Preparing for the Holidays with the Kids

In Texas, most divorce court orders have very detailed and explicit plans for how holiday time with the children is divided between the parents. The standard language has been developed over time and is based on common problems and the best solutions that had been developed over the years.

Some of the provisions are a little unwieldy -- not surprising since they came out of the legal system. Still, they provide a good standard for people to consider. Keep in mind that almost every possession schedule order says that the parties can follow any plan they come up with, as long as they agree. The formal order is the backup in case they are not in agreement.

What should you do if you anticipate a possible issue?

1.  You need to start now. The holidays are approaching. In November, we have anywhere from 2 or 3 days off to 10 days off from school and sometimes work. The standard order allows each parent to have Thanksgiving every other other year. In December, in addition to various family gatherings, we have an extended time off from school that extends into January.  Families have different traditions and preferences regarding the holidays and usually can make accommodations that work for both parents. Usually the December vacation time is split approximately in half.

2.  Situations change.  As time passes, circumstances change. There are new marriages, moves, new jobs, new kids and kids may age out -- moving out for college or work or relationships. These changes, or even new events, create a need to sometimes modify what has worked in the past.  The first of November is a great time to look ahead and do some planning if you see the possible need to adjust the possession times for the holidays.

3.  Time to consult.  This is a good time to meet with your attorney if you anticipate you or your ex needing to make some changes in the holiday schedules.  You can get an interpretation of the current order and plan how to approach your ex or how to respond if your ex approaches you.  It is so much better to deal with these issues early in November than to wait until Thanksgiving week or the week the kids get out of school in December.

Holidays are emotional times. Everyone, especially including the kids, will benefit by the parents planning ahead and working together to make any necessary adjustments.

Getting Through the Holidays -- Post Divorce

If your divorce is final and you are now facing the major holiday season, there are lots of adjustments for you to make.  If you have children, you have to work with them to both keep some of the family traditions and create some new ones.  Even if it has been several years since the divorce was finalized, holidays can still be a difficult time.

With that in mind, here are some tips on how to deal with the holidays.

1.  Start by checking the court order on scheduling.  Is it your year for Thanksgiving?  How is the time allocated when the kids are out of school?  You probably don't have to stick with the official schedule if you and your ex both agree on something else, but it's a good starting point.

2.  Go ahead and send any notices that are required.  Some orders provide that one parent must notify the other parent by a certain date if they are going to have the children or if they are going out of town or perhaps for some other reason.  It doesn't hurt to send a notice early and that could give early warning which might help avoid conflicts later.

3.  Make reservations, if you are traveling.  With the way hotels and airlines book up early, it's a good idea to start as soon as you can. You can get a better deal, plus it's a good way to reinforce with your ex that the children will be with you at certain times. It will also be less stressful for you if you have reservations worked out early.

4.  Be prepared for compromises and last-minute complications.  It's not always the fault of your ex.  Sometimes, kids forget to tell their parents about plans, projects or messages until the last minute.  Don't get angry if something comes up.  Be willing to talk things through and find a solution that works for the kids, and hopefully, both parents.  Consider meeting with a counselor, if there's time.

5.  Be flexible.  Remember that kids are young for just a limited time.  Both parents should work together to share that time and make things right for the kids.  There are always alternatives that can be found.  If you find out about conflicting plans or other problems, don't blow up.  If you find out early enough, you can work with a counselor, attorney or mediator.  If it's a last-minute issue, and you can't figure out a solution, call an experienced attorney who can brainstorm with you and maybe tell you what others have done in similar situations,  Be open to compromise.

The keys to having pleasant holidays include planning ahead, working through conflicts and being flexible.  Start early in dealing with how you will be sharing time with the children.

April 1st -- Summer Possession Notice Deadline -- No Fooling!

A Reminder and Word of Warning:

In Texas, the standard possession schedule has a provision that the parent who is given the right to have the children for up to 30 days in the summer must notify the other parent of the dates when he or she wants the children.  That notice needs to be sent by April 1 each year.

If the parent with the possession schedule does not send out the notice by April 1, the standard provision then says that the parent's time is automatically the month of July, July 1-31.

If you don't want your time in July, you better send out your notice by April 1 or you better be able to negotiate a trade of time with the other parent.  Hopefully, you and your ex have a decent relationship and can talk.  If not, you need to adjust your plans.

Also Note -- your possession schedule order may not be standard. 

Always look at your order to determine your rights and obligations, and deadlines.

Having Happy Holidays!

December can be one of the best times of the year or one of the worst. With the holiday season comes  opportunities for families to get together and spend extra time together.  When families are split up, the time has to be divided. Often one parent feels short-changed, and sometimes events don't fit neatly into court-ordered possession schedules. Usually, however, with the passage of time parents can get into a rhythm of sharing time with the kids and everyone can operate in that system.

Here are some suggestions to help avoid major child-related problems around the holidays.

1.  Avoid possession fights. Do what you can to avoid court fights.

• Review your court orders early.  If there are no orders in place, you need to make plans, as does the other parent.
• Talk well in advance if you need a change. If there are court orders, you can still work out something different if both sides agree.  If there aren't court orders, you both need to  plan ahead.
• Be willing to compromise.  You don't have all the power. Neither does the other parent.
• Keep it away from the kids. Even if you don't like what your ex does, don't discuss it with the kids.
• Model good behavior.  Bad behavior will make it harder to get an agreement with your ex.  Good behavior shows your kids how adults can deal with adversity and still be friendly.

2.  Don't make court your first option.  Courts are crowded and you may have trouble getting in during December.  It's also expensive to go to court.  Don't count on getting the other side to pay your fees. If you go to court, you lose control over the outcome.  You're generally better off to work things out somehow.

3.  Consider other options.

• Work with a therapist.  More and more, we refer clients to a neutral therapist who helps them come to a reasonably quick, less expensive agreement that both sides can feel good about. Working with a therapist who is experienced with these type issues is a great solution and you may be able to deal with some longer term issues as well.
• Use a mediator.  Even without attorneys, for the limited issues of some holiday time-sharing, mediation can be a quick, relatively economical alternative.
• Have attorneys negotiate.  This can be a little expensive, but experienced attorneys can come up with compromises that work and that are similar to what a judge might order. If you meet with an attorney who just recommends filing and going to court, please get a second opinion. You are usually better served by negotiating.

Good luck in working with difficult issues.  Happy Holidays!

It's Not Too Early to Plan for the Holidays!

Even though Thanksgiving and the holiday season seem a long ways off, you could make things a lot easier for yourself and your kids if you start thinking and planning for the end of the year now.  If there's any travel involved, you need to be getting tickets or arranging time off or taking care of various other details.  You will need to coordinate with your ex and it should be easier to do it now without the time pressure of being nearer to the holidays. It's also easier if your ex hasn't put his/her plans in stone yet.  You  would also have time to get reduced fares and to grab the time off before others at work claim it.

Here are some things to think about:

1.  Look at the schedule. Make sure you even need to have a discussion, before you get started.   In Texas, we have a standard possession schedule that covers the holidays.  Start off by looking at the specific language of your court order.  You and your ex can agree to change the schedule, but neither can force the other to do so.  It's better to find out now if you or your ex needs a change.  There's still time to get things done.

2.  Talk or email or text (politely) with your ex.  Don't demand or threaten.  If you don't need a favor now, you will need one later.  Don't burn your bridges by being unreasonable.

3.  Be clear and specific with what you need.  Beating around the bush wastes everyone's time.  What you want to do may not be too difficult, especially if your ex needs you to change something.  Spell out exactly what change you need.  Be clear so you can have a clear discussion and understanding.

4.  Listen to the other side.  Your ex may not be able to agree or may not be able to do all that you request.  If that is the response, you might discuss other options.  Always have a Plan B.  Your ex may have good reasons for not agreeing to what you request, but maybe you can still come to some agreement.

5.  Follow the Golden Rule.  Be willing to compromise.  You may need a big favor next year.  Until the last child is out and married, and maybe even after that, you need to keep a decent relationship with your ex.  You will be dealing with your kids for a long time, so don't be enemies with your ex.

So, be nice, be prepared and start early!

Planning Ahead for the Holidays

If you look at a calendar, it's only early October, but if you look in a lot of stores, they are running out of Halloween decorations and have had some Christmas stuff out for quite a while. Stores seem to run on a faster calendar than most of us use.

Nevertheless, this is really a good time to look ahead to the holidays coming up in November and December. While we only recently had our last 100 degree day here in North Texas, it won't be long before the weather cools and family holiday disputes heat up. Fortunately, there are some things you can do to minimize holiday stress in divorced or divorcing families. Here are my suggestions:

1. Start by looking at the court order or agreement. While there are some standardized possession schedules we use in Texas, they are often customized, particularly in temporary orders and in Collaborative Law agreements. Often, the schedules change every other year, so you should begin by confirming which schedule applies this year.

2. Give any notices now that are required. Sure, it's early, but it will help you and other family members to start working on scheduling. There's no harm in giving proper notices 30 or 60 days ahead. It will allow adjustments or corrections, if they are needed.

3. Start making travel plans. We all know that buying tickets early usually gets the best prices. Actually, it might have been better to get your November-December tickets back in August or September. Don't wait any longer for the best deals!

4. Start negotiating early if you need to change the schedule or any details. That allows time for the other side to think about your request and time to make changes before their plans are set in stone. Plus, sometimes it takes a while to negotiate, and this gives you the time you may need.

5. Be willing to adjust your plans around the schedule and needs of the kids and the other parent. Being able to compromise will normally result in a bigger pay-back later. Being unwilling to compromise may result in a big pay-back later of a different kind.

6. Meet with your lawyer early for answers and preparation, if necessary. I can assure you that your lawyer will appreciate an early start before the courts get clogged up with last-minute custody and visitation fights. Going to court early, before the holiday season, will give you a better chance of being heard by a judge who has time to listen to you. Sometimes the courts shut down near the holidays and sometimes they get overwhelmed by hearings. If you have something important to be decided, you want the judge to have the time to give you a good hearing.

7. Whatever schedule you end up following, be sure the kids know about it well in advance. It can be fun just telling the kids about what they will be doing. You can set the tone with positive expectations for the kids by being encouraging no matter whether the kids are with you or the other parent. On the other hand, if the kids are facing doing something that is not their favorite, you can help them get over it so it doesn't ruin the holiday. Be careful how and what you tell the children. Take the high road and help them see the positive side.

Take a little time now to review your situation and make plans for the holidays. That will allow you to have a much more enjoyable and less stressful holiday season!

Time to Plan Your Summer Visitation Schedule

This is a brief Public Service Announcement.

Attention all Texans with a Texas standard visitation schedule! If you read your summer schedule section, you will probably see that you have to notify the other parent of your desired summer possession schedule by April 1 or April 15, depending on whether you have the right to choose the primary residence of the child. If you don't have primary custody/possession of the child, you probably are required to notify the other parent by April 1. If you don't do so, you will probably have have the child for the month of July.

Please read the language of your court order very carefully. Sometimes the language is customized and the dates and other details may be different from the standard provisions.

If you have a standard Texas visitation schedule, and if you have primary custody of your child, you probably have until April 15 to designate your summer possession times.

Please read the language of your court order very carefully. Sometimes the language is customized and the dates and other details may be different from the standard provisions.

There are two lessons to be remembered here: (1) Dates and deadlines in court orders are important and may limit your choices, so you should plan ahead. You can act before the deadlines. (2) It is important to read the exact language of your court order and follow the directions. Don't guess or make assumptions about what your order says. Read it and then act.

The Good News:

Of course, you and the other parent can agree on whatever time-sharing arrangement for the summer that you want. Be creative and you can figure out how both parents can enjoy the summer with your child. How ever you do it, have a great summer vacation with your child!

Tips for Avoiding Holiday Explosions

Traditionally, holidays present an opportunity for family fun and relaxation or for conflict. Families tend to create their own hierarchy of preferred holidays. Work and vacation schedules have a major influence on whether certain holidays are important or not for a family. Once there is a divorce or a court order to manage child possession schedules, conflicts sometimes surface.

Court orders tend to create some arbitrary divisions of holidays, and sometimes that's the best approach because the parties just will not agree on anything. In a more mature environment, however, there are ways to minimize the conflict. With the 4th of July approaching, here's some tips to keep in mind to help maintain a peaceful holiday.

• Plan ahead. If you can work out plans well in advance, that will reduce everyone's stress. Waiting until the last minute probably means that plans have already be made by everyone and that someone will be unhappy about changing. While you may not be able to plan ahead all the time, it's always a good idea to start weeks or months ahead of the holiday. It will be easier to coordinate schedules and activities and to come up with alternatives.

• Keep things in perspective. Remember that holidays come around every year and that it's often easy to have family events on nearby dates, if the holiday "belongs" to someone else this year.

• Communicate. There are often ways to work things out if everyone can just talk directly -- and nicely. Don't make assumptions about what other people are doing or about their motivations. Sometimes people get all upset thinking about something when the issues could be worked out by a discussion.

• Be respectful. No matter who has primary custody or what label is attached to a party, think about how you would like to be approached. Making demands or criticizing the other parent (or their family) or whining are not winning strategies. If you want a favor, be humble.

• Think about the kids. This shouldn't be a contest of wills between two adults. It shouldn't be a question of who has the superior "ownership" of a time period. Hopefully, any special requests made will really be a benefit for the children. If the parents will analyze the situation in light of the children's best interests, many fights can be avoided.

Reasonable parents should be able to work out conflicting holiday schedules if they approach the other parent as they would want to be approached. Keeping these suggestions in mind should give parties a good chance of resolving scheduling issues before the fireworks really begin!

7 Ways to Wreck Your Kids' Holidays

Even with the bad economy, there's plenty to celebrate and enjoy this time of the year. But sometimes people are just miserable because of holiday stress and family issues. If you have children, this can be a great time of the year. If you have children and are divorced, this might still be a great time or it can be really difficult.

While you can (if you take responsibility and try) control your own feelings and attitudes, many people don't do it and let themselves get swept up in various holiday dramas. We can't control what an ex-spouse feels, says or does, and that sometimes leads to problems at this time of the year. On top of that, there's a natural feeling of disappointment when you can't be with your kids at certain times during the holidays.

Parents have a variety of attitudes about sharing or not sharing their kids, particularly around holidays. Their attitudes range from very considerate to insensitive to indifferent to the concerns of others, and even to being antagonistic toward others. Some people seem to thrive on conflict. Other people want to avoid conflict. If you're one of those who wants to avoid wrecking the holiday season, here are some quick tips on what you should avoid so you don't ruin it for yourself, your kids and other family members and friends.

What Not to Do:

• Make last-minute changes in your plans. You can create more havoc and hard feelings if you try to change the arrangements after everyone else has their plans made and travel schedule booked. Ignoring the other parent's plans will certainly create a great opportunity for conflicting plans. Trying to be cooperative well in advance of the holidays is the best way to deal with planning.
  

• Be inflexible if the other parent requests a change in the schedule. Things do come up that require new plans. Some parents insist on following the court's order without variation, when the other parent is asking for a favor. Such parents later inevitably have situations arise later that necessitate a change in the schedule. If they haven't been kind to their ex-spouse, they may not be able to convince that ex-spouse when the shoe's on the other foot.
  

• Be inflexible and demanding if you request a change in plans. If you are working under a court-ordered schedule, you can change it by agreement or by going to court and convincing a judge. Which do you think is quicker and cheaper? If you think that you can always have your way on visitation issues, you will quickly learn otherwise.
  

• Argue in front of the kids about the plans. Mature parents understand the need to keep kids out of adult issues. Arguing and negotiating a holiday schedule should not be done in front of the kids.
  

• Short-change the kids, but blame the other parent. If you choose to not let the kids have or do a certain thing, such as attend a family party, don't blame your ex-spouse. If you are convinced that the decision is the right thing, then notify the kids in an age-appropriate way and don't criticize the other parent.
  

• Criticize the other parent and the other side of the family. There are many times when a parent is very tempted to make fun of, or put down, the ex-spouse and his or her family. Some people even claim that such criticism is acceptable because it is "the truth". It's not necessary to investigate the truthfulness of the statements, because that's not the real issue. Even "truth" can be hurtful. The concern is that such critical statements are damaging to the children because they realize that they come half from each parent. They likely will take that criticism personally.
  

• Compete against the former spouse for the love and affection of the kids. Don't try to provide the best gifts, the best parties or best trips. Children have plenty of love to share and there's just no need to wage a battle over the children.

What to do

Some people are interested in avoiding the drama and conflict during the holidays. If you are one of those, here's some things you can do to improve your chances of having a happy holiday season.

• Keep a good relationship all throughout the year with your ex-spouse. You may have to hold your tongue occasionally, but the kids will respect you for it and you will have a better chance of getting any needed schedule adjustments or favors that you request.
  

• Be flexible and be willing to compromise. There are two sides to everything. Keep in mind that you can accomplish more through cooperation than through battle. And your kids will appreciate a reasonable and realistic relationship between their parents.
  

• Demonstrate mature behavior for kids. This will help your children learn to deal with adversity and it will help earn their respect.
  

• Listen and think before you speak out. Don't just blurt out an emotional response in discussions with your ex-spouse. Take a deep breath, listen to what your ex is saying and then think through your response before you answer. It will help avoid a lot of hurt feelings.

Happy Holidays!

Children’s Extracurricular Activities: Appropriate Or Excessive?

I just ran across the following post by Robert L. Mues of the Ohio Family Law Blog. For me, because of a case I am involved in, it is a very timely post. I believe a number of parents (and children) can benefit by considering the issues Robert raised. Extracurricular activities sometimes become points of contention during and after divorces, as well as in intact families. I highly recommend the post to help anyone struggling with such issues.

"This is the first of a two-part series dealing with children’s extracurricular activities. Next week, I will address the impact the divorce may take on a child’s extracurricular activity schedule when the parents have conflicts with each other.

"There is no doubt that extracurricular activities can be very beneficial to a child. According to a recent study by the Nellie Mae Education Foundation, children who participate in after-school programs are more engaged and have a better attitude about learning, perform better academically and enjoy an increased sense of accomplishment, competence and self-esteem. Additionally, participation also lowers children’s risk of becoming depressed, using drugs and alcohol, and experiencing other behavioral problems.

"Recently, while researching this topic, I came across an excellent article about how to choose after-school activity(ies) for children at www.scholastic.com. It also gives a breakdown discussing appropriate types and numbers of activities per week which are recommended based on the age and maturity of the child starting with kindergarten through middle school. The article offers advice which will help a parent determine if it is time for their child to start an extracurricular activity, what’s the best option and how to find a good program.

"Recently, Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., a child psychologist at Dayton Children’s Hospital and Dayton Daily News columnist, addressed a similar inquiry from a reader wondering if a child can be too involved with an extracurricular activity. Here the reader was asking about their 15 year old daughter, Maddie, who’s been involved in gymnastics since she was three years old and practices about 16 hours during the weekdays and competes on weekends year round. In response to that background, Dr. Ramey gives advice on how you can tell if your child’s dedication is beneficial or excessive.

• Be mindful of the effects on the entire family. While it’s great that kids are passionate about something, you need to carefully assess the impact on others, particularly siblings. Family life involves endless compromises in trying to balance the needs of adults and kids. In families with a high achieving teen, other siblings may inadvertently pay a high cost. The support of one child shouldn’t come at the cost of other family members.
• Keep the activity in perspective. While we don’t want to discourage kids from their passions, they do need a reality check about the significance of their activity for their future educational and vocational aspirations. Maddie’s mom has made it clear to her daughter that 'school is number one.'
• Be willing to walk away from the activity. There have been times when Maddie has encountered tough times and wanted to end gymnastics. How would her mom and dad have responded if she wanted to stop gymnastics? 'My parents are really into it…they wouldn’t be too happy.' Disappointment and frustration are inherent in the passionate pursuit of excellence. There are times when you should offer encouragement and not allow your child to give up when confronting difficulties. However, you should anticipate and be willing to accept the reality that there may be a time when your child abandons their passion for other pursuits.
• Regularly assess the real value of the activity. Most of our kids will never grow up to be professional baseball players or gymnasts. The value of their commitment is less in the acquisition of athletic skills and more in habits and friendships that persist long after the activity has ended. Maddie’s mom described the peer support that Maddie gets daily in the gym as '…the kind of friendships you don’t often get in life.' Maddie has also learned about discipline, persistence, and time management - habits that will serve her well throughout her lifetime.

"Dr. Ramey concluded that, “The child may never back flip her way to the Olympics, but I suspect she will be a successful person in whatever she does.” Click here to read Dr. Ramey’s full article.
One of the points clearly made in the scholastic.com article mentioned above is that it’s important to watch your child for signs of over-scheduling. “In younger children, this most often takes the form of irritability, avoiding eye contact and tantrums. In older children, look out for mood swings, recurrent sickness, such as stomach aches, and complaints about the activities themselves. At any age, if the school work begins to suffer, it’s time to cut back.” Click here to read the full article, by Toby Leah Bochan, at scholastic.com.

"One of the points clearly made in the scholastic.com article mentioned above is that it’s important to watch your child for signs of over-scheduling. 'In younger children, this most often takes the form of irritability, avoiding eye contact and tantrums. In older children, look out for mood swings, recurrent sickness, such as stomach aches, and complaints about the activities themselves. At any age, if the school work begins to suffer, it’s time to cut back.'

"While balancing children’s extracurricular activities can be difficult in a conventional intact family, read next week’s blog article where I discuss the impact that a divorce may have on juggling a child’s activities and parenting time."

There are some very practical ideas about how to evaluate the impact of extracurricular activities that should be helpful to many people. I also encourage you to read other posts in the Ohio Family Law Blog.

Makin' a List, Checkin' it Twice ...

One of the most stressful times for a family going through a divorce or after a divorce is the holidays. Family traditions have to adjust to new living arrangements, court orders and emotional conflict. Among the holidays, the traditional two biggies for conflict are Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Thanksgiving is coming up and I hope you already have a clear mutual understanding of the schedule for the kids. If not, you need to talk right away. Don't wait until Wednesday or Thursday to work out the details. In Texas, we have a standard possession order that covers the holidays very well. In even-numbered years (that includes 2008), the parent who does not have primary custody will normally have the children for Thanksgiving, beginning the day school lets out and ending the Sunday or Monday after Thanksgiving. The other parent has the kids for the same time period in odd-numbered years. BUT, check your order to make sure that it is set up that way.

The Christmas schedule can be more complicated. The standard provision is usually for the parent with primary custody to have the kids for the first part of the Christmas break in even-numbered years and the second part of the break in odd-numbered years. The exchange time in the middle used to be noon on December 26, but in new orders, it may be noon on December 28. Or your order may have something entirely different. SO, check you order to find out for sure when the possession times are and when the exchange is.

A helpful reminder is that whoever has the kids for Thanksgiving normally has them for the second half of the Christmas break.

Note: For those of other than Christian faiths, your court order can be written to reflect your personal holiday preferences. You should not feel like you are limited to standard Christian observances. With your input, your attorney can create or modify an order that reflects your religious practices or non-practices in the holiday season.

In Tarrant County, divorce lawyers can easily put together a schedule that meets your needs, but it is important that you tell your preferences. If necessary, we can get you into court shortly before the holidays to clarify of modify the visitation schedules, but please let us know as far in advance as possible because the courts get very crowded in December each year.

Final Tip: A little communication goes a long way. Before bringing in the attorneys, you should always consider just talking with the other parent. Even if you don't get along real well, a brief discussion can save both of you a lot of money if you can reach an agreement. You are not bound to a court order if you both agree on something. You can be as creative as you want to, as long as you both agree.

Good luck and happy holidays!

Sharing Time with Teenagers

Christine Bauer, of the Florida Divorce and Family Law Blog, has a very timely post on visitation issues with teenagers. In addition to the usual stresses between parents going through a divorce, parents of teenagers must deal with a very different environment when they are trying to arrange a visitation schedule for children who are teens.

• The children often don't want to be considered kids (and often shouldn't be).
• They frequently want some role in deciding where they will be and what they will be doing.
• At the same time, they can be very manipulative.
• They also have more and more activities and greater independence, particularly when they drive.
• School work can become more demanding and time consuming, while extra-curricular activities can eat up a lot of their free time.
• One way or another, there often isn't much free time left for teenagers to be around their parents.

Another complicating factor can be changing relationships between parents and children. There often is a lot of conflict and communication problems. To make it worse, if one parent has not been very involved with the children during the marriage, but suddenly, because of a divorce, wants to make up for lost time, children sometimes will not quickly welcome that parent back into their lives. That can create a lot of frustration and conflict for both parent and children, and a court order alone is usually not a good or sufficient solution.

Here's what Christine Bauer had to say about the topic:

"When Judges impose time sharing for children who are young, these types of rulings are very easily enforced and its likely that the children aren't really given a choice as to whether or not they should visit with one of their parents. With teenagers, this is a much more grey area. Teenagers have busy schedules, often times have anger issues towards one parent, and/or are easily manipulated into feeling a certain way towards one parent. What do you do if your teenager refuses to spend time with you doing your designated days? As a parent, how can you encourage your teenager to spend time with a parent when they say they have no interest in doing so? I have the following suggestions:

"1. Be flexible. If your teenager primarily resides with you, you have the benefit of spending time with this child during the week. Encourage your child not to make plans that will affect their ability to spend time with the parent who only sees their children during the weekend. If plans are made during their visitation with the other parent, be open to switching weekends so that the other parent doesn't go weeks without any quality time with their child.

"2. Don't speak negatively about the other parent or project your own angry feelings towards that parent onto your children. Often times a teenager will feel protective towards one parent and may decide that they don't want to spend time with their other parent in order to protect the parent they feel is being wronged. Remember that your child deserves to have a loving relationship with both parents and its your job, no matter how hard, to insure that this happens.

"3. Always keep the other parent informed about extracurricular activities so that the non-custodial parent can be actively involved in your child's life and be afforded the opportunity to see the child even when its not their designated time sharing days.

"4. Encourage family therapy if there are issues and problems that preclude the child from wanting to spend time with either their mother or father. Family therapy can be tremendously helpful to a child who feels they don't have the ability to communicate with their non-custodial parent.

"5. Don't allow your child to make too many decisions about visitations. Remember that you are the parent and that there are many things that you 'make' your children do that they don't want to do, like homework, cleaning their room, etc. One of the things that you should make your child do is spend time with their mother or father."

These are all good ideas for dealing with visitation issues that seem to get worse as kids get older. Some of these will take some time, such as family therapy, and there are no instant cures. Take your time. Getting both parents to work together on solutions is the best appoach. Good luck!

Meeting Halfway for Child Visitation Exchanges -- Great Tip!

One of the consistently best family law blogs in the country is Georgia Family Law Blog by Steve Worrell. He recently posted a brief article about a really useful tool for parents who are figuring out where to meet to exchange their children. It's a web site that creates a map to help parents quickly resolve the issue of arranging the meeting place. Here's what he had to say:

"Frequently parents of divorce have an agreement, or a court order, to meet at a halfway point for purposes of exchanging their children for visitations. For families following such an arrangement,

MeetWays is a neat website.

"Meetways.com was created to let its users find a point of interest between two addresses. Let's say you need to meet your ex and the kids at some halfway point? Meetways.com will allow you to enter both addresses, then give you the exact halfway point and a list of restaurants and points of interest in that area. Save hours trying to figure out the halfway point on a map and instead find it in one simple click!"

I guess this would count as a tech tip. It's a very handy tool that can give an objective anwer to a question often asked about where the parties could meet in the middle. Even if the exact middle is not appropriate, just seeing the map could open up other possibilities for meeting places. The site can also help with finding a place to meet in the middle when there is longer distance travel involved, such as living in different cities or counties. It's a simple idea that's really worthwhile. Give it a try and let me know about your experiences.

SOURCE FOR POST: California Divorce Blawg -- where the story originated.

I Don't Like My Ex-Spouse's Vacation Plans (With the Kids)!

I recently spent several hours at the courthouse because my client's spouse wanted to control my client's summer vacation with the children. While there may have been mental health issues active in this case, it was not the first time that a parent had tried to prevent or control the other parent's summer vacation plans with the children. As in most cases, it was a futile exercise, wasting time and money for both parties. My client was unhappy about being in court and the other party was very unhappy about the outcome. It all could have been avoided.

Courts in Texas will rarely get involved in parental vacation plans, unless there is a real danger to the children. If a parent has plans to expose the children to a very dangerous situation, a court might act. If a parent just doesn't like the other parent's plans or doesn't like others who will be around the children, most courts won't get involved. Judges can recognize when someone is being controlling or acting as a bully, and they generally won't support such behavior. Generalized fears that a parent may be somewhat irresponsible or that a child will be homesick or that a child won't have a good time are not sufficient to warrant restricting a parent's vacation plans. Complaining that a parent or others will "bad mouth" the other parent will not be sufficient to force a change in plans. There are less drastic ways to deal with all those scenarios.

There are several possible things that could be going on when this issue arises:

• There could be a legitimate concern, with a factual basis, related to past events. The problem (from that parent's perspective) is that the expected harm must be certain and significant, and that's hard to prove.
• The child may be telling both parents different things and may have her own agenda in creating conflict.
• The child may be telling both parents different things and may just be trying to cope with pressure put on the child by one or both parents.
• One parent may really be afraid that the child will have a good time with the other parent and wants to prevent that.
• A parent may be selfishly wanting to spend the time with the child and therefore tries to create whatever barriers he can to prevent the child from being away.
• One parent may be trying to alienate the child from the other parent or the other parent's family or friends, so she tries to interfere with visits.
• One or both parents could be mentally ill or very immature.
• A parent may just want to continue past fights with the other parent and is using this as a tool.

What can you do in such a situation?

• Talk to the other parent. Try to reason with him or her. Be willing to provide lots of information, if that will help.
• Encourage the other parent to go to a counselor to discuss the problem in advance.
• Consider going to a mediator. Some therapists are also trained mediators and that can be a helpful combination.
• In Tarrant County, Texas, you can make an appointment with the Access Facilitator for your court. A trained social worker can often help you and the other parent resolve the matter without attorneys or court, and at no cost!
• Your last resort should be hiring attorneys. Most experienced attorneys can pretty quickly tell you what the outcome will be if you go to court, and most of the time, the answer is that the judge will not restrict vacation plans, unless there is a serious, immediate danger.

Good luck, and may common sense be with you!

TGIF: A Rare Friday

Today, Friday February 29, 2008, is a special day! It is Leap Day which is the extra day added to the month of February every four years. This year the 29th lands on a Friday and it becomes the 5th Friday of the month. That fact makes it especially significant in Texas because of our Standard Possession Order visitation schedule. The Standard Order doesn't have to be used in every case, but it is the most common arrangement in Texas visitation orders. It provides that the person without primary possession (custody) of the child will have possession of the child on the 1st, 3rd and 5th Fridays of the month. For the purposes of the schedule, the weekend begins on Friday, so this year there is an extra visitation weekend which rarely occurs in February.

Leap Day creates a bonus visitation weekend this year, but parents shouldn't plan on it again for a while. The next time Leap Day will be on a Friday will be in 2036.

Thanks to Harry Tindall, Houston Collaborative attorney, for calling this event to my attention.

Insist on Your Right to Visit Your Child!

J. Benjamin Stevens writes the South Carolina Family Law Blog and always has interesting posts. The following is a recent one of his which reproduced a post from the Florida Divorce and Family Law Blog, beginning with Stevens' introduction:

I found the post below from Brent Rose to be very interesting. He makes a great point in a very unusual and compelling way. I hope that this post makes my readers think about this issue as well.


There's something I like about both the NRA and the ACLU. I know they're such different organizations. One is considered very liberal, the other very conservative. But they have one thing in common: they don't sit back and expect their rights to simply be handed to them. They fight for their rights. If they think their rights are being abridged or abused, they take charge. They go public. They get angry. They sue.


I get upset when someone says, "My ex won't give me visitation!" Well, why do you expect your ex to give you your visitation. Do you think the NRA or the ACLU expects the government to just give them their rights? Visitation is a right. Sometimes rights have to be demanded. Sometimes you have to get angry. Sometimes you have to sue.


No, it's not that the other parent didn't give you visitation. You just didn't take it. You are as much a parent as the other person is. You have a right to visitation. The law is pretty simple: the other parent can't deny you visitation. If he or she does deny you visitation, you file an action to have your visitation determined by the court. And if the other parent still won't give you visitation after a judge orders it? Watch how quickly custody changes. Maybe you agree with NRA and/or the ACLU and maybe you don't, but there is something to be learned from them. Don't expect your rights to just be handed to you. Go to court and demand them.



Source: "The Other Parent Won't Give You Visitation" by Brent Rose, published at The Orsini & Rose Florida Divorce and Family Law Blog.

Children, Divorce and the Holidays- How to make the best out of a stressful time

Thanks to Stephen Worrall of the Georgia Family Law Blog and Mark A. Wortman of the Missouri Divorce & Family Law Blog, both excellent blogs, for this timely posting. We are getting really close to Thanksgiving and there is a strong possibility of encountering various family problems. Even in intact families, there is often stress about where and when adults and children will visit each other during the holiday season. Avoiding a sense of competiton, and seeking cooperation instead, between various family units is essential. For some other worthy ideas, please continue reading. Hopefully, this will help resolve some family issues at a time when family members should be enjoying each other's company.

The holiday season conjures up many images for all of us. The most universal of these images is one that includes happy excited children. However, for children from divorced or separated families, the holidays can be a nightmare. What other children may experience as a joyful time filled with excitement and good feelings, children whose parents are divorced or separated see quite differently. Often the holiday time marks a period of turmoil and chaos, as the estranged parents are forced to negotiate additional child centered issues. Depending on the degree of hostility between the parents, children of divorce approach the holidays with feelings ranging from mild ambivalence to absolute dread. This article will explore what children of divorce experience at holiday time with a focus on holiday visitation, parents' legal rights and ways that parents can help ease the pain and reduce conflict so the holidays can be enjoyed by all.

First, regardless of financial or marital status, we all experience stress around the holidays. We spend too much, eat too much, party too much and always seem to have too little money, too little sleep, and too little time. It is important to recognize that most people feel inadequate around the holidays.

Second, regardless of how good the relationship is between the divorced or separated parents, children and their parents always experience some sadness around the holidays. After all, the holidays are a time for reminiscing and reassessing our lives. The divorced or separated family is always aware of the pain it has suffered and the holidays magnify this pain. Reminiscing is part of the holiday tradition, as we remember holidays gone by with stories or browsing through the family album. For the divorced or separated family this experience is bittersweet, as they reassess how it "used to be."

Third, we have unrealistic expectations. This result is the "post holiday blues" many of us experience in January. We expect more from ourselves and others than is possible, so we feel let down and disappointed.

Fourth, the ability of the children to adjust not just to the holiday visitation schedule, but to the divorce or separation, in general is directly effected by how well the parents have learned to adjust to their new roles as ex-spouses and co-parents. The above four issues give insight into what parents need to do, regarding their children.

Each holiday exists for a limited number of hours. Because parents are divorced or separated does not mean that the amount of holiday time available, doubles. In reality, it means that each parent now only has half the time with the child that they had before. Recognizing that reality is primary in negotiating visitation time.

The bad news for the children is that they are forced to divide their time between two families. The good news is that they experience two celebrations. From the child's point of view this may sound like a lot of fun and it can be, provided that the parents set realistic expectations and don't try to outdo each other or buy the child. Many non-custodial parents feel that they have to make up for their absence by indulging the child's every whim. This is unhealthy parenting. The Disneyland parent will grow to resent it and your child will test your boundaries and try to take advantage. If possible, discuss with your ex-spouse your child's gift list and divide the list, rather than duplicate it. Competing for your child's love and loyalty only confuses the child. The best gift you can give your children this holiday season is permission to love both parents.

Some families avoid splitting the holidays, agree that the children will spend Christmas Eve with one parent and Christmas day with the other. Many divorce decrees provide that parents alternate major holidays yearly. This gives both parents the opportunity to celebrate with the children and avoids rushing the children to two holiday diners. Some families choose to celebrate Christmas Eve and the other parents Christmas Day. Remember holidays are about families and good feelings not the day the calendar dictates. In reality every day should be a holiday!

Older children are not immune to this stress. Children who live on their own may find it difficult to choose where to go and when. Young adults returning home for the holidays have the additional stress of wanting to spend time with their friends. Recently, a young couple, who were married within the last year saw a therapist to negotiate holidays. Both sets of parents were divorced and remarried. They were caught in the trap of negotiating four sets of parents not to mention grandparents. Trying to please their parents, each other and themselves was putting stress on their marriage. They decided to rotate holidays, rather than try to see everyone on every holiday. Now instead of spending holidays driving all over the state, worrying about where they had to be next, they were able to relax and enjoy their time with all members of their families.

For younger children, the decision of where to go, and when should be decided by the parents. Having to choose to spend time with one parent, over the other is a tremendous burden for the child, which may result in the child feeling guilty. It also gives the child more power than is appropriate. Your child does not decide whether he/she wants to go to school, but he/she may decide what to wear. Age-appropriate responsibilities enhance children's self esteem and confidence. Frequently divorced families fall into the trap of giving the children more power than is appropriate. To avoid this, make sure you have a support system you can turn to for advice and encouragement. One of the most difficult aspects of single parenting is not having another adult in the house to offer support and validation.

Divorcing parents are advised to determine where the children will celebrate, in writing, with the assistance of their divorce lawyers. This will prevent parental arguments and involvement of the children. The scheduling of holiday celebrations can be done creatively to fit each couple's unique situation. Parents can alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas, or Christmas Day and Christmas Eve, or allow the parent not having Christmas, the week between Christmas and New Years. It is important to put the agreement in writing to avoid misunderstandings and reneging on the part of either party.

Holidays are a mixed blessing. If we set realistic expectations, focus on the needs of the children, develop a good support system, and take care of ourselves both emotionally and physically, this time of year can be joyful and fulfilling regardless of our individual family structure. Best wishes for a peaceful and happy holiday season!

Source: www.divorcesource.com
SOURCE FOR POST: Missouri Divorce & Family Law Blog and Divorce Help Network