What If You Don't Really Want a Divorce?

Just like it takes two to tango, it takes two to have a marriage.  If one person wants out of a marriage, the other one can't really prevent a divorce.  Both parties have to be committed to keep a marriage together. 

It often happens that one spouse decides to seek a divorce before the other spouse is even aware of that possibility.  People frequently think through their marital problems and come to the conclusion or realization that a divorce is what they want, all without involving their spouse in the deliberations.

The result is that one party is often surprised and unprepared for a divorce.  That party also often wants to try to preserve the marriage.  If you find yourself in that position, here are some things to think about.

1.  Get some counseling with a good professional counselor.  Look within yourself and your marriage.  Do you really not want a divorce?  Is it possible, after the shock wears off, that you also might be better off ending the marriage?  Have you overlooked the signs of discontent or problems in the relationship?  How committed is your spouse to the divorce?  Try to review the situation as objectively as you can, but depend on help from a good counselor.  This is not something you should try to deal with on your own.

2.  Is your marriage past the point of no return?  If you want to save the marriage, don't burn the bridges by your reaction to your spouse. You need to figure out if there's still something valuable to salvage and build upon.  If you spouse is having an affair or living with someone, the odds are that you can't resurrect the marriage.  Be realistic.  If your spouse has hurt you financially, emotionally or physically, it may be best to cut the ties.

3.  If you want to preserve the marriage, here are some ideas. 

• Recognize that divorce is inevitable, if either one of you wants it.  You may be able to slow it down, but you really can't stop it, if your spouse is persistent.
• Don't burn your bridges.  Be nice to your spouse.  Being mean or destructive is not going to win back your spouse. You may have to work on the divorce while you are trying to get your spouse to reconsider.
• Be fair to yourself.  Don't rollover in a settlement.  Giving your spouse everything, or most things, will not win him or her back.  That strategy just doesn't work.  Don't give away the farm.  I have seen that happen and then the other spouse still goes through with the divorce.
• Make it clear that the door is open and you're willing to work on issues, if your spouse is.  It must be a two-way street.  Your spouse has grievances against you, at least some of which are legitimate, and you will also have grievances against your spouse, at least some of which are legitimate.  If your spouse takes the position that you must unilaterally make all the changes, that's not going to work and you won't like the outcome.

Reconciling is a huge up-hill battle.  Don't expect an easy or smooth trip.  Be prepared to invest a lot of emotion and effort and even then, it may not work. 

Beware:

• If your spouse says it's all your fault.
• If your spouse has acted dishonestly.  Or,
• If your spouse demands a deal very unfavorable to you, before he/she will talk with you.

If any of those situations occur, go see a divorce lawyer.

Marriage Advice from a Divorce Lawyer?

One of my favorite blogs is the Alabama Family Law Blog, written by Michael Sherman. In a recent post, he commented on the reasons for divorce that he had observed in some of his cases. Not too surprisingly, I have seen similar situations. Each case is different, but most divorces will involve one of the following elements:

"Seems ironic that a divorce lawyer might offer marriage advice. When the Minister of Education at my church asked me to teach Sunday School to the Newlyweds, I gave him a hard time about bringing in a divorce lawyer to teach to these young married couples. But, I really don’t know someone more qualified to tell you what to do and not do in your marriage than a divorce lawyer. In my divorce practice in Mobile and Baldwin County, I have seen all the problems that tend to contribute to the breakdown of a marriage. Maybe you know a young (or not so young couple) that could benefit from this information.

"Here, in my experience, are the top five problems that contribute to divorce:

"1. Money – Whether it is differences in values about money, issues about control of the money or financial pressures that put a strain on the relationship, money issues often lead to divorce. Best to get on the same page early, be fair about how the money is controlled, and attempt to understand and accommodate your spouse’s views on money.

"2. Communication – I will often have a client of mine that is going through divorce tell me that they love their spouse, they are just no longer in love with them. I’m not sure exactly what that means. But, typically it is a sign that the couple quit having meaningful communication with one another some time ago. Communicate deeply and often with your spouse.

"3. Lack of Commitment – I don’t intend to get on my soapbox about this issue, but it is hard to dispute that our nation no longer has the same view of marriage we once did. Sometimes a divorce is the only option, but quite frequently (particularly with younger couples, it seems) I will see one or the other spouse who really cannot express a good reason why they want the divorce. One divorce lawyer I know comments on how the threshold on what it takes to get someone to pull the trigger on divorce has decreased dramatically in the past twenty years. Perhaps it has something about how self absorbed and tied to instant gratification we have become. It will keep divorce lawyers in business, but it is sad for us as a nation.

"4. Physical Addictions – Thankfully they occur in the minority of cases that I see. But, when they do, they are quite tragic. Whether it is alcohol, illegal drugs or prescription drugs, the effects of addiction can obviously be devastating. The best advice is to intervene early and get professional help.

"5. Sex – Of course, sexual problems frequently lead to divorce as well. But, their effect is probably overestimated. Generally speaking infidelity is a sign of other problems in the marriage, not the original problem. Increasingly, however, I am seeing the internet playing a role in these cases. Whether it is pornographic websites or the ability to meet others anonymously and easily online, the internet provides new snares for a relationship that did not previously exist.

"Despite the fact that I help my clients navigate their way through divorce, I do not encourage divorce. Hopefully this advice will help someone avoid it all together."

In addition to Michael's list, I would add one more broad factor in the breakup of marriages -- mental or emotional problems by one or both of the parties. For example,

• Sometimes depression (untreated) can destroy a marriage.
• Other times, one of the parties is a very controlling person who ends up smothering the spouse who leaves the marriage to gain his/her freedom and escape an abusive environment.
• In some cases, there is a true personality disorder or mental illness. Untreated, that can also destroy a marriage.

My advice: get professional help and follow through with treatment and medication. That can be very effective, but it's often pretty hard to get our spouse to acknowledge the need for psychiatric help, much less to comply with the treatment plan.

In any event, all of the above problems warrant the assistance of trained professionals. Trying to work out the problem on your own is not likely to be effective. The first step is to ask for help. The key here, as in many things in life, is the follow-through. Without it, there will be no solution until you see a divorce lawyer.

Valentine's Day: How to Stay Happily Married

"And Now for Something Completely Different" -- to borrow a phrase from Monty Python.

Your read the title right! This is an odd post for a blog with "Divorce" in the name. Today, just in time for Valentine's Day, we are providing something to help you stay happily married, if that is your goal. I'm betting that a number of readers will be interested in this topic. To listen to a podcast or read some helpful tips, click here.

I have run across a web site, http://stayhappilymarried.com/, which is an excellent resource for people wanting to work to improve and preserve their marriage. The web site is managed by the Rosen Law Firm in North Carolina. Their main web site deals with Family Law in the context of North Carolina law, but most of what you find on the web site can benefit people anywhere.

The topic of this post may seem out of place in a blog about divorce. Actually, I know that a variety of people read this blog and come from many different situations. Probably most people who find this blog are either already going through a divorce or have decided to get a divorce.

But there may be a substantial number who are interested in preserving their marriage. Things may have not been working out well in the marriage and their spouse may have filed for divorce or the two parties may have been discussing divorce or maybe just one of the parties is considering a divorce, but it's not a foregone conclusion.

For those people, and for most people already in the process of getting divorced, it is common for one or both parties to have second thoughts, doubts about whether they should be following through with a divorce. Other people may be looking around while they are trying marriage counseling as a last-ditch effort to save the marriage. Whatever your situation, listen to the podcast and read some of the articles. It won't hurt to try out some of their suggestions.

Who knows, maybe you'll learn something that will help improve your marriage.