Divorce Over 50: Breaking Free

Divorce after a long-term marriage requires a lot of adjustments.   All the legal changes, living arrangements, family connections, financial uncertainty and a myriad of other issues can be overwhelming.  It all comes down to one word:  change.

Change can be very difficult for many people, especially at a time when they are looking for something to hold onto.  The reaction for some people is to slow down or shut down, to try to make the world move slower.  It's easier to understand things if they change slowly.

Some people will take slowing down to an extreme and will try to do nothing while they process what's going on and what they will need to do.  Sometimes, it's easier to hunker down and stay home in a quiet safe environment.  That can give people time to emotionally catch up with what's happening legally.

But, becoming immobilized can be dangerous over the long run.  If you find yourself in this situation, you cannot adequately take care of your own needs.  You can stay home and avoid people for a while, but soon, you will have to get on with your life. 

What if you get stuck in a rut and can't figure how to get out?  Here are some tips to help you break free of the physical and emotional paralysis that can easily overtake someone dealing with intense personal changes.

1.  Go outside.  Get some fresh air.  Take a walk.  Go to the mall.  Shop without spending money --just look.  Move around in public.  Don't be isolated.

2.  Exercise.  Join and use a gym.  Run, bike, climb or walk.  Getting exercise will have lots of benefits, from mental alertness to losing weight to meeting new people.

3.  Hang out at a coffee shop with a friend.  You can look around and take turns making up the life stories of the other people hanging out there.

4.  Go to a modern art gallery or museum.  Look for some art that you can understand or like.   If you already like modern art, go to a gallery or museum with some other type of art that you may not appreciate.  Have some fun with it.

5.  Go see a live play.  If you regularly go already, pick out a  theater that's a different type than what you usually attend.  Bonus points if you go with a friend and discuss the play afterwards.

6.  Go listen to a different genre of music.  Go hear classical music, if you don't usually listen to it, or go hear blues, country, reggae, bluegrass or something else you aren't familiar with.

7.  Fly somewhere on a whim.  Take a weekend trip on a "last-minute" special.  Go see a friend or a place you have been meaning to see.

8.  Help a friend with a problem.  You'll be amazed at how much that will help you.

9.  Try an activity from your youth.  Go dancing, swimming, boating, bowling or playing miniature golf, if you haven't done so for years.  You'll feel younger and act younger.

10.  Try an unusual restaurant.  Go to one that serves a different type of food than you are used to.  Expand your tastes.  Tell your waiter that it's your first time and you need some help and suggestions.

If you are a Baby Boomer exiting a long-term marriage, you need to expand your horizons.  You have a lot of choices and opportunities ahead of you.  To get a jump start, try some of these ideas.  Have some fun!

P.S.  If you have some suggestions, please send us a Comment (below).

Starting Over Later in Life

A common situation for some people, especially Baby Boomers, going through a Collaborative or litigated divorce is the need for one spouse to re-join the workforce. Often, although not always, the wife is suddenly facing the need to earn a living after years of being a stay-at-home mom and raising children. Sometimes she has work experience from years ago, but that is often outdated or she may have lost interest or connection with that career. As a result, the out-of-the-workforce spouse must face the daunting task of reinventing herself in the workplace so she can be self-supporting. Unfortunately, there seems to be little guidance readily available to help people in that situation, and "the law" doesn't provide much help, other than alimony, which is usually pretty limited.

So, what should someone do facing that challenge? There are so many unknowns involved, it would be helpful to break up your efforts into small steps. And don't just jump to the end. Work through the process so you know where you are going and know it's the right direction. Here are some ideas:

How to Start a New Career

1. Know yourself. Make an inventory of yourself. Analyze your skills, experience, interests, strengths and weaknesses, tolerance for risk, willingness to be self employed or to work for someone else, training, hobbies, income requirements, comfort with technology and the amount of time available for working. Sometimes, it even helps to ask close friends or relatives what they think might be appropriate for you. They may have some very perceptive observations that would be helpful. You could also see a counselor who can help you identify skills and interests.

2. Research possibilities. Look into various industries and jobs that might fit with your skills, experience or interest. Figure out where some appropriate jobs might be located and what the requirements would be for you to do that work. Will you need training or certification or other qualifications? Is a college degree required? You need to create a target -- the type of job, location, pay, hours, etc. -- so you will know what you are looking for. It will also help you figure out where to look for your job. A counselor may also be able to point you to some resources.

3. Improve yourself. There will always be some things that you can or should do to improve yourself to be more marketable and more productive at work. Here are some ideas:

Research first. Find out what you need to learn and then arrange to get the training. Don't wait until you apply for the job. Get the training now so you will be more marketable.

Be an Intern. That's usually an unpaid position, but the real payoff is in knowledge and experience which might make the difference in getting a job. Find positions in your chosen industry and volunteer to start out for free to get some experience. Sometimes those positions turn into job offers. Even if they don't, you may get a reference or connections or learn how to find a job in the industry.

Get counseling. Work with a counselor or a life coach to make sure you are on the right path and to shore up an deficiencies you may have. You might need help setting priorities or goals, or you may need help getting organized. Sometimes, it just helps to be accountable to someone else who can gently nudge you when you need it.

Get a mentor. Find someone in the industry or someone more experienced who you can contact whenever you need some guidance. It really helps to have an insider on your side.

Volunteer. If you have some free time, volunteer to help an organization that you believe in. You will feel better and it is one more thing to put on your resume. It's much better than just sitting around, and you might make some connections that may lead to a job.

4. Promote yourself. There are many things you can do to promote yourself.
You will need a resume. It should be appropriate to the industry you are interested in. Get some guidance from a counselor, coach or mentor. Research what the prospective employer is used to. Formats and content may vary widely between industries. You want to stand out, but in a good way.

Network everywhere. Talk to everyone about your quest. Join groups. There may be a study group or some other organization of people looking for jobs in your area. Create a group, if necessary. Talking with family and friends and others may lead to the connection you need.

Use social media, if you are comfortable with it. If you don't know much about it, do some research online and learn how things work. (You can always talk to your kids or nephews or nieces.) Sign up for LinkedIn which has become a significant resource for finding jobs or finding employees. You can have a resume on it for free. It's a great way to connect with friends and make new friends. Twitter can also be a way to watch for job openings and to promote yourself. Facebook, if used carefully, can be a good way to reconnect with old friends -- it's networking online. Google + is new, but it will compete with Facebook and will probably also be a good tool for networking. If you have some knowledge about your desired field, you could blog about it and that might be very helpful in raising your visibility.

5. Get your head on straight. Getting started on such a life-changing effort is daunting. If you don't break it down into manageable steps and put deadlines on yourself, it may be very easy to not follow through and to get frustrated with a lack of progress. That is especially the case if you glance over your shoulder and look at the image of the life your spouse is living with his or her established position in contrast to how you are struggling. Instead of looking backward, look forward and picture your goal of a meaningful, productive and rewarding job. Be realistic and remember that you won't get it overnight and it will take some time to build a career. Don't try to do it all alone. Work with someone else for accountability and reassurance.
You may have noticed that this article doesn't provide a quick solution to finding a job when you are starting over later in life. Instead, I have provided a series of steps that can greatly improve your chances of finding the job you want and need. Don't take shortcuts. Get help from others and be flexible. Good luck!

How to Be Alone During Family Transitions

As Monty Python used to say, and now for something completely different. Today's post is not "legal" information. It's more from the "counselor at law" portion of my work.

Aside from the changes in your legal status, divorce brings a lot of emotional changes and most people have to learn how to start over in some ways. A problem I have seen over and over, with all kinds of clients, is the rebound relationship. Some people have trouble being alone and not being part of a relationship.

I recently saw a video poem about being alone and I thought it had a lot of good ideas. If you are experiencing a change in relationships, the following video might be very helpful for you.

Hopefully, the video will help with those times when your spouse or significant other, or your children, are not around and you are alone. It is just temporary, but it can be difficult if you are not prepared and you aren't used to being alone.

I thought the video was excellent -- let me know what you think.

The Unhappiness Gap

It seems that James J. Gross, in the Maryland Divorce Legal Crier, has an almost limitless supply of relevant, analytical and often encouraging comments about family relationships. Last week, he published the following suggestions that can be useful for people facing divorce or for people wanting to avoid a divorce.

"A recent study concludes that a happiness gap between spouses is a harbinger of divorce. It goes further to state that the odds of divorce increase if the wife is unhappier than the husband, because women file more divorces than men. Here are my two best tips for managing unhappiness, in marriage or divorce.

"1. Make a Grateful List. It is easy to look at the glass half full. It is human nature to always want more than we have. And your brain will keep pumping out negative thoughts as long as you dwell on what you don’t have instead of what you do have. An antidote for this is to write down all the things in your life that you are grateful for. Read this list out loud every morning.

"2. Keep a Good Things Notebook. Get a small spiral notebook. At the end of each day, write down all the good things that happened to you that day. Someone smiled at you or complimented your outfit. Keep it simple and short. Try to find at least five things a day."

I heard similar suggestions from a life coach in Texas several years ago, but I like trying out these ideas in the context of a marriage. Actually, they are probably not a magic shield that can protect you from divorce if you wait to try them out when there are serious relationship issues. If adopted and used regularly and early on, they can probably provide a lot of preventive benefit.

On the other hand, if you find yourself facing a divorce or deciding to pursue a divorce, following these suggestions should help ease your pain and assist in your emotional transition to single person. While it would obviously be helpful to the "leavee" (the one being left), a focus on the positive could certainly benefit the "leaver" (the one deciding to leave the relationship)as well. If nothing else, the emphasis on the "good" aspects of the situation should help avoid the often depressing situation of sitting around thinking about how bad the situation is.

There's not much work involved in following the suggestions. Please give them a try and then let us know if it helped.

Recipe for a Happy Divorce

In looking around the blogosphere recently, I ran across an uplifting blog post by Marie Fahnert, a Chicago divorce lawyer. She provides a "Recipe for a Happy Divorce". While no one can guarantee the outcome of a divorce, or even how the process will work out, she presents some points that strike me as eminently do-able, even if they would take some effort. I believe that if people going through a divorce gave her approach a try, they would have a much better experience going through a divorce.

Here's what Marie had to say:

"Maintaining happiness (or some semblance of it) through your divorce might not be as difficult as you think. According to scientists, the following things make us happy:

1. Virtues: Our sense of wisdom, justice, compassion for others,
2. Gratitude: Appreciating what we have and expressing it to ourselves and others,
3. Savoring: Enjoying the moment and taking time to smell the roses,
4. Engagement: Being in our activities for the experience of it ("being in the zone"),
5. Living a meaningful life: Doing things for others and helping others.

"Studies of the Danish (the happiest people on earth) show that low expectations also make us happy. If our expectations are low, then we become happy when things go unexpectedly well. Also, Denmark's social safety net ensures people the basic necessities of life.

"How can you go through a "happy" divorce?

1. Remember that you are in control of the things that make you happy (see 1-5 above).
2. Approach the divorce—and the associated child-custody, division of property, maintenance issues—with realistic expectations.
3. Reach an agreement with your spouse and litigate as few things as possible. This will save you money and—like the Danish—you won't have to worry about the basic necessities of life."

This post is very timely because I always notice an increase in filings for divorce just after the first of the year. For various reasons, people put off filing until after the holidays, and then the divorce season gets into full swing. If you or someone you know is facing a divorce, please take the time to incorporate Marie's ideas into your life. Divorce is naturally stressful and unpleasant. If you can reduce that unpleasantness, your efforts will be well rewarded.

Thanksgiving Survival Guide for Divorced and Separated People

James J. Gross of the Maryland Divorce Legal Crier has another timely and very apt post on the holiday season. I always get a lot from his writing and I think many people experiencing family transitions will too. Although his post mentions Thanksgiving, his suggestions really can apply at any time during the year. I strongly agree with his approach of starting a new life and taking charge of the situation. Don't just sit back and feel bad. There are some fairly easy baby steps you can take to get your life back in order. Here's what James has to say:

"You probably didn’t expect to be divorced or separated on Thanksgiving at this time in your life. You probably feel like saying, 'Gee, thanks for another #@*!! personal growth experience.' Well, instead of staying at home feeling sorry for yourself and ordering pizza for Thanksgiving, here are some ideas to help you make it through the long holiday weekend.

"The first thing you have to do is get into action. Move your body and the head will follow. Go for a walk or a jog. Get to the gym and start losing that marriage fat. Start a dance class or take tennis lessons. Any activity is good that will get you moving. Don’t think about it. Just do it. Force yourself.

"The next thing to do is build a support network. This can be your friends, relatives, religious leader, neighbor or therapist. Join a support group. Participate in online support groups. It may seem to you that you are the only person in the world going through a divorce, but you are not alone.

"Now, get outside of your troubles. Find someone with problems bigger than yours and help them. Volunteer to feed the homeless for Thanksgiving. Visit a nursing home or a hospital.

"Invite some friends over for a potluck supper. Everything is attitude. Stay positive and strong and have a great Thanksgiving. Leave a comment if you have an activity or idea that helped you survive Thanksgiving when going through a divorce."

Whatever your situation, no matter where you are in transitioning your life, these are great ideas to help you clear your mind and re-energize your life. Try these out and see if your spirits improve. Send a comment and let us know about your successes.

Taking the High Road -- 9 Tips to Guide You

Divorce can be one of life's most stressful events, even in the best of circumstances. Some divorces are handled in a fairly civilized manner (Collaborative Law is a great way to accomplish that), but many divorces, unfortunately, are nasty, drawn-out and expensive procedures. If you or a loved one are about to go through a divorce, here are some tips to help minimize the difficulties of divorce.

1. Don't do things to just annoy your spouse. That's not to say you need to agree to everything your spouse wants. What this refers to is choosing not to antagonize your spouse by demanding the picture he or she has always loved, or by saying things you know will embarrass or humiliate your spouse, etc. Everyone knows buttons they can push -- Just Don't Do It! You may get some brief feeling of pleasure, but your spouse most likely will respond similarly, and maybe at a higher level. There's no real benefit to escalating the conflict.

2. Don't respond when your spouse does something just to annoy you. Take the advice that you may have given kids. Just ignore it and s/he will probably quit doing it. Going back and forth fighting with each other is childish and doesn't help you progress toward a final settlement. You may feel that you are entitled to respond in kind, but it really doesn't help you. To avoid the unpleasantness you sometimes (or often) experienced during your marriage, you have to be the adult and break the cycle of conflict.

3. Keep the children out of the middle. No messages sent. No using them as a pawn. Think long term here. The disputes are between two adult parents, not the kids, but the kids can be damaged by the adults' fighting. Do what you can to keep the kids out of the middle and you will have a happier family.

4. Don't waste money doing unnecessary things, fighting over insignificant things or arguing for things that you will clearly lose. Think about the costs of fighting. Financially, is it worthwhile to spend attorneys' time and your money fighting over inexpensive or easily replaced items? There are many issues in divorces and they aren't all created equal. Some are much more significant than the others. You should focus on the important ones.

5. Act mature even if no one else does. It's harder to fight with a person who doesn't fight back than with someone who seems to relish the contest of wills. Besides, your family, friends and children will recognize and reward your efforts in the long run. Be a model for adult behavior and help yourself in your recovery from the effects of divorce. Keep in mind higher goals for yourself and don't allow yourself to be sidetracked by someone trying to pick a fight. You will come out in better shape and save yourself time and money. You don't have to mimic or match someone else's bad behavior.

6. Don't just complain or whine, figure out constructive steps you can take to get a good result. Sometimes it is hard to figure out how to get out of the ditch. Problems can seem overwhelming and solutions unreachable. If that's the case, get help. Talk with a therapist, a life coach, a mentor, your attorney, a teacher or maybe some reasonable friends. (I added the "reasonable" qualification because sometimes friends aren't the most helpful.) Figure out some goals for yourself and take some action. Even a little step forward is progress. Doing nothing will get you going backwards, if you're not careful. Get some exercise and try to get healthier. That makes it easier to get started.

7. Pay attention to your lawyer more than you do your family and friends. Your friends can give you advice for free, but you get what you pay for. They don't really know all the facts of your case and don't know the law as well as your attorney does. They also don't have the working knowledge of the judge, the local court system and the other lawyer that an experienced attorney will have. Your friends may be well intentioned, but they often can really cause problems by providing bad advice and pushing the wrong actions. Attorneys aren't perfect, but they do generally have a better long-term perspective than friends do.

8. Figure out your goals -- what's really important to you -- and what you need to do to accomplish them. And then take action. When your life is in transition, it's a good idea to set a target, your goals, and plan how you can accomplish them. Think about it some and put your goals in writing. They don't have to be perfect -- you can revise them as you work on them. You may try one thing and then decide that something else is more appealing or important. What's important is to have a purpose and a plan, and then take action. Get help from trusted advisers, if you need to, but get started thinking about the future in specific, concrete ways. Stop just reacting to what's thrown at you. Start planning and initiating your own activities.

9. Don't limit yourself to just standardized solutions to problems. Open up your mind and be creative so that your needs can be met. Setting lofty goals is sometimes daunting, but use your imagination and come up with your own creative solutions. Don't limit yourself. Be open to trying out "ridiculous" ideas. Sometimes they work best and they can be fun.