Changes Are Here!

After over five years with the same format and colors, we are trying a little different arrangement and different colors on the blog.  We may make a few other changes in the near future.

Please let us know what you think about the changes.  Thanks for reading!

How to Tell Your Kids About the Divorce

One of the hardest things parents going through a divorce have to face is telling their children about the divorce.  There are no easy answers and no single answer on how to do it.  The parents need to plan how and when to talk with the kids about the divorce.

Here are 7 tips about how to tell your children about an impending divorce:

1.  Right mood.  Timing is important.  Make sure both parents and the children are not tired, hungry, busy, upset or preoccupied. 

2.  Right time.  The conversation should be before someone moves out.  It shouldn't be too long before the move-out and not too close to the time, either.  A discussion at the start of a weekend, when both parents will be around for the weekend, can be a good time.  That allows the children to process the information and be able to talk with each parent, if they want to.

3.  Right people.  Both parents should be there and involved in the discussion.  "We"  should be used, rather than creating a blame situation, as appealing as that might seem to the "leavee".

4.  Right reasons.  Blame should not be discussed.  It's better to say something like, "We aren't getting along and we can't fix it."  That's a true statement and it doesn't attach blame.  There's no need to be too specific.

5.  Right response.  Listen to the children and respond to their questions.  Use age appropriate words and statements.  Answer their questions truthfully, but without assigning blame or giving a lot of details.

6.  Right (amount of) information.  Don't explain too much or give many details about what's wrong.  But, don't leave any hope of reconciliation.  If it is a surprise to the kids, they will need time to work through the idea of divorce.

7.  Right planning.  Be able to explain how it will affect the children.  That will probably be their biggest concern.  Will they have to move?  Where will they go to school?  Will there be enough money? Etc.  Don't over-promise and don't discuss issues that are undecided.  It's OK to not have everything figured out.

Most kids probably have friends whose parents have divorced.  Your kids have likely discussed divorce with other children at different times and may have thought about how it might affect their lives.  Don't be surprised if you get some strange, specific questions, or no questions at the start.  The discussion will probably extend over some time, so just keep these suggestions in mind.

Don't Listen to Bad Advice!

At the intersection of someone looking for support and someone wanting to be helpful, bad advice often rears its ugly head.  People going through a divorce are naturally anxious and vulnerable.  They worry about what is happening, what could happen and what didn't happen.  Many people worry a lot.

At the same time, other people are natural caregivers and supporters.  They want to give emotional support to their friend who is obviously struggling in a difficult situation.  They have good motives, but end up being unhelpful in most cases.

I have witnessed many times the combination of a needy person going through a divorce and a friend who wants to help who gives advice. The result is usually confusion and actions conflicting with what the attorney would recommend.

Here are the common actors in that situation; Don't Listen to These People!

Law-related:  Current or former court personnel, legal assistants, legal secretaries, law students, lawyers who don't practice family law, therapists and other professionals who sometimes work in the legal arena.  Sometimes such people who operate or worked on the fringe of the legal system may carry an impression of being knowledgeable, but they're not!  These not only are not your attorney currently representing you, but each one is not really qualified or appropriate for giving legal advice in a case they are not involved in.  What may (or may not) have been true or worked in another case may be ineffective or inappropriate in your case.  Their experience makes them seem qualified to help, but they're not.

Close by-standers:  Relatives, neighbors and friends.  The intention is usually good, but their experience or what they heard 2nd, 3rd or 4th-hand doesn't really work for you.

Non-law-related professionals:  Police officers are a prime source of unintentional misinformation.  Other professionals generally don't have good information for you either. 

What all of these have in common is that they are not the lawyer representing you in your family law matter.

Some common, problematic advice can include such topics as:

• A suggestion to take an action without discussing with your attorney.

• Telling you that you shouldn't, or don't need to, comply with a court order.

• Directing you on what to say or write to someone.

• Suggesting what you can do with some asset.

• Advising whether or not you should go to court.

The Best Advice:  Please just get legal advice from your attorney handling your family law case.

Divorce Over 50: Breaking Free

Divorce after a long-term marriage requires a lot of adjustments.   All the legal changes, living arrangements, family connections, financial uncertainty and a myriad of other issues can be overwhelming.  It all comes down to one word:  change.

Change can be very difficult for many people, especially at a time when they are looking for something to hold onto.  The reaction for some people is to slow down or shut down, to try to make the world move slower.  It's easier to understand things if they change slowly.

Some people will take slowing down to an extreme and will try to do nothing while they process what's going on and what they will need to do.  Sometimes, it's easier to hunker down and stay home in a quiet safe environment.  That can give people time to emotionally catch up with what's happening legally.

But, becoming immobilized can be dangerous over the long run.  If you find yourself in this situation, you cannot adequately take care of your own needs.  You can stay home and avoid people for a while, but soon, you will have to get on with your life. 

What if you get stuck in a rut and can't figure how to get out?  Here are some tips to help you break free of the physical and emotional paralysis that can easily overtake someone dealing with intense personal changes.

1.  Go outside.  Get some fresh air.  Take a walk.  Go to the mall.  Shop without spending money --just look.  Move around in public.  Don't be isolated.

2.  Exercise.  Join and use a gym.  Run, bike, climb or walk.  Getting exercise will have lots of benefits, from mental alertness to losing weight to meeting new people.

3.  Hang out at a coffee shop with a friend.  You can look around and take turns making up the life stories of the other people hanging out there.

4.  Go to a modern art gallery or museum.  Look for some art that you can understand or like.   If you already like modern art, go to a gallery or museum with some other type of art that you may not appreciate.  Have some fun with it.

5.  Go see a live play.  If you regularly go already, pick out a  theater that's a different type than what you usually attend.  Bonus points if you go with a friend and discuss the play afterwards.

6.  Go listen to a different genre of music.  Go hear classical music, if you don't usually listen to it, or go hear blues, country, reggae, bluegrass or something else you aren't familiar with.

7.  Fly somewhere on a whim.  Take a weekend trip on a "last-minute" special.  Go see a friend or a place you have been meaning to see.

8.  Help a friend with a problem.  You'll be amazed at how much that will help you.

9.  Try an activity from your youth.  Go dancing, swimming, boating, bowling or playing miniature golf, if you haven't done so for years.  You'll feel younger and act younger.

10.  Try an unusual restaurant.  Go to one that serves a different type of food than you are used to.  Expand your tastes.  Tell your waiter that it's your first time and you need some help and suggestions.

If you are a Baby Boomer exiting a long-term marriage, you need to expand your horizons.  You have a lot of choices and opportunities ahead of you.  To get a jump start, try some of these ideas.  Have some fun!

P.S.  If you have some suggestions, please send us a Comment (below).

Choosing an Attorney: Should You Get a 2nd Opinion?

If, after talking with a prospective attorney, you feel uncomfortable with the attorney, you should definitely go see another lawyer before you hire one to represent you in a family law matter.  

If you are considering using Collaborative Law to help resolve your family law issue, you need to have a trained Collaborative lawyer.  If you visit with an attorney who says he or she does Collaborative Law, and that attorney says you shouldn't use the process, you should get a second opinion.

You should start with the understanding that Collaborative Law won't work for everyone or in every case.  There may be legitimate reasons why it might be inappropriate, such as someone having serious emotional issues, one or both parties having unreasonable expectations or if one of the parties is untrustworthy, for example.

Sometimes, unfortunately, an attorney  may claim to do Collaborative work just to draw in business, and then the attorney talks the client out of using the process.  Trust your gut on this.  If something doesn't quite feel right, go talk to another Collaborative attorney and get his or her opinion about the suitability of your case for Collaborative.

Warning Sign:  There's a concern if the attorney tries to talk you out of using Collaborative Law, especially if  you and your spouse have investigated it and jointly decided to give it a try.  It's really suspicious if your spouse has already hired a Collaborative attorney.

What Can You Do?  Ask some questions.

1.  Ask if the attorney is a member of the Collaborative Law Institute of Texas, the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and/or a local practice group.  An active Collaborative lawyer will probably be in at least two of the organizations.

2.  Ask if the attorney has attended at least a 2-day basic training.  If he or she hasn't, they aren't trained properly and probably aren't able to work in the process.

3.  If the attorney has been to a 2-day training, ask when he/she last attended a Collaborative training.  You want someone who stays current.

4.  Ask how many Collaborative Law cases the attorney has handled.  If none, one or two, you should talk with someone who is more experienced.

Caveat:  Don't assume that an attorney who wants to use Collaborative Law in a case, but who has very few Collaborative cases completed, would be unable to competently represent you.  That's not necessarily the case.  Enthusiasm, current knowledge and the cooperation of the other professionals in the case will likely lead to a good result anyway.

Bottom Line:  Check qualifications, go with your gut feeling.

Are There Shortcuts to Divorces?

One of the biggest concerns of  people going through a divorce or other family law process is how long it takes to complete it.  Initially, it may just be one of the parties who is upset about the slow pace, but after a while, both parties often are very anxious to end it.  The parties often ask their attorneys to speed up the process, but that is difficult.  Your only avenue for quick action is to come to an agreement.  That involves the other side in the case, which means compromise.

If you find yourself looking for shortcuts in the divorce process, here are some things to keep in mind.

1.  Be clear with your attorney about what your objectives and priorities are. If you prefer speed over thoroughness or over cost considerations, tell your attorney.  If there are certain outcomes that are most important to you, such as getting primary custody or having an expanded visitation schedule or keeping the house, be sure to discuss those with your attorney.  To end the divorce quickly, your attorney needs to know what you absolutely need to end up with.

2.  Be prepared to pay more to your attorney in the near future.  If you want to speed up the process, that probably means that your attorney will get very busy and put in a lot more time on your case right away.  That means much more cost to you, so be prepared for that.  There is a trade off.  More work = higher attorney's fees.

3.  "Haste makes waste."  Benjamin Franklin's saying applies here.  You may miss something if you and your attorney are speeding through the process.  Attorneys will usually look through the information the get and try to figure out if anything is missing.  If you rush, you will probably not get a complete or accurate picture of the finances or other important facts.  That could cost you in the long run.

4.  Pushing hard to speed up the case could derail the process.  People need time to process issues and decisions dealing with family matters.  If you push too hard or push in the wrong way, your spouse may just stop.  It takes both sides together to move quickly through the legal system.  Your spouse could just freeze up if he or she feels too much pressure.  You have to think about the most effect way to motivate your spouse or ex.

5.  You may have to give up something you really want or expect.  It's normally not possible for you to force the other side to move quickly and to do things your way.  Quite often, you trade value for speed.  You have to decide if your spouse is demanding too much to come to a quick agreement.

Here are three points to remember if you think you want to try a shortcut so you can finish up your family law issue:

• Shortcuts aren't always short.  Sometimes they backfire.
• Shortcuts aren't always effective.  Your spouse or ex has a say in whether an agreement is reached.
• Shortcuts may turn into a bumpy road.  Getting to an agreement can be a very unpleasant process.

Overcoming a Friday the 13th!

Divorce is usually a tough process emotionally, so it's sorta like piling on to be going through a divorce, or any other litigation, and also have to deal with a Friday the 13th!

One of my favorite blogs is the Positivity Blog  and they have a post today that doesn't mention Friday the 13th, but it seems like it would be good medicine for someone having a tough day.  By the way, I think their ideas would also work on other days, but psychologically, some people may really worry about a Friday the 13th.  If you're one of those, here are some quick ideas for trying something a little different to just shake up your life.

If you're just going through a divorce or other litigation, and you're having a hard time, these little steps might help get you out of a funk.  Do something different and see if you feel better!

• Try listening to some music that you don't normally listen to on your iPod or whatever music source you use.  Try classical, blues, classic rock, country, bluegrass, zydeco or some other type that you don't usually tune in to.  You might really enjoy a little variety.

• Try eating a different kind of food if you go out to eat.  Most people get in a rut and eat the same type of food whenever they eat out.  Surprise yourself and your taste buds!

• If you cook, try a new recipe at least once a week.

• For a day, smile at everyone you see.  They may wonder why you are smiling, and they may ask, but that's not a bad way to start a conversation.  You'll notice a friendly response from most people.

• Stay off the Internet for a weekend.  Go no tech.  You will survive and you may discover an  interesting  new world co-existing with the electronic world.

If you have some tricks to beat the blues or break a bad luck streak, send us a comment.  Otherwise, have a good time today in spite of it being Friday the 13th!

Ending a Long-Term Marriage -- 5 Fallacies

Many couples, later in life, are facing the end of their marriages.  It seems to be more and more common for Baby Boomers to decide to divorce in their 50s and 60s and later.  That decision creates many new challenges for both parties, but especially for one party if she or he was not the initiating party.  Divorcing is not too difficult if both parties are emotionally ready for it and want to be divorced.  The biggest problem comes when one party is surprised by the other party's decision to start a divorce.

When one party reaches the point of committing to a divorce, and the other party doesn't know it's coming, there can be some big problems for both parties.  Sometimes the signs are there, but a spouse just doesn't want to acknowledge them.  Hiding one's head in the sand will only work for so long.  Eventually, everyone has to face the situation and start making difficult decisions.  Acceptance doesn't come easily for many people.  They deny that the divorce is going to take place, or that it should, and then later will fight to punish their departing spouse.

The spouse initiating a divorce, when the other spouse is surprised, often has some very wrong ideas about what to expect.  The initiator often has spent a lot of time reviewing the situation and has some up with some very logical plans for ending the marriage.  Sometimes, the plans are very selfish, which makes them a hard sell.  Other times, the plans are generous, but even those may be hard to promote.  Unfortunately, logic usually doesn't work, at least initially, when dealing with a very emotional spouse.

Here are some false expectations that are common at the outset of a Baby Boomer divorce later in life.

1.  This can be quick.  It almost never is, and it won't be if the other spouse isn't ready emotionally.  Unless there have been a lot of productive discussions in advance, it will probably take quite a while -- a year or so in litigation; probably less in Collaborative Law.  Aside from the emotions, there's a lot to unravel after a long marriage.  Quite often there are children, some minor and some adult, and provisions are usually made for them.  In addition, planning for employment and retirement for the spouses can be very challenging, especially if one has been a stay-at-home parent.

2.  It can be cheap.  That partly depends on how much fighting is going on, which is affected by the emotional readiness of each spouse. In addition, the parties will be dividing up assets and suddenly will be facing the "golden" years without half the gold they accumulated and planned with over the years.  Retirement plans and housing get drastically changed.  In addition, the costs of a divorce can be substantial if there is a lot of fighting or there are a number of assets that require expert valuations.

3.  It's easy.  After a long-term marriage, there are many, many connections and dependencies which have to be undone or compensated for.  Over the years, parties make a lot of assumptions about their future, and now new plans have to be made.  Complications come from age, health, unemployment, outdated job skills, shrinking  retirement funds and insurance issues.  It will not be simple.

4.  It can be painless.  Sure, if everyone agrees to get the divorce and instantly agrees on the terms.  Of course, that never happens.  Most often, the "leavee" is angry and out for revenge, or at least a lopsidedly-favorable settlement.  Usually, the initiator pays for the break-up, even if the the other party is partly or wholly at fault.  Remember, logic has little or no place in divorces.

5.  A party can just walk away.  It's never that easy.  There will always be ties -- financial connections, family relationships, children, and friends, among other ways.  Unless both parties are emotionally on the same page, expect trouble!

Suggestion:  Consider using Collaborative Law to help deal with the emotions and the varied financial issues that Baby Boomers face when they divorce later in life.  That's smarter than trying to handle this by yourself or going through litigation.

What to Expect in Mediation

This post is a very broad look at mediation as it is practiced in Texas, specifically in Tarrant County, Texas.  Please don't assume that my comments accurately describe mediation as it is practiced in other states.

1.  Who is the mediator?  The attorneys in the case will normally choose the mediator, although the judge in the case might make the decision.  They consider mediators they have had success with, ones with personalities compatible with the parties or ones with special knowledge or experience with the issues that will come up.  Most often, the mediators are local attorneys.  Sometimes they are retired judges.  In some cases, two mediators are used.   Mediators are specially trained in mediation and family law.  They normally have strong communication skills and are very good listeners.

2.  What is the format?  In Texas, most cases  use the caucus system which means that each side is in a separate room and the two sides don't usually come into contact with each other during the mediation.  Each side has their own attorney who actively participates in the process.  In other states, the mediation takes place in joint sessions and attorneys don't participate in some areas.  Mediators can work under either system.  In the beginning, the mediator introduces himself or herself to the parties and gets some general information.  The mediator asks one or both sides for opening offers which are then conveyed to the other side.  The mediator goes back and forth, meeting with the parties, asking questions and keeping the discussion moving.  Part of the mediator's job is to get the parties to consider other points of view.  That's helpful in breaking through impasses.  After many trips back and forth, the mediator can usually help the parties reach agreements.

3.  How do you know what to ask for?  It's a good idea to spend time prior to the start of mediation in figuring out what you want to end up with.  Once you are clear on what you want, then you can come up with some opening and secondary positions to use to start the process and keep it moving.  Equally important is to think about the motivations and interests of the other side.  If you can figure out what they are likely to be aiming for, you can plan your moves to maybe achieve both your and their objectives.  Maybe you can come up with some trade-offs.  Planning ahead will make it easier to come up with ideas that can work.

4.  What should be your strategy?  Keep your goals in mind.  Leave yourself room to compromise.  You should never start off requesting your best result.  No matter how logical or reasonable you think it is, the other side is not going to accept your opening offer.  Some people take an almost opposite approach, which is also usually a bad idea:  start off with the toughest issues to test the other side and find out if they are willing to compromise.  It's usually better to start with some easier issues and create momentum in coming to small agreements.  That can lead to bigger agreements.  Special warning:  Don't expect logic or rationality to plan much of a role in settling a family law case.

5.  Is the result binding?  Yes, if it's properly prepared and signed.  It must contain special wording saying that the agreement is binding and irrevocable.  With that, courts ill enforce mediated settlement agreements.  Be sure you really approve of all the terms before you sign, because there's no backing out or changing your mind.

Be sure to talk with your attorney and prepare ahead of time.  The attorney can answer any questions you have about how mediation works.  You should go in expecting to be successful!

How to Prepare for Mediation

Once the decision has been made to go to mediation, each side and their attorney should prepare.  Some attorneys spend a good amount of time getting ready and others spend little or no time.  The better practice is for the client and the attorney to put in time preparing since there is so much at stake.  The opportunity to work out a favorable settlement should not be squandered.

So, what can you do to prepare?  Here are some tips for the attorney and party to meet and work on.

• Identify the important issues.  Hopefully, the attorney already knows what the goals, needs and interests of the client are.  Sometimes, however, a goal may change in the course of the case.  For example, at the beginning, a party may want revenge or to punish the other party (not necessarily a course of action I would endorse, by the way).  After time passes, sometimes the anger cools and the party decides he or she just wants to get the case over with.  It is actually very common for goals and needs to change. A client should tell the attorney about any changes of attitude or plans.

• Figure out the other side's goals, needs and motivations.  You can put together a series of positions you might be able to take to compromise and come to an agreement.  You probably need to build in room to make some concessions so the other side will feel like he or she has won something.

• Gather needed paperwork.  Find out what paperwork you may need and then have it ready for the mediation.  It usually helps to have updated print-outs of all financial accounts so you can work with current and accurate numbers.  Your attorney can tell you what you need.

• Adjust your attitude.  Don't dwell on emotional issues, especially anger.  Think of the negotiations as a business deal.  Don't let personalities into the mix.  You can make a better deal if you can stay calm and rational during the mediation session.  Think of the advantages of getting the dispute resolved and being able to move on with your life.

• Ask questions.  Your attorney has probably done lots of mediations and may not explain every detail or may assume that you know or understand something that is confusing or foreign to you.  Take the time to ask questions.  Your attorney wants to help you, so help yourself by seeking clarity for you and your attorney.

Communication with your attorney before and during the mediation session will be key to you being comfortable, prepared and successful.  Good luck!