Tuesday Tip: It's All in the Timing!

Planning Ahead

Save time and avoid phone tag.  Avoid wasted money.  How, you may ask?

Check with your attorney about when the best time to call would be.  Good attorneys (and even bad ones) get busy.  They have court appearances, they meet with clients, and they prepare for court and other activities.

You may discover that your attorney is not always sitting by the phone, waiting for you to call.

How can you plan calls so that they have a good chance of getting through?

Ask the lawyer or the legal assistant when a good time to call is.  They may have an answer and it could save you a lot of time. You might even ask to set up a telephone appointment that shows up on the calendar.

It could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship!

Using Technology to Stay in Contact*

*A soon-to-be-obsolete checklist of new tools that you can use to stay in touch with your kids and other family member. (Please help by sending your comments with new ideas!)

When families split up, there's always a challenge in staying in contact with each other. Mostly, this is an issue for parents, grandparents and children, but it can also come up when parents are trying to coordinate their activities with their children. For our younger readers, these may not be big news. For the more "experienced" readers, this may provide some new tools to help.

Without further ado, here's a list of 10 relatively new "tools" you can use. I will mention some brand names, but I have no financial connection to any of them. They are simply things I have run across that seemed helpful, not too expensive and easy to work with. These suggestions apply whether the family members live in the same city, across the county, across the state or across the country.

1. An on-line calendar. Google has a calendar that is easily accessible and fairly easy to work with. In addition, there is at least one private company, Our Family Wizard, which provides a calendar that is popular and seems to work well. I'm sure there are several more such calendar systems and there will be even more. Just look around on line to find one you like.

2. Texting. This has become very common-place and is close to universal. It completely eliminates the old need to have scheduled times when children had to be home to receive a phone call from their parents. Instead, we can have frequent, short and more normal contact -- once you learn the abbreviations.

3. Cell phones. Similarly, this eliminates formal phone calls and allows frequent and fun informal contact between parents and children.

4. Email. This is probably better suited to older children and certainly for adults. It is easily eclipsing snail mail, but younger kids may choose other systems for their messages.

5. Skype. You can sign up for this and then have visual phone calls with your family and friends. Most new computers will have a camera, or you can easily find a very inexpensive camera to attach to your computer if it doesn't have one.

6. Blogs. It is easy to create a family blog that is not public. You can have it restricted to only specified people (parents, grandparents, children, cousins, etc.) and restrict the password. On the blog, you and family members could report on trips, events and activities. It could be like an annual holiday newsletter, but updated much more frequently. Different people can be given permission to write on the blog, so you can get a variety of personal perspectives. You can post photos as well. There are a number of free platforms for setting up blogs, including Blogger (Google) and WordPress. They are very easy to set up and require almost no technical knowledge. You would want to carefully protect your privacy with the settings.

7. Photo sharing. There are several photos sharing sites available for free, and you can use Facebook and email. Getting in the habit of taking photos with a cell phone (or a camera) and then immediately sharing them with family can be a great way to stay closely connected.

8. Facebook. You can keep up with current events and photos and you can send direct messages to your Friends. Facebook is very easy to learn and use, although you have to watch out for their frequent changes and you should carefully manage your privacy settings. Also, keep in mind that most of what you post will be visible to a large group of people, so think before you post. Google now has a version, so be prepared to work in both systems.

9. YouTube videos. It is easy to set up a YouTube account for yourself and YouTube has videos explaining how to do almost anything. If you need help understanding or implementing any suggestions in this post, just look for a YouTube video to learn how. You and your family members can post videos of yourselves and others, which can make it easy to keep up with each other.

10. Scan and send. Scanners are cheap and easy to use now, so you can capture photos or documents and then send them by email or post them on various sites. If you need to talk about vacation plans, for example, you can send information this way.

How to Get Started:
For more details on these various options, including how to do it, a good starting place would be YouTube. If you want to read about any of these, use Google or other search engines and look up the key words (the titles of the 10 methods, for example).

Now for Your Part:
Please send your suggestions and new tools to share with others who may be trying to maintain a distant relationship. Many of these ideas are not terribly new, but they are new additions to traditional post-divorce communications. I expect there will always be newer and better ways to communicate and your ideas can help many other people. Please send your comments with suggestions and products you have used or learned about. Thanks for sharing!

Responding to Provocation

I have just run across a new (for me, at least) blog called the Fresh Start After Divorce Blog, run by the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, which had some really good, practical advice and inspiration for dealing with the transition from marriage to single person. Ellen Kellner wrote a recent post entitled "How NOT to React to Your Ex!" which I reprinted below. Her advice can work equally well for men or women.

"What is the cinching element to The Pro-Child Way? Mindfulness. It’s that moment where you stop reacting to your ex and let the stillness guide your heart. It’s the breath in, before you say something spiteful about your ex in front of your child. It’s the glance downward towards your child, before your eyes start rolling up in aggravation. Mindfulness is an opportunity – an opportunity that opens your awareness to choice.

"Mindfulness leads to the other way: the Pro-Child Way. Whereas another divorced-parenting path may have been previously obscured, mindfulness opens your eyes to other possibilities. Your challenge is to be aware that this other path exists and then recognize the opportunity before you pass right by it. Why bother? Because you have a child who needs to be considered.

"Thankfully, when it comes to divorce, we get many, many opportunities to practice mindfulness. If you’re lucky, your ex may be a jerk several times before noon – all lovely opportunities for mindfulness practice!

"After the first 'ex' incident, when you react with full divorced passion, do you find a moment when you think, 'hmmm, maybe I shouldn’t have said that.' If you do, grasp that moment: this is the call of mindfulness. Reaffirm that inkling, by saying, 'yes, I should have stopped before saying that.' And then move on, this isn’t about guilt trips!

"How much practice is it going to take to shorten the time between your ex’s provocation, and your realization that maybe you shouldn’t blurt out what’s on your mind? If you can come to that conclusion in an hour after the crime, why not in 10 minutes, or in 5 seconds? When you catch yourself reacting BEFORE you do it, not only will the angels sing, but also your ex’s mouth may drop. That’s when you can smile. That’s when you’re recognizing an opportunity for mindfulness.
So what’s next? Your ex just said something and you’re standing there smiling. Clearly, someone’s gotta do something next. This is the real beauty… you can choose! The possibilities are fun. In the flash of your smile your wonderful brain can create a zillion responses. As it discards the ones that will land you in jail, the more caring responses rise to the top. Slightly problematic are the times when the nurturing response is elusive. It happens. Here are two good standbys to have in your 'do' list:

"Do keep smiling, turn, and walk away from your ex.

"When you become better at multi-tasking, add vocal to the smile/turn/walk routine. Do sound 'hmmmm' then smile/turn/walk away.

"In your mindfulness, it’s much better to choose to say nothing than to react with an under-processed thought. It really doesn’t matter if your ex thinks you’ve lost it. It isn’t your ex’s opinion that matters anymore. Your child will benefit from your practice of mindfulness, and you will too. It’s from this point that you can start your journey down The Pro-Child Way."

A special thanks to my friend Sam Hasler of Sam Hasler's Indiana Divorce & Family Law Blog for the tip to read this blog. I agree with him that it is worth watching. I can recommend it to both women and men, despite the title. It won't help some people, but I can imagine a lot of men and women will feel better and more hopeful after reading some posts.

Acting Your Age -- Bad Tricks That Will Lead to Conflict

Sometimes, it's easier to act like a child than it is to accept adult responsibilities. Sometimes it's more fun to act like a child. Usually, it doesn't help resolve your family law issues. Sometimes we subconsciously continue to act like little kids because it's the way we dealt with conflict in the past. The methods are not always effective, especially when measured against the goal of peacefully resolving marital problems, but they require little or no thinking or planning and they will almost always lead to a reaction.

Here are some things that you should seriously avoid. These are DON'Ts. They make a difficult, stressful situation worse and they may prevent you from meeting your needs. Think back to when you were a kid. Which of these techniques did you use to annoy your sister or brother? How do you think your spouse feels when you do these things to him or her?

1. Hiding toys from someone. One kid hiding toys from a brother or sister is not at all unusual. It may be payback for something else or it could be from jealousy. Things are often hidden and held hostage to encourage some other action by a party in order to get the item back. That behavior happens all the time in divorces.

2. Getting the last word in an argument. Very common with children, especially as pre-teens and teens. Some kids develop that as a habit and they continue to practice it in marriages, which can lead to bad problems. It gets worse in a divorce.

3. Instigate a conflict, then claim to be the victim. We all have seen this happen. A younger child hits an older one who retaliates. The younger one then starts crying and an adult ends up disciplining the older one for picking on the younger one. That technique also works in divorces and can be very irritating to the initial victim who is punished.

4. Insist on taking away something your sibling wants. Sometimes, it doesn't matter what the kids are fighting over. They both claim they want the same thing and it becomes a contest of wills. Ever see that with married or divorcing couples? I have, plenty of times.

5. "I'm hungry/bored." Young children are naturally focused on themselves, their comfort and their needs. As they get older, they start being bored. Adults do the same things as they withdraw from relationships, or avoid a close relationship with a spouse. Being self-absorbed may feel somewhat comfortable, but it makes it hard for an adult to really understand their spouse or other family members. Lacking insight into others or empathy for their feelings makes it hard for adults to maintain good relationships.

6. "You're mean." Young children not only blame others for their problems, but they will make a broad assertion about how bad the other child is. Many adults continue to do that throughout their lives.

7. "That's not fair. " This is a common complaint among children. As children mature, their arguments may grow more sophisticated, but they still come back to the subjective standard of fairness. Obviously, what is clearly fair from the perspective of one person may seem very unfair to another person looking at the same situation, but from a different perspective. Many adults going through a divorce become very frustrated because the process and the results don't seem fair to them. Actually, what often happens is that the situation seems unfair to both parties at the same time, because fair is subjective.

How many of these sound familiar? Most people use most or all of the techniques as kids and some continue the tricks as adults. The results are usually unsatisfactory for adults. Situations are more complex and often more is at stake.

What to do? Here are some ideas.

• At the outset, spend time to think about your goals so that you decide what's important to you. Don't waste time on irrelevant or insignificant things.
• Think before you act or speak. How will your words or actions affect your spouse and how will s/he react? Try to anticipate the consequences.
• Get counseling to help you through the difficult emotional times.
• Talk to your attorney and follow the attorney's advice, even if it's not what you were hoping to hear.
• Try to consider the issues like a business transaction.
• Put yourself in your spouse's position and try to understand how s/he feels.
• Think long term. Consider the future consequences of a course of action. Don't base your decision solely on what is expected to happen immediately. Look at the long term effects of different actions.

Confidentiality -- Can You Keep a Secret?

In the field of family law, many people have "situations" they would like to keep secret: embarrassing, inappropriate and sometimes illegal behavior. Unfortunately, confidentiality doesn't necessarily cover things just because they are embarrassing, inappropriate or illegal. In fact, those activities are often ones that draw the most interest in family law cases. It is usually pretty easy to establish the relevance to the case. For example, if there are kids and the matter relates to parenting somehow, it will probably be relevant to the case and may be admissible. If fault is being argued to justify an unequal division of the community estate, the bad activities may be part of the proof of fault, and therefore admissible.

Here are some quick thoughts about confidentiality.

• You should always assume that everyone will see, hear and read everything. Be careful what you do and say and write. It will likely be used against you in court. If you make threats, verbally or in writing, someone may have a video image (with a cell phone, everyone has a video camera now) or a document. Think, before you speak or act. Assume that whatever you do or say will be seen or reported in court.

• There is still attorney-client confidentiality, but not if you bring in a 3rd party (friend, parent, sister, etc.) to the conversation. You can also give up the confidentiality if you disclose the information to someone else. There is also no confidentiality for plans to commit future criminal offenses.

• It is a good idea to tell your attorney, in advance, the bad facts of your case. You may feel better just getting it off your chest, and the attorney has probably heard a whole lot worse stuff anyway. It takes a lot to shock an experienced attorney.

• Another advantage of telling the attorney is that s/he will have time to prepare a response for when it comes up in court. Actually, it is often a good strategy for your attorney to bring out your bad facts (in a controlled manner) to minimize the damage.

• Don't expect the husband-wife privilege to help you keep out bad statements in a divorce.

• Although it is relatively easy to do electronic snooping on a computer, by planting microphones or by hiding cameras, that does not make it legal. There are legal ways to search a computer (with a court order), but you should not try it on your own. Hiding microphone or cameras can get you into trouble for violating wiretapping and privacy laws, among other things.

• If you suspect you are being spied upon, you should immediately tell your attorney and then have an expert check it out. While you are in litigation, you should assume that whatever you say, do or write could show up in court, so be careful.

• If you are really concerned about privacy, you should consider using the Collaborative Law process because it provides a great deal of privacy. You can talk to your attorney at the outset about that option.

If you get involved in a litigated family law case, there will be very little privacy and limited confidentiality. You should be prudent in how you interact with others since whatever you do could easily show up in court.

New Year's Resolutions: 7 Tips for Being a Better...

Since it is the first of the new year, I will join the chorus with some New Year's Resolutions for divorced or separated parents and others. Following these tips should help you behave better, have better discussions and keep the peace.

The holidays can be a tough time for families, whether together or divided. There are many activities, financial obligations and a feeling that everything should be wonderful, but that things might not work out well. When families are together, there can be problems with conflicting events and expectations from both sides of the family. In a post-divorce situation, the stress tends to be magnified. The same conflicts, plus others, can occur. Usually, families operate under a standardized, somewhat arbitrary schedule for time with the children. Many times, the parents encounter difficulties in juggling school activities, parties, shopping, family gatherings, and travel. We are a little past the immediate danger of some of the worst arguments, but it never hurts to plan ahead.

Here is a list of seven tips to help you be a better ex-spouse/parent/grandparent/or significant other. Hint: you can actually use these any time of the year when you are dealing with family issues.

1. Listen and think before speaking. Listen to your child or the ex-spouse or whoever the discussion is with. Pause and think about what you are going to say and what effect it may have. Try not to react in anger, even when justifiably provoked. Listening demonstrates respect, which doesn't hurt when you are negotiating a personal issue. Think carefully about the words you choose. They can make a huge difference. Labeling someone an idiot or stupid or something worse will make it harder to get a concession from them.

2. Pause and take a deep breath to diffuse anger. You don't have to go on autopilot to engage in a discussion. Doing so will likely lead you into an argument where you and the other party simply fall into a pattern of quick, angry reactions to each other. If you pause, the other party may continue speaking and that may not be bad. Sometimes, as we know, people just want to vent, to get something off their chest. Letting the other party speak may go a long way to resolving the problem.

3. Put yourself in the other person's position. This may be hard to do as an argument starts to heat up, but you can do it if you pause, take a deep breath and think before you speak. With only a small amount of effort, you can probably put yourself in the other person's place and try to understand what he or she wants and why. That effort may enable you to figure out a way to resolve the issue without getting into a huge argument. Play the devil's advocate with yourself. Consider how you would feel if the other person requested what you are wanting. Think through what you are saying and what the consequences may be. Think of the damage you can cause by recklessly pursuing an argument. You may technically be right, but that may not be the best position to take. If you insist on following the letter of the law (the exact wording of the order, for example), that may preclude you from getting a break from the other party later on when you want to do something a little outside the rules.

4. Don't take things personally. That's often a tough one. If you're in a "discussion" with your ex, it's natural to take things personally. One way to help avoid that is to plan ahead, anticipate arguments and be prepared for how an angry response may be delivered by your ex. You don't have to stoop to his or her level. While it may be very satisfying in one sense to get angry and engage in a big argument, in the long run it is harmful. Keep in mind the fact that you will probably continue to have some relationship with the other person for the rest of your life. If you take time to anticipate what may be said, you can avoid a quick, angry response.

5. Try out the other person's suggestion. Sometimes the other party is right and sometimes their ideas are as good as yours, although it may be hard to admit it. For example, if the other parent wants to split the cost of a tutor, maybe you should try it out. Don't just defend your power, authority or turf. Give their suggestion a try. Maybe you'll find that it's not such a bad idea. If you try it and it is a bad idea, it will be harder for your ex to defend the next time such an issues arises. If the idea works, great!

6. Put each situation in context. Think about the big picture. It may be better to concede some small stuff to keep the peace or to encourage your ex to be accomodating for you later on something else. Not all issues are equally important. Exchanging weekends, or changing the pick up or return times a little bit, should not be a big battle. Resist the urge to bring in other issues when the discussion could be about just one small issue.

7. Seek common ground. Be able to compromise. It is rare for one person to always be right or solely have the best ideas. Think about what you and the other party have in common. For example, you may disagree about which after-school activities a child should be in, but you may be able to work to an agreement by remembering (and discussing) what goals you both have for the child. If you start from a broader policy or value statement, such as encouraging music education because studies show it can lead to higher IQs, then you can change the focus to finding the best program available under the time and financial limitations that may exist. Starting from, or going to, common ground can help the parties find answers they can both live with.

It is true that it may not be entirely satisfying to be a peacemaker. The adrenaline rush from a fierce argument can be wonderful, especially if you skillfully tear the other person apart with your clever words. In the long run, however, the damage done may cause major problems that seriously outweigh the enjoyment of winning an argument. These are just a few of the actions you can use to help you avoid getting into destructive arguments and help you become a better parent, ex-spouse, etc. ...

The Pitfalls of Modern Communication

There are more and more ways to communicate. Sometimes we intend to communicate and sometimes we are recorded in some fashion without our knowledge. Government and businesses, as well as some private citizens, are increasingly gathering information about people, even when the people are not involved in litigation. When litigation is on-going, there is even more monitoring and recording of various aspects of our lives. With that in mind, the following warnings may be helpful to keep in mind when you are involved in the court system in some way.

1. Be careful what you say. Voice mail seems to be everywhere when people don't answer their phones. Most people don't think twice about leaving a recorded message, but they really should think about it when they are or might be involved in a court case. It's always best to think about how your message, especially one made in anger, would sound when played in court. In addition, your non-recorded statements made to others can fairly easily be testified about in court. Think about how your words might sound when someone else is repeating them from memory. Also, telephone calls can be recorded, sometimes legally, sometimes not. They also may be played in court. Statements can also be easily recorded by tiny voice-activated recorders or by most cell phones now. Bottom line -- think before you speak.

2. Be careful what you do. Just as in the case of voice recordings, your image may be recorded in various ways, some you may know about and others which you don't know about. Small video or regular cameras are easy to carry and pull out to get pictures. The same is true for cell phones with camera capabilities. It doesn't take long to show up on You Tube. Security cameras are becoming more and more common. Going into some stores permits your image to be recorded.

In addition to your image, your activities are being recorded. Various government agencies keep more and more records. Some may be accessible through the Freedom of Information Act and other means. Toll tags make it possible to track your driving habits. Cell phones can sometimes be traced to find your location. Using credit or debit cards creates a trail. Bottom line -- think before you act.

3. Be careful what you write. There are many ways to send written messages which may come back to haunt you. Among the now-common fairly new means of communication are email, text messaging and instant messaging. Various other computer records are also possible to uncover. Old fashioned methods, such as "snail mail", notes, cards or signs, can be produced in court to embarrass or contract someone. Bottom line -- think before you write.

4. Be careful how you record things. There are still some rules and laws that apply to gathering and recording information on people. There are various federal and state rules and laws that apply. Wiretapping is generally forbidden (although not for the government). Bugging by hidden microphones or cameras may violate laws and the products may be inadmissible in court. There can be civil liability for violation of some laws or someone's right of privacy (which seems to be shrinking). There are different state and federal laws regarding recording phone calls and a local attorney should be consulted before you undertake such actions. Bottom line -- think before you record.

The best advice is to assume that whatever you say, write or do will be recorded and then displayed in court or in public. Act appropriately.