What If You Don't Really Want a Divorce?

Just like it takes two to tango, it takes two to have a marriage.  If one person wants out of a marriage, the other one can't really prevent a divorce.  Both parties have to be committed to keep a marriage together. 

It often happens that one spouse decides to seek a divorce before the other spouse is even aware of that possibility.  People frequently think through their marital problems and come to the conclusion or realization that a divorce is what they want, all without involving their spouse in the deliberations.

The result is that one party is often surprised and unprepared for a divorce.  That party also often wants to try to preserve the marriage.  If you find yourself in that position, here are some things to think about.

1.  Get some counseling with a good professional counselor.  Look within yourself and your marriage.  Do you really not want a divorce?  Is it possible, after the shock wears off, that you also might be better off ending the marriage?  Have you overlooked the signs of discontent or problems in the relationship?  How committed is your spouse to the divorce?  Try to review the situation as objectively as you can, but depend on help from a good counselor.  This is not something you should try to deal with on your own.

2.  Is your marriage past the point of no return?  If you want to save the marriage, don't burn the bridges by your reaction to your spouse. You need to figure out if there's still something valuable to salvage and build upon.  If you spouse is having an affair or living with someone, the odds are that you can't resurrect the marriage.  Be realistic.  If your spouse has hurt you financially, emotionally or physically, it may be best to cut the ties.

3.  If you want to preserve the marriage, here are some ideas. 

• Recognize that divorce is inevitable, if either one of you wants it.  You may be able to slow it down, but you really can't stop it, if your spouse is persistent.
• Don't burn your bridges.  Be nice to your spouse.  Being mean or destructive is not going to win back your spouse. You may have to work on the divorce while you are trying to get your spouse to reconsider.
• Be fair to yourself.  Don't rollover in a settlement.  Giving your spouse everything, or most things, will not win him or her back.  That strategy just doesn't work.  Don't give away the farm.  I have seen that happen and then the other spouse still goes through with the divorce.
• Make it clear that the door is open and you're willing to work on issues, if your spouse is.  It must be a two-way street.  Your spouse has grievances against you, at least some of which are legitimate, and you will also have grievances against your spouse, at least some of which are legitimate.  If your spouse takes the position that you must unilaterally make all the changes, that's not going to work and you won't like the outcome.

Reconciling is a huge up-hill battle.  Don't expect an easy or smooth trip.  Be prepared to invest a lot of emotion and effort and even then, it may not work. 

Beware:

• If your spouse says it's all your fault.
• If your spouse has acted dishonestly.  Or,
• If your spouse demands a deal very unfavorable to you, before he/she will talk with you.

If any of those situations occur, go see a divorce lawyer.

Divorce Over 50: Checklist of Financial Issues

For various reasons, many Baby Boomers seem to be facing divorces even after long marriages.  Sometimes both parties reach the point where they want to end their marriage.  Other times, it's one spouse or the other who takes the lead in deciding to divorce.  Even if just one spouse wants the divorce, in Texas the divorce will ultimately be granted if that spouse persists.

Whether divorce represents welcome relief or a distasteful experience that can't be avoided, both parties need to prepare.  The following is a list of financial issues that come up in most divorces after long-term or later-in-life marriages.

1.  Planning for Retirement.  While not everyone has a retirement plan or assets set aside for retirement, it should be a concern for everyone over 40.  The degree of urgency may vary, depending on how far away from retirement each party is.  The tax aspects must also be considered for each type of asset.  Preparing a future budget and working with a financial advisor will be helpful.

2.  Planning for Transition.  This is the transition from being married to single and also may include the transition from working to retirement.  Very often, one spouse has stayed home to take care of children.  That spouse may need some time to get back in the job market and get hired, and may need some education.  Our economy is not yet back to full speed, so finding a job is not as simple as it was a few years ago.  That means that support may need to be a component of the settlement.

3.  Dealing with Health Issues.  Being part of an older age group naturally means that there will be health concerns.  Additionally, health insurance will have to be provided for.  Health issues can affect whether one or both spouses are able to be employed.

4.  Making Living Arrangements.  The divorce may be coming at a time when the parties might have been downsizing anyway, but selling a house is often part of the discussion.  One or both parties may have to find suitable and affordable housing.

5.  Taking Care of Children.  Depending on the children's ages, there may be private school, tutors, college or other education-related expenses.  Then  there's extra-curricular activities.  They have to be coordinated and paid for.  If the children are young, child support and visitation will have to be resolved.

6.  Separating Credit.  Often, one spouse has a better credit record or more income and the credit purchases have been made primarily in that spouse's name.  Joint credit cards need to be separated.  Some debts might be paid off, or they may be allocated in the property division.  A spouse might need to set up some new separate credit cards or accounts while they are still married and there is joint credit to qualify for the accounts.

7.  Managing Debt.  The  parties both need to prepare budgets for the interim while they get divorced and for their post-divorce lives.  Splitting debt 50-50 doesn't make sense if one person has very little earning potential and the other one has high earnings.  The parties need to be realistic.

8.  Allocating Investments.  Each party will probably want or need some investments, if there are some.  They should carefully evaluate the level of risk with each investment.  The parties also need to consider whether the investments promise short-term income or long-term value, and try to fit the investments with each party's needs.  Another factor to consider is how capable each party is to manage the assets.

9.  Updating Financial Planning.  Everyone should have a will and the wills have to be revised after divorce.  Other instruments, such as trusts, insurance, retirement assets, stocks and bonds, real estate and other investments will need to be revised or reconsidered.  You should work with a financial planner who helps people going through divorces.

10.  Providing for Legal Fees.  Since you will be going through a divorce, you will need a divorce lawyer.  Unfortunately, sometimes one party will try to prevent their spouse from hiring a lawyer.  Even in the most agreeable divorces, each side should have their own attorney to review the situation and advise the client.  One way or another, there's usually money available in assets, bank accounts or credit cards that can be used to hire an attorney.  Don't let your spouse talk you out of it.

Most people do a little research and think about the issues before they go see a lawyer about  a divorce.  This list will give you a starting point.  There are probably some issues not covered that may come up in your case.  Be prepared to discuss these and other issues with your lawyer at your first meeting.  Good luck!

It's Not Too Early to Plan for the Holidays!

Even though Thanksgiving and the holiday season seem a long ways off, you could make things a lot easier for yourself and your kids if you start thinking and planning for the end of the year now.  If there's any travel involved, you need to be getting tickets or arranging time off or taking care of various other details.  You will need to coordinate with your ex and it should be easier to do it now without the time pressure of being nearer to the holidays. It's also easier if your ex hasn't put his/her plans in stone yet.  You  would also have time to get reduced fares and to grab the time off before others at work claim it.

Here are some things to think about:

1.  Look at the schedule. Make sure you even need to have a discussion, before you get started.   In Texas, we have a standard possession schedule that covers the holidays.  Start off by looking at the specific language of your court order.  You and your ex can agree to change the schedule, but neither can force the other to do so.  It's better to find out now if you or your ex needs a change.  There's still time to get things done.

2.  Talk or email or text (politely) with your ex.  Don't demand or threaten.  If you don't need a favor now, you will need one later.  Don't burn your bridges by being unreasonable.

3.  Be clear and specific with what you need.  Beating around the bush wastes everyone's time.  What you want to do may not be too difficult, especially if your ex needs you to change something.  Spell out exactly what change you need.  Be clear so you can have a clear discussion and understanding.

4.  Listen to the other side.  Your ex may not be able to agree or may not be able to do all that you request.  If that is the response, you might discuss other options.  Always have a Plan B.  Your ex may have good reasons for not agreeing to what you request, but maybe you can still come to some agreement.

5.  Follow the Golden Rule.  Be willing to compromise.  You may need a big favor next year.  Until the last child is out and married, and maybe even after that, you need to keep a decent relationship with your ex.  You will be dealing with your kids for a long time, so don't be enemies with your ex.

So, be nice, be prepared and start early!

Changes Are Here!

After over five years with the same format and colors, we are trying a little different arrangement and different colors on the blog.  We may make a few other changes in the near future.

Please let us know what you think about the changes.  Thanks for reading!

How to Tell Your Kids About the Divorce

One of the hardest things parents going through a divorce have to face is telling their children about the divorce.  There are no easy answers and no single answer on how to do it.  The parents need to plan how and when to talk with the kids about the divorce.

Here are 7 tips about how to tell your children about an impending divorce:

1.  Right mood.  Timing is important.  Make sure both parents and the children are not tired, hungry, busy, upset or preoccupied. 

2.  Right time.  The conversation should be before someone moves out.  It shouldn't be too long before the move-out and not too close to the time, either.  A discussion at the start of a weekend, when both parents will be around for the weekend, can be a good time.  That allows the children to process the information and be able to talk with each parent, if they want to.

3.  Right people.  Both parents should be there and involved in the discussion.  "We"  should be used, rather than creating a blame situation, as appealing as that might seem to the "leavee".

4.  Right reasons.  Blame should not be discussed.  It's better to say something like, "We aren't getting along and we can't fix it."  That's a true statement and it doesn't attach blame.  There's no need to be too specific.

5.  Right response.  Listen to the children and respond to their questions.  Use age appropriate words and statements.  Answer their questions truthfully, but without assigning blame or giving a lot of details.

6.  Right (amount of) information.  Don't explain too much or give many details about what's wrong.  But, don't leave any hope of reconciliation.  If it is a surprise to the kids, they will need time to work through the idea of divorce.

7.  Right planning.  Be able to explain how it will affect the children.  That will probably be their biggest concern.  Will they have to move?  Where will they go to school?  Will there be enough money? Etc.  Don't over-promise and don't discuss issues that are undecided.  It's OK to not have everything figured out.

Most kids probably have friends whose parents have divorced.  Your kids have likely discussed divorce with other children at different times and may have thought about how it might affect their lives.  Don't be surprised if you get some strange, specific questions, or no questions at the start.  The discussion will probably extend over some time, so just keep these suggestions in mind.

Don't Listen to Bad Advice!

At the intersection of someone looking for support and someone wanting to be helpful, bad advice often rears its ugly head.  People going through a divorce are naturally anxious and vulnerable.  They worry about what is happening, what could happen and what didn't happen.  Many people worry a lot.

At the same time, other people are natural caregivers and supporters.  They want to give emotional support to their friend who is obviously struggling in a difficult situation.  They have good motives, but end up being unhelpful in most cases.

I have witnessed many times the combination of a needy person going through a divorce and a friend who wants to help who gives advice. The result is usually confusion and actions conflicting with what the attorney would recommend.

Here are the common actors in that situation; Don't Listen to These People!

Law-related:  Current or former court personnel, legal assistants, legal secretaries, law students, lawyers who don't practice family law, therapists and other professionals who sometimes work in the legal arena.  Sometimes such people who operate or worked on the fringe of the legal system may carry an impression of being knowledgeable, but they're not!  These not only are not your attorney currently representing you, but each one is not really qualified or appropriate for giving legal advice in a case they are not involved in.  What may (or may not) have been true or worked in another case may be ineffective or inappropriate in your case.  Their experience makes them seem qualified to help, but they're not.

Close by-standers:  Relatives, neighbors and friends.  The intention is usually good, but their experience or what they heard 2nd, 3rd or 4th-hand doesn't really work for you.

Non-law-related professionals:  Police officers are a prime source of unintentional misinformation.  Other professionals generally don't have good information for you either. 

What all of these have in common is that they are not the lawyer representing you in your family law matter.

Some common, problematic advice can include such topics as:

• A suggestion to take an action without discussing with your attorney.

• Telling you that you shouldn't, or don't need to, comply with a court order.

• Directing you on what to say or write to someone.

• Suggesting what you can do with some asset.

• Advising whether or not you should go to court.

The Best Advice:  Please just get legal advice from your attorney handling your family law case.

Divorce Over 50: Breaking Free

Divorce after a long-term marriage requires a lot of adjustments.   All the legal changes, living arrangements, family connections, financial uncertainty and a myriad of other issues can be overwhelming.  It all comes down to one word:  change.

Change can be very difficult for many people, especially at a time when they are looking for something to hold onto.  The reaction for some people is to slow down or shut down, to try to make the world move slower.  It's easier to understand things if they change slowly.

Some people will take slowing down to an extreme and will try to do nothing while they process what's going on and what they will need to do.  Sometimes, it's easier to hunker down and stay home in a quiet safe environment.  That can give people time to emotionally catch up with what's happening legally.

But, becoming immobilized can be dangerous over the long run.  If you find yourself in this situation, you cannot adequately take care of your own needs.  You can stay home and avoid people for a while, but soon, you will have to get on with your life. 

What if you get stuck in a rut and can't figure how to get out?  Here are some tips to help you break free of the physical and emotional paralysis that can easily overtake someone dealing with intense personal changes.

1.  Go outside.  Get some fresh air.  Take a walk.  Go to the mall.  Shop without spending money --just look.  Move around in public.  Don't be isolated.

2.  Exercise.  Join and use a gym.  Run, bike, climb or walk.  Getting exercise will have lots of benefits, from mental alertness to losing weight to meeting new people.

3.  Hang out at a coffee shop with a friend.  You can look around and take turns making up the life stories of the other people hanging out there.

4.  Go to a modern art gallery or museum.  Look for some art that you can understand or like.   If you already like modern art, go to a gallery or museum with some other type of art that you may not appreciate.  Have some fun with it.

5.  Go see a live play.  If you regularly go already, pick out a  theater that's a different type than what you usually attend.  Bonus points if you go with a friend and discuss the play afterwards.

6.  Go listen to a different genre of music.  Go hear classical music, if you don't usually listen to it, or go hear blues, country, reggae, bluegrass or something else you aren't familiar with.

7.  Fly somewhere on a whim.  Take a weekend trip on a "last-minute" special.  Go see a friend or a place you have been meaning to see.

8.  Help a friend with a problem.  You'll be amazed at how much that will help you.

9.  Try an activity from your youth.  Go dancing, swimming, boating, bowling or playing miniature golf, if you haven't done so for years.  You'll feel younger and act younger.

10.  Try an unusual restaurant.  Go to one that serves a different type of food than you are used to.  Expand your tastes.  Tell your waiter that it's your first time and you need some help and suggestions.

If you are a Baby Boomer exiting a long-term marriage, you need to expand your horizons.  You have a lot of choices and opportunities ahead of you.  To get a jump start, try some of these ideas.  Have some fun!

P.S.  If you have some suggestions, please send us a Comment (below).

Choosing an Attorney: Should You Get a 2nd Opinion?

If, after talking with a prospective attorney, you feel uncomfortable with the attorney, you should definitely go see another lawyer before you hire one to represent you in a family law matter.  

If you are considering using Collaborative Law to help resolve your family law issue, you need to have a trained Collaborative lawyer.  If you visit with an attorney who says he or she does Collaborative Law, and that attorney says you shouldn't use the process, you should get a second opinion.

You should start with the understanding that Collaborative Law won't work for everyone or in every case.  There may be legitimate reasons why it might be inappropriate, such as someone having serious emotional issues, one or both parties having unreasonable expectations or if one of the parties is untrustworthy, for example.

Sometimes, unfortunately, an attorney  may claim to do Collaborative work just to draw in business, and then the attorney talks the client out of using the process.  Trust your gut on this.  If something doesn't quite feel right, go talk to another Collaborative attorney and get his or her opinion about the suitability of your case for Collaborative.

Warning Sign:  There's a concern if the attorney tries to talk you out of using Collaborative Law, especially if  you and your spouse have investigated it and jointly decided to give it a try.  It's really suspicious if your spouse has already hired a Collaborative attorney.

What Can You Do?  Ask some questions.

1.  Ask if the attorney is a member of the Collaborative Law Institute of Texas, the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and/or a local practice group.  An active Collaborative lawyer will probably be in at least two of the organizations.

2.  Ask if the attorney has attended at least a 2-day basic training.  If he or she hasn't, they aren't trained properly and probably aren't able to work in the process.

3.  If the attorney has been to a 2-day training, ask when he/she last attended a Collaborative training.  You want someone who stays current.

4.  Ask how many Collaborative Law cases the attorney has handled.  If none, one or two, you should talk with someone who is more experienced.

Caveat:  Don't assume that an attorney who wants to use Collaborative Law in a case, but who has very few Collaborative cases completed, would be unable to competently represent you.  That's not necessarily the case.  Enthusiasm, current knowledge and the cooperation of the other professionals in the case will likely lead to a good result anyway.

Bottom Line:  Check qualifications, go with your gut feeling.

Are There Shortcuts to Divorces?

One of the biggest concerns of  people going through a divorce or other family law process is how long it takes to complete it.  Initially, it may just be one of the parties who is upset about the slow pace, but after a while, both parties often are very anxious to end it.  The parties often ask their attorneys to speed up the process, but that is difficult.  Your only avenue for quick action is to come to an agreement.  That involves the other side in the case, which means compromise.

If you find yourself looking for shortcuts in the divorce process, here are some things to keep in mind.

1.  Be clear with your attorney about what your objectives and priorities are. If you prefer speed over thoroughness or over cost considerations, tell your attorney.  If there are certain outcomes that are most important to you, such as getting primary custody or having an expanded visitation schedule or keeping the house, be sure to discuss those with your attorney.  To end the divorce quickly, your attorney needs to know what you absolutely need to end up with.

2.  Be prepared to pay more to your attorney in the near future.  If you want to speed up the process, that probably means that your attorney will get very busy and put in a lot more time on your case right away.  That means much more cost to you, so be prepared for that.  There is a trade off.  More work = higher attorney's fees.

3.  "Haste makes waste."  Benjamin Franklin's saying applies here.  You may miss something if you and your attorney are speeding through the process.  Attorneys will usually look through the information the get and try to figure out if anything is missing.  If you rush, you will probably not get a complete or accurate picture of the finances or other important facts.  That could cost you in the long run.

4.  Pushing hard to speed up the case could derail the process.  People need time to process issues and decisions dealing with family matters.  If you push too hard or push in the wrong way, your spouse may just stop.  It takes both sides together to move quickly through the legal system.  Your spouse could just freeze up if he or she feels too much pressure.  You have to think about the most effect way to motivate your spouse or ex.

5.  You may have to give up something you really want or expect.  It's normally not possible for you to force the other side to move quickly and to do things your way.  Quite often, you trade value for speed.  You have to decide if your spouse is demanding too much to come to a quick agreement.

Here are three points to remember if you think you want to try a shortcut so you can finish up your family law issue:

• Shortcuts aren't always short.  Sometimes they backfire.
• Shortcuts aren't always effective.  Your spouse or ex has a say in whether an agreement is reached.
• Shortcuts may turn into a bumpy road.  Getting to an agreement can be a very unpleasant process.

Overcoming a Friday the 13th!

Divorce is usually a tough process emotionally, so it's sorta like piling on to be going through a divorce, or any other litigation, and also have to deal with a Friday the 13th!

One of my favorite blogs is the Positivity Blog  and they have a post today that doesn't mention Friday the 13th, but it seems like it would be good medicine for someone having a tough day.  By the way, I think their ideas would also work on other days, but psychologically, some people may really worry about a Friday the 13th.  If you're one of those, here are some quick ideas for trying something a little different to just shake up your life.

If you're just going through a divorce or other litigation, and you're having a hard time, these little steps might help get you out of a funk.  Do something different and see if you feel better!

• Try listening to some music that you don't normally listen to on your iPod or whatever music source you use.  Try classical, blues, classic rock, country, bluegrass, zydeco or some other type that you don't usually tune in to.  You might really enjoy a little variety.

• Try eating a different kind of food if you go out to eat.  Most people get in a rut and eat the same type of food whenever they eat out.  Surprise yourself and your taste buds!

• If you cook, try a new recipe at least once a week.

• For a day, smile at everyone you see.  They may wonder why you are smiling, and they may ask, but that's not a bad way to start a conversation.  You'll notice a friendly response from most people.

• Stay off the Internet for a weekend.  Go no tech.  You will survive and you may discover an  interesting  new world co-existing with the electronic world.

If you have some tricks to beat the blues or break a bad luck streak, send us a comment.  Otherwise, have a good time today in spite of it being Friday the 13th!