis for a change in living arrangements. What's potentially damaging is for a parent to want a change of custody and then recruit the child to become an advocate. That should be avoided. Sometimes parents try to act like the request originated with the child, but it usually doesn't. Another bad situation is when a child works the parents against each other.

• A Social Study can be done for the court. The social worker can interview the child and evaluate the what the child has to say. The worker ultimately makes a recommendation from all the information gathered from a variety of sources.

• An attorney can be appointed to represent the child in some cases, but the attorney isn't free. The parties have to come up with the funds to pay the attorney, in addition to paying their own attorney.

• Sometimes, a court will appoint a psychologist to interview or work with a child. That gives the child an outlet, but it's not free either.

• In Tarrant County divorce or custody cases, or for visitation issues, the court will often order Access Facilitation. That is a pretty effective process that has the two parents meet with a social worker from the court to discuss and try to resolve custody or visitation issues. There is no cost for that service.

• The child may be permitted to visit with the judge in chambers and discuss the situation without the parents and attorneys being present, but the judge will always make the ultimate decision. Children are sometimes disappointed with the outcome of that process. Most judges are experienced enough to detect when a child has been programmed or when a child is trying to manipulate the situation. There is no slam dunk result when a child actually gets into a one-on-one with the judge. Nevertheless, the judge can gain some valuable insight into the family if s/he visits with a child in chambers.
  

The element in common with all those approaches: it's always the judge who decides, and never the child.

There are certainly situations that arise where there is a serious conflict between parent and child, and sometimes a change of scenery is good for everyone. Parents should do their best to keep their children out of the middle, no matter what the case. Actually, the Collaborative Law process provides good, safe opportunities for parents or child to make changes. I will have a new post soon on that approach. In the meantime, feel free to visit my other blog, Texas Collaborative Law Blog.

7 Ways to Wreck Your Kids' Holidays

Even with the bad economy, there's plenty to celebrate and enjoy this time of the year. But sometimes people are just miserable because of holiday stress and family issues. If you have children, this can be a great time of the year. If you have children and are divorced, this might still be a great time or it can be really difficult.

While you can (if you take responsibility and try) control your own feelings and attitudes, many people don't do it and let themselves get swept up in various holiday dramas. We can't control what an ex-spouse feels, says or does, and that sometimes leads to problems at this time of the year. On top of that, there's a natural feeling of disappointment when you can't be with your kids at certain times during the holidays.

Parents have a variety of attitudes about sharing or not sharing their kids, particularly around holidays. Their attitudes range from very considerate to insensitive to indifferent to the concerns of others, and even to being antagonistic toward others. Some people seem to thrive on conflict. Other people want to avoid conflict. If you're one of those who wants to avoid wrecking the holiday season, here are some quick tips on what you should avoid so you don't ruin it for yourself, your kids and other family members and friends.

What Not to Do:

• Make last-minute changes in your plans. You can create more havoc and hard feelings if you try to change the arrangements after everyone else has their plans made and travel schedule booked. Ignoring the other parent's plans will certainly create a great opportunity for conflicting plans. Trying to be cooperative well in advance of the holidays is the best way to deal with planning.
  

• Be inflexible if the other parent requests a change in the schedule. Things do come up that require new plans. Some parents insist on following the court's order without variation, when the other parent is asking for a favor. Such parents later inevitably have situations arise later that necessitate a change in the schedule. If they haven't been kind to their ex-spouse, they may not be able to convince that ex-spouse when the shoe's on the other foot.
  

• Be inflexible and demanding if you request a change in plans. If you are working under a court-ordered schedule, you can change it by agreement or by going to court and convincing a judge. Which do you think is quicker and cheaper? If you think that you can always have your way on visitation issues, you will quickly learn otherwise.
  

• Argue in front of the kids about the plans. Mature parents understand the need to keep kids out of adult issues. Arguing and negotiating a holiday schedule should not be done in front of the kids.
  

• Short-change the kids, but blame the other parent. If you choose to not let the kids have or do a certain thing, such as attend a family party, don't blame your ex-spouse. If you are convinced that the decision is the right thing, then notify the kids in an age-appropriate way and don't criticize the other parent.
  

• Criticize the other parent and the other side of the family. There are many times when a parent is very tempted to make fun of, or put down, the ex-spouse and his or her family. Some people even claim that such criticism is acceptable because it is "the truth". It's not necessary to investigate the truthfulness of the statements, because that's not the real issue. Even "truth" can be hurtful. The concern is that such critical statements are damaging to the children because they realize that they come half from each parent. They likely will take that criticism personally.
  

• Compete against the former spouse for the love and affection of the kids. Don't try to provide the best gifts, the best parties or best trips. Children have plenty of love to share and there's just no need to wage a battle over the children.

What to do

Some people are interested in avoiding the drama and conflict during the holidays. If you are one of those, here's some things you can do to improve your chances of having a happy holiday season.

• Keep a good relationship all throughout the year with your ex-spouse. You may have to hold your tongue occasionally, but the kids will respect you for it and you will have a better chance of getting any needed schedule adjustments or favors that you request.
  

• Be flexible and be willing to compromise. There are two sides to everything. Keep in mind that you can accomplish more through cooperation than through battle. And your kids will appreciate a reasonable and realistic relationship between their parents.
  

• Demonstrate mature behavior for kids. This will help your children learn to deal with adversity and it will help earn their respect.
  

• Listen and think before you speak out. Don't just blurt out an emotional response in discussions with your ex-spouse. Take a deep breath, listen to what your ex is saying and then think through your response before you answer. It will help avoid a lot of hurt feelings.

Happy Holidays!

What if the Other Parent is Irresponsible?

I recently saw a report in the American Bar Journal online about a Georgia court case where the issue was whether a father could allow his children to be around his gay and lesbian friends. Apparently, the divorce trial court had issued a ruling preventing the father from letting gay and lesbian friends be around his kids. Apparently, there was no evidence introduced in court that the friends had acted inappropriately in front of the children.

I am not aware of a similar case arising in Texas, but I would assume that the Texas courts would probably reach a similar result. Regardless of whether the issue was about different sexual orientation, race, age, religion or some other factor, it should normally come down to whether there is evidence that something improper has occurred. If there is just a potential for problems, it is not likely that a judge would impose restrictions about who can be around children. If something happened, but no one was injured by some event or activity, there's probably not sufficient evidence to support restrictions.

It can be very frustrating when the other parent seems to be irresponsible or potentially endangering children, but that is not sufficient to support restrictions on the other parent. As bad as it sounds, the courts almost require someone to be hurt before they will intervene. If you have a situation that creates concerns about your children's health or safety, you should discuss them with your attorney. You may not be able to directly impose restrictions at that point, no matter how concerned you are or how reasonable and logical your fears are, but there may be some things you can do to help. Here are some ideas:

1. Discuss the situation with your ex. Don't overlook the obvious, direct solution. But, since you may not have any real leverage, you need to work on being diplomatic and conciliatory, no matter how hard that may be for you. It is certainly cheaper, faster and more effective if you can do something by agreement. There is also less chance of drawing the children into the middle of the dispute. Of course, you will probably be dealing with an emotional issue, so that will make it harder to be "nice". You can get some ideas from your attorney or a counselor to help you plan your approaches for the discussion.

2. Request that you and your ex meet with a counselor to discuss the issues. Hopefully, a few sessions will make it possible to come to an agreement in a safe atmosphere.

3. Here, in Tarrant County, Texas, you can contact Family Court Services at the courthouse and set up a meeting with an Access Facilitator. A Facilitator is a specially trained social worker who helps the parties meet and work out differences in how to raise children and share time with their children. Good News -- they are not only qualified, experienced social workers, but they are FREE!

4. Go to a mediator. This can be done with or without attorneys. You and your ex can split the mediator's fee. If one side uses an attorney, the other party should also bring an attorney to equalize the negotiations. Mediators have a very high success rate, so they are an excellent option.

5. Hire an attorney and go to court. This is the most expensive choice, but could be necessary if your ex is uncooperative.

6. Try using Collaborative Law. Both sides would have to agree to use the process, if it is to be used. Your ex might agree to it to keep the matter private, to get expert help or to be able to deal with the issue on his/her own schedule, instead of a court's schedule. The main point to keep in mind is that both parties would need to utilize attorneys trained in Collaborative Law, so you should ask about that when you are hiring an attorney. Using the process may minimize the damage to the relationships between the parties, which is important for the children.

There are obviously many different ways to approach an issue about the children. What you should not do is just get angry, start accusing your ex of misbehavior and being making demands. You will almost never be in position to solely determine the outcome, and such an approach will almost guarantee an expensive, ugly and protracted battle. Why do that when you have other effective options?

(I want to give credit and thanks to Nancy Van Tine of the Massachusetts Divorce Law Monitor blog for referencing the ABA story. She also has an excellent blog that is worth regular viewing.)

Toward a Better Father's Day

Too often, parents get into competitions over the kids, and that's usually not a good thing. If you want to be well-remembered as a parent, maybe you should consider treating the other parent nicer and doing what you can to encourage a close parent-child relationship with both parents.

1. Enable and encourage the kids to have regular contact with the other parent. In addition to personal visits, phone calls, texting or computer contacts, initiated by the kids would really be good.

2. Demonstrate a good relationship (if possible) with the other parent. At least be civil. Keep in mind that the kids understand they are part you and part the other parent. They may see you being mean to the other parent as you being mean to them.

3. Help kids learn to show their feelings for the other parent. Help them find gifts, buy or make cards, etc. Encourage the kids to spend some time with their other parent.

4. Help the kids to remember holidays, birthdays and family occasions with the other parent. Kids may not know what to do when they're young, so they need some guidance. When they are older, they may just not think about these events. You can help everyone by talking with your kids about the events and reminding them so they can participate.

Note: All this works equally well for both parents. Moms and Dads should work together to encourage the kids to look forward to various personal and family occasions. Father's Day is coming up, but helping kids stay in contact with both parents is a year-round job. Do your kids a favor and teach them good ways to stay in touch with their extended family.

Children’s Extracurricular Activities: Appropriate Or Excessive?

I just ran across the following post by Robert L. Mues of the Ohio Family Law Blog. For me, because of a case I am involved in, it is a very timely post. I believe a number of parents (and children) can benefit by considering the issues Robert raised. Extracurricular activities sometimes become points of contention during and after divorces, as well as in intact families. I highly recommend the post to help anyone struggling with such issues.

"This is the first of a two-part series dealing with children’s extracurricular activities. Next week, I will address the impact the divorce may take on a child’s extracurricular activity schedule when the parents have conflicts with each other.

"There is no doubt that extracurricular activities can be very beneficial to a child. According to a recent study by the Nellie Mae Education Foundation, children who participate in after-school programs are more engaged and have a better attitude about learning, perform better academically and enjoy an increased sense of accomplishment, competence and self-esteem. Additionally, participation also lowers children’s risk of becoming depressed, using drugs and alcohol, and experiencing other behavioral problems.

"Recently, while researching this topic, I came across an excellent article about how to choose after-school activity(ies) for children at www.scholastic.com. It also gives a breakdown discussing appropriate types and numbers of activities per week which are recommended based on the age and maturity of the child starting with kindergarten through middle school. The article offers advice which will help a parent determine if it is time for their child to start an extracurricular activity, what’s the best option and how to find a good program.

"Recently, Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., a child psychologist at Dayton Children’s Hospital and Dayton Daily News columnist, addressed a similar inquiry from a reader wondering if a child can be too involved with an extracurricular activity. Here the reader was asking about their 15 year old daughter, Maddie, who’s been involved in gymnastics since she was three years old and practices about 16 hours during the weekdays and competes on weekends year round. In response to that background, Dr. Ramey gives advice on how you can tell if your child’s dedication is beneficial or excessive.

• Be mindful of the effects on the entire family. While it’s great that kids are passionate about something, you need to carefully assess the impact on others, particularly siblings. Family life involves endless compromises in trying to balance the needs of adults and kids. In families with a high achieving teen, other siblings may inadvertently pay a high cost. The support of one child shouldn’t come at the cost of other family members.
• Keep the activity in perspective. While we don’t want to discourage kids from their passions, they do need a reality check about the significance of their activity for their future educational and vocational aspirations. Maddie’s mom has made it clear to her daughter that 'school is number one.'
• Be willing to walk away from the activity. There have been times when Maddie has encountered tough times and wanted to end gymnastics. How would her mom and dad have responded if she wanted to stop gymnastics? 'My parents are really into it…they wouldn’t be too happy.' Disappointment and frustration are inherent in the passionate pursuit of excellence. There are times when you should offer encouragement and not allow your child to give up when confronting difficulties. However, you should anticipate and be willing to accept the reality that there may be a time when your child abandons their passion for other pursuits.
• Regularly assess the real value of the activity. Most of our kids will never grow up to be professional baseball players or gymnasts. The value of their commitment is less in the acquisition of athletic skills and more in habits and friendships that persist long after the activity has ended. Maddie’s mom described the peer support that Maddie gets daily in the gym as '…the kind of friendships you don’t often get in life.' Maddie has also learned about discipline, persistence, and time management - habits that will serve her well throughout her lifetime.

"Dr. Ramey concluded that, “The child may never back flip her way to the Olympics, but I suspect she will be a successful person in whatever she does.” Click here to read Dr. Ramey’s full article.
One of the points clearly made in the scholastic.com article mentioned above is that it’s important to watch your child for signs of over-scheduling. “In younger children, this most often takes the form of irritability, avoiding eye contact and tantrums. In older children, look out for mood swings, recurrent sickness, such as stomach aches, and complaints about the activities themselves. At any age, if the school work begins to suffer, it’s time to cut back.” Click here to read the full article, by Toby Leah Bochan, at scholastic.com.

"One of the points clearly made in the scholastic.com article mentioned above is that it’s important to watch your child for signs of over-scheduling. 'In younger children, this most often takes the form of irritability, avoiding eye contact and tantrums. In older children, look out for mood swings, recurrent sickness, such as stomach aches, and complaints about the activities themselves. At any age, if the school work begins to suffer, it’s time to cut back.'

"While balancing children’s extracurricular activities can be difficult in a conventional intact family, read next week’s blog article where I discuss the impact that a divorce may have on juggling a child’s activities and parenting time."

There are some very practical ideas about how to evaluate the impact of extracurricular activities that should be helpful to many people. I also encourage you to read other posts in the Ohio Family Law Blog.

Can My 12-Year-Old Decide to Live with Me?

No. One of the most common mis-perceptions about Texas law is that once a child turns 12, he or she can decide where he or she will live, meaning the child can decide who has custody.

I would ask all parents out there to think about how many major decisions a 12-year-old gets to make alone and have the decisions bind his/her parents.

• Whether to attend school?
• Whether to do homework?
• Whether to drink or do drugs?
• Whether to get a tattoo or piercing?
• When to start voting?
• When to start driving?
• What films to view?

Those are all major decisions that parents, generally, don't abdicate to the children. Courts don't either. And state law doesn't either.

The reasons: lack of maturity, lack of experience, lack of knowledge and lack of legal capacity. Basically, we know children are usually not prepared to make serious decisions. Some children may be perfectly capable of making some of those decisions, but usually, that is not the case.

If you read the section of the Texas Family Code dealing with a choice of conservator, the Code does permit a child of at least 12 years of age to file a written statement to name the person the child prefers to decide his/her primary residence. In other words, a child can sign a written statement stating his/her choice for custody.

The key phrase follows that part of the Code: "subject to the approval of the court". In other words, the judge always makes the final decision. The child does not get to make a binding decision.

My suggestion is to keep the children out of the court system. They don't need to be involved in choosing sides. Kids usually lack the maturity to make a good decision. Plus, it puts kids in the middle between the parents, and that's not good. If necessary, the judge can interview a child (at least 12 years of age) to find out some facts about the case. Even then, it is unlikely that a judge will ask the child to name who should have custody. The parents are perfectly capable of finding and presenting all the necessary facts for a judge to make the decision.

What do you think about letting kids have a say on this topic?

Are "Sleep Overs" Allowed?

Fans of the just-ended series, Boston Legal, will remember the silly question that Alan and Denny frequently asked, "Sleep over?". On that show, it was often part of the end of the episode banter between the two lawyers. If you enjoyed the unusual humor of the show, you probably chuckled when the question came up.

In real life, the sleep over question comes up sometimes in post-divorce relationships where there are minor children still in the home. Sam Hasler, who writes an excellent blog called Sam Hasler's Indiana Divorce & Family Law Blog, had a recent post about the sleep over issue in Indiana and how their new visitation schedule will deal with the issue.

The issue still arises in Texas when a parent begins a relationship with someone new and wants to have the new romantic partner spend the night when the children are present. Our standard visitation schedule doesn't address the problem. There is actually no absolute answer to the question in Texas. Most often, it comes down to what the local judge will permit and the judge will have a lot of latitude to decide. There are, of course, moral issues which are paramount and clear cut for some people. Others may not hold the same moral position and that's where the courts come in.

If you are not dealing with this as a moral issue, the bottom line becomes what's in the children's best interest. Most judges, in Tarrant County at least, discourage ("prohibit") sleep overs until the parent is married to the new person, although that can vary a little based on the children's ages and the length of the relationship with the new adult. Some judges and child specialists will recommend not even bringing around a new paramour until the parent has been dating that person for 6 months to a year. Some parents will be impatient with that, but it normally will be in the children's best interest to avoid bringing a variety of new prospective step-parents.

Sometimes the court will explicitly order no sleep overs. Even without such an order, parents should think twice about bringing strangers around their children and keep in mind how confusing and upsetting the experience may be for the children. If regular visitation is taking place, or if time is being split pretty equally (which is getting to be more common), there will be plenty of opportunities for the parent to pursue dating activities with one or more adults without the children present. When the parent has the children, it's probably going to be better to focus on the children instead of splitting one's attention between the children and a boy/girlfriend.

If you think about what's best for the children, instead of just what would be more fun for you, the answer is pretty easy. What do you think?

Meeting Halfway for Child Visitation Exchanges -- Great Tip!

One of the consistently best family law blogs in the country is Georgia Family Law Blog by Steve Worrell. He recently posted a brief article about a really useful tool for parents who are figuring out where to meet to exchange their children. It's a web site that creates a map to help parents quickly resolve the issue of arranging the meeting place. Here's what he had to say:

"Frequently parents of divorce have an agreement, or a court order, to meet at a halfway point for purposes of exchanging their children for visitations. For families following such an arrangement,

MeetWays is a neat website.

"Meetways.com was created to let its users find a point of interest between two addresses. Let's say you need to meet your ex and the kids at some halfway point? Meetways.com will allow you to enter both addresses, then give you the exact halfway point and a list of restaurants and points of interest in that area. Save hours trying to figure out the halfway point on a map and instead find it in one simple click!"

I guess this would count as a tech tip. It's a very handy tool that can give an objective anwer to a question often asked about where the parties could meet in the middle. Even if the exact middle is not appropriate, just seeing the map could open up other possibilities for meeting places. The site can also help with finding a place to meet in the middle when there is longer distance travel involved, such as living in different cities or counties. It's a simple idea that's really worthwhile. Give it a try and let me know about your experiences.

SOURCE FOR POST: California Divorce Blawg -- where the story originated.

Relocation Revisited

It's important to play by the rules, even the unwritten ones. For many judges, there are some basic rules that apply to relocation issues. Relocation, in the family law courts, is the situation where a parent with custody rights for a child decides to move from where the parent and child had been residing to another county or state. It becomes an issue when one parent wants to move the child away from the other parent.

If you are thinking about moving to another area, you should first examine the current court order. Most Texas orders involving custody of children have a residency restriction. A very common restriction is to limit the child's residence to the current county or any county contiguous (touching) that county. Some orders are even more limited, such as specifying a single county, a city or a school district, for example.

Some orders don't have a residence restriction, but don't assume you get a free pass. Even without the restriction, the other parent can object to the move and the court may block the more.

Most Texas court orders also require that parents keep each other informed of their (and the child's) current address, as well as place of employment and phone numbers. Most orders also provide that a parent must notify the other parent (and often the court) when a parent changes home address, work place or phone numbers. The orders usually require the notice to be provided at least 60 days before the change goes into effect, or if the party doesn't know that far in advance, the notice is usually required within 5 days of when the parent learned of the change.

All of that sounds pretty easy, but here's how problems occur.

1. Moving out of the permitted area without prior notice. That's a big No-No.
2. Moving when the other parent has an active and close relationship with the child.
3. Moving when the other parent is mad or controlling or otherwise wants to make your life miserable.

Rules to keep in Mind:

1. The judge has a lot of discretion in determining what's in the child's best interest.

2. The judge will not be overly concerned with a new romance, or even marriage, of a parent that could lead to relocating the child's residence.

3. The judge is mostly concerned with what's in the child's best interest.

4. If the non-custodial parent has had an active and good relationship with the child, the judge is not likely to permit the custodial parent to move the child somewhere distant because it would disrupt the child's relationship with the other parent. (Notice the focus on the child.)

5. If a custodial parent moves with the child outside the area permitted by the current court order and fails to give proper notice to the other parent, it is very likely that a judge will order the child returned to the original geographic area, especially if there has been a good parent-child relationship with the non-custodial parent.

6. If a custodial parent is required to move by his or her employer, the court might permit the move, or might not.

7. Sometimes a judge will give a custodial parent a choice of giving up custody of the child or moving back to an area in compliance with the court order.

8. Moving a long distance away will not decrease the possibility that the judge will order the return of the child. I have seen several parents ordered to move the child back to Texas from California.

What's a parent to do (if she/he wants to move) ?

1. Keep on good terms with the other parent. Be willing to compromise, be flexible and share time with the child with the other parent. Key: Start doing that from the beginning, long before there is ever a potential issue.

2. Keep good records on support, visitation and participation in various activities. You may need them later.

3. Comply with all the court orders for notice and anything else relating to the child. Be a good citizen.

4. Think of creative ways for the other parent to maintain close contact with the child after the proposed move. Think about a web cam, email and messaging, as well as any new ideas that come along. You can offer to set up regular times for phone calls or other communication means.

5. Do research in advance. Look on the Internet for ideas. Talk with child specialists. Read any books or articles you can find about long-distance parent-child relationships.

6. Try to avoid litigation. IMHO, Collaborative Law is the best approach to resolving such difficult issues in a responsible way, but you can only do that if both parties agree to bring in a Collaborative lawyer. In Tarrant County, you can also use Access Facilitation which is available at Tarrant County Family Court Services. You can also offer to work jointly with a child specialist. Mediation might also be helpful.

7. Your chances for successfully moving away are much greater if you can do it by agreement rather than by going to court.

8. Hire an experienced lawyer to help guide you as you work through the issues.

5 Smart Parenting Tips for the Back-to-School Season

Around the first of August, parents start to get excited about the upcoming school year, and we know why. Some kids actually look forward to starting back to school, usually not for the homework, but for the chance for social activities and to see their friends. Some people are happy all the time, but a much larger group gets more energized as we get closer to the start of school. Since Texas (and many other states) have pushed back the start date for school, there is now more time to get emotionally and otherwise prepared for school. To help parents and children fill their time before school starts, here are five smart parenting tips to try out now.

1. Take advantage of the tax-free weekend. Texas and several other states have set up a weekend (August 15-17 this year) where no sales tax is collected for clothing, shoes and school supplies, among other things. It can save a lot of money for parents because stores usually have a lot of sales then as well. Parents can really stretch their funds if they plan ahead and shop on the tax-free weekend.

2. Coordinate end of summer travel. There is actually more travel time in the summer since the legislature moved back the start date for public schools. Parents should work together to make sure the children get into all the camps and programs they want and there is still time for family vacations. In addition, this summer, with higher gasoline prices, many families have decided to have stay-at-home vacations where they do local sightseeing. That is uncharted territory for many families who are not really familiar with what their hometown offers. In Fort Worth, for example, we have several major museums, including the Amon Carter, Kimbell, Modern, Cowgirl, Sid Richardson and Civil War, along with many interesting smaller museums. The Fort Worth Cats provide inexpensive, but comfortable and fun, entertainment at LaGrave Field, and they've won three straight league championships. The Texas Rangers provide comfortable and fun entertainment in Arlington.

3. Communicate with the other parent. A simple statement, it is nevertheless really hard for many parents to do. Communication involves sending (speaking, writing, emailing, etc.) and receiving (listening) messages and understanding what was conveyed. Life can be a lot better when the parents are talking and listening with each other and coordinating plans instead of trying to put their children in the middle of a tug of war. Theoretically, it is not hard to tell the other parent about plans for summer activity or sports classes, school schedules, start of the school year activities, kids' work plans, car/transportation issues, and sports and other extra-curricular activities. The trick is to talk with each other (respectfully) before your knee starts jerking. The knee-jerk reaction is to either ignore or tune out the other parent while mentally revisiting past arguments. A lot of problems can be avoided when the parties just talk with each other on a regular basis and share what's going on with their child.

4. Cooperate on health issues. At this time of year, parents learn about, or remember, needing to get physicals, dental exams, shots and medicine for their kids. The month of August is often difficult for scheduling medical or dental appointments. Parents should work together to get the appointments made as early as possible and they should be flexible in scheduling their time with the children. Both parents should be willing to take the kids to doctor's appointments, etc. Neither parent should engage in "offensive scheduling" -- trying to schedule appointments to disrupt the other parent's plans or to create scheduling problems or deplete the other parent's time with the children. Parents should play fair and share the commitment to obtain whatever is needed to start the school year.

5. Leave a week's cushion just before school starts. Don't schedule much for the last week before school starts. There will always be last-minute issues that will require immediate and sustained attention. New requirements will be discovered and plans will change. Don't plan to take the kids out of town that last week. They need to be rested and adjusted to the schedule they will be following during the school year. It's a good idea to start to impose the bed time and wake-up schedule of the school year so that the kids get used to it.

If parents will try out these simple ideas, they will find the month of August to be more peaceful, fun and productive for themselves and the children.

Why Parents Fight Over Custody -- 20 Quick Reasons

Custody fights occur probably more frequently than they need to during divorces. Many factors and forces come into play and result in litigation over child custody. Here are some of the common reasons why parents may engage in a custody fight. Anyone going through a divorce and contemplating a custody fight should take some time to realistically assess their motivation and the probability of success in a custody fight. If you are thinking about beginning a custody fight, take a minute and look at the following list. Mark the reason or reasons for your consideration of a custody fight. Dig below the surface and be honest! Think about which reasons are really good and appropriate reasons for contesting custody.

1. The parent has a sincere belief that he/she is the better parent.

2. A wife may want to avoid the embarrassment of being a mother who doesn't have custody of her child.

3. The parent may be really mad at the other parent, often on an issue not at all related to kids. It's a way to really demonstrate anger and get a response.

4. One parent may use the fight to punish the other parent. It's an opportunity to say some really bad and hurtful things about the other spouse. It may seem like an easy way to get revenge.

5. It can be an easy way to control the other parent. Getting started in a custody fight usually involves a great deal of court or agency oversight. Just making some allegations will produce a "lock-down" approach where severe restrictions can be imposed on the other party.

6. A custody fight, or even the threat of one, can help a parent gain a strategic concession on some other issue, i.e. property division. The reward for giving up a custody fight (even one that was surely a loser) may be some substantial assets given up by the other parent.

7. Amazingly, some parents will try to win custody primarily to avoid paying child support. Those parents obviously have not been very involved in raising kids.

8. Sometimes, there's a fight because a parent doesn't like the proposed visitation scheme. That's a "nothing to lose" approach. If the visitation schedule won't work, maybe having custody will.

9. The parent can't imagine being away from the child.

10. Family pressure may provoke a custody fight where a parent might not have tried it if the parent had been left alone.

11. Religious reasons, i.e. how the child is to be raised, may be the motivation of a deeply committed parent if the other parent does not share the beliefs or depth of beliefs of the first parent.

12. Mental or emotional issues of the parent wanting custody may lead to the action. Sometimes, a parent does not view the world in the same way that most of society does. A person with a maladjusted point of view may feel compelled to seek custody when objective and well-grounded parents would not.

13. A desire to maintain an active parenting role could be the motivation. Of course, there are many different ways to be an active, involved parent.

14. When there's a strong disagreement about the care-taking plans for the child, a custody fight can easily develop.

15. A parent may seek custody if there is a belief that the parent has superior resources for taking care of the child, i.e. the parent has more money and can afford to provide a better home, better schools and better opportunities for the child.

16. A mom may believe that the mother should always have custody.

17. A parent may believe that the child is more bonded to one of the parents.

18. The custody fight may just be an effort to financially ruin the other spouse.

19. Trying to win custody may be an effort to avoid having the child around the other spouse's family.

20. Sometimes, one parent may just enjoy fighting with the other parent.

Which of these is your motivation? Which ones do you think are good reasons for a custody fight? I think 1, 8, 11, 13, 14, 15 and 17 are appropriate reasons in some circumstances. What do you think? In addition to the costs involved, think about what your true, underlying reasons are for seeking custody. There may be some much better long-term alternatives available which you and your attorney can come up with.

Untraditional Custody Plans

A small article in the July 6, 2008 Parade magazine had some interesting comments about fathers' roles with their children after a divorce. The story mentioned the obvious, that many fathers lose contact with their children after a divorce and that most fathers are given the right to see their children two weekends a month and a few hours during the week. The Texas standard possession schedule is actually more generous than what Parade mentioned, but it still constitutes a huge change for those fathers who are used to seeing and interacting with their children every day.

There were two alternatives mentioned in the article that were interesting. One, which is becoming more common, is to have equal time. It used to be that judges would never consider that. Now, however, there seems to be more openness to such an approach. "Equal time" is easy to discuss in the abstract, but can be complicated when day care, homework, school activities and extra-curricular activities are factored in. Sometimes, religious activities also complicate matters. It's probably too early to say that there is a consensus that such a time sharing is good or bad for the kids or that both parents like the arrangement. Trying such an approach would require a lot of cooperation and maturity with the parents. Living close together would also be helpful. If parents really think they want to try to share time equally, they would be well advised to bring in a child specialist who could help them work through the practical details and adjustments that would be required for success.

Another possibility is to set a proportionate schedule where each parent has the children about the same amount of time that they were with the children when the couple was together. Of course, there are some potential difficulties with that approach. The parties would need to live near each other, preferably in the same school district, so there wouldn't be much travel time. Another complication is when one or both parents change jobs, or start working, which could affect the time availability for the parents. Also, a parent may not have been able to spend much time with the children for a period just before the separation, but now is able and wanting to spend more time with the children.

A complication under both approaches is how to handle child support. Sometimes, with equal time, neither party pays child support; many such parents refuse to pay child support because the other parent does not have "primary possession" of the children. In other cases, child support is figured for each parent and then the higher-income parent pays the difference (or half the difference) in the two amounts to the other parent.

Other issues to be resolved include the right to the tax exemptions for the children and the right to make certain essential decisions, such as medical care and education, for the children.

How to be a successful custody innovator:

1. Don't limit yourself to preconceived ideas or standard approaches.

2. At the same time, even though a particular plan may have worked for someone you know, don't assume that it will automatically work for you.

3. The parents must communicate well with each other for a major time-sharing arrangement to work.

4. Parents must be willing to live near each other and have a lot of contact after the divorce.

5. Counseling or co-parenting classes can help foster the right parental attitudes.

6. Parents probably need to consult with a child specialist to work out the details, especially if they try something really exotic. Keep in mind the children's ages and emotional development.

7. Always check with your attorney to find out if your judge is likely to accept what you are proposing.

Hopefully, you will come up with an appropriate, effective, comfortable plan for sharing time with your children in a less stressful and more supportive atmosphere for them.

I Don't Like My Ex-Spouse's Vacation Plans (With the Kids)!

I recently spent several hours at the courthouse because my client's spouse wanted to control my client's summer vacation with the children. While there may have been mental health issues active in this case, it was not the first time that a parent had tried to prevent or control the other parent's summer vacation plans with the children. As in most cases, it was a futile exercise, wasting time and money for both parties. My client was unhappy about being in court and the other party was very unhappy about the outcome. It all could have been avoided.

Courts in Texas will rarely get involved in parental vacation plans, unless there is a real danger to the children. If a parent has plans to expose the children to a very dangerous situation, a court might act. If a parent just doesn't like the other parent's plans or doesn't like others who will be around the children, most courts won't get involved. Judges can recognize when someone is being controlling or acting as a bully, and they generally won't support such behavior. Generalized fears that a parent may be somewhat irresponsible or that a child will be homesick or that a child won't have a good time are not sufficient to warrant restricting a parent's vacation plans. Complaining that a parent or others will "bad mouth" the other parent will not be sufficient to force a change in plans. There are less drastic ways to deal with all those scenarios.

There are several possible things that could be going on when this issue arises:

• There could be a legitimate concern, with a factual basis, related to past events. The problem (from that parent's perspective) is that the expected harm must be certain and significant, and that's hard to prove.
• The child may be telling both parents different things and may have her own agenda in creating conflict.
• The child may be telling both parents different things and may just be trying to cope with pressure put on the child by one or both parents.
• One parent may really be afraid that the child will have a good time with the other parent and wants to prevent that.
• A parent may be selfishly wanting to spend the time with the child and therefore tries to create whatever barriers he can to prevent the child from being away.
• One parent may be trying to alienate the child from the other parent or the other parent's family or friends, so she tries to interfere with visits.
• One or both parents could be mentally ill or very immature.
• A parent may just want to continue past fights with the other parent and is using this as a tool.

What can you do in such a situation?

• Talk to the other parent. Try to reason with him or her. Be willing to provide lots of information, if that will help.
• Encourage the other parent to go to a counselor to discuss the problem in advance.
• Consider going to a mediator. Some therapists are also trained mediators and that can be a helpful combination.
• In Tarrant County, Texas, you can make an appointment with the Access Facilitator for your court. A trained social worker can often help you and the other parent resolve the matter without attorneys or court, and at no cost!
• Your last resort should be hiring attorneys. Most experienced attorneys can pretty quickly tell you what the outcome will be if you go to court, and most of the time, the answer is that the judge will not restrict vacation plans, unless there is a serious, immediate danger.

Good luck, and may common sense be with you!

A Higher Calling -- Good Phone Etiquette

An issue that comes up occasionally is how to manage regular phone contact between a parent and a child when the child is with the other parent. Usually, it involves a younger child. Over the years, I have seen many battles over telephone contact. The fights are often proxies for the more direct issues between parents who are vying with each other to claim the relationship with the child. Sometimes, the conflicts will continue for years, with no apparent winner.

Courts have come up with some fairly standard solutions that will sometimes work. If the parents are really dedicated fighters, a court order is usually needed. The order must specify a lot of detail, or the parents will continue to fight over the dates, time, duration, and circumstances of the calls. For example, an order might provide that the non-custodial parent could talk on the phone with the child every Tuesday evening at 7:00 p.m. for 15 minutes. Sometimes, a decision is needed about whether or not it will be take place on a speaker phone.

In trying to decide whether to set up a pre-determined call, parents can easily get into the "what if..." game as a means of avoiding the calls. What if we're not home? What if we're eating dinner? What if they are playing outside with friends? What if Junior is sick? What if Sis has too much homework to talk? What if there are friends or relatives visiting? What if she is at a birthday party? What if he doesn't want to talk to Dad? A creative parent can come up with innumerable obstacles to the phone calls and still try to claim s/he is not opposed to the calls, if these issues can be resolved.

Here are some new tools that are being adopted to avoid some of the silliness and meanness that surfaces in connection with setting up contact between parent and child when the child is with the other parent.

1. Cell Phones. Fortunately, technology has provided many more alternatives to deal with whatever problems can come up. For starters, cell phones have made it possible to have a lot more contact at various times. While not every kid has a cell phone yet, I have it on good authority that every kid 14 or older has one; I know that my son was the last 14-year-old without a cell phone and he has one now. It is easy to make a call to a cell phone and not have to go through the other parent. The phone goes wherever the kid goes, so location and time are not such big factors anymore. Unless the child has very limited minutes available, the length of the conversations is not an issue. With even some 1st and 2nd graders now getting cell phones, and more kids having cell phones each year as they get older, there is a large group of kids who can easily talk with the non-custodial parent.

2. Another option is video conferencing. Like cell phones, more and more families have one or more computers with access to the Internet. With a small, inexpensive camera attached to the computer, it is pretty easy to set up a long-distance conversation with good picture and sound. It's a step up from just a phone call and is really helpful when the parent lives a considerable distance from the child.

3. Texting. OMG, it's something everyone can learn, and kids often seem more comfortable texting than talking. LOL. For adults who aren't familiar with it, and the lingo, you can learn quickly from your children (if you don't mind the condescension). With texting, you're not bound by time, dates or duration, so you can communicate often and casually.

4. Email. Most parents are probably familiar with email and use it often. They are comfortable with the process and have a computer or electronic equipment so they can email. For those without computer or email access at home or at work, there are free computers to use at public libraries and other places.

5. Leave Messages. Although this may be very old fashioned, but it still works. You can call, email or text a message to the child, or you could leave a hand-written note in your child's suitcase, backpack or books.

If you're thinking about utilizing one of these tools, here are some quick thoughts about how to avoid some of the problems that can develop.

• Don't be intrusive. Don't insist that your preferred schedule must be followed if it seriously interferes with what the child or other parent has planned. Be willing to compromise and don't interrupt legitimate activities of the other parent or the children. Kids don't want to be in the middle of a battle between parents over schduling.


• Don't be obsessive. Be flexible. Don't let this issue dominate your relationship with the other parent or child. Recognize that circumstances change and unforeseen events happen all the time. You may miss a call or chance to talk with your child, but there will be more.


• Don't be daily. Let your children breathe. Don't try to talk with them every day, unless there is a special need.


• Don't try to require a speaker phone or listen in on another extension. Unless there is clearly inappropriate behavior by the adult, allow your child and the other parent some privacy.


• Don't participate in your child's conversations with the other parent, unless invited to do so. Parent and child are really wanting to visit with each other, not you. Certainly, don't interject your comments in the conversations between your child and the other parent and don't interrupt them.

A little common sense and courtesy will go a long way to helping your child deal with the difficulties involved in living apart from one parent. Although there may be hard feelings between parents, they shouldn't let them show. Instead, the parents should demonstrate good adult behavior by cooperating and allowing, maybe encouraging, contact between their child and the other parent. Everyone will benefit in the long run.

Divorce "No No's" -- Don't Drag the Kids into the Divorce

A recent newspaper article highlighted some of the problems that can occur when kids are involved in their parents' divorce. That situation, involving famed wrestler/entertainer Hulk Hogan and his wife, is a little extreme, but the same type situations occur with just regular people.

Here's how children are sometimes brought into a divorce. Some may seem innocent, but they usually lead to bad situations. Some are active or direct and others are passive or indirect. They can all lead to emotional and behavioral problems for children.

1. Make a child into a messenger. This can be done a number of ways. A note can be sent through the child. A parent can tell the child in person to tell the other parent something. A parent, in a phone conversation, can ask the child to tell the other parent something. However it is done, there is a good possibility that the child will pick up on each parent's feelings (often anger) toward each other. The words used, the tone of voice and other non-verbal communication cues can be upsetting for a child. The nature of the other parent's response, both verbal and non-verbal, will also affect the child.

2. Let kids "overhear" comments about the other parent. This is a passive way to involve the children and subtly try to win them over to a parent's side. It can be distressful for children.

3. Let kids be present, in person or on the phone, to hear arguments about the kids. Parents can easily set up arguments to occur when the children are around, such as when the children are delivered from one parent to the other. It's hard enough for kids to transition from one household to another without adding more tension from an argument.

4. Make comments directly to the child about the other parent. Many parents are very blatant about making negative comments to a child about the other parent. That's often a sign of immaturity of the parent, but it can be very damaging to a child who may take the comments as an attack on the child since the child is part mom and part dad.

5. Discuss the "facts" of the divorce with the kids. Some parents believe their children are old enough and mature enough to know the "truth" about the parents' divorce. Often, the facts are not totally correct and reflect the natural bias of one parent. This is usually a way to try to win over the child to the parent's side. It took can be damaging to the child who hears a lot of negative comments about the other person who is half responsible for the child -- in effect, half of the child.

6. Inform kids, or let them know, about what they are missing out on because they will be with the other parent. This can be a little subtle. Maybe the parent is just disappointed because the child won't be around to go somewhere or do something with that parent, but it's upsetting to the child and it's unnecessary. It's also a way to try to put the other parent in a bad light because he or she isn't doing something exciting or because he or she won't let the child do something the child wants to do with the other parent.

7. Ask the kids to make choices between parents. This can take place on different scales, from choosing activities to choosing who to talk with to choosing where to live. That is too much responsibility for the child and puts the child in an inherently conflicted position. Those matters should be decided by the parents.

Thanks to Christine Bauer of the Florida Divorce & Family Law Blog for the tip on the story. You can read her comments about it here.

Good Advice for Parents

Recently, J. Benjamin Stevens of the South Carolina Family Law Blog printed an excellent guest post which should provide guidance and inspiration for all parents, whether in intact families, single parent households or step parent relationships--

The following article is from one of our regular guest columnists,

Dr. Trey Kuhne:

A few months ago, a friend sent this to me through the email. I am uncertain who the original author is but was moved so much by it that I thought it might be an encouragement to parents who wonder if their children are ever watching them or not? It is called “When you thought I wasn’t looking.” Take a brief read.

"When You Thought I Wasn’t Looking" by a child

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God!

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, "Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."

As children, we saw just about everything our parents did and said and we modeled ourselves after them, good, bad and indifferent. Now as parents, you are worried about everything you do because you realize that your children are watching you! Your children deserve excellent parents!

Dads, let your children see you loving and kissing mom, let them see how a man loves a woman with respect. Dads, let your children observe how you handle difficulties and come to consensus in matters of disagreement.

Moms, let your children see and experience you praising Dad for his love, leadership, and faithfulness to God. Moms, let your children observe how you make decisions, how you consider different possibilities and derive solutions.

Let your children hear your prayers out loud. Let your children see you disagree and then come to consensus again. Teach your children through modeling the kind of behavior that you appreciate so much in your life.

Basically what I am saying is to not withhold from your children the experience of life. They are going to experience it at school, in sports, and with their friends and what better way for them to get it right by experiencing it through the two (or one) of you.

Grace and Peace, Dr. Trey Kuhne
Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.