Would a Therapist Help?

Disclaimer (naturally, I'm a lawyer):  This is not intended to be counseling or therapy for your situation. It is information for you to consider if you are facing a divorce.

The end of a marriage (or other relationship) can be one of the toughest events anyone has to go through. Dreams end. Plans change. You lose friends and connections.Feelings of failure often surface.  Doubts start to dominate. 

If can all be pretty overwhelming.

Most people initially believe they can handle the situation. They talk with friends and family. They self medicate. Many bury themselves in their work.  Some just try to ignore the situation.

For many, there's a better alternative:  counseling.  You don't have to be crazy to benefit from counseling. There are all types of counselors around.  You just need to find one with whom you are comfortable.

If any of the following is happening to you, it would be a good idea to meet with a counselor. This is not a complete list of all possible reasons to see a counselor. These are common situations that warrant attention. You may have other reasons that warrant counseling, so please be open to that.

1.  You may have strong anger toward your ex because of the breakup. The anger may start to affect your life. Your relationships with other people may suffer and your ability to work could be impaired. If your anger controls your life and behavior, you should seek relief through counseling.

2.  It may be that you can't stop thinking about the breakup. It dominates your thoughts. You may not be able to focus on anything else. That interferes with your life, work and friendships. You need to find peace and balance.

3.  You may start to feel physically ill.  Stress can cause headaches or stomach issues. You may start feeling constantly tired. Before your health starts to seriously suffer, please talk to a therapist.

4.  You may lose interest in your close friends and favorite activities. Not being able to enjoy life is a signal that you need help. If you are at this point, it's probably not something you can just work through yourself.

5.  If your family or friends start talking to you about their concerns for you,  it may be time to seek help. Family and friends can be more objective than we are sometimes. They may notice if:

• You seem depressed.
• Your drinking has increased.
• There's drug use or it has changed.
• You seem disconnected from your family or circle of friends.
• You show a lot of anger.
• They observe other behavioral changes.

If any of the above circumstances may be occurring, please meet with a counselor to see if there's some help you can get. It doesn't mean you are crazy or weak or a failure. It means that you're smart and you care. Please take care of yourself!

How to Prepare for a Peaceful Divorce

Often, people become hurt and angry when it becomes clear they are facing a divorce.  In most cases, the divorce should not be a surprise, but sometimes it is.  While some people can overcome their anger at the situation and their spouse, others can't.  Attorneys will tell the parties that if one person wants the divorce, it will happen eventually.  Many times angry people seem determined to make life difficult for themselves and their spouse as they go through a divorce.

On the other hand, there is a large number of people who have had time to process the emotional issues of their divorce and are more interested in having a peaceful divorce.

For the people wanting to have a peaceful and civilized divorce, here are some suggestions to follow:

1.  Try Collaborative Law. Ideally, if there are issues to be resolved, the parties should use Collaborative Law.  I have written many other posts in this blog and my Texas Collaborative Law blog about how Collaborative Law works and the advantages of it. If there's any way to get your spouse to agree to use Collaborative Law, you will both benefit.

2.  Think about, identify and define your goals.  Figure out what you would like to end up with after the divorce is finished. What would you want your life to look like? There's no automatic plan in the Texas Family Code for dividing property.  Even issues around the children have room for some variations. You will be much happier at the end if you are constantly thinking about your goals, needs and interests while you work on finding or creating solutions.

3.  Be realistic.  Don't ask for more than is even possible.  Consider that your spouse has needs also, even if you are angry at him or her.  If you are realistic and reasonable, you will have a greater chance of reaching agreement and avoiding an expensive battle in court.

4.  Get professional help.  It's no admission of weakness to talk with a counselor and get help with the stresses and emotions of a divorce.  It can make your life easier if you will get counseling and follow through with their advice.

5.  Pause and think before you speak.  You will have many occasions to speak to and about your spouse.  What you say can result in anger, hurt feelings and retaliation.  Holding your tongue and not responding to provocation can pay off in the end.  You don't need to escalate things.

6.  Avoid pushing your spouse's buttons.  You know what you can say and do that will trigger anger in your spouse.  You don't need to strike back like that.  Everything can escalate quickly and that's not good for either of you.

7.  Look for common ground.  It may seem hard, but you can find things you can agree on.  If you start with a few small agreements, it makes it easier to agree on bigger issues.  That's true for both sides.

8.  Gather and share information.  You can try to withhold information, but it will normally come out eventually.  Courts are geared up to enforce the production of information.  They aren't foolproof, but they can sure eat up a lot of cash as the attorneys fight over documents.  Save yourself time and money by being cooperative. It will also help generate goodwill.

9.  Think outside the box.  Don't limit yourself to mechanical, by-the-guidelines solutions.  Be open to completely new ways to work things out.  Get whatever help you need and be creative. A solution doesn't mean someone has to lose.

10. Leave your ego out of the picture.  You don't have to "win".  You can decide what would satisfy you and your needs.  There are always different ways of looking at things.  If your spouse feels like he/she "won" and you are satisfied with the result, that's great!

If you follow these tips, especially the one about choosing Collaborative Law, you will have a peaceful divorce. By the way, a peaceful divorce will be a lot cheaper than a hotly-contested one!

What If You Don't Really Want a Divorce?

Just like it takes two to tango, it takes two to have a marriage.  If one person wants out of a marriage, the other one can't really prevent a divorce.  Both parties have to be committed to keep a marriage together. 

It often happens that one spouse decides to seek a divorce before the other spouse is even aware of that possibility.  People frequently think through their marital problems and come to the conclusion or realization that a divorce is what they want, all without involving their spouse in the deliberations.

The result is that one party is often surprised and unprepared for a divorce.  That party also often wants to try to preserve the marriage.  If you find yourself in that position, here are some things to think about.

1.  Get some counseling with a good professional counselor.  Look within yourself and your marriage.  Do you really not want a divorce?  Is it possible, after the shock wears off, that you also might be better off ending the marriage?  Have you overlooked the signs of discontent or problems in the relationship?  How committed is your spouse to the divorce?  Try to review the situation as objectively as you can, but depend on help from a good counselor.  This is not something you should try to deal with on your own.

2.  Is your marriage past the point of no return?  If you want to save the marriage, don't burn the bridges by your reaction to your spouse. You need to figure out if there's still something valuable to salvage and build upon.  If you spouse is having an affair or living with someone, the odds are that you can't resurrect the marriage.  Be realistic.  If your spouse has hurt you financially, emotionally or physically, it may be best to cut the ties.

3.  If you want to preserve the marriage, here are some ideas. 

• Recognize that divorce is inevitable, if either one of you wants it.  You may be able to slow it down, but you really can't stop it, if your spouse is persistent.
• Don't burn your bridges.  Be nice to your spouse.  Being mean or destructive is not going to win back your spouse. You may have to work on the divorce while you are trying to get your spouse to reconsider.
• Be fair to yourself.  Don't rollover in a settlement.  Giving your spouse everything, or most things, will not win him or her back.  That strategy just doesn't work.  Don't give away the farm.  I have seen that happen and then the other spouse still goes through with the divorce.
• Make it clear that the door is open and you're willing to work on issues, if your spouse is.  It must be a two-way street.  Your spouse has grievances against you, at least some of which are legitimate, and you will also have grievances against your spouse, at least some of which are legitimate.  If your spouse takes the position that you must unilaterally make all the changes, that's not going to work and you won't like the outcome.

Reconciling is a huge up-hill battle.  Don't expect an easy or smooth trip.  Be prepared to invest a lot of emotion and effort and even then, it may not work. 

Beware:

• If your spouse says it's all your fault.
• If your spouse has acted dishonestly.  Or,
• If your spouse demands a deal very unfavorable to you, before he/she will talk with you.

If any of those situations occur, go see a divorce lawyer.

Dealing with Depression

I'm no therapist, but...

Unfortunately, depression seems to be becoming more common-place during holidays, especially when there's a divorce or other family law procedure pending or recently completed.

The fact that depression isn't discussed much in most divorce and family law cases doesn't mean that it's not a significant factor in many situations. When people think about, or discuss, how people act during a divorce, it's very common for one or both parties to be described as angry. Sometimes more colorful terms, often describing personality disorders, are tossed about. But aggressive actions by a party often mask an underlying depression.

Depression is an under-treated condition that is actually pretty common in divorces. At different times, almost everyone going through a divorce will experience feelings of depression. The good news is that it's not necessarily a permanent condition and there are some things you can do to minimize or avoid depression.

Health.com recently had an excellent article entitled "10 No Cost Strategies to Fight Depression". The article wasn't about divorce, but I thought the suggestions were excellent (but remember that I'm no therapist...) and they could very easily apply to the divorce context. Here's what they suggested:

• Don't blame yourself.
  
• Talk about it.
• Get regular exercise.
• Postpone major decisions.
• Take care of your health.
• Maintain a daily routine.
• Eat a healthy diet.
• Avoid drugs and alcohol.
• Try to sleep well.
• Don't overschedule.

I would add a corollary: If you think you may be depressed, please tell your lawyer so that s/he can either help you find a counselor or can work out a strategy to compensate for the issue.

The suggestions sound pretty simple, but it is sometimes hard to admit that you are depressed and it may be hard to put aside anger so that you can think rationally. If you sense you are experiencing some symptoms of depression, get help. Seeing a real therapist (not me), staying physically active and maintaining good health can get you started on the road to recovery. Depression usually won't go away by itself. If you avoid treating your depression, it can overcome you and cost you a lot in your divorce or other family law matter. When and if you are depressed, you probably aren't functioning very well and others, maybe including a judge, will notice, and that can affect the outcome of your case.

By the way, even if you aren't depressed and even if you aren't involved in a court case, following the 10 suggestions above will still benefit you by allowing you to be happier and healthier.

If you know of any other effective ways to deal with depression, please add a comment below.

If You Need to Wait Because You Can't Afford to Divorce...

There is a lot of discussion going on about whether the number of divorces being filed is decreasing. Many observers say that is true because of the economy, and it makes some sense. As bad as a family situation may be, many people begin to feel that they can't afford to get divorced.

• Some people are experiencing the mortgage crisis in their lives. Home values are plunging in many areas, although not as much in North Texas. Tarrant County home values, so far, are still doing pretty well and houses are selling, but who knows for how long. Even so, it is harder to get mortgages now.

• Many people are losing their jobs. Again, although Tarrant County seems to be stronger than many other areas, unemployment has greatly increased. Everyone is eventually affected by what is happening everywhere else.

• The stock market fall has badly damaged many retirement accounts and investment portfolios. The values are down by a third to a half, sometimes more.

• With prices rising, even for those people lucky enough to hang onto their jobs, it is hard to pay for food, fuel, utilities and other necessities.

• Insurance costs are going up and coverage is falling. Health care costs are increasing. Anyone with health issues now certainly faces greater difficulty in paying for necessary services.

Given those circumstances, it's no wonder that people may be deciding to wait on a divorce until they can better afford it.

For people choosing to wait, here are some other options:

1. Get a post-nuptial agreement. Many people are familiar to some extent with pre-nuptial agreements. I have written about them before. A post-nup is like a pre-nup, only later. Texas law allows a married couple to sign a partition agreement to divide their assets and liabilities. It can also provide for how present and future income will be managed. While it is not cheap, a post-nuptial partition agreement is probably much less expensive than a divorce and it will accomplish about the same thing as a divorce as far as property division. An attorney would be needed for each side. I would suggest using Collaborative Law to work out the agreement on the best possible terms for both parties, so you would be best served by contacting Collaborative lawyers.

2. Do financial planning. This is a less dramatic step than doing a partition agreement. The couple could meet with a financial planner to brainstorm ideas to find the best way to manage their finances during the downturn and into the future. A lot of the stress people are experiencing is from uncertainty about survival now and in the future. Getting qualified help to plan a strategy may resolve the concerns and leave the parties in a better frame of mind. A certified divorce financial planner or a regular financial planner can probably help you with this.

3. Take steps to enhance your marriage. Getting counseling is a common suggestion, but it makes sense. If you feel like you can't afford a divorce, but one or both of you is miserable in the relationship, then maybe you should try to make the relationship more bearable. Sometimes a marriage retreat can be helpful. There may be some groups around that you could join. Or, you could go to individual and couples counseling. Things around the house might really improve if you and your spouse follow through with counseling. Even if your marriage doesn't survive, at least the divorce later on might be more civilized. First, contact a marriage and family therapist and give it a try.

If you are haveing serious problems at home with your spouse, but you think you can't afford a divorce, you should consider the suggestions above.

Is There a Divorce Season?

Many commentators have discussed the perception that many couples take the plunge and file for divorce in January, right after the holidays. A study in England came to the conclusion that Jan.7 is "D-Day", the busiest single day for filing for divorce. A report in the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review in January 2008 reached a similar conclusion.

Actually, it appears that January is a popular month to file for several reasons. First, many families put off the separation until January so the holidays are not spoiled for their children. Second, some people get caught up in the holiday spirit in December and decide to give the marriage one more try. Third, for some, the stresses of the holidays push one or both parties over the edge. Fourth, some wait to file until January when they have enough money to pay an attorney after spending their extra cash on gifts in December. Fifth, some people get caught up in making New Year's resolutions and decide to make a fresh start without their spouse. And there are undoubtedly other reasons that lead to decisions to file in January.

Actually, January through early Spring is often a time that is popular for filing for divorce. Different people take different amounts of time to decide to file. Some people wait for their tax refunds or wait for their bonus from work to arrive before filing. Some wait for their spouse's bonus to arrive before filing.

There really is no time of the year for filing that is better or worse than any other. No matter when you file, there will likely be difficult times ahead. Planning ahead, working with an experienced lawyer who is compatible with you and staying focused on what's really important will help minimize the problems, but they can't all be avoided. Getting counseling before, during and after a divorce is a wise course of action.

My best advice: Be careful because we are still in the Divorce Season.

When the 7-Year Itch Comes Early

A recent study has shown that couples are at their greatest risk of divorce shortly before their fifth anniversary, instead of the seven-year mark traditionally assumed, according to a recent story in the Houston Chronicle. The study was conducted using records from the United States, Germany and Scandinavian countries. Interestingly, the statistics seem to indicate that marriages that last at least 10 years have a good chance of continuing without divorce.

Apparently, couples face a lot of stress around the five-year mark as they think about having children (often a topic of disagreement) or as they deal with radically changed relationships as new parents (combining stress and loss of sleep with the need to make major adjustments in their lives). Sometimes less-committed partners decide to bail out before life gets too complicated or expensive, which can be around the five-year mark. It can also be a time when unhappy couples decide they don't like their relationship and they have given it enough time to work out.

Sometimes, divorce may be the only or the best answer. In other cases, divorce may be avoided by couples working with marriage counselors early on as they start thinking things aren't going so well. Couples need to communicate well, actively listen to each other and be willing to change and compromise on issues. Those are things most people don't do well without skillful help. Couples usually need help in developing communication skills so that they can discuss sensitive topics without getting into major arguments. Those skills, which are utilized to negotiate in Collaborative divorces, include carefully choosing one's words, being respectful to the partner, agreeing not to rehash old arguments and avoiding blaming the other party, among other things.

Sometimes couples can avoid divorce by treating their underlying issues rather than just scratching their itch and causing further irritation. Early sincere efforts by both parties will provide the best chance of success for the marriage.