Does Divorce Affect Parenting Ability?

A recent study conducted by a University of Alberta, Canada researcher concludes that divorced parents generally parent about as well after a divorce as they were before the divorce. Most people tend to expect that parenting suffers after a divorce, but that is apparently not always true. There are certainly cases and situations where the stress, conflict and other difficulties of a divorce cause problems for parents, but generally, it seems that parenting behavior is not changed significantly by a divorce. In other words, good parents will still usually be good parents.

The study makes sense from my perspective of over 30 years of divorce work. The problem situations arise when a parent who lacks some skills, experience or confidence in parenting suddenly is on his or her own in caring for children. Parents who weren't very involved before the divorce rarely suddenly become excellent parents. Parents who were inappropriate with children before divorce will probably remain the same. Excellent parents will also very likely continue to be great parents.

Many courts, especially here in Tarrant County, will automatically order the parties to go to parenting classes. That doesn't hurt, but it also may not lead to much improvement if the parents are already doing a pretty good job. It might be time to come up with a way to screen parents and create several different parenting classes that can provide help in specific ways, rather than taking a "one size fits all" approach. A basic parenting skills course, for example, could be of enormous benefit to parents who are not used to the responsibilities of parenting. Of course, until that is done, I will continue to suggest that both parents, in virtually every divorce I handle, go to at least the basic co-parenting class. Our local class is well-taught and the parents and children seem to benefit.

Thanks to Ben Stevens who writes the great South Carolina Family Law Blog which had a post about the study that was previously reported by the Rosen Law Firm of North Carolina and their excellent blog, KramerVs.

How the Judge Divides Assets -- Will We Have to Sell Everything?

This is another in a series of common questions from clients. The answer is "NO".

Many clients ask if the Judge will make them sell everything and then split the money. Sometimes one party will threaten the other with asking the Judge to sell everything. That's usually done to scare or intimidate the other party who may not have been as compliant as the spouse wants. Sometimes it's suggested out of frustration when the other party is stubborn and unreasonable (imagine that happening in a divorce!). Sometimes it is just a bully's threat. Sometimes people have been told by family or friends that it will happen.

Theoretically, the Judge could order things sold, but I have never seen it in over 30 years of divorce work. There are some obvious reasons why it doesn't happen:

1. It's too much trouble. Imagine a giant, comprehensive garage sale or auction. It would be unmanageable. There would be no one to run the sale and make sure it was all done honestly. It would require a lot of people to work the sale. Such a sale would undoubtedly take a long time and would probably delay the divorce.

2. There would be little return for the sale of used things. The cost of replacement would greatly exceed the gain from the sale. There might not be a market for a lot of things, and some things would be "priceless", as they say on the commercial. Some things would probably have a negative value.There could be tax consequences from the sale of some assets and a court is not likely to knowingly set up that problem.

3. In Texas, the Court is required to make a division of property that is "just and right". It is hard to conceive of any judge thinking selling everything would result in a just and right division.

The most common means for dividing property is by agreement. Most cases are settled by agreement. Negotiations occur almost constantly while a case is pending, unless one party literally refuses to discuss settlement or takes an unyielding, extreme position that makes settlement impossible. Probably 90--95% of cases settle before trial. If informal negotiations are unproductive, mediation is a highly effective settlement method that is used all the time. One way or another, the parties usually reach agreement on property agreement.

So don't worry if your spouse threatens to have everything sold. It ain't gonna happen!

How to Interview Your Lawyer

When people realize they need to hire an attorney for a divorce or some other legal matter, they begin to search around to find one. They may know one or get recommendations or research on the Internet. There are lots of sources of information about attorneys. At some point, the prospective client will set up a time for a first meeting with an attorney to decide whether to hire the attorney and to find out if the attorney is willing and able to take the case. The first meeting between attorney and prospective client is very important for both parties who want to size each other up. Gathering records and making a list of questions are very helpful for the meeting, but there are some other steps to prepare that shouldn't be overlooked.

I have just read an excellent post, by Chris Marston on another blog, about the interviewing process. Although the post in Inside the Firm of the Future is technically about lawyers interviewing for employment at a law firm, it sparked some thoughts about how clients might benefit from some of the techniques when they are first meeting with a lawyer. Incidentally, the tips are also very useful for almost anyone looking for a job -- a topic that I know often surfaces during or after a divorce. At any rate, here are my five slightly modified tips, based on Chris Marston's great post.

1. Differentiate Yourself. Some attorneys will take on any case that comes in the door. Others will accept only clients that meet their standards who have interesting cases. It's a good idea to explain to the attorney what unique qualities there are about you and your case, especially if you want or expect special attention. You should not assume that any attorney you visit will automatically accept you as a client.

2. Do your Homework. With the Internet, it's possible to find out a lot about almost any attorney. If you do a search and can't find anything, you might wonder how they have remained out of sight. You can also ask around if you know other attorneys or business people or professionals who might have had dealings with the attorney. Find out what kind of practice the attorney has and what organizations he or she is a member of. Make sure the attorney is experienced and works with the type of matter you have.

3. Get over Yourself. Don't just talk about yourself. You do need to give some background, but be prepared to discuss the overall issues and your goals. Think about what you want and need for the future. Be prepared to discuss everyone and all the issues that may arise in your case. While it's sometimes good to interview several attorneys, be sure to adapt your approach for each one.

4. Interview THEM! While it is important to provide information about your case, it is also important to find out if the attorney is a good fit for you. Believe it or not, every attorney has a different personality and each handles business differently. That means that some attorneys will be able to work with you very comfortably, but others won't. It's really better for everyone if you can be upfront in explaining how much communication and what type of communication you want from your attorney. Do you prefer an associate or assistant or the main attorney to contact you? Do you want periodic calls? Can there be too many letters from the attorney? (Some clients have requested that we cut back on some mailings, even when there's no cost involved.) Find out what the attorney's policies are on these and other issues that will affect you. If you aren't familiar with the legal procedures, ask for clear explanations. Make sure the attorney can speak to you without resorting to legalese. Do you really understand what the attorney is saying? Feel free to ask lots of questions!

5. There is only ONE right answer: Be Yourself. Don't try to impress the attorney or to hide your warts. In family law, we understand about people's imperfections. It is much better to admit to any problems up front so the attorney can help you. Surprises are not good in the legal system. There are often many ways to resolve or work around problems, and often what you think is terrible will be no big deal to the attorney. Many people are their own worst critics, but shouldn't be. Other people have been told by their spouse or other family members over and over how terrible or worthless they are, and they sometimes start to believe it. Don't worry about being embarrassed. Experienced attorneys have seen and heard much worse in all likelihood.

Again, if you are looking for a job, read Chris Marston's original post. If you are looking to hire an attorney, try out these suggestions. Thanks to Michelle Golden at Golden Practices for the tip about Chris' post.

New Year's Resolutions: 7 Tips for Being a Better...

Since it is the first of the new year, I will join the chorus with some New Year's Resolutions for divorced or separated parents and others. Following these tips should help you behave better, have better discussions and keep the peace.

The holidays can be a tough time for families, whether together or divided. There are many activities, financial obligations and a feeling that everything should be wonderful, but that things might not work out well. When families are together, there can be problems with conflicting events and expectations from both sides of the family. In a post-divorce situation, the stress tends to be magnified. The same conflicts, plus others, can occur. Usually, families operate under a standardized, somewhat arbitrary schedule for time with the children. Many times, the parents encounter difficulties in juggling school activities, parties, shopping, family gatherings, and travel. We are a little past the immediate danger of some of the worst arguments, but it never hurts to plan ahead.

Here is a list of seven tips to help you be a better ex-spouse/parent/grandparent/or significant other. Hint: you can actually use these any time of the year when you are dealing with family issues.

1. Listen and think before speaking. Listen to your child or the ex-spouse or whoever the discussion is with. Pause and think about what you are going to say and what effect it may have. Try not to react in anger, even when justifiably provoked. Listening demonstrates respect, which doesn't hurt when you are negotiating a personal issue. Think carefully about the words you choose. They can make a huge difference. Labeling someone an idiot or stupid or something worse will make it harder to get a concession from them.

2. Pause and take a deep breath to diffuse anger. You don't have to go on autopilot to engage in a discussion. Doing so will likely lead you into an argument where you and the other party simply fall into a pattern of quick, angry reactions to each other. If you pause, the other party may continue speaking and that may not be bad. Sometimes, as we know, people just want to vent, to get something off their chest. Letting the other party speak may go a long way to resolving the problem.

3. Put yourself in the other person's position. This may be hard to do as an argument starts to heat up, but you can do it if you pause, take a deep breath and think before you speak. With only a small amount of effort, you can probably put yourself in the other person's place and try to understand what he or she wants and why. That effort may enable you to figure out a way to resolve the issue without getting into a huge argument. Play the devil's advocate with yourself. Consider how you would feel if the other person requested what you are wanting. Think through what you are saying and what the consequences may be. Think of the damage you can cause by recklessly pursuing an argument. You may technically be right, but that may not be the best position to take. If you insist on following the letter of the law (the exact wording of the order, for example), that may preclude you from getting a break from the other party later on when you want to do something a little outside the rules.

4. Don't take things personally. That's often a tough one. If you're in a "discussion" with your ex, it's natural to take things personally. One way to help avoid that is to plan ahead, anticipate arguments and be prepared for how an angry response may be delivered by your ex. You don't have to stoop to his or her level. While it may be very satisfying in one sense to get angry and engage in a big argument, in the long run it is harmful. Keep in mind the fact that you will probably continue to have some relationship with the other person for the rest of your life. If you take time to anticipate what may be said, you can avoid a quick, angry response.

5. Try out the other person's suggestion. Sometimes the other party is right and sometimes their ideas are as good as yours, although it may be hard to admit it. For example, if the other parent wants to split the cost of a tutor, maybe you should try it out. Don't just defend your power, authority or turf. Give their suggestion a try. Maybe you'll find that it's not such a bad idea. If you try it and it is a bad idea, it will be harder for your ex to defend the next time such an issues arises. If the idea works, great!

6. Put each situation in context. Think about the big picture. It may be better to concede some small stuff to keep the peace or to encourage your ex to be accomodating for you later on something else. Not all issues are equally important. Exchanging weekends, or changing the pick up or return times a little bit, should not be a big battle. Resist the urge to bring in other issues when the discussion could be about just one small issue.

7. Seek common ground. Be able to compromise. It is rare for one person to always be right or solely have the best ideas. Think about what you and the other party have in common. For example, you may disagree about which after-school activities a child should be in, but you may be able to work to an agreement by remembering (and discussing) what goals you both have for the child. If you start from a broader policy or value statement, such as encouraging music education because studies show it can lead to higher IQs, then you can change the focus to finding the best program available under the time and financial limitations that may exist. Starting from, or going to, common ground can help the parties find answers they can both live with.

It is true that it may not be entirely satisfying to be a peacemaker. The adrenaline rush from a fierce argument can be wonderful, especially if you skillfully tear the other person apart with your clever words. In the long run, however, the damage done may cause major problems that seriously outweigh the enjoyment of winning an argument. These are just a few of the actions you can use to help you avoid getting into destructive arguments and help you become a better parent, ex-spouse, etc. ...

How to Break the News to Your Spouse

Divorces usually begin one of three ways. Either your spouse tells you that he or she wants to get a divorce, or you tell your spouse you want to get a divorce, or the decision to divorce is mutual after both of you have discussed it over a period of time. Many people have difficulty when they are the one to break the news to their spouse. Most of the time, both spouses realize that the marriage is not working out, but in a significant number of cases, one spouse has been quietly suffering until a breaking point is reached. In those cases, the other spouse is often unaware of the problems and is surprised when the spouse announces a decision to divorce.

Once the decision to divorce has been made by one of the spouses, the other spouse needs to find out about it. This is usually accomplished by using one of several means.

• You can meet with your spouse and tell him or her directly in person. Some people appreciate this and some feel insulted if they aren't told in this way. Some want to be told this way to avoid a public embarrassment. Some want to take the opportunity to plead their case to continue the marriage.

• You can call your spouse and explain the situation over the phone. It avoids the public spectacle and makes it easier to end the discussion quickly.

• Notice can be sent by a letter from you or your attorney. The attorney letter will probably not be taken as a warm or conciliatory gesture, although it may not be bad if your spouse is expecting something to start.

• A mutual friend or relative might be talked into being the messenger. That insulates you from direct contact with your spouse for the time being.

• You could have your spouse served with notice by a process server. Where you choose to have your spouse served (at home, work or elsewhere) can make a huge difference as far as the perception of your attitude toward your spouse and it could affect your spouse's anger level as the divorce gets started. You should discuss with your attorney whether it is necessary and advisable to serve your spouse and whether you should notify your spouse some other way first.

You should discuss with your attorney whether it is necessary or advisable to have papers served by a process server. Here are some other factors for you to consider in deciding how to notify your spouse about an up-coming divorce.

1. Choose an approach that is consistent with your goals and needs. It really helps to decide what your long-term and immediate goals and needs are: having primary custody; setting aside adequate retirement funds; keeping a friendly relationship with your soon-to-be ex-spouse so you can have a flexible possession schedule with the kids; having your debt paid off or minimized; limiting the amount spent on attorney's fees, having enough money to keep or obtain a house; getting an agreement for more or less child support; etc. On the other hand, you may need to act aggressively and quickly to preserve assets or protect the children, and that might indicate the need to serve papers right away. In some cases, telling your spouse before the papers are served may help your spouse avoid service or take other actions that could be detrimental to you.

2. Clarify what your objective is for telling your spouse about the divorce. Is it to be courteous; to start the divorce in a mature, civilized manner; to punish or threaten your spouse; to set up a hearing right away; to speed up the process; or some other reason?

3. Figure out your spouse's most likely response. Look at the situation from your spouse's point of view, whether you think it is valid or not. Do a little mental role-playing to visualize your spouse's reaction. How does your spouse view the relationship now? Is he or she: unaware of your plan to divorce; accepting of the divorce; eager for the divorce to move forward; opposed to the divorce; in denial and not reacting; or experiencing some other feelings? How do you think your spouse would act with each form of notice? What are your concerns? Would he or she be angry; violent; depressed; crying; happy; or experience some other response?

4. If you are discussing the divorce in person, practice what you will be saying. Think it through and then rehearse it. Choose your words very carefully -- they can make a huge difference in the outcome. You can practice with a friend or family member. Be prepared for any possible objections or other responses that you receive.
How, when and where you notify your spouse about your plans for divorce can have a significant effect on how difficult your divorce turns out. Careful consideration of these issues can make your divorce less stressful and less contentious, and you may have a better chance of achieving your goals and meeting your needs. Many people want to maintain their dignity during a divorce. A thoughtful approach at the start may pave the way to more cooperation later on. These are tough decisions, though, and you should think through the consequences of your choice.

The 12 Days of Christmas Divorce

On Christmas Eve, James J. Gross, of the Maryland Divorce Legal Crier, had a very appropriate post for the season and I am reproducing it with thanks.

"The Twelve Days of Christmas Divorce

On the twelfth day of Christmas,My true love sent to me
Twelve demands for relief,
Eleven prayers for property,
Ten thousand for alimony,
Nine hundred for child support,
Eight pages of interrogatories,
Seven requests for documents,
Six requests for admissions,
Five thousand for attorneys,
Four requests to enjoin,
Three pre-trial motions,
Two process servers,
And a complaint for a final divorce!"

I hope everyone has as merry a Christmas and as happy a holiday season as possible as you work through whatever legal issues you face. May your next year be much better and happier!

Internet Legal Information -- Handle with Care!

Years ago, Johnny Cash had a song about building a unique car "One Piece at a Time". In the song, he built a'49, '50, '51, '52...'70 model Cadillac by taking one piece a day from the auto factory where he worked. It's fascinating to try to picture his creation because Cadillac models evolved quite a bit during those years. You know the car would never work in real life, but it made a song that was fun to listen to.

Some people seeking a divorce use Johnny's approach and find out information about legal issues without limiting their search to their home state. That can be a serious problem whether they are just copying or downloading forms or learning about procedures. Piecing together paperwork using other states' forms can lead to problems ranging from wasting your time to having an unenforceable order to having the divorce thrown out of court. Some states, such as California, have standard forms which are readily available for the parties to fill out and file for themselves. Texas does not do that. Although there are some standard software programs used in Texas, there are not any standard state-issued forms that the parties can fill out and submit.

Similarly, trying to act in a Texas case based on New York or Florida or Kansas procedures won't be very effective. In addition, each state will have some variations and unique provisions regarding visitation and child support, as well as property division issues. Texas is surrounded by Lousiana, Arkansas, Oklahoma and New Mexico, but their laws are different in many respects from Texas laws.

The point is that you should be careful to rely on information about family law matters that is based on the law of your state. Don't pick parts of the law from different states and then try to mold them into your pleadings or strategy for your home state. It's fine to research legal issues on the Internet, but just pay attention to the context and what state is being discussed.

Does Selling a House Affect Child Support?

James J. Gross of the Maryland Divorce Legal Crier recently had an interesting post about a subject that comes up occasionally in Texas. He discussed how a Maryland judge ruled in a case where the mother sought an increase in child support from her ex-husband, in part because he had sold his house and had realized capital gains. In that case, the Maryland judge granted an increase in child support, but a smaller increase than the mother wanted, and the judge excluded the proceeds from the house sale from income for child support purposes.

The result in Texas would likely be the same for several reasons. Just as in Maryland, capital gains here can be considered part of the net income resources of a parent. Also, like in Maryland, the judge has some discretion in how and whether the capital gains will be included when calculating child support obligations. Here are some of the considerations.

• If the house equity was considered an asset to be divided in the property division between the parties, then it would be double-dipping to also consider the same equity as income.
• If the house was bought after the divorce and flipped for a quick profit, then it could be appropriate to count the proceeds as income. They are like a paycheck in that situation, although it would be reasonable to deduct related business expenses.
• If the sale is a one-time event, it could be considered in setting the support for the limited time when the gain was received, but should not be factored into future support since the gain won't be there again.
• If capital gains are regularly received, even if the amounts are hard to predict and are not guaranteed, they are more likely to be considered as income for child support purposes.

If capital gains could be an issue for child support in your case, be sure to provide full information to your attorney.

Divorce is Bad for the Environment

A recent story in the Los Angeles Times reported on a study done by Jianguo Liu, an ecologist at the Michigan State University, on the effects of divorce on the environment. He noted that people in divorced households spent an average of 46% more on electric power and 56% more on water. Although he made some valid points about divorce leading to more power consumption, pollution and waste of resources, I doubt anyone will put off getting divorced in order to save the environment.

Professor Liu mentioned some potential solutions to the problems, including having roommates, remarrying, living in a commune or becoming a polygamist. I guess having many others living in the same household would be more energy efficient, but it doesn't seem likely that some of those options will be very popular.

Actually, the story included some good advice. Divorce is a good time to scale down your living arrangements. Most people have too much stuff anyway. When they get divorced, it provides a great opportunity to live a simpler life with less stuff and a smaller residence. Maybe it could be a time to change lifestyles and be more energy conscious. It could be the beginning of a more environmentally friendly lifestyle, in which case everyone will come out ahead.

Thanks to the Rosen Law Firm and their blog, KraemerVs for their post on the article. They have an excellent blog and web site about North Carolina family law.

How to Deal with Last-Minute Visitation Issues

At this time of year, and at other times just before holidays and vacation times, it is not unusual to have conflict between parents over visitation/access with the children. A variety of circumstances can lead to the problems:

• Sometimes the existing court orders are a little vague.


• Sometimes the parents have been doing things by agreement a certain way and one of the parents decides to change things.


• Sometimes there is a special event that comes up that doesn't fit into the order or how the parents had been sharing.


• Sometimes one parent gets mad at the other and starts to use the kids as a weapon.


• Sometimes other family members interfere and create problems.


• Sometimes a work schedule or financial issues create a need to change visitation.


• Sometimes an outside opportunity comes up from school, church, friends, relatives, Scouts or other sources.


• And on and on. For any number of reasons, conflict can arise and really cause problems at holiday time.

What can be done? Here are some ideas.

1. Prevention is the best approach, if possible. Continually working and communicating with each other can help avoid major problems.

• Parents should talk early and often so they can avoid unpleasant surprises, hurt feelings and conflict. Discussing plans far in advance can help issues be resolved early or just not even become problems.
• Establishing a pattern and history of cooperation not only makes it easier to avoid conflict, but also makes it easier to deal with problems if they arise. If one parent has regularly shown a willingness to cooperate over a period of time, the other parent will probably be more willing to "give" somewhere in the future.
• Be nice. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
• Be flexible. Most plans can be adjusted. In the long run, you'll come out far ahead if you show flexibility and are able to change your plans sometimes. Keep in mind the big picture as far as what's in your child's best interest.
• Plan ahead. Try not to wait to the last minute to plan or implement changes in your child's schedule. Plan ahead and share the details with the other parent.
• Listen and be respectful. If you immediately start talking or arguing, you may miss some information and may jump to erroneous conclusions. Listening, just by itself, can defuse tensions. Being courteous and respectful to the other parent may be difficult, but investing in that effort can be rewarding by leading to better communication and relationships.

2. What do you do if you're already not on good terms? It is not unusual for two parents to not get along. Many people have difficulty getting over their divorce or other family conflicts. Parents who don't like each other need to work harder to minimize the conflicts over their children. Here are some tips.

• Communicate early and clearly. Written notices are good and can help avoid misunderstandings. Direct discussions can also be helpful, if done properly.
• Don't be accusatory or negative. Avoid using "always" and "never". Think before you speak and choose your words carefully. If you criticize the other parent, they will get defensive and less cooperative. Also, use "I" statements and avoid using "you" when you are speaking with the other parent.
• Listen and be respectful, even if you don't like the other parent or they don't like you. Being disrespectful will just make the situation worse. Hold your feelings until later.
• Be willing to compromise. Sometimes you can't persuade the other parent and sometimes you don't have any power or leverage in the situation. Keep your child's best interest paramount and be willing to give up some power if it helps end conflict.

3. What if you are already on bad terms with the other parent? Again, there are several things you can do.

• Figure out early if you need help. That will give you more time to respond and to find some resolutions.
• Develop layers of responses which escalate in strength of response and the involvement of 3rd parties. For example, you can start off by contacting a mutually respected friend or family member to be an intermediary. The other parent may listen to such a person when he/she won't listen to you. There might also be a couselor or child specialist who could get involved as a neutral person. A slightly higher step would be to meet with an Access Facilitator at the courthouse. If all of those don't work, you probably need an attorney, but the courts fill up before holidays, so going to court is often a slow and unhelpful process. Sometimes, though, you don't have any other alternatives.
• When you communicate with the other parent, give clear, non-argumentative messages. Don't be insulting. Think about how you sound to the other parent.
• Be willing and open to compromise. Even if you are going to court, judges encourage settlement and you often can work out a better agreement than you could get in court. Be flexible.

Last-minute visitation issues are common around holiday times. Knowing that, maybe you can take evasive action to avoid serious collisions over the children.