Why is it Taking so Long?

There's more to a divorce than the start and finish.

In many divorces, one party is much readier to finish the process than the spouse is.  Usually, that party has been thinking about and planning for the divorce quietly for a long time. The ready party often becomes very anxious to get through the process and start a new single life.

Unfortunately for that person, the spouse can really slow down the process by requesting counseling, doing extensive discovery, having multiple hearings and by refusing to agree on things.  The party in a hurry gets frustrated by how slow the process moves and that's understandable, but basically unavoidable.

Aside from the actions a spouse may take to intentionally slow down the process, there are a number of requirements or actions that typically put the brakes on any attempt to speed through a divorce. Here are some to keep in mind.

1.  Time must pass.  There is a 60-day waiting period in Texas and some sort of waiting period in most states. The petition for divorce must be on file with the court for at least two months before a divorce can be granted.  In addition, if you want to finish right after the 60 days is up, you need to have an agreement with your spouse.  That requires a spouse who is emotionally and financially ready to finalize the divorce, and that doesn't always happen right away.

2. Temporary arrangements are set up.  In most cases, temporary orders are set up by agreement or by going to court.  Experienced attorneys can pretty well figure out what you can get in a given court -- most judges have some standard rules and provisions.  One way or another, temporary orders usually are established for the benefit and protection of both parties.

3. Transitions are planned.  This may take place with the temporary orders, but there are a number of other transitional issues to cover.  The parties need to understand that their lives are changing and one or both will need financial help and time to set up separate households, possibly make career changes and deal with how to share their children.  One may have to go back to school.  Sometimes it's hard to find a job. Courts usually try to provide some help to the disadvantaged party on a temporary basis.

4. Information must be gathered.  This can be done formally through written discovery and depositions, or informally by requesting and receiving an documents that either party wants to see.  It's really helpful to prepare a spreadsheet with the assets and liabilities.  It's also pretty standard to get an Inventory and Appraisement from each party.  It's a formal, sworn statement listing the assets and liabilities in great detail.  An Inventory gets both parties to think carefully about what they have and may reduce the temptation to hide assets.

5.  Creating a strategy.  You need to come up with a strategy for a satisfactory conclusion.  Figure out what you want to end up with and you should try to imagine what your spouse will likely want.  Your strategy should allow both your and your spouse's needs to be met, if you want to settle. That sometimes takes a lot of creativity and some time.

6. Planning to settle.  Almost every divorce settles, so you need to figure out how and when that can happen. Sometimes, settlements come from informal negotiations over time.  That's usually when both parties are fairly rational and both are motivated to get the divorce over with. In more difficult cases, mediation is used and that is a very successful process.  If agreement can't be reached informally or at mediation, then the case is set for court.  Even then, many cases will settle at the courthouse, either just before trial or during trial.  Very few cases go all the way through trial. Of course, your case could be the rare one!

7.  Allow time for paperwork.  Unfortunately, just reaching an agreement is not enough.  After that necessary step, there's still a lot to be done.  A decree of divorce must be prepared and sometimes negotiated.  In some cases, we use an additional agreement incident to divorce to include provisions we don't want in the public record.When there's a retirement account to be divided, we prepare a qualified domestic relations order (QDRO).,  There are deeds, powers of attorney and various other documents to be prepared as well.  Many times it takes 3-4 weeks to get the paperwork drafted, negotiated and signed, and it can take longer if there are serious disagreements.

Every divorce is different.  You may have a friend or a friend of a friend who got a quick divorce in a couple of months, but don't assume that yours will go as smoothly.  That is a very rare exception. Talk to your lawyer at the outset about your hopes and expectations.  Your lawyer can help you get a fairly realistic idea of what your case might entail, but initial thoughts are subject to revision several times as you go through a divorce.  As things change, don't be surprised if you timeline changes.

Please try to be patient.

The Top 5 Fears about Collaborative Law*

*and why you shouldn't worry!

Fears often have a major impact on how people make decisions. In an ideal world, decisions would follow a careful analysis of a situation and would include a consideration of the possible costs and benefits of a course of action. Unfortunately, such analysis takes time and effort, and many people succumb to the easier and quicker solution of just reacting to fears and assumptions that are readily available to justify bad choices. Here are some of the fears that must be dealt with when people consider using Collaborative Law to resolve disputes. These are the top 5 fears I have heard about over the past eight years. Other attorneys may have slightly different lists.

1. The process won't work and I will have to hire another attorney, and that's expensive. To me, that concern is the best incentive for the Collaborative Law process to work. Once in the Collaborative process, attorneys may not go to court on the case, except to prove up an agreement. In litigated cases, there's almost always negotiations and most cases settle at some point, but there's always the threat to take the other party to court if he or she doesn't agree to do what the spouse wants done. There is often a power imbalance in negotiations in litigation cases, and the threat to go to court often forces the other side to do something he or she might not want to do. Since both parties would have to hire new attorneys to go to court, the threat usually becomes a non-factor. Without the threat to go to court, the parties are forced to stay in the process and rely on creativity rather than force. The result is better agreements that both parties can feel good about.

2. The other party will hide information. Actually Collaborative Law, using a neutral financial professsional (FP) and a neutral mental health professional (MHP), provides better oversight than most litigation. The parties start out promising to honestly and voluntarily share information. In contrast to litigation, both attorneys assume an obligation to assure that all relevant information is provided to each side. The financial expert reviews the records, can seek additional records or explanations and analyzes the information received. The analysis is shared with both sides and options are generated together. The neutral MHP also helps assure that all relevant facts are provided. With two attorneys and two other neutral experts involved, it would be hard to hide information during the process. Of course, no system is perfect and experienced family law attorneys are well aware of the extent and nature of deception which is often utilized in traditional litigation. At worst, there is no reason to believe that Collaborative Law would make it easier to hide information than litigation does. In reality, Collaborative Law provides many more safeguards.

3. The process will be too slow. First of all, a contested litigated divorce will often take a year or more (I have had some bad ones last 3-5 years). A Collaborative case will only move along as fast as its slowest party allows it to move, but Collaborative cases usually will resolve much more quickly than a litigated case, unless the parties want to do otherwise. I have had some cases slow down and last a year or more, but that was what the parties wanted to do. A couple of times, we took off for two or three months because there was about to be a wedding in the family and they didn't want the stress of the divorce to detract from the wedding. We have also slowed down a divorce because of housing needs or employment situations. On the other hand, in some cases, we are able to wrap them up right after the 60-day waiting period (for all divorces) is up.

4. Collaborative Law is too expensive. When we start talking about bringing in a financial expert and mental health expert, sometimes clients get nervous about the cost. That would be understandable if we planned to have both experts attend all meetings with both attorneys and the parties. In reality, there are few meetings when everyone is present. While we usually have the MHP attend the joint meetings with the attorneys and parties, the FP normally works directly with the parties in gathering information, discussing the needs and abilities of the parties and preparing budgets. The financial expert will also do some preparation alone. There will usually be one or more meetings with everyone present, but they are relatively streamlined because of the preparation done by the FP. In addition, we have found that the MHP is able to keep the joint meetings on track and we actually work more efficiently and effectively in the meetings. Also, we often have the mental health professional (or sometimes a child specialist) work separately with the parties to resolve any parenting issues. The result is an efficient process that uses the skills of neutral experts and actually involves somewhat less attorney time than a traditional litigated divorce.

5. The other party won't cooperate. While that can happen (it often happens in litigation), it rarely happens in Collaborative Law cases. Both attorneys screen their clients to make sure the clients understand their obligations under the Participation Agreement before it's signed. When a mental health professional is used, she or he can be helpful in avoiding or ending such lack of cooperation. The MHP's role is not to provide therapy, but she or he will work with the parties so that they are comfortable and feel safe in the process. Both parties face the same incentive to stay in the process and they can only do that by cooperating. Lack of cooperation has rarely been an issue in the Collaborative cases I have handled.

If you are considering whether to utilize Collaborative Law to help resolve a family law issue, please discuss your concerns with a qualified attorney who has been trained in Collaborative Law. The process will not work in every case, but a trained attorney with experience in Collaborative Law can help you decide if it would benefit you.

You Gotta Ask Yourself, "Do I Feel Lucky Today?"

Clint Eastwood, in his Dirty Harry movie, had the famous line about whether you feel lucky, ..."you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? " Luck is, of course, relative. What's lucky for you may have a bad effect for someone else. Many people believe that you make your own luck and that luck is a result of preparation and effort. It's also interesting how some people have the attitude that all they have is bad luck, while others expect to have good luck. The reality probably matches the expectation.

Today's date, besides being an interesting combination of numbers, 08-08-08, is considered a very lucky day in China. Is it an accident that the Olympics begins on a lucky day or was the Chinese Olympic Committee making their own luck? I guess we'll know the answer in about two weeks.

Evidently, many Chinese believe that they can also make their lives luckier by getting married on August 8, 2008. There was a extraordinary number of marriage ceremonies scheduled for today. Maybe we should have tried that in the U.S.

Actually, there are probably a lot of things that can be done to improve your chances of success in marriage. Good communication, respect and maturity go a long way to establishing and maintaining a good marital relationship. Willingness to work hard to maintain the relationship is essential.

Many things can come into the relationship to cause problems, though, so the parties must be willing to work out solutions. Sometimes issues come up which can't be satisfactorily resolved. In those cases, the best option may be divorce, but it should not be a quick decision to leave a marriage. Aside from the good aspects of marriage that are lost, the costs of divorce can be enormous emotionally, financially and physically.

It's fine to pick a "lucky day" to get married, but it takes more than luck to stay married. Any decision to end a marriage should be made carefully and after a great deal of consideration, and it's not unusual to have second thoughts. Unless there is an emergency or safety issue, I recommend that you take time to consider your options and think about whether there are other possibilities for saving the marriage.

To a large extent, I agree that you make your own luck and you can make or break your own marriage. If you work continuously to preserve and improve your marriage, you will have a better chance of success. Of course, it take two to make a marriage, so if your spouse isn't interested in staying married, you need to change course and get ready to move on.

Divorce is Bad for the Environment

A recent story in the Los Angeles Times reported on a study done by Jianguo Liu, an ecologist at the Michigan State University, on the effects of divorce on the environment. He noted that people in divorced households spent an average of 46% more on electric power and 56% more on water. Although he made some valid points about divorce leading to more power consumption, pollution and waste of resources, I doubt anyone will put off getting divorced in order to save the environment.

Professor Liu mentioned some potential solutions to the problems, including having roommates, remarrying, living in a commune or becoming a polygamist. I guess having many others living in the same household would be more energy efficient, but it doesn't seem likely that some of those options will be very popular.

Actually, the story included some good advice. Divorce is a good time to scale down your living arrangements. Most people have too much stuff anyway. When they get divorced, it provides a great opportunity to live a simpler life with less stuff and a smaller residence. Maybe it could be a time to change lifestyles and be more energy conscious. It could be the beginning of a more environmentally friendly lifestyle, in which case everyone will come out ahead.

Thanks to the Rosen Law Firm and their blog, KraemerVs for their post on the article. They have an excellent blog and web site about North Carolina family law.

Where to Turn for Help After It’s Over

Once a divorce or other family law matter is completed, the parties usually begin to feel a sense of relief. Sometimes the case has been bitter and hard-fought, and other times the case may have been rather amicable or even tedious, but the case is rarely completely over. There always seem to be loose ends, unanticipated wrinkles and nagging questions.

To address the situation, several things things can be done to assist people in their transition to living under new arrangements.

1. You can get professional, skilled help for big and small problems. Your attorney can probably recommend other appropriate professionals to assist you to work with the following professionals:

• Personal counselors: They can help you through the grieving process or help you or your children deal with your new situation.

• Life coaches: They are not therapists, but they help people determine what they want to accomplish and then the best way to accomplish it.

• Financial planners: There are different types of financial planners. You should look for someone appropriate for your financial needs and abilities. Some people have to take on management responsibility that they don’t know about and haven’t dealt with before. It helps to have someone on your side in determining how to manage your income, assets and liabilities. Many people appreciate having an expert help them plan for retirement.

• Parenting programs: Many free or low cost classes on parenting and co-parenting are. Experienced specialists in parenting issues are also available to meet and work with one parent or both parents. It is so important to "get it right" about the kids, that each parent should put in extra time and effort now to be able to receive the benefit of great relationships later, and to make sure your kids get their best possible start in life.

• Access Facilitation: The Tarrant County Domestic Relations Office offers free Access Facilitation by experienced and trained social workers who help the parties try to resolve parenting conflicts sensibly. It is a free service and it usually is successful, although it may take several sessions.

• Employment options: If needed, there are specialists who help people decide on career options and transition into or out of the work force.

• CPA: There are many CPAs who can help with your financial and tax issues.

• Free seminars and programs: Periodically, there are free programs of many types for clients and your attorney can pass along that information to people who are interested or you can watch for news stories, newspaper articles, newsletters or blogs on your own.

2. Your attorney can probably recommend some books and web sites to look at on a variety of topics relating to various aspects of post-court life.

3. Many attorneys can act as a legal clearinghouse in non-family law matters to help you find excellent attorneys for your needs in your local area, and to some extent all around Texas and even in other states.

4. An after-care program for you, if offered by your attorney once your legal matter is concluded, can be invaluable. Having a consultation within 60 days of the date the final court order is signed could provide an opportunity to:

• Answer your questions.
• Explain the language in the order
• Explain the procedures in the order
• Discuss your options
• Recommend any other professionals who should be brought in

Many people have a difficult time after the final court order is signed. Their lives don’t just magically fall back into place. There are a number of things set out above that they can do to get appropriate help as soon as they need it, or even in advance of their need. The transition time after the final order should not be overlooked.