How to Minimize Frustration in a Divorce

Divorce can be a very frustrating experience. Everyone has expectations about the process and has desires about the outcome. The parties to a divorce often feel isolated and feel like they have no control over what's happening. Well-meaning family and friends often get involved and do what they can to support the husband or wife. Unfortunately, some of their efforts may intensify feelings of frustration that a party may be feeling. A little more understanding of some of the circumstances of what's happening in a divorce may help avoid or at least minimize frustration for the parties to the divorce.

Everyone should recognize that they have some control over their own feelings, but can't control the feelings of others. Spouses get upset, friends and family members get upset and even the attorneys, judge and court personnel may get upset in a given case. A party going through a divorce has enough concerns taking care of himself or herself, without adding the responsibility of keeping everyone else happy. Here are some typical sources of frustration and some suggestions for what can be done to minimize the stress from them.
1. Your spouse. One of the biggest sources of complaints during a divorce is often your spouse. Go figure! If your spouse was already one who freely complained during your marriage, that will probably continue throughout the divorce. If (s)he was big into blaming, it will continue and may increase, and guess who the target of the blame will be. Probably not him or her. So, what can you do?

• Tune out your spouse. Don't listen when (s)he is complaining or blaming. Walk away, hang up the phone and don't read messages if you reach the point where everything is negative and blaming. Avoid any discussions in person, and maybe in other forms as well, if the talks always seem to lead to arguments, blame, scapegoating -- negative attacks on you and others. You may be getting divorced, at least in part, for this very problem, so help yourself by staying out of the situation that drives you crazy.


• Get counseling to learn coping skills or ways to avoid the situations. You don't have to be crazy to benefit from counseling. In fact, counselors can help you keep your sanity and not get upset by what's going on. You're probably dealing with a situation that you have never experienced before and most people don't just naturally have the ability to deal with the stress. Get some help!

• Talk with your attorney about the frustrations and try to work out solutions to the issues complained of or have your attorney help you avoid the discussions. Sometimes understanding what's going on in your case can help reduce anxiety. Working out a plan with your attorney, based on your needs and interests, can also give you more comfort.

2. Your attorney. Unfortunately, one of the biggest complaints clients have is a lack of communication with their attorney. Many attorneys stay very busy and sometimes they just are not available when a client wants/needs to talk with them. What can you do about that?

• Have a good understanding with your attorney from the outset about what your communication needs are and what the attorney can do. Your attorney may know that (s)he will be unavailable at certain times because of other obligations. Since your problems, needs and concerns don't shut off on a schedule, have a "Plan B" worked out with the attorney so you can get help from his/her office. Find out your attorney's communication style and abilities in advance. Equally important, let your attorney know about your expectations and needs as well. Get to know the attorney's staff -- they can be very helpful and are usually much more available than the attorney.


• Adjust your expectations. Yes, you are paying a lot of money for legal representation, but you are not the only client with needs and your attorney may try to maintain some sort of personal life outside of work. It's unrealistic to expect an attorney to be at your beck and call 24/7, but you should be able to find out what is realistic for your attorney. You should be able to get in contact with someone from the attorney's office with a minimal delay. Talking with a staff member is often the best solution.

3. The other attorney. Parties to a divorce often become very critical of the attorney representing their spouse. Sometimes the attorney is rude or inconsiderate. Sometimes the attorney is just doing his/her job. Most of the time, the attorney is acting appropriately for the other side. What can you do about this?

• Adjust your attitude. The other attorney is acting on information provided by your spouse and is trying to help your spouse meet his/her goals and needs. It's not surprising that you wouldn't be happy about what the other attorney does or says. You need to expect the other attorney to act contrary to you interests. Don't take it personally.


• Talk to your attorney about it if you think the other attorney is really out of line. Sometimes an attorney may go to far in advocating for a client, but most likely the attorney is acting properly. It's hard to accept that if some of the attorney's comments are critical of you or are in conflict with how you want things to go. Your attorney can help you understand the situation. Knowing to expect the unfavorable comments or strategies may help reduce your frustrations.

4. What others say. In every divorce there is a group of invisible, but vocal, advisers in the background. Sometimes they are out in the open. They try to help out by giving you advice and support. Their support sometimes takes the form of attacking your spouse, your spouse's family and friends, the attorneys and/or the court system. Some of the "others" may have had previous divorce experience or have some other specialized knowledge or experience that they want to share with you. The problem is that each case is different and the "others" will not know all the details of your case, so their advice may be inappropriate, even if well-intentioned. What should you do?

• Talk to your attorney about what you are hearing. There may be some useful information, but let your attorney help you figure out what helps and what you should ignore. Don't get worked up about what you hear until you talk with your attorney. The advice you receive is often very wrong.


• Tune out a lot of the chatter. Ultimately, you may have to just not pay attention to these well-meaning advisers. If they're giving you wrong information, you can appreciate their concern, but not follow their advice. Often such advice gets in the way of following through with the strategy your attorney had worked out.

5. The judge and the legal process. Sometimes it may seem like you are fighting the judge who seems to be on your spouse's side. Sometimes it seems like the whole legal system is messed up. In almost every case, it moves much slower than at least one party wants, and it sometimes moves much faster than one of the parties wants.

• Recognize that the judge and other court personnel have rules and procedures they must follow. They also have responsibilities for many other parties who are involved in cases in the court system. You need to accept the fact that the judge probably won't agree with you on a lot of things and won't see everything from just your perspective. In the best of cases, you want the judge to understand your case and see both your and your spouse's points of view. You would prefer that the judge ultimately agree with you, but you must be realistic.


• Don't assume certain outcomes or motives. Talk with your attorney about what to expect. Your attorney should be able to explain how the legal process works so that you can determine whether it is operating within normal bounds.

6. When it seems like everything is going in favor of your spouse. That is a common, but mistaken, feeling. It comes from focusing on all the issues that are decided in favor of your spouse and ignoring or discounting the issues decided in your favor. It often results from ignoring the big picture and focusing on just the negative and the small items. This feeling is often made worse by the invisible chorus in the background who may start complaining that everything is going in your spouse's favor. When you start to feel this way, what can you do?

• Focus on the big picture. Think about the major issues. If you get awarded the majority of a retirement plan, but your spouse gets a large number of low-value items, don't start thinking everything is going your spouse's way. Keep things in perspective.


• Talk to your attorney about your concerns. The attorney can remind you of your "victories" and help you be realistic. Ultimately, it comes down to whether you attain your highest level or most important goals. Don't let yourself get down just because your spouse is prevailing on some issues.


• Be realistic in what you want. You will be unsuccessful if your requests are way out of line. A judge is unlikely, in most cases, to give most of the assets to one party and the debts to the other, unless there are special factors. A judge will normally establish standard visitation and child support for children, no matter how mad you may be (justified or not) at your spouse. You will surely be disappointed if you are unrealistic. Your attorney can help you develop appropriate requests and goals.

A common response you may have noticed is to discuss these concerns with your attorney. That is the single best thing you can do. If you don't raise the issue with your attorney, and don't take action to deal with the problems, you may become overwhelmed by frustration. Help yourself by recognizing the situation and getting help.

You Gotta Ask Yourself, "Do I Feel Lucky Today?"

Clint Eastwood, in his Dirty Harry movie, had the famous line about whether you feel lucky, ..."you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? " Luck is, of course, relative. What's lucky for you may have a bad effect for someone else. Many people believe that you make your own luck and that luck is a result of preparation and effort. It's also interesting how some people have the attitude that all they have is bad luck, while others expect to have good luck. The reality probably matches the expectation.

Today's date, besides being an interesting combination of numbers, 08-08-08, is considered a very lucky day in China. Is it an accident that the Olympics begins on a lucky day or was the Chinese Olympic Committee making their own luck? I guess we'll know the answer in about two weeks.

Evidently, many Chinese believe that they can also make their lives luckier by getting married on August 8, 2008. There was a extraordinary number of marriage ceremonies scheduled for today. Maybe we should have tried that in the U.S.

Actually, there are probably a lot of things that can be done to improve your chances of success in marriage. Good communication, respect and maturity go a long way to establishing and maintaining a good marital relationship. Willingness to work hard to maintain the relationship is essential.

Many things can come into the relationship to cause problems, though, so the parties must be willing to work out solutions. Sometimes issues come up which can't be satisfactorily resolved. In those cases, the best option may be divorce, but it should not be a quick decision to leave a marriage. Aside from the good aspects of marriage that are lost, the costs of divorce can be enormous emotionally, financially and physically.

It's fine to pick a "lucky day" to get married, but it takes more than luck to stay married. Any decision to end a marriage should be made carefully and after a great deal of consideration, and it's not unusual to have second thoughts. Unless there is an emergency or safety issue, I recommend that you take time to consider your options and think about whether there are other possibilities for saving the marriage.

To a large extent, I agree that you make your own luck and you can make or break your own marriage. If you work continuously to preserve and improve your marriage, you will have a better chance of success. Of course, it take two to make a marriage, so if your spouse isn't interested in staying married, you need to change course and get ready to move on.

5 Smart Parenting Tips for the Back-to-School Season

Around the first of August, parents start to get excited about the upcoming school year, and we know why. Some kids actually look forward to starting back to school, usually not for the homework, but for the chance for social activities and to see their friends. Some people are happy all the time, but a much larger group gets more energized as we get closer to the start of school. Since Texas (and many other states) have pushed back the start date for school, there is now more time to get emotionally and otherwise prepared for school. To help parents and children fill their time before school starts, here are five smart parenting tips to try out now.

1. Take advantage of the tax-free weekend. Texas and several other states have set up a weekend (August 15-17 this year) where no sales tax is collected for clothing, shoes and school supplies, among other things. It can save a lot of money for parents because stores usually have a lot of sales then as well. Parents can really stretch their funds if they plan ahead and shop on the tax-free weekend.

2. Coordinate end of summer travel. There is actually more travel time in the summer since the legislature moved back the start date for public schools. Parents should work together to make sure the children get into all the camps and programs they want and there is still time for family vacations. In addition, this summer, with higher gasoline prices, many families have decided to have stay-at-home vacations where they do local sightseeing. That is uncharted territory for many families who are not really familiar with what their hometown offers. In Fort Worth, for example, we have several major museums, including the Amon Carter, Kimbell, Modern, Cowgirl, Sid Richardson and Civil War, along with many interesting smaller museums. The Fort Worth Cats provide inexpensive, but comfortable and fun, entertainment at LaGrave Field, and they've won three straight league championships. The Texas Rangers provide comfortable and fun entertainment in Arlington.

3. Communicate with the other parent. A simple statement, it is nevertheless really hard for many parents to do. Communication involves sending (speaking, writing, emailing, etc.) and receiving (listening) messages and understanding what was conveyed. Life can be a lot better when the parents are talking and listening with each other and coordinating plans instead of trying to put their children in the middle of a tug of war. Theoretically, it is not hard to tell the other parent about plans for summer activity or sports classes, school schedules, start of the school year activities, kids' work plans, car/transportation issues, and sports and other extra-curricular activities. The trick is to talk with each other (respectfully) before your knee starts jerking. The knee-jerk reaction is to either ignore or tune out the other parent while mentally revisiting past arguments. A lot of problems can be avoided when the parties just talk with each other on a regular basis and share what's going on with their child.

4. Cooperate on health issues. At this time of year, parents learn about, or remember, needing to get physicals, dental exams, shots and medicine for their kids. The month of August is often difficult for scheduling medical or dental appointments. Parents should work together to get the appointments made as early as possible and they should be flexible in scheduling their time with the children. Both parents should be willing to take the kids to doctor's appointments, etc. Neither parent should engage in "offensive scheduling" -- trying to schedule appointments to disrupt the other parent's plans or to create scheduling problems or deplete the other parent's time with the children. Parents should play fair and share the commitment to obtain whatever is needed to start the school year.

5. Leave a week's cushion just before school starts. Don't schedule much for the last week before school starts. There will always be last-minute issues that will require immediate and sustained attention. New requirements will be discovered and plans will change. Don't plan to take the kids out of town that last week. They need to be rested and adjusted to the schedule they will be following during the school year. It's a good idea to start to impose the bed time and wake-up schedule of the school year so that the kids get used to it.

If parents will try out these simple ideas, they will find the month of August to be more peaceful, fun and productive for themselves and the children.

Divorce and Family Law in Tarrant County, Texas Blog Honored

The Divorce and Family Law in Tarrant County, Texas Blog received an honor today when it was commended in a post in "Golden Practices", an outstanding blog written by Michelle Golden. Here is a link to the notice. It is a very nice recognition that is greatly appreciated. Golden Practices is a highly respected blog focusing on marketing for CPAs, lawyers and other service professionals. I enjoyed reading her work regularly even before she wrote about my blog. We sincerely appreciate her kind review which follows.

"How to Do a Good Professional Blog

I'm just so impressed with Texas. Texans are known for their big hearts, big ideas, and being a bit rebellious, so maybe it's no accident that some of the best professional service firm blogs come from the Lone Star State whose motto is "friendship."
Lawyers are still far ahead of accountants in using social media to promote themselves. Somewhere between 2000-3000 attorneys blog and, by contrast, fewer than 100 licensed accountants blog; only 51 seem to be practicing accountants sharing the type of content that would be of interest to clients.
All these blogs cover the gamut in their quality. Who's doing it really well?

DEFINING "GREAT BLOG"

Ultimately, a successful blog attracts attention that escalates the firm's value.
When content is worthy of notice by others, lots of things can happen; any or all of these things are measures of success.

The blog makes people want to hire the author.Content displays character, philosophy, integrity, values, humor, and/or personality, or just plain old wisdom. Bottom line: the blog differentiates the PEOPLE at the firm.

The blog provides thoughts, ideas and tools. Content shows that author(s) are, without a doubt, true experts, thought leaders, or simply well-informed and current in their topic areas. Bottom line: the blog differentiates the level of SPECIALIZATION of the people at the firm.

The blog attracts media or trade-related attention. Content that is insightful, creative, controversial, or just exceptional quality, positions the authors as experts. Bottom line: the blog is quote-worthy and authors are SOUGHT OUT to contribute their thought leadership in other ways such as speaking, articles, etc.

EXAMPLES

Instead of trying to describe the different ways to achieve these things with a blog, I'd rather just show you two fabulous examples of credibility-building, information-providing, darn good blogs, both of which happen to be authored by Texans!

Divorce and Family Law in Tarrant County, Texas

Dick Price's blog reflects personality and conveys his expertise. Just reading three or four posts and I'm sold. For instance, his content in "Divorce 'No-No's': Don't Drag Kids Into the Divorce" helps anyone be a better parent though it is geared to assist parents in going through divorce with greater integrity and focus (no small thing).

His tone and selection of his content, even when originally from other sources, helps me understand his approach in his legal practice. Dick's blog suggests what kind of a lawyer he is in a way that a brochure just can't do.

His peers appreciate his blog (lawyers are great referral sources to each other) and reference it liberally. And internet users in marital crisis can easily find him, begin benefiting from his advice right off, and can actually see his practice philosophy in action. Those in Texas are more inclined to call him than a random name in the phone book.

Healthcare blog by Reed Tinsley (CPA) of Houston, Texas

Still a top example of an effective CPA niche blog is Reed Tinsley's. His blog aggregates HC news and resources in the categories of Human Resources, Managed Care, Medicare, Personal Finance, Practice Management, Practice Mergers, Regulatory, Taxes and Misc.
His choice of content, much of it from outside sources, reflects that he's in touch with his reader's needs, really wants to help them, and is qualified to! It generates a good flow of business for him.
I don't think Reed misses a day (though posting daily is not requisite!). His blog has tremendous readership by a broad spectrum of people associated with the HC profession (referral sources!!). For good reason: it makes their lives easier by filtering and posting the most relevant stuff.
Reed is doing a great service to others by sharing through his blog. If you're a practitioner (law or accounting) serving the HC profession, you, too, would benefit from following Reed's blog! That says something, doesn't it?
24/7/365

Both of these Texans benefit from 24/7/365 marketing of the very best kind. It's as personal as you can get without actually meeting.

I hope these two examples inspire you (if you're a non-blogger) to consider how having a blog could help your convey who you are and how much you care about what you do.

THE HIGHEST COMPLIMENT

When you are a professional who is blogging, you KNOW you're doing it right when your peers (even competitors) read and link to your blog! That is the ultimate praise.

August 04, 2008 in Professional Firm Blogs Permalink "

8 Reasons Why You Should Get A Prenuptial Agreement

Thanks to Michael Sherman's Alabama Family Law Blog, I saw a great post that originated in the Prenuptial Agreements blog. That blog is obviously very specialized and seems to cover the subject from many different angles. I recommend that anyone thinking about a prenuptial agreement read through the various posts on different aspects of prenuptial agreements. The following is the post that originally appeared in the Prenuptial Agreements blog.

"A prenuptial agreement is an agreement between two people that deals with the financial consequences of their marriage ending.
All marrying couples have a 'prenuptial agreement' - it is known as 'divorce law.' However, a lot of people are unhappy with the way divorce law works, and prefer to take control of their lives, rather than leave it in the hands of the government. In these cases, it makes a lot of sense to get a customized prenup.

Getting a prenuptial agreement is particularly important in these 8 cases:

1. You are much wealthier than your partner. A prenuptial agreement can ensure that your partner is marrying you for who you are, and not for your money.

2. You earn much more than your partner. A prenuptial agreement can be used in many states to limit the amount of alimony that is payable.

3. You are remarrying. When you remarry, your legal and financial concerns are often very different than in your first marriage. You may have children from a previous marriage, support obligations, and own a home or other significant assets. A prenuptial agreement can ensure that when you pass away, your assets are distributed according to your wishes, and that neither your first family, nor your new family are cut off.

4. Your partner has a high debt load. If you are marrying someone with a significant debt load, and don't want to be responsible for these debts if your marriage ends, then a prenuptial agreement can help ensure that this does not happen.

5. You own part of a business. Without a prenuptial agreement, when your marriage ends, your spouse could end up owning a share of your business. Your business partners may not want this to happen. A prenup can ensure that your spouse does not become an unwanted partner in your business.

6. To prevent your spouse from overturning your estate plan. A prenuptial agreement can ensure that you estate plan works, and, for instance, ensure that a specific heirloom remains in your family.

7. You are much poorer than your partner. Just as a prenuptial agreement can be used to protect a spouse who is well off, a prenup can also be used to ensure that the partner who is weaker financially is protected.

8. If you plan to quit your job to raise children. Quitting your job will negatively impact your income and your wealth. A prenuptial agreement can ensure that the financial burden of raising the children is shared fairly by both partners."

If any of these situations apply, you should contact an attorney right away to discuss whether a prenuptial agreement is advantageous in your situation. There are many considerations to make in deciding whether to pursue or oppose an agreement, but the presence of one of these conditions should make you stop and think about the possibility of negotiating an agreement. Even discussing the issue with your fiance can lead to hurt feelings and stress at a sometimes very difficult time in your life, so proceed cautiously. But do consider taking action for the reasons listed above. If you don't act in time, you can always consider a post-nuptial agreement, but that might be harder to get your new spouse to agree to. The best course is to act before you get married.

Engagements Should be Taken Seriously!

A Florida court has recently accepted a jury verdict awarding a woman $150,000.00 against her former fiance who had ended their engagement. Here is a link to the story. Apparently, the woman had given up a high paying job and made other sacrifices to move the the city in Florida where her fiance lived. The verdict was somewhat unusual because engagements are broken off all the time and there's rarely any litigation over it. The promise to marry is not usually the basis for a good law suit. The ex-fiance plans to appeal, so we'll have to wait a while for the final word.

Why Parents Fight Over Custody -- 20 Quick Reasons

Custody fights occur probably more frequently than they need to during divorces. Many factors and forces come into play and result in litigation over child custody. Here are some of the common reasons why parents may engage in a custody fight. Anyone going through a divorce and contemplating a custody fight should take some time to realistically assess their motivation and the probability of success in a custody fight. If you are thinking about beginning a custody fight, take a minute and look at the following list. Mark the reason or reasons for your consideration of a custody fight. Dig below the surface and be honest! Think about which reasons are really good and appropriate reasons for contesting custody.

1. The parent has a sincere belief that he/she is the better parent.

2. A wife may want to avoid the embarrassment of being a mother who doesn't have custody of her child.

3. The parent may be really mad at the other parent, often on an issue not at all related to kids. It's a way to really demonstrate anger and get a response.

4. One parent may use the fight to punish the other parent. It's an opportunity to say some really bad and hurtful things about the other spouse. It may seem like an easy way to get revenge.

5. It can be an easy way to control the other parent. Getting started in a custody fight usually involves a great deal of court or agency oversight. Just making some allegations will produce a "lock-down" approach where severe restrictions can be imposed on the other party.

6. A custody fight, or even the threat of one, can help a parent gain a strategic concession on some other issue, i.e. property division. The reward for giving up a custody fight (even one that was surely a loser) may be some substantial assets given up by the other parent.

7. Amazingly, some parents will try to win custody primarily to avoid paying child support. Those parents obviously have not been very involved in raising kids.

8. Sometimes, there's a fight because a parent doesn't like the proposed visitation scheme. That's a "nothing to lose" approach. If the visitation schedule won't work, maybe having custody will.

9. The parent can't imagine being away from the child.

10. Family pressure may provoke a custody fight where a parent might not have tried it if the parent had been left alone.

11. Religious reasons, i.e. how the child is to be raised, may be the motivation of a deeply committed parent if the other parent does not share the beliefs or depth of beliefs of the first parent.

12. Mental or emotional issues of the parent wanting custody may lead to the action. Sometimes, a parent does not view the world in the same way that most of society does. A person with a maladjusted point of view may feel compelled to seek custody when objective and well-grounded parents would not.

13. A desire to maintain an active parenting role could be the motivation. Of course, there are many different ways to be an active, involved parent.

14. When there's a strong disagreement about the care-taking plans for the child, a custody fight can easily develop.

15. A parent may seek custody if there is a belief that the parent has superior resources for taking care of the child, i.e. the parent has more money and can afford to provide a better home, better schools and better opportunities for the child.

16. A mom may believe that the mother should always have custody.

17. A parent may believe that the child is more bonded to one of the parents.

18. The custody fight may just be an effort to financially ruin the other spouse.

19. Trying to win custody may be an effort to avoid having the child around the other spouse's family.

20. Sometimes, one parent may just enjoy fighting with the other parent.

Which of these is your motivation? Which ones do you think are good reasons for a custody fight? I think 1, 8, 11, 13, 14, 15 and 17 are appropriate reasons in some circumstances. What do you think? In addition to the costs involved, think about what your true, underlying reasons are for seeking custody. There may be some much better long-term alternatives available which you and your attorney can come up with.

Untraditional Custody Plans

A small article in the July 6, 2008 Parade magazine had some interesting comments about fathers' roles with their children after a divorce. The story mentioned the obvious, that many fathers lose contact with their children after a divorce and that most fathers are given the right to see their children two weekends a month and a few hours during the week. The Texas standard possession schedule is actually more generous than what Parade mentioned, but it still constitutes a huge change for those fathers who are used to seeing and interacting with their children every day.

There were two alternatives mentioned in the article that were interesting. One, which is becoming more common, is to have equal time. It used to be that judges would never consider that. Now, however, there seems to be more openness to such an approach. "Equal time" is easy to discuss in the abstract, but can be complicated when day care, homework, school activities and extra-curricular activities are factored in. Sometimes, religious activities also complicate matters. It's probably too early to say that there is a consensus that such a time sharing is good or bad for the kids or that both parents like the arrangement. Trying such an approach would require a lot of cooperation and maturity with the parents. Living close together would also be helpful. If parents really think they want to try to share time equally, they would be well advised to bring in a child specialist who could help them work through the practical details and adjustments that would be required for success.

Another possibility is to set a proportionate schedule where each parent has the children about the same amount of time that they were with the children when the couple was together. Of course, there are some potential difficulties with that approach. The parties would need to live near each other, preferably in the same school district, so there wouldn't be much travel time. Another complication is when one or both parents change jobs, or start working, which could affect the time availability for the parents. Also, a parent may not have been able to spend much time with the children for a period just before the separation, but now is able and wanting to spend more time with the children.

A complication under both approaches is how to handle child support. Sometimes, with equal time, neither party pays child support; many such parents refuse to pay child support because the other parent does not have "primary possession" of the children. In other cases, child support is figured for each parent and then the higher-income parent pays the difference (or half the difference) in the two amounts to the other parent.

Other issues to be resolved include the right to the tax exemptions for the children and the right to make certain essential decisions, such as medical care and education, for the children.

How to be a successful custody innovator:

1. Don't limit yourself to preconceived ideas or standard approaches.

2. At the same time, even though a particular plan may have worked for someone you know, don't assume that it will automatically work for you.

3. The parents must communicate well with each other for a major time-sharing arrangement to work.

4. Parents must be willing to live near each other and have a lot of contact after the divorce.

5. Counseling or co-parenting classes can help foster the right parental attitudes.

6. Parents probably need to consult with a child specialist to work out the details, especially if they try something really exotic. Keep in mind the children's ages and emotional development.

7. Always check with your attorney to find out if your judge is likely to accept what you are proposing.

Hopefully, you will come up with an appropriate, effective, comfortable plan for sharing time with your children in a less stressful and more supportive atmosphere for them.

Learn the Different Styles of Divorce Lawyers

Thanks to the mention by Stephen Worrell of the Georgia Family Law Blog, I saw Michael Sherman's post on the different styles of attorneys that are involved in family law cases. I have previously written on how some people do themselves a disservice by searching for "the meanest" lawyer in town, instead of looking for the most knowledgeable, experienced or effective lawyer for the particular type of case. Anyway, the following is Michael's original post, with an introduction by Stephen. As you will see, Michael has done a great job discussing the merits of each style of lawyering. It is interesting, and not surprising, that some people react the same way to family stress, whether they live in Atlanta, Mobile or Fort Worth.

"Michael Sherman of the Alabama Family Law Blog has posted a truly insightful article about the different styles of divorce attorneys. Like Michael, I am frequently asked by prospective divorce clients if I will be aggressive... or a pit bull... or a shark. They phrase it differently. But, many folks facing divorce think that what they need is the most aggressive divorce lawyer in Marietta, or Atlanta or in Georgia (or whatever jurisdiction they happen to be in).
Here is Michael's article:"

"In my years of divorce practice I have seen lots of lawyers handle divorce cases. There are as many different styles as there are different lawyers. But, I have also noticed three recurring styles of lawyer in particular. I call them the lamb, the pit bull and the fox.
"The lamb is the lawyer that just sort of goes with the flow. They are reactive, not proactive. They want to avoid confrontation at all costs and that means they also want to avoid going to court at all costs, even if it means convincing their clients to settle for significantly worse terms than they should. The lamb may even be afraid to try the divorce case. He will rarely, if ever, tell his client that he should not sign a settlement offer that is being extended from the other side even if that offer is clearly inequitable. Thankfully, there are not a lot of lambs that last very long as divorce lawyers.

"Much more prevalent is the pit bull, who is exactly the opposite. They hate to settle cases. In fact, some of them won’t do anything proactive to try to settle their divorce cases. It is almost as if they take some type of perverse joy in seeing the “blood running in the streets.” The truth is that often they do this simply to develop and maintain a reputation as “Bad Leroy Brown…baddest man in the whole damn town.” When a spouse is angry and in the emotional stage of wanting to exact revenge, they want to be the name on everyone’s lips when that aggrieved spouse asks their neighbor who is the meanest SOB in town. And, so they work hard to maintain that reputation because it makes them a lot of money.

"The sad part is that acting like a pit bull is rarely, if ever, in their own client’s best interests. Of course, the pit bull’s main concern is not their client. If you know anything about pit bulls, you will know that they are very aggressive and vicious. But, they are not thinking animals. They act only on instinct. When they fight, they not only destroy the dog they are fighting, but by their own actions hurt themselves and anything else around them (which often includes their own client’s and their client’s children).

"The pit bull is aggressive for the sake of being aggressive, not for any long-term benefit it brings their client. Often people going through divorce will think they need an aggressive lawyer to represent them in their divorce. They are wrong. What they need is a lawyer who is assertive. There is a difference. It is the difference between the pit bull and the fox.
"The fox is wise and cunning. He sees the big picture. The fox is assertive when he needs to be, compromising when it benefits his clients’ long-term best interests, and always aware of the many different consequences his actions have on his clients. He stands on principle. Yet, he is a strong advocate for his client when it promotes his client’s long-term best interests. He recognizes that reaching a fair settlement is always preferable to trying the case and leaving it up to the judge. Yet, he also knows that if a fair settlement is not forthcoming, then he must be willing and able to prepare to effectively litigate the case in court.

"When choosing a divorce lawyer, you should avoid the lamb and the pit bull at all costs. Instead, find yourself a fox."

Keeping in Touch with Your Lawyer

In almost every attorney-client relationship, the two parties need to have an understanding about how they will communicate with each other. Most attorneys have preferred means of communication, such as email, voice mail, scheduled phone conferences, etc. Clients usually have some systems that they prefer or may be more comfortable with. It's a good idea to have a discussion at the beginning of the attorney-client relationship as to how the parties will exchange information. Here are some approaches to consider and discuss. This is intended to be like a checklist, rather than some cutting-edge new information. The point is that the attorney and client need to start off with a clear idea about how much communication is needed or wanted and which method or methods would work best for the parties in this case. Here are some possibilities.

• Email. It's fast, cheap and it can be saved. Most people are comfortable with it, but some are not. It's a great way to send documents as well.
• Land Line Telephone. These seem to be disappearing, but for people who still have them, they are a convenient and dependable way to talk or leave a message (assuming there's an answer machine or voice mail).
• Cell Phone. It seems like almost everyone has one, but some people don't, or can't, have them turned on all the time. There are also sometimes problems with reception or dropped calls. I will not answer my cell phone (and often don't have it turned on) when I am at a meeting, when I'm at court, when I am with another client or if I am on the phone with someone else. (I also don't interrupt meals for phone calls.) Cell phones can be very convenient and for many people, they are the primary means of contact.
• Texting. While not everyone texts, more and more are doing it and it can be a quick and efficient means of communicating. It doesn't take a lot of expensive training, either. If the adults don't know how to text, almost any kid can teach them how to.
• Voice Mail at an Office. Almost any attorney's office will have a voice mail system that works well. Sometimes it is much easier to leave a long message on the voice mail than it is to write or use other methods. The key is to leave a detailed message and not just say, "I returned your call" or "Call me". Ask a question or leave information.
• Rely on Office Staff. There are many times when an attorney is tied up in court, is in a meeting or is just behind closed doors giving full attention to working on a project and can't be interrupted. Sometimes a client has a message which doesn't require talking directly to the attorney. In those situations, having the client talk directly with the staff in the office is the most efficient and effective means of communication. There are many questions that an experienced staff member can answer quickly for the client. Having a good relationship between the staff and a client makes communication easier for everyone.
• Snail Mail. Most attorneys still rely on regular U.S. Mail to send notices and copies of documents. More and more, attorneys use email, but almost everyone uses regular mail for some things. Make sure your attorney has a good postal address for you. Bonus Tip: If you get a letter, please be sure you open it and deal with whatever it discusses.
• Third Parties for Messages. I like to get the the name, address and phone number of a (preferably local) person who can always get a message to you. It's a low-tech backup system for me in case I'm not aware when your address, phone number, email, etc. have changed. (It happens.)

The list here is intended to help you think about the best way to keep in touch with your attorney. If your fee arrangement involves hourly charges by the attorney, you can probably save money by talking with the staff, instead of the attorney, or by using some of the other processes. However, there are times when the attorney and client just need to talk, so use whatever method works to set that up. One way to do that is to make a telephone appointment to speak at a specific date and time. If you have trouble getting in touch with the attorney, work with the staff to arrange the call. With as many options as there are, you should be able to find an approach that is workable for you and your attorney.