Got Skeletons in Your Closet?

During this Halloween season, we often see skeletons as decorations for parties or businesses or for Trick-or-Treaters. We see so many that they usually lose their fright-invoking powers. It's all in fun for a good time.

However, in other contexts, skeletons in a closet can be a real problem.

What are they?
Politicians and public figures worry that bad behavior may be found out any time of the year. It's sometimes said that everyone has some skeleton in their closet -- something that could be embarrassing, illegal or just private, that they wouldn't want other people to know about. Sometimes the skeletons are from current activities or they might be indiscretions from their youth. Hopefully, the skeletons won't be massive or involving major liability in terms of criminal laws or civil damages.

Skeletons in family law contexts
In family law matters, skeletons sometimes come into play. They can be big or small. Quite often, they get built up in someone's mind so that they appear to that person to be huge, when in fact, they are not a big deal at all. On the other hand, some things really are big deals. Arnold had a huge skeleton uncovered when his love child was discovered. Affairs can become not just a skeleton, but an albatross around someone's neck, to mix metaphors. Criminal activities, financial mismanagement and addictions are all serious issues that can have a major impact on divorces and other family law litigation. In most divorces, there's something each side would prefer to keep quiet or, preferably, unknown. But it always seems to get out!

What should you do?
Rule #1: Tell your lawyer. Don't be worried about whether your lawyer won't like you or respect you. Chances are, your attorney has heard and seen much worse. One thing lawyers hate is to be surprised by the other side. Don't let your attorney first learn about the skeleton by hearing the other side break the news. Prepare your attorney with all the facts. Believe it or not, attorneys can usually put bad news into context and minimize it, if given the chance. If your counsel first hears some bad news as it is being drug out of you, there's not much the lawyer can do for you.

Quick Summary:

Lawyers Don't Like Surprises!

You need to tell your attorney the bad facts as well as the good ones so he/she has a chance to help you. You need to let the skeletons out of the closet.

Using Technology to Stay in Contact*

*A soon-to-be-obsolete checklist of new tools that you can use to stay in touch with your kids and other family member. (Please help by sending your comments with new ideas!)

When families split up, there's always a challenge in staying in contact with each other. Mostly, this is an issue for parents, grandparents and children, but it can also come up when parents are trying to coordinate their activities with their children. For our younger readers, these may not be big news. For the more "experienced" readers, this may provide some new tools to help.

Without further ado, here's a list of 10 relatively new "tools" you can use. I will mention some brand names, but I have no financial connection to any of them. They are simply things I have run across that seemed helpful, not too expensive and easy to work with. These suggestions apply whether the family members live in the same city, across the county, across the state or across the country.

1. An on-line calendar. Google has a calendar that is easily accessible and fairly easy to work with. In addition, there is at least one private company, Our Family Wizard, which provides a calendar that is popular and seems to work well. I'm sure there are several more such calendar systems and there will be even more. Just look around on line to find one you like.

2. Texting. This has become very common-place and is close to universal. It completely eliminates the old need to have scheduled times when children had to be home to receive a phone call from their parents. Instead, we can have frequent, short and more normal contact -- once you learn the abbreviations.

3. Cell phones. Similarly, this eliminates formal phone calls and allows frequent and fun informal contact between parents and children.

4. Email. This is probably better suited to older children and certainly for adults. It is easily eclipsing snail mail, but younger kids may choose other systems for their messages.

5. Skype. You can sign up for this and then have visual phone calls with your family and friends. Most new computers will have a camera, or you can easily find a very inexpensive camera to attach to your computer if it doesn't have one.

6. Blogs. It is easy to create a family blog that is not public. You can have it restricted to only specified people (parents, grandparents, children, cousins, etc.) and restrict the password. On the blog, you and family members could report on trips, events and activities. It could be like an annual holiday newsletter, but updated much more frequently. Different people can be given permission to write on the blog, so you can get a variety of personal perspectives. You can post photos as well. There are a number of free platforms for setting up blogs, including Blogger (Google) and WordPress. They are very easy to set up and require almost no technical knowledge. You would want to carefully protect your privacy with the settings.

7. Photo sharing. There are several photos sharing sites available for free, and you can use Facebook and email. Getting in the habit of taking photos with a cell phone (or a camera) and then immediately sharing them with family can be a great way to stay closely connected.

8. Facebook. You can keep up with current events and photos and you can send direct messages to your Friends. Facebook is very easy to learn and use, although you have to watch out for their frequent changes and you should carefully manage your privacy settings. Also, keep in mind that most of what you post will be visible to a large group of people, so think before you post. Google now has a version, so be prepared to work in both systems.

9. YouTube videos. It is easy to set up a YouTube account for yourself and YouTube has videos explaining how to do almost anything. If you need help understanding or implementing any suggestions in this post, just look for a YouTube video to learn how. You and your family members can post videos of yourselves and others, which can make it easy to keep up with each other.

10. Scan and send. Scanners are cheap and easy to use now, so you can capture photos or documents and then send them by email or post them on various sites. If you need to talk about vacation plans, for example, you can send information this way.

How to Get Started:
For more details on these various options, including how to do it, a good starting place would be YouTube. If you want to read about any of these, use Google or other search engines and look up the key words (the titles of the 10 methods, for example).

Now for Your Part:
Please send your suggestions and new tools to share with others who may be trying to maintain a distant relationship. Many of these ideas are not terribly new, but they are new additions to traditional post-divorce communications. I expect there will always be newer and better ways to communicate and your ideas can help many other people. Please send your comments with suggestions and products you have used or learned about. Thanks for sharing!

Planning Ahead for the Holidays

If you look at a calendar, it's only early October, but if you look in a lot of stores, they are running out of Halloween decorations and have had some Christmas stuff out for quite a while. Stores seem to run on a faster calendar than most of us use.

Nevertheless, this is really a good time to look ahead to the holidays coming up in November and December. While we only recently had our last 100 degree day here in North Texas, it won't be long before the weather cools and family holiday disputes heat up. Fortunately, there are some things you can do to minimize holiday stress in divorced or divorcing families. Here are my suggestions:

1. Start by looking at the court order or agreement. While there are some standardized possession schedules we use in Texas, they are often customized, particularly in temporary orders and in Collaborative Law agreements. Often, the schedules change every other year, so you should begin by confirming which schedule applies this year.

2. Give any notices now that are required. Sure, it's early, but it will help you and other family members to start working on scheduling. There's no harm in giving proper notices 30 or 60 days ahead. It will allow adjustments or corrections, if they are needed.

3. Start making travel plans. We all know that buying tickets early usually gets the best prices. Actually, it might have been better to get your November-December tickets back in August or September. Don't wait any longer for the best deals!

4. Start negotiating early if you need to change the schedule or any details. That allows time for the other side to think about your request and time to make changes before their plans are set in stone. Plus, sometimes it takes a while to negotiate, and this gives you the time you may need.

5. Be willing to adjust your plans around the schedule and needs of the kids and the other parent. Being able to compromise will normally result in a bigger pay-back later. Being unwilling to compromise may result in a big pay-back later of a different kind.

6. Meet with your lawyer early for answers and preparation, if necessary. I can assure you that your lawyer will appreciate an early start before the courts get clogged up with last-minute custody and visitation fights. Going to court early, before the holiday season, will give you a better chance of being heard by a judge who has time to listen to you. Sometimes the courts shut down near the holidays and sometimes they get overwhelmed by hearings. If you have something important to be decided, you want the judge to have the time to give you a good hearing.

7. Whatever schedule you end up following, be sure the kids know about it well in advance. It can be fun just telling the kids about what they will be doing. You can set the tone with positive expectations for the kids by being encouraging no matter whether the kids are with you or the other parent. On the other hand, if the kids are facing doing something that is not their favorite, you can help them get over it so it doesn't ruin the holiday. Be careful how and what you tell the children. Take the high road and help them see the positive side.

Take a little time now to review your situation and make plans for the holidays. That will allow you to have a much more enjoyable and less stressful holiday season!

7 Tips for Dealing with Debt

Even before the current prolonged economic downturn, many divorces ended up focusing on how to manage the community debt. Some married couples are fortunate and keep debt to a minimum, but a more common scenario is that the marital debt is a significant issue to be addressed either in court or in settlement.

If you are using the Collaborative Law process to resolve a divorce, you will probably work with a neutral divorce financial planner. In litigated divorces, we sometimes bring in a financial planner to work with one side in the case, and sometimes each party hires their own advisor. Working with an expert like that is invaluable in analyzing tax consequences and preparing financial strategies for negotiations or for court.

With or without a financial advisor, here are some suggestions to consider in dealing with debt issues in a divorce.

1. Be realistic. Have an outsider, like a certified divorce financial planner, review your situation and make suggestions. Don't over-commit or be over-optimistic. Your lifestyle will probably be lower post-divorce and it may take a while to get back on your feet. If you're in a hole, plan to take some time to work your way out. Don't try to do it overnight.

2. Go solo and end joint accounts, if possible. Don't pay off and close your individual credit accounts. Make payments, but keep them open. On the other hand, try to close out any joint accounts so that you will not be affected by your ex-spouse's future payment history, or lack thereof. You need to separate your finances, just like you do the other parts of your life.

3. Don't rely on your spouse. It may take you a while to transition to full separation and independence, but you should continuously work for that. Your spouse may have good intentions, but things like a job loss, health problems or a new relationship, among other things, can come along, and suddenly financial performance doesn't match their pre-divorce words. As soon as possible, you need to be independent. Get an expert, if necessary, to help you come up with your own plan.

4. Close out joint bank accounts. For a while, they might be a way for the spouses to show their trust and commitment to each other, but that changes over time. You both need to be independent. There are plenty of ways with electronic banking to make quick payments and transfers, so you don't need joint accounts. Having separate accounts also improves your security and eliminates any temptation to get financial revenge of the spouse.

5. Refinance you mortgage, if you qualify. You can save money, build separate credit and help your ex-spouse rest easier at night. It also gives you more financial privacy.

6. First, pay off the smaller credit cards in your name. You should also continue making payments on all your cards, but concentrate on the smaller ones and knock them off as soon as you can by making extra payments. Generally, it's usually better to keep the cards open after they are paid off.

7. As a last resort, you can consider filing for bankruptcy. For that decision, you should consult with a bankruptcy specialist. Most family law attorneys in North Texas don't handle bankruptcies. Just like you should hire a family law specialist for a divorce, you should look for a bankruptcy specialist to help you evaluate your circumstances. There are serious consequences to filing for bankruptcy, so consider carefully as a last resort.

Divorce can be devastating on finances, but it doesn't have to be. Careful planning, taking a conservative path and getting expert assistance will help you make the right decisions on debts and other financial issues.

For some additional ideas, see an excellent article called, "Know How to Get Debt Free after Divorce" by Amy Lewis in Ben Stevens' South Carolina Family Law Blog (always a good source) from August 8, 2011.

Fighting for Custody in a Paternity Case

Children are born out of wedlock under a variety of circumstances. Sometimes there's a long-term relationship, sometimes a one-night stand. Sometimes the father is involved all the way and sometimes the father isn't informed until months or years after the child's birth. Some fathers choose not to be involved and try to avoid responsibility. Other fathers try to be as involved as the mother will permit. Some unmarried parents work very well together, some don't get along at all, and others can set up a plan and follow it, even when the parents don't really like each other.

Obviously, there are many different circumstances when a child is brought into the world with parents who aren't married. One factor that almost always appears is a court order to officially establish who the father is and then set child support and terms of access to the child. It will also allocate the rights of parents between the two parents. All together, that amounts to a custody determination.

In most cases where a child is born out of wedlock, the child ends up with the mom who has most of the significant parental rights and has the child the majority of the time. The father usually is ordered to pay child support and has visitation rights. In the future, child support and visitation often become repetitive sources of conflict between the parents.

In a few cases, the father of the baby decides to try to win custody of the child. For the fathers who are considering such actions, here are some issues to consider.

1. Do you really want the responsibility that goes with having primary custody? Or do you just want a lot of time with the child? Do you want decision-making powers, or want to share them, or does that matter to you? What are your underlying goals or needs? These are questions you should answer and discuss with your attorney.

2. Are you prepared to take primary care of a child? Do you have the knowledge and experience to be able to deal with your child's needs in an age-appropriate manner? You can certainly learn, but there are a lot of things you will need to do that you may not intuitively know.

3. How do you compare to the other parent on parenting issues? Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. A judge will be evaluating both parents to determine who has the best skills, experience and attitude for taking care of a child. If possible, you should be able to demonstrate your competence as a parent.

4. If you haven't been the primary caregiver, why should the court switch to you? That's really a key question. Even if this may be the first official custody determination for your child, there is a natural tendency to view it as an issue of whether custody should be modified or changed, if one parent has had significant time where she has been the primary or only parent involved. You need to have some powerful reasons why the court should upset the living arrangements. It's not always best to leave a child where he/she has been, but it is common for a judge to start with a preference to not change a stable arrangement.

5. Ultimately, what is in the child's best interest? That is, absolutely, the bottom-line issue. You need to be able to articulate what the child's best interest is and why you are in the best position to help meet your child's actual needs.

If you are considering fighting for custody for a child born out of wedlock, you should think carefully before you start the fight. Try to figure out what your real underlying interests are. Don't get stuck just thinking about possible solutions. What are your strengths and weaknesses? Are you prepared for a tough, expensive and emotional fight? Think and analyze before you act. Get counsel from wise family members and friends, but lean heavily on the advice of an experienced family law attorney who has seen and been involved in such cases in the past.

Remember to look before you leap!

Choosing a Compatible Attorney

Family law litigation is one of the most serious and important activities you can participate in. A few people try to handle such matters without an attorney, but that is generally ill advised. The issues are rarely simple and common sense often isn't enough to navigate through the court system.

If you are facing divorce or other family law litigation, you have to decide either to hire an attorney to assist you or to take a chance on handling the matter yourself. People who haven't worked with lawyers before often struggle in finding the right attorney for their situation. If you are in that situation, here are some tips for choosing the right attorney.

1. Have your objectives in mind. You need to look at the big picture first. In broad terms, what are your needs or concerns? For example, do you want...

• A fair outcome: property division, custody, visitation or child support terms that are reasonably equal or proportionate.
• To punish your spouse. You may want retribution if your spouse cheated on you, which could happen in various ways.
• An easy divorce. You may not want to fight over things.
• A cheap divorce. You might need to keep the cost as low as possible.
• A money-is-no-object divorce. For the record, from my point of view, that is virtually always a mistake. People almost always come to their senses and put the brakes on the spending.
• To slow down. You may not be emotionally ready for divorce and you may want to slow down the process and draw out the procedures.
• Get it over quickly. You may be ready to finish the divorce even before it's filed. (FYI -- you can't do that.)
• Need help starting over. You may have accepted the idea of getting a divorce, but you may not be fully prepared for your new life. Maybe you need time, training, income, new job, a place to live, etc. Starting a new life is not easy.
• A Collaborative divorce. You may want to work with a Collaborative Law team to have a civilized, private divorce where you find creative solutions to your issues. You would need a trained Collaborative lawyer for this.
  

2. Get recommendations and research on line. Every attorney should have a web site by now. Look for ratings that are available from various source. Check for useful information on the web site about the issues that concern you. Look at their qualifications. Are they Board Certified? How much experience do they have? If the attorney has written anything that is published on line, read it to get a feel for the attorney. Do you like what you read?

3. Meet with one or more attorneys. Have a clear idea of what outcome you are looking for. Write down questions in advance and take them with you. Observe whether the attorney listens to you or just talks about himself or herself. Make sure there's good chemistry. Do you feel comfortable with the attorney? Make sure the attorney fees are compatible with your budget as well.

Conclusions:

• There are many good attorneys available with different pricing and different approaches. You won't hurt the attorney's feelings if you choose someone else. You have the right to choose whomever you want. You don't have to choose the first one you see or hear about. Shop around. It's OK to interview several and then decide.
• Make sure the attorney's approach is consistent with what you want. You probably shouldn't hire an attorney who listens a little and then starts telling you what you want.
• Make sure the chemistry feels right. The intangible factors can make a big difference. If something doesn't feel right, go with that feeling. Likewise, if you feel very comfortable with an attorney, that's a good reason to hire that one.
  

Finding an attorney who is compatible with you is a key element in obtaining the best possible outcome for you in family law litigation.

Starting Over Later in Life

A common situation for some people, especially Baby Boomers, going through a Collaborative or litigated divorce is the need for one spouse to re-join the workforce. Often, although not always, the wife is suddenly facing the need to earn a living after years of being a stay-at-home mom and raising children. Sometimes she has work experience from years ago, but that is often outdated or she may have lost interest or connection with that career. As a result, the out-of-the-workforce spouse must face the daunting task of reinventing herself in the workplace so she can be self-supporting. Unfortunately, there seems to be little guidance readily available to help people in that situation, and "the law" doesn't provide much help, other than alimony, which is usually pretty limited.

So, what should someone do facing that challenge? There are so many unknowns involved, it would be helpful to break up your efforts into small steps. And don't just jump to the end. Work through the process so you know where you are going and know it's the right direction. Here are some ideas:

How to Start a New Career

1. Know yourself. Make an inventory of yourself. Analyze your skills, experience, interests, strengths and weaknesses, tolerance for risk, willingness to be self employed or to work for someone else, training, hobbies, income requirements, comfort with technology and the amount of time available for working. Sometimes, it even helps to ask close friends or relatives what they think might be appropriate for you. They may have some very perceptive observations that would be helpful. You could also see a counselor who can help you identify skills and interests.

2. Research possibilities. Look into various industries and jobs that might fit with your skills, experience or interest. Figure out where some appropriate jobs might be located and what the requirements would be for you to do that work. Will you need training or certification or other qualifications? Is a college degree required? You need to create a target -- the type of job, location, pay, hours, etc. -- so you will know what you are looking for. It will also help you figure out where to look for your job. A counselor may also be able to point you to some resources.

3. Improve yourself. There will always be some things that you can or should do to improve yourself to be more marketable and more productive at work. Here are some ideas:

Research first. Find out what you need to learn and then arrange to get the training. Don't wait until you apply for the job. Get the training now so you will be more marketable.

Be an Intern. That's usually an unpaid position, but the real payoff is in knowledge and experience which might make the difference in getting a job. Find positions in your chosen industry and volunteer to start out for free to get some experience. Sometimes those positions turn into job offers. Even if they don't, you may get a reference or connections or learn how to find a job in the industry.

Get counseling. Work with a counselor or a life coach to make sure you are on the right path and to shore up an deficiencies you may have. You might need help setting priorities or goals, or you may need help getting organized. Sometimes, it just helps to be accountable to someone else who can gently nudge you when you need it.

Get a mentor. Find someone in the industry or someone more experienced who you can contact whenever you need some guidance. It really helps to have an insider on your side.

Volunteer. If you have some free time, volunteer to help an organization that you believe in. You will feel better and it is one more thing to put on your resume. It's much better than just sitting around, and you might make some connections that may lead to a job.

4. Promote yourself. There are many things you can do to promote yourself.
You will need a resume. It should be appropriate to the industry you are interested in. Get some guidance from a counselor, coach or mentor. Research what the prospective employer is used to. Formats and content may vary widely between industries. You want to stand out, but in a good way.

Network everywhere. Talk to everyone about your quest. Join groups. There may be a study group or some other organization of people looking for jobs in your area. Create a group, if necessary. Talking with family and friends and others may lead to the connection you need.

Use social media, if you are comfortable with it. If you don't know much about it, do some research online and learn how things work. (You can always talk to your kids or nephews or nieces.) Sign up for LinkedIn which has become a significant resource for finding jobs or finding employees. You can have a resume on it for free. It's a great way to connect with friends and make new friends. Twitter can also be a way to watch for job openings and to promote yourself. Facebook, if used carefully, can be a good way to reconnect with old friends -- it's networking online. Google + is new, but it will compete with Facebook and will probably also be a good tool for networking. If you have some knowledge about your desired field, you could blog about it and that might be very helpful in raising your visibility.

5. Get your head on straight. Getting started on such a life-changing effort is daunting. If you don't break it down into manageable steps and put deadlines on yourself, it may be very easy to not follow through and to get frustrated with a lack of progress. That is especially the case if you glance over your shoulder and look at the image of the life your spouse is living with his or her established position in contrast to how you are struggling. Instead of looking backward, look forward and picture your goal of a meaningful, productive and rewarding job. Be realistic and remember that you won't get it overnight and it will take some time to build a career. Don't try to do it all alone. Work with someone else for accountability and reassurance.
You may have noticed that this article doesn't provide a quick solution to finding a job when you are starting over later in life. Instead, I have provided a series of steps that can greatly improve your chances of finding the job you want and need. Don't take shortcuts. Get help from others and be flexible. Good luck!

10 Tips for Enhancing Your Relationship with Your Attorney

Hiring an attorney and joining in litigation (or Collaboration) is a serious matter. I, and others, have written about how to choose an attorney to hire. After you have crossed that threshold, both you and your attorney should work to maintain a good working relationship.

In the interest of better serving clients, here is a list of 10 tips for keeping and improving your relationship with your legal representative.

1. Listen to your attorney. Pretty much, you should tune out your family and friends who are offering their best legal advice for you. Your attorney is better qualified and more experienced.

2. Follow the attorney's advice. Lawyers don't enjoy trying to help someone who won't follow their advice.

3. If you disagree with your attorney, speak up. If you think the attorney is wrong, speak up and have a discussion. If you think the attorney is wrong too often, change attorneys.

4. Pay your bills on time. You wouldn't work for free. Your attorney doesn't like to work for free. Attorneys have overhead and living expenses, just like you and other business people.

5. Follow the court's order. You really make your life and your attorney's life more difficult if you ignore or violate court orders. If you don't like the order, talk to your attorney.

6. Don't expect your attorney to be a therapist. In Tarrant County, we actually have one very good attorney who is also a very good therapist, but that is a unique situation. You can't expect your attorney to solve your emotional issues, but the attorney can refer you to someone for therapy, as needed.

7. Be on time and get stuff done on time. Time limits are often very important in litigation. There can be major problems if you miss deadlines. Do your part to make sure things are done on time.

8. Have a clear picture of what you want. Of course, that's easy for me to say. In reality, you probably need to talk with your attorney to formulate what your goals and needs are, but your attorney needs to know what you are aiming for.

9. Don't listen to family and friends. Please. They mean well, but they don't know all the facts of your case, and the experience they draw on is different from your situation.

10. Remember -- every divorce is different. There is no one-size-fits-all solution. You need to work closely with your attorney to plan and carry out your course of action. Don't assume that what happened in a friend's divorce will work in yours!

If you follow these suggestions, you should have a good relationship with your attorney. Good luck.

Zen, Running and Divorce -- Life Lessons

There is an interesting blog, unrelated to divorce or family law, that I like to read that's always full of thought-provoking posts. Yesterday's post in the Zen Habits blog, "Ten Life Lessons from a Reluctant Runner" was about life lessons related to running, but I immediately applied the lessons to divorce situations. I liked the article initially because I am a runner (disclaimer: I admit I'm not fast), but I thought the lessons from running could easily translate into ideas to help ease the stress of dealing with divorce and other family law issues.

I invite you to read the original post. Even if you're not a runner, you can probably appreciate her view of life. For this post, I am taking her lessons and applying them in another context. See if this makes sense to you.

"1. Sometimes things that suck are also awesome." Ever hear the phrase, "behind every cloud, there's a silver lining"? It's often hard to see the silver lining when you go through a divorce or other family law conflict, but change often leads to improvement, even though it's painful at the time. Being forced to confront your financial situation may help you plan better for the future and even change course to look for better opportunities.

"2. It's all mental." I don't know that I would agree that a divorce is 100% mental, but how you approach a situation mentally sure does have a major impact on whether it is upsetting to you or doesn't bother you. People really can choose how they will react to difficult situations. Focusing on the negative and thinking about how terrible you have it will not be helpful. It is much better to be looking forward.

"3. There's a discernible difference between pain and discomfort." Some things are major pains and require a re-analysis and new direction. Most things are more at the discomfort level which you can quickly overcome, if you allow and encourage yourself to do so.

"4. Equipment matters -- find what works for you." This is not a direct comparison, but you need to have a lawyer to help you through the legal process and you should make sure the lawyer has the knowledge and experience needed and that there is good chemistry between you and the lawyer. If you try one attorney and it doesn't seem to work out, go ahead and make a change.

"5. Take joy in small accomplishments." All issues are not alike. Keep in mind that not everything is life or death in divorce. Making small progress toward the outcomes you want should be considered a good thing. You rarely make giant-sized progress toward your goals. You should feel good for every small step that goes your way (and don't obsess about the things that don't work out!).

"6. Inconsistency is OK." Don't expect things to go smoothly or to flow all in the same direction. If judges are deciding issues, there can be inconsistent result on different issues for a variety of reasons. Don't worry about it.

"7. It feels good to pick up your pace at the finish." Most people are anxious to finalize their divorce once they get near the finish. Don't slow it down by bringing up last-minute, annoying issues that simply prolong the fighting. Keep your major objectives in mind and don't get caught up with minor battles.

"8. But, slow down at the beginning, already." Sometimes, you don't have a choice about how fast you have to act at the beginning, but remember that a divorce takes time. Don't be impatient to finish up something too quickly that will affect you the rest of your life financially and in terms of family relationships.

"9. Play is critical. Always." Don't take everything too seriously. Stop and try to relax and not think about the divorce all day long. Get involved in exercise and physical activity. Volunteer and help others. Do something fun occasionally. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money.

"10. It's OK to trick yourself." Sometimes it's hard to face a big project, and that makes it easy to avoid. One way to attack it is to commit yourself to working on something for just 15 or 30 minutes or an hour. If you stop then, you are that much farther down the road. Often, though, it becomes easy to stretch the time as you discover that the work is not as hard as you thought it would be. The trick is breaking it down into small pieces.

Hopefully, you can apply some of these life lessons as you run or work your way through a divorce or family law issue.

How Can it Take a Long Time to Resolve a Simple Case?

Recently, I was talking with a potential client and we got to the point of discussing attorney fees. She clearly viewed her case as a fairly simple matter, and it could be in some circumstances. I quoted a substantial retainer and she asked why it would be so much for a limited case, which was a perfectly understandable question. I explained that I didn't know how many hearings there would be and she asked how there could be more than one hearing. So I gave her a number of possible scenarios that could lead to delay and multiple court dates. She was surprised, but understood.

Why does a case take so long? Here are some of the common reasons why any family law case may get delayed over a long period of time.

1. It may not really be simple at all. Although a party may think it is uncomplicated, an attorney may look at a situation and instantly see many possible problems that have to be dealt with.

2. One party or the other may have received short notice of a hearing, so the hearing must be reset to comply with the rules or for fairness.

3. A party may need time to hire an attorney.

4. A party may need time to get money to pay for an attorney.

5. An attorney may have a scheduling conflict.

6. An attorney may need time to prepare for an unexpected issue.

7. Discovery of information and records may need to be done before the case can proceed.

8. The case may need to go to mediation.

9. The judge may not be available or may be too busy for a hearing on a given day.

10. Bad weather can cause a postponement.

11. There may be a holiday (federal, state or local).

12. Someone may be on vacation.

13. A witness may be unavailable.

14. Some important details may change.

15. A new witness may have been found and further preparation may be necessary.

16. Someone may be ill.

17. There could be a problem in taking care of a child on a given day.

18. The judge may need or take more time to decide.

19. The judge may order the attorneys to prepare a brief on an issue.

20. A hearing may take longer than planned and the conclusion may have to be reset later.

The above are all legitimate reasons that come up and cause delays in cases. On top of that, the other party may stall intentionally for various reasons, and that's hard to control.

Sometimes, delay helps you and sometimes it doesn't, but you have to be prepared for delays in any litigation. It's just part of the process. Talk to your attorney early if you have concerns about the timing. Good luck in getting your case resolved.