Divorce Over 50: Breaking Free

Divorce after a long-term marriage requires a lot of adjustments.   All the legal changes, living arrangements, family connections, financial uncertainty and a myriad of other issues can be overwhelming.  It all comes down to one word:  change.

Change can be very difficult for many people, especially at a time when they are looking for something to hold onto.  The reaction for some people is to slow down or shut down, to try to make the world move slower.  It's easier to understand things if they change slowly.

Some people will take slowing down to an extreme and will try to do nothing while they process what's going on and what they will need to do.  Sometimes, it's easier to hunker down and stay home in a quiet safe environment.  That can give people time to emotionally catch up with what's happening legally.

But, becoming immobilized can be dangerous over the long run.  If you find yourself in this situation, you cannot adequately take care of your own needs.  You can stay home and avoid people for a while, but soon, you will have to get on with your life. 

What if you get stuck in a rut and can't figure how to get out?  Here are some tips to help you break free of the physical and emotional paralysis that can easily overtake someone dealing with intense personal changes.

1.  Go outside.  Get some fresh air.  Take a walk.  Go to the mall.  Shop without spending money --just look.  Move around in public.  Don't be isolated.

2.  Exercise.  Join and use a gym.  Run, bike, climb or walk.  Getting exercise will have lots of benefits, from mental alertness to losing weight to meeting new people.

3.  Hang out at a coffee shop with a friend.  You can look around and take turns making up the life stories of the other people hanging out there.

4.  Go to a modern art gallery or museum.  Look for some art that you can understand or like.   If you already like modern art, go to a gallery or museum with some other type of art that you may not appreciate.  Have some fun with it.

5.  Go see a live play.  If you regularly go already, pick out a  theater that's a different type than what you usually attend.  Bonus points if you go with a friend and discuss the play afterwards.

6.  Go listen to a different genre of music.  Go hear classical music, if you don't usually listen to it, or go hear blues, country, reggae, bluegrass or something else you aren't familiar with.

7.  Fly somewhere on a whim.  Take a weekend trip on a "last-minute" special.  Go see a friend or a place you have been meaning to see.

8.  Help a friend with a problem.  You'll be amazed at how much that will help you.

9.  Try an activity from your youth.  Go dancing, swimming, boating, bowling or playing miniature golf, if you haven't done so for years.  You'll feel younger and act younger.

10.  Try an unusual restaurant.  Go to one that serves a different type of food than you are used to.  Expand your tastes.  Tell your waiter that it's your first time and you need some help and suggestions.

If you are a Baby Boomer exiting a long-term marriage, you need to expand your horizons.  You have a lot of choices and opportunities ahead of you.  To get a jump start, try some of these ideas.  Have some fun!

P.S.  If you have some suggestions, please send us a Comment (below).

Choosing an Attorney: Should You Get a 2nd Opinion?

If, after talking with a prospective attorney, you feel uncomfortable with the attorney, you should definitely go see another lawyer before you hire one to represent you in a family law matter.  

If you are considering using Collaborative Law to help resolve your family law issue, you need to have a trained Collaborative lawyer.  If you visit with an attorney who says he or she does Collaborative Law, and that attorney says you shouldn't use the process, you should get a second opinion.

You should start with the understanding that Collaborative Law won't work for everyone or in every case.  There may be legitimate reasons why it might be inappropriate, such as someone having serious emotional issues, one or both parties having unreasonable expectations or if one of the parties is untrustworthy, for example.

Sometimes, unfortunately, an attorney  may claim to do Collaborative work just to draw in business, and then the attorney talks the client out of using the process.  Trust your gut on this.  If something doesn't quite feel right, go talk to another Collaborative attorney and get his or her opinion about the suitability of your case for Collaborative.

Warning Sign:  There's a concern if the attorney tries to talk you out of using Collaborative Law, especially if  you and your spouse have investigated it and jointly decided to give it a try.  It's really suspicious if your spouse has already hired a Collaborative attorney.

What Can You Do?  Ask some questions.

1.  Ask if the attorney is a member of the Collaborative Law Institute of Texas, the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and/or a local practice group.  An active Collaborative lawyer will probably be in at least two of the organizations.

2.  Ask if the attorney has attended at least a 2-day basic training.  If he or she hasn't, they aren't trained properly and probably aren't able to work in the process.

3.  If the attorney has been to a 2-day training, ask when he/she last attended a Collaborative training.  You want someone who stays current.

4.  Ask how many Collaborative Law cases the attorney has handled.  If none, one or two, you should talk with someone who is more experienced.

Caveat:  Don't assume that an attorney who wants to use Collaborative Law in a case, but who has very few Collaborative cases completed, would be unable to competently represent you.  That's not necessarily the case.  Enthusiasm, current knowledge and the cooperation of the other professionals in the case will likely lead to a good result anyway.

Bottom Line:  Check qualifications, go with your gut feeling.

Are There Shortcuts to Divorces?

One of the biggest concerns of  people going through a divorce or other family law process is how long it takes to complete it.  Initially, it may just be one of the parties who is upset about the slow pace, but after a while, both parties often are very anxious to end it.  The parties often ask their attorneys to speed up the process, but that is difficult.  Your only avenue for quick action is to come to an agreement.  That involves the other side in the case, which means compromise.

If you find yourself looking for shortcuts in the divorce process, here are some things to keep in mind.

1.  Be clear with your attorney about what your objectives and priorities are. If you prefer speed over thoroughness or over cost considerations, tell your attorney.  If there are certain outcomes that are most important to you, such as getting primary custody or having an expanded visitation schedule or keeping the house, be sure to discuss those with your attorney.  To end the divorce quickly, your attorney needs to know what you absolutely need to end up with.

2.  Be prepared to pay more to your attorney in the near future.  If you want to speed up the process, that probably means that your attorney will get very busy and put in a lot more time on your case right away.  That means much more cost to you, so be prepared for that.  There is a trade off.  More work = higher attorney's fees.

3.  "Haste makes waste."  Benjamin Franklin's saying applies here.  You may miss something if you and your attorney are speeding through the process.  Attorneys will usually look through the information the get and try to figure out if anything is missing.  If you rush, you will probably not get a complete or accurate picture of the finances or other important facts.  That could cost you in the long run.

4.  Pushing hard to speed up the case could derail the process.  People need time to process issues and decisions dealing with family matters.  If you push too hard or push in the wrong way, your spouse may just stop.  It takes both sides together to move quickly through the legal system.  Your spouse could just freeze up if he or she feels too much pressure.  You have to think about the most effect way to motivate your spouse or ex.

5.  You may have to give up something you really want or expect.  It's normally not possible for you to force the other side to move quickly and to do things your way.  Quite often, you trade value for speed.  You have to decide if your spouse is demanding too much to come to a quick agreement.

Here are three points to remember if you think you want to try a shortcut so you can finish up your family law issue:

• Shortcuts aren't always short.  Sometimes they backfire.
• Shortcuts aren't always effective.  Your spouse or ex has a say in whether an agreement is reached.
• Shortcuts may turn into a bumpy road.  Getting to an agreement can be a very unpleasant process.

Overcoming a Friday the 13th!

Divorce is usually a tough process emotionally, so it's sorta like piling on to be going through a divorce, or any other litigation, and also have to deal with a Friday the 13th!

One of my favorite blogs is the Positivity Blog  and they have a post today that doesn't mention Friday the 13th, but it seems like it would be good medicine for someone having a tough day.  By the way, I think their ideas would also work on other days, but psychologically, some people may really worry about a Friday the 13th.  If you're one of those, here are some quick ideas for trying something a little different to just shake up your life.

If you're just going through a divorce or other litigation, and you're having a hard time, these little steps might help get you out of a funk.  Do something different and see if you feel better!

• Try listening to some music that you don't normally listen to on your iPod or whatever music source you use.  Try classical, blues, classic rock, country, bluegrass, zydeco or some other type that you don't usually tune in to.  You might really enjoy a little variety.

• Try eating a different kind of food if you go out to eat.  Most people get in a rut and eat the same type of food whenever they eat out.  Surprise yourself and your taste buds!

• If you cook, try a new recipe at least once a week.

• For a day, smile at everyone you see.  They may wonder why you are smiling, and they may ask, but that's not a bad way to start a conversation.  You'll notice a friendly response from most people.

• Stay off the Internet for a weekend.  Go no tech.  You will survive and you may discover an  interesting  new world co-existing with the electronic world.

If you have some tricks to beat the blues or break a bad luck streak, send us a comment.  Otherwise, have a good time today in spite of it being Friday the 13th!

Ending a Long-Term Marriage -- 5 Fallacies

Many couples, later in life, are facing the end of their marriages.  It seems to be more and more common for Baby Boomers to decide to divorce in their 50s and 60s and later.  That decision creates many new challenges for both parties, but especially for one party if she or he was not the initiating party.  Divorcing is not too difficult if both parties are emotionally ready for it and want to be divorced.  The biggest problem comes when one party is surprised by the other party's decision to start a divorce.

When one party reaches the point of committing to a divorce, and the other party doesn't know it's coming, there can be some big problems for both parties.  Sometimes the signs are there, but a spouse just doesn't want to acknowledge them.  Hiding one's head in the sand will only work for so long.  Eventually, everyone has to face the situation and start making difficult decisions.  Acceptance doesn't come easily for many people.  They deny that the divorce is going to take place, or that it should, and then later will fight to punish their departing spouse.

The spouse initiating a divorce, when the other spouse is surprised, often has some very wrong ideas about what to expect.  The initiator often has spent a lot of time reviewing the situation and has some up with some very logical plans for ending the marriage.  Sometimes, the plans are very selfish, which makes them a hard sell.  Other times, the plans are generous, but even those may be hard to promote.  Unfortunately, logic usually doesn't work, at least initially, when dealing with a very emotional spouse.

Here are some false expectations that are common at the outset of a Baby Boomer divorce later in life.

1.  This can be quick.  It almost never is, and it won't be if the other spouse isn't ready emotionally.  Unless there have been a lot of productive discussions in advance, it will probably take quite a while -- a year or so in litigation; probably less in Collaborative Law.  Aside from the emotions, there's a lot to unravel after a long marriage.  Quite often there are children, some minor and some adult, and provisions are usually made for them.  In addition, planning for employment and retirement for the spouses can be very challenging, especially if one has been a stay-at-home parent.

2.  It can be cheap.  That partly depends on how much fighting is going on, which is affected by the emotional readiness of each spouse. In addition, the parties will be dividing up assets and suddenly will be facing the "golden" years without half the gold they accumulated and planned with over the years.  Retirement plans and housing get drastically changed.  In addition, the costs of a divorce can be substantial if there is a lot of fighting or there are a number of assets that require expert valuations.

3.  It's easy.  After a long-term marriage, there are many, many connections and dependencies which have to be undone or compensated for.  Over the years, parties make a lot of assumptions about their future, and now new plans have to be made.  Complications come from age, health, unemployment, outdated job skills, shrinking  retirement funds and insurance issues.  It will not be simple.

4.  It can be painless.  Sure, if everyone agrees to get the divorce and instantly agrees on the terms.  Of course, that never happens.  Most often, the "leavee" is angry and out for revenge, or at least a lopsidedly-favorable settlement.  Usually, the initiator pays for the break-up, even if the the other party is partly or wholly at fault.  Remember, logic has little or no place in divorces.

5.  A party can just walk away.  It's never that easy.  There will always be ties -- financial connections, family relationships, children, and friends, among other ways.  Unless both parties are emotionally on the same page, expect trouble!

Suggestion:  Consider using Collaborative Law to help deal with the emotions and the varied financial issues that Baby Boomers face when they divorce later in life.  That's smarter than trying to handle this by yourself or going through litigation.

What to Expect in Mediation

This post is a very broad look at mediation as it is practiced in Texas, specifically in Tarrant County, Texas.  Please don't assume that my comments accurately describe mediation as it is practiced in other states.

1.  Who is the mediator?  The attorneys in the case will normally choose the mediator, although the judge in the case might make the decision.  They consider mediators they have had success with, ones with personalities compatible with the parties or ones with special knowledge or experience with the issues that will come up.  Most often, the mediators are local attorneys.  Sometimes they are retired judges.  In some cases, two mediators are used.   Mediators are specially trained in mediation and family law.  They normally have strong communication skills and are very good listeners.

2.  What is the format?  In Texas, most cases  use the caucus system which means that each side is in a separate room and the two sides don't usually come into contact with each other during the mediation.  Each side has their own attorney who actively participates in the process.  In other states, the mediation takes place in joint sessions and attorneys don't participate in some areas.  Mediators can work under either system.  In the beginning, the mediator introduces himself or herself to the parties and gets some general information.  The mediator asks one or both sides for opening offers which are then conveyed to the other side.  The mediator goes back and forth, meeting with the parties, asking questions and keeping the discussion moving.  Part of the mediator's job is to get the parties to consider other points of view.  That's helpful in breaking through impasses.  After many trips back and forth, the mediator can usually help the parties reach agreements.

3.  How do you know what to ask for?  It's a good idea to spend time prior to the start of mediation in figuring out what you want to end up with.  Once you are clear on what you want, then you can come up with some opening and secondary positions to use to start the process and keep it moving.  Equally important is to think about the motivations and interests of the other side.  If you can figure out what they are likely to be aiming for, you can plan your moves to maybe achieve both your and their objectives.  Maybe you can come up with some trade-offs.  Planning ahead will make it easier to come up with ideas that can work.

4.  What should be your strategy?  Keep your goals in mind.  Leave yourself room to compromise.  You should never start off requesting your best result.  No matter how logical or reasonable you think it is, the other side is not going to accept your opening offer.  Some people take an almost opposite approach, which is also usually a bad idea:  start off with the toughest issues to test the other side and find out if they are willing to compromise.  It's usually better to start with some easier issues and create momentum in coming to small agreements.  That can lead to bigger agreements.  Special warning:  Don't expect logic or rationality to plan much of a role in settling a family law case.

5.  Is the result binding?  Yes, if it's properly prepared and signed.  It must contain special wording saying that the agreement is binding and irrevocable.  With that, courts ill enforce mediated settlement agreements.  Be sure you really approve of all the terms before you sign, because there's no backing out or changing your mind.

Be sure to talk with your attorney and prepare ahead of time.  The attorney can answer any questions you have about how mediation works.  You should go in expecting to be successful!

How to Prepare for Mediation

Once the decision has been made to go to mediation, each side and their attorney should prepare.  Some attorneys spend a good amount of time getting ready and others spend little or no time.  The better practice is for the client and the attorney to put in time preparing since there is so much at stake.  The opportunity to work out a favorable settlement should not be squandered.

So, what can you do to prepare?  Here are some tips for the attorney and party to meet and work on.

• Identify the important issues.  Hopefully, the attorney already knows what the goals, needs and interests of the client are.  Sometimes, however, a goal may change in the course of the case.  For example, at the beginning, a party may want revenge or to punish the other party (not necessarily a course of action I would endorse, by the way).  After time passes, sometimes the anger cools and the party decides he or she just wants to get the case over with.  It is actually very common for goals and needs to change. A client should tell the attorney about any changes of attitude or plans.

• Figure out the other side's goals, needs and motivations.  You can put together a series of positions you might be able to take to compromise and come to an agreement.  You probably need to build in room to make some concessions so the other side will feel like he or she has won something.

• Gather needed paperwork.  Find out what paperwork you may need and then have it ready for the mediation.  It usually helps to have updated print-outs of all financial accounts so you can work with current and accurate numbers.  Your attorney can tell you what you need.

• Adjust your attitude.  Don't dwell on emotional issues, especially anger.  Think of the negotiations as a business deal.  Don't let personalities into the mix.  You can make a better deal if you can stay calm and rational during the mediation session.  Think of the advantages of getting the dispute resolved and being able to move on with your life.

• Ask questions.  Your attorney has probably done lots of mediations and may not explain every detail or may assume that you know or understand something that is confusing or foreign to you.  Take the time to ask questions.  Your attorney wants to help you, so help yourself by seeking clarity for you and your attorney.

Communication with your attorney before and during the mediation session will be key to you being comfortable, prepared and successful.  Good luck!

 

Why Does Mediation Work?

Mediation is encouraged/required in most family law cases filed in Tarrant County, Texas.  Courts want to have hearings only when necessary, and they know that mediation settles almost every case where it is used.  There are certainly some cases where nothing will help the parties to agree, but all experienced attorneys have mediated cases that reached agreements where it seemed like there was no chance ahead of time.  Mediation sometimes almost feels magical in its ability to help parties come to agreements.

Here's a non-magical explanation of why mediation works.

1.  There's a focus on problem-solving.  When mediation is scheduled, the goal is usually to reach a final agreement on a divorce or on a modification order relating to children's issues.  Sometimes, mediation is used on other issues or at different stages in disputes, but most commonly, the goal becomes to reach a final resolution.  In contrast, much of litigation is about investigation, making temporary arrangements, dealing with discovery disputes and other interim issues.  When you show up for mediation, everyone knows it's time to get down to business.

2.  A specially-trained neutral person helps both parties.  Judges are neutral, but they have a different job.  They listen to evidence and arguments and then make a decision which the parties must live with.  In mediation, the mediator does not impose any decisions.  The mediator keeps the parties talking and considering alternatives until the parties themselves reach an agreement about how they want things done.  The mediator helps the parties come to the agreement.  The mediator has been trained in communication skills to be able to listen better, ask questions and be supportive as the parties think and work through the issues.

3.  Each party gets heard.  This is a huge benefit of mediation.  Even though each side theoretically can testify and present evidence in court, there is no free flow of communication.  Rules of evidence and procedure constrict the flow of information.  Those rules are necessary for court, but they don't feel good to the parties who want their say in court.  In mediation, the mediator will listen to both parties and give them plenty of time to express what they want to convey.

4.  The process is safe and private.  Many people aren't happy about having to testify, or to be testified about, in open court.  They don't want their private lives exposed in public.  Court hearings are open to the public.  Mediations are not.  In Texas, the parties most often work in the "caucus" style, meaning that each party remains in a separate room and they normally don't see or hear the other party directly during the mediation.  The mediator goes back and forth, carrying information, offers and responses.  Most people seem to appreciate not having to confront the other party in the stressful situation of mediation.

5.  There's an end in sight.  Mediation almost always works.  When there is an agreement, the mediator prepares a written agreement which is signed by both parties and their attorneys.  The agreement is very detailed and always contains the magic words that the agreement is binding and irrevocable.  With that, judges will uphold and enforce the agreement.  The parties need to make sure they are satisfied with the agreement, because it will be binding once everyone signs.  After that, there's no backing out.

In the ordinary case, magic isn't required.  Mediation provides a safe, controlled, private forum where each party gets to be heard by a neutral third party.  Some people feel validated and some just need to let off steam.  Whatever is needed can usually be provided in the mediation process.

Should You Try Mediation?

Simple answer:  Yes!  

Here are some reasons why you should plan on using mediation:

• Judges almost always require it, at least in Tarrant County, Texas divorces.  If you can't quickly get your case settled otherwise, your Judge will almost always order the parties to go to mediation prior to trial.

• The process works.  In my experience, it seems to work about 80-90% of the time.  Even in the cases where we don't end the session with an agreement, the parties almost always come to an agreement shortly afterwards on their own.  In most cases, if there's no final agreement, at least some issues get disposed of or at least narrowed.  That will save time if you ever go to court.

• Mediation is good for the parties.  It's a private and confidential process.  Negotiations take place away from the courthouse and information is not so publicly exposed as it would be in a trial.  It's also good because it brings an end to the legal dispute and the parties get to be the ones deciding how it is resolved.  It's also usually cheaper than preparing for, and going to, trial.

• Mediation is often better than the alternative.  Sometimes, clients fear testifying in court, so mediation sessions become very appealing.  Sometimes, clients just don't make good witnesses, or they may be unsympathetic people, or  they may have some bad history they don't want brought out.  Sometimes, clients run out of money and can't afford to get experts, and pay for the preparation for trial.  For all those people, mediation is a safer alternative.

• The result of a successful mediation is an enforceable agreement.  Courts are unanimous in supporting and enforcing properly signed and prepared  mediation settlement agreements.  You don't have to worry about someone changing their mind.  CAVEAT:  Be sure you understand and agree to everything, exactly as written, before you sign off on the mediation agreement.

Don't Write on Original Documents!

One of the best, appropriately brief  posts I have seen in a while comes from Mark Chinn's blog from April 30, 2012. Mark is an outstanding Family Law attorney in Jackson, MS and has been producing a very nice blog on Family Law issues.  It has excellent advice for something that comes up once in a while.

Sometimes, while preparing a case, it becomes important for a client to bring a document to the lawyer to help prove a point.  Documents include tax returns, various applications, certificates, old court pleadings, accounting records, letters and many other things.  The documents need to be in good condition and hopefully, be originals.  Which brings us to the advice:

PLEASE don't write on original documents!  Your writing can make the document hard to read, but more importantly, it may become inadmissible because it contains hearsay and because it is no longer authentic.  The extra writing is considered hearsay, which is generally inadmissible, and the document has been changed into something new by the writing.  It may seem like a trivial technicality, but that writing does cause a problem.

HOW TO AVOID THE PROBLEM?  There are several simple solutions:

• Make a copy and write your notes on the copy.
• Scan the document and make a PDF.  Then print the document and put your comments on that copy.
• Use a sticky note for your comments.
• Just make notes on a separate page.
• Use self restraint. Don't write comments. Just tell your comments to your attorney. 

Your attorney will be much happier and your case will be in better shape if you follow this advice!