How to Choose an Attorney

When you have decided that you either need to file for divorce, need to defend yourself in litigation or want to know your options, the next step is to consult with an attorney. If you know or have worked with an attorney, it may be easy to contact that attorney and set up a meeting.

On the other hand, if you don't have easy access to a lawyer, you may need help in finding one appropriate for your situation.

Preliminary Considerations

1. What is your objective? Think about what you need to end up with. Do you need cash now? Do you want to stay in the house or get money to buy another house? Do you need retirement assets? Can you handle debts? How will children factor in? Figure out what your needs and goals are so you can discuss these ideas with your attorney. If you have special needs in certain areas, it probably isn't in your best interest to try to just get half of everything. You can be more creative and better meet your needs by thinking about specific needs.

2. How much money do you have available? Frankly, this has a major impact on your course of action. Family law is expensive. Some people will try to handle everything without a lawyer and that sometimes works. For people with children, assets, debts, retirement accounts, houses, investments, professional careers and assets from before the marriage, a lawyer is really necessary. Fortunately, there is a wide range of attorneys available.

As you check around, find out the hourly rate, the amount of retainer and whether credit cards can be used. Some attorneys will use a credit card authorization with monthly payments instead of requiring a large retainer to be maintained with the lawyer. Bottom Line: find an attorney who is affordable for you and your budget. There are good attorneys in all price ranges.

3. Do you want a shark, a negotiator or a reasonable litigator? To help you decide that, you need to answer some other questions. Do you want a friendly divorce, a big battle or a private negotiation? Do you want to take care of your soon-to-be ex, or to be taken care of? Do you want revenge or to inflict pain and get retribution for your spouse's misdeeds?

Keep in mind that if you hire an attorney who will take a scorched earth approach to your spouse, you will pay for it. All the extra threats, demands, hearings, depositions, discovery, pleadings and a trial cost a lot of money. You can inflict a lot of pain on your spouse, but it will severely deplete your assets. You have to decide if the revenge or punishment meted out is worth spending an extra $50,000 or $100,000 or more.

Getting Started

Once you have thought about your course of action, you need to consult with possible attorneys. So, how do you find the right attorney?

1. Get referrals. Talk with attorneys, other professionals and trusted friends and relatives, and ask who they like and trust. But, remember that what worked for someone else may or may not work for you. Follow up with the next two steps.

2. Go online. Research attorneys in your area online. Look at their qualifications and experience. Check out their web site. Read their blog if they have one. You can get a pretty good idea about an attorney by reading what he/she has to say and how it is written.

3. Check for chemistry. Meet with one or more attorneys and see if the chemistry feels right. Some very good attorneys work well with some people, but can never please some others. Go with your gut on this. If you feel comfortable and communicate well with the attorney, that's a good sign. If something doesn't feel right, try someone else.

Final Note: Be honest with your attorney. Don't hide the bad stuff. The other side won't and attorneys hate surprises. Be ready to discusses your weaknesses as well as your strengths.

When Should I File? 10 Signs to Watch For

Everyone facing a divorce will wonder to some extent if it's the right time to file. If any of the following conditions exist, you should seriously consider filing for divorce -- after talking with an attorney. It is best to get the professional opinion of an experienced attorney to review your situation and make sure it is in your best interest to take that step and do it now.

If any of these things are happening, you should probably consider filing right away.

1. Violence. If there has been violence directed against you or your children, you probably need to get out. You may be able to get your spouse kicked out, but you should take whatever steps are necessary for the safety of you and your kids.

2. Abandonment. If your spouse has left, that's a pretty clear signal that the marriage is over. You should file to protect yourself financially and to take care of your kids (if you have any).

3. Hiding of Assets. If you discover, or suspect, that your spouse is hiding assets from you, a consultation with an attorney can help you decide what action to take to prevent the loss of assets.

4. Wasting or Disposing of Assets. If your spouse is spending money irresponsibly or getting rid of assets, you need to put a stop to it. Consult with an attorney about getting a restraining order.

5. Your Gut Feeling. Sometimes you just know that the time is right. You may not be able to put your finger on a specific reason or cause, but you know it's time.

6. Counseling Doesn't Work. You've tried counseling and you just didn't get the issues resolved. Often the party not initiating counseling is resistant and won't put in the effort to make changes. It's usually a good idea to try working with a counselor, but (as you undoubtedly know) you can't make your spouse change unless he or she wants to.

7. Hiding the Kids. If this is going on, you need to act right away. Go see an attorney!

8. Alienating the Kids. This is less obvious, but you may start seeing signs if the kids suddenly start avoiding you or saying hateful things to you. You need to get into court, get the kids into counseling and get some controls over your spouse. It is very difficult to stop and undo such behavior.

9. Running Away. If your spouse has run away with the kids, you need to get into court and get an order to get the kids back. Go see an attorney right away. You don't want to wait and allow your spouse to establish legal residence somewhere else.

10. Spouse is About to File. If you find out your spouse is about to file for divorce, you need to meet with an attorney and decide whether to try to beat your spouse to the courthouse or just prepare for a first court hearing. Either way, you need to consult with an attorney.

Hopefully, this list will help you think about the decision of when to file. The most important part of the decision is talking with an attorney to evaluate the situation. Good luck!

Announcing the "Getting Started" Series of Posts

In the month of January 2012, I will have a series of short posts on getting started on a divorce. The topics will include the following:

1. When should I file?

2. Who should I see? How to choose an attorney.

3. What information will I need?

4. What should I expect?

5. How much will it cost? Hint -- there won't be a specific amount.

6. Should I use litigation or Collaborative Law?

7. How do we tell the kids?

January is one of the busiest times of the year for divorce attorneys. Many people stay together through the holidays and then want to file for divorce right away. These posts should provide some basic information to help you prepare for divorce, but they are only a starting point. Be sure to discuss these topics with your attorney as you get started. Watch for the articles to begin in early January 2012.

When is the Best Time to File for Divorce?

If you are thinking about filing for divorce, one of the obvious questions is about timing. There is no simple, universal answer as to when the best time is to file. Sometimes, couples may think about, and even talk about, divorce for years and then finally decide to take the plunge. Other times, a quick decision is necessary. Here are some considerations to help you decide, if you are approaching that step.

1. When You Need to File. There are several situations that may lead to the conclusion that you "need" to file now.

• Safety: If there has been family violence or a serious threat of family violence, you should act. The threat doesn't have to be spelled out. Sometimes, it becomes obvious that a situation is about to turn violent. Or, you may hear something from someone else that contains a credible threat or signs of danger. You should always be careful to protect your own safety and the health and safety of your children. That may require you to file for divorce.

• Protection of Assets: There may be threats or actual steps to hide or dispose of cash, investments or other assets. In some situations, one spouse will remove all or a significant amount of the cash to "protect" it. Sometimes, access to accounts is changed. If any of these actions have occurred, or have been threatened, you should act to get a court to protect your assets. It's hard to get money back, once it's been spent.

• Preventing Runaways: Unfortunately, kids often become pawns in divorces. A parent may think that he/she will be able to get control or move a divorce to a distant county by running away with the kids. If you file before the runaway, most judges (at least here in Tarrant County) will not allow one parent to move away with the kids without the agreement of the other parent. If a parent has already moved away, you can usually get the kids back to Tarrant County if you file right away.

• Access to the Kids: Sometimes, after separation, a parent will just refuse to let the other parent see or talk to the kids without a court order. The parent in control often views the kids as possessions and worries more about how to control the other parent than about the kids maintaining good relationships with both parents.

2. When You Want to File. This refers to the situation where one or both parties have carefully thought about whether to try to save the marriage and have reached the decision that it would be better to end it. Often this follows counseling for one or both parties. That counseling will often help the parties accept the decision to separate and divorce, and the counselor can help the parties plan their futures. Filing at this stage is usually a little easier, but sometimes the other parent hasn't progressed to the point of acceptance, so it can still be difficult.

3. Calendar Considerations. This may come up if there is not an emergency. If there are holidays approaching, many people prefer to wait until after the holidays to separate and file. That is especially true if there are children. You may also want to consider the kids' activities and schedules so that you don't separate just before a big test, a performance or an important game, for example. In addition, you should talk with an attorney to find out if there are any other dates or events that could come into play. For example, the courts are really clogged from mid-July to mid-August with change of custody cases. It is hard to get much court time during that period. Experienced attorneys know when the courts are traditionally busy and can help you plan ahead.

Probably the best approach is to consult with an attorney early when you start thinking about divorce. You will probably have a lot of questions you want to ask, but don't forget to discuss timing.

Post-Divorce Paperwork and Actions

When you are going through a divorce, you are probably most concerned with the terms of the property division and the arrangements regarding the kids, if you have children. While those issues are truly life-altering, there are some other details that you shouldn't overlook as you start your recovery from the divorce experience. Your attorney may or may not discuss what you need to do to wrap up the paperwork and loose ends.

In case that doesn't happen, or in case you didn't pay real close attention, here is a checklist of steps for you to consider and take. These are not in order of importance or in chronological order. You can decide what you need to do, or your attorney can help you decide which you should do.

1. Update your life insurance, retirement accounts and IRA beneficiaries. That is especially true if your ex was the beneficiary. You can check with your agent on what you need to do. If you don't make the change, your ex could receive a big payoff someday. If minor children could be the beneficiaries, you should talk with an estate planner to figure out how to handle that.

2. You should re-do your will, and write one now, if you didn't already have one. You probably don't want your ex to be the beneficiary there either.

3. If you change your name, such as resuming your maiden name, you will need to take a certified copy of your divorce decree and make the changes on such things as:

• Social Security card
• Driver's license
• Credit cards
• Bank accounts and debit cards
• Insurance policies.

And there could be other accounts in your name, so keep a certified copy handy.

4. Change the car titles. You should get your car in your name and get your ex's vehicles in his/her name and out of yours. In Texas, there is a form that the County Tax Assessor/Collector has for you to fill out when you transfer a car out of your name. It's a good idea to file that so that red light tickets, parking tickets or toll road charges don't come to you after the vehicle is no longer yours, and you don't want to be responsible if someone has an accident in that vehicle after you really don't own it.

5. Close or separate joint bank and credit card accounts. You don't need to remain liable for your ex-spouse's debts or bad financial decisions.

6. If you plan to use COBRA to continue your current insurance policy from your ex-spouse's health insurance plan, be sure to file the paperwork right away. There is a very short window of time to do that. Afterwards, there's no way to get back in. Check with the company as soon as the divorce is final.

7. Exchange personal property and photos with your ex, if that hasn't already been taken care of.

8. Obtain separate auto insurance, if you don't already have it.

9. Change over the accounts and deposits for your home utilities, if that hasn't been done yet.

10. Check with the Post Office to make sure your mail gets delivered to where you live now and that you don't get your spouse's mail.

If you have other suggestions of steps to take, please share them by sending a comment.

Got Skeletons in Your Closet?

During this Halloween season, we often see skeletons as decorations for parties or businesses or for Trick-or-Treaters. We see so many that they usually lose their fright-invoking powers. It's all in fun for a good time.

However, in other contexts, skeletons in a closet can be a real problem.

What are they?
Politicians and public figures worry that bad behavior may be found out any time of the year. It's sometimes said that everyone has some skeleton in their closet -- something that could be embarrassing, illegal or just private, that they wouldn't want other people to know about. Sometimes the skeletons are from current activities or they might be indiscretions from their youth. Hopefully, the skeletons won't be massive or involving major liability in terms of criminal laws or civil damages.

Skeletons in family law contexts
In family law matters, skeletons sometimes come into play. They can be big or small. Quite often, they get built up in someone's mind so that they appear to that person to be huge, when in fact, they are not a big deal at all. On the other hand, some things really are big deals. Arnold had a huge skeleton uncovered when his love child was discovered. Affairs can become not just a skeleton, but an albatross around someone's neck, to mix metaphors. Criminal activities, financial mismanagement and addictions are all serious issues that can have a major impact on divorces and other family law litigation. In most divorces, there's something each side would prefer to keep quiet or, preferably, unknown. But it always seems to get out!

What should you do?
Rule #1: Tell your lawyer. Don't be worried about whether your lawyer won't like you or respect you. Chances are, your attorney has heard and seen much worse. One thing lawyers hate is to be surprised by the other side. Don't let your attorney first learn about the skeleton by hearing the other side break the news. Prepare your attorney with all the facts. Believe it or not, attorneys can usually put bad news into context and minimize it, if given the chance. If your counsel first hears some bad news as it is being drug out of you, there's not much the lawyer can do for you.

Quick Summary:

Lawyers Don't Like Surprises!

You need to tell your attorney the bad facts as well as the good ones so he/she has a chance to help you. You need to let the skeletons out of the closet.

Using Technology to Stay in Contact*

*A soon-to-be-obsolete checklist of new tools that you can use to stay in touch with your kids and other family member. (Please help by sending your comments with new ideas!)

When families split up, there's always a challenge in staying in contact with each other. Mostly, this is an issue for parents, grandparents and children, but it can also come up when parents are trying to coordinate their activities with their children. For our younger readers, these may not be big news. For the more "experienced" readers, this may provide some new tools to help.

Without further ado, here's a list of 10 relatively new "tools" you can use. I will mention some brand names, but I have no financial connection to any of them. They are simply things I have run across that seemed helpful, not too expensive and easy to work with. These suggestions apply whether the family members live in the same city, across the county, across the state or across the country.

1. An on-line calendar. Google has a calendar that is easily accessible and fairly easy to work with. In addition, there is at least one private company, Our Family Wizard, which provides a calendar that is popular and seems to work well. I'm sure there are several more such calendar systems and there will be even more. Just look around on line to find one you like.

2. Texting. This has become very common-place and is close to universal. It completely eliminates the old need to have scheduled times when children had to be home to receive a phone call from their parents. Instead, we can have frequent, short and more normal contact -- once you learn the abbreviations.

3. Cell phones. Similarly, this eliminates formal phone calls and allows frequent and fun informal contact between parents and children.

4. Email. This is probably better suited to older children and certainly for adults. It is easily eclipsing snail mail, but younger kids may choose other systems for their messages.

5. Skype. You can sign up for this and then have visual phone calls with your family and friends. Most new computers will have a camera, or you can easily find a very inexpensive camera to attach to your computer if it doesn't have one.

6. Blogs. It is easy to create a family blog that is not public. You can have it restricted to only specified people (parents, grandparents, children, cousins, etc.) and restrict the password. On the blog, you and family members could report on trips, events and activities. It could be like an annual holiday newsletter, but updated much more frequently. Different people can be given permission to write on the blog, so you can get a variety of personal perspectives. You can post photos as well. There are a number of free platforms for setting up blogs, including Blogger (Google) and WordPress. They are very easy to set up and require almost no technical knowledge. You would want to carefully protect your privacy with the settings.

7. Photo sharing. There are several photos sharing sites available for free, and you can use Facebook and email. Getting in the habit of taking photos with a cell phone (or a camera) and then immediately sharing them with family can be a great way to stay closely connected.

8. Facebook. You can keep up with current events and photos and you can send direct messages to your Friends. Facebook is very easy to learn and use, although you have to watch out for their frequent changes and you should carefully manage your privacy settings. Also, keep in mind that most of what you post will be visible to a large group of people, so think before you post. Google now has a version, so be prepared to work in both systems.

9. YouTube videos. It is easy to set up a YouTube account for yourself and YouTube has videos explaining how to do almost anything. If you need help understanding or implementing any suggestions in this post, just look for a YouTube video to learn how. You and your family members can post videos of yourselves and others, which can make it easy to keep up with each other.

10. Scan and send. Scanners are cheap and easy to use now, so you can capture photos or documents and then send them by email or post them on various sites. If you need to talk about vacation plans, for example, you can send information this way.

How to Get Started:
For more details on these various options, including how to do it, a good starting place would be YouTube. If you want to read about any of these, use Google or other search engines and look up the key words (the titles of the 10 methods, for example).

Now for Your Part:
Please send your suggestions and new tools to share with others who may be trying to maintain a distant relationship. Many of these ideas are not terribly new, but they are new additions to traditional post-divorce communications. I expect there will always be newer and better ways to communicate and your ideas can help many other people. Please send your comments with suggestions and products you have used or learned about. Thanks for sharing!

Planning Ahead for the Holidays

If you look at a calendar, it's only early October, but if you look in a lot of stores, they are running out of Halloween decorations and have had some Christmas stuff out for quite a while. Stores seem to run on a faster calendar than most of us use.

Nevertheless, this is really a good time to look ahead to the holidays coming up in November and December. While we only recently had our last 100 degree day here in North Texas, it won't be long before the weather cools and family holiday disputes heat up. Fortunately, there are some things you can do to minimize holiday stress in divorced or divorcing families. Here are my suggestions:

1. Start by looking at the court order or agreement. While there are some standardized possession schedules we use in Texas, they are often customized, particularly in temporary orders and in Collaborative Law agreements. Often, the schedules change every other year, so you should begin by confirming which schedule applies this year.

2. Give any notices now that are required. Sure, it's early, but it will help you and other family members to start working on scheduling. There's no harm in giving proper notices 30 or 60 days ahead. It will allow adjustments or corrections, if they are needed.

3. Start making travel plans. We all know that buying tickets early usually gets the best prices. Actually, it might have been better to get your November-December tickets back in August or September. Don't wait any longer for the best deals!

4. Start negotiating early if you need to change the schedule or any details. That allows time for the other side to think about your request and time to make changes before their plans are set in stone. Plus, sometimes it takes a while to negotiate, and this gives you the time you may need.

5. Be willing to adjust your plans around the schedule and needs of the kids and the other parent. Being able to compromise will normally result in a bigger pay-back later. Being unwilling to compromise may result in a big pay-back later of a different kind.

6. Meet with your lawyer early for answers and preparation, if necessary. I can assure you that your lawyer will appreciate an early start before the courts get clogged up with last-minute custody and visitation fights. Going to court early, before the holiday season, will give you a better chance of being heard by a judge who has time to listen to you. Sometimes the courts shut down near the holidays and sometimes they get overwhelmed by hearings. If you have something important to be decided, you want the judge to have the time to give you a good hearing.

7. Whatever schedule you end up following, be sure the kids know about it well in advance. It can be fun just telling the kids about what they will be doing. You can set the tone with positive expectations for the kids by being encouraging no matter whether the kids are with you or the other parent. On the other hand, if the kids are facing doing something that is not their favorite, you can help them get over it so it doesn't ruin the holiday. Be careful how and what you tell the children. Take the high road and help them see the positive side.

Take a little time now to review your situation and make plans for the holidays. That will allow you to have a much more enjoyable and less stressful holiday season!

7 Tips for Dealing with Debt

Even before the current prolonged economic downturn, many divorces ended up focusing on how to manage the community debt. Some married couples are fortunate and keep debt to a minimum, but a more common scenario is that the marital debt is a significant issue to be addressed either in court or in settlement.

If you are using the Collaborative Law process to resolve a divorce, you will probably work with a neutral divorce financial planner. In litigated divorces, we sometimes bring in a financial planner to work with one side in the case, and sometimes each party hires their own advisor. Working with an expert like that is invaluable in analyzing tax consequences and preparing financial strategies for negotiations or for court.

With or without a financial advisor, here are some suggestions to consider in dealing with debt issues in a divorce.

1. Be realistic. Have an outsider, like a certified divorce financial planner, review your situation and make suggestions. Don't over-commit or be over-optimistic. Your lifestyle will probably be lower post-divorce and it may take a while to get back on your feet. If you're in a hole, plan to take some time to work your way out. Don't try to do it overnight.

2. Go solo and end joint accounts, if possible. Don't pay off and close your individual credit accounts. Make payments, but keep them open. On the other hand, try to close out any joint accounts so that you will not be affected by your ex-spouse's future payment history, or lack thereof. You need to separate your finances, just like you do the other parts of your life.

3. Don't rely on your spouse. It may take you a while to transition to full separation and independence, but you should continuously work for that. Your spouse may have good intentions, but things like a job loss, health problems or a new relationship, among other things, can come along, and suddenly financial performance doesn't match their pre-divorce words. As soon as possible, you need to be independent. Get an expert, if necessary, to help you come up with your own plan.

4. Close out joint bank accounts. For a while, they might be a way for the spouses to show their trust and commitment to each other, but that changes over time. You both need to be independent. There are plenty of ways with electronic banking to make quick payments and transfers, so you don't need joint accounts. Having separate accounts also improves your security and eliminates any temptation to get financial revenge of the spouse.

5. Refinance you mortgage, if you qualify. You can save money, build separate credit and help your ex-spouse rest easier at night. It also gives you more financial privacy.

6. First, pay off the smaller credit cards in your name. You should also continue making payments on all your cards, but concentrate on the smaller ones and knock them off as soon as you can by making extra payments. Generally, it's usually better to keep the cards open after they are paid off.

7. As a last resort, you can consider filing for bankruptcy. For that decision, you should consult with a bankruptcy specialist. Most family law attorneys in North Texas don't handle bankruptcies. Just like you should hire a family law specialist for a divorce, you should look for a bankruptcy specialist to help you evaluate your circumstances. There are serious consequences to filing for bankruptcy, so consider carefully as a last resort.

Divorce can be devastating on finances, but it doesn't have to be. Careful planning, taking a conservative path and getting expert assistance will help you make the right decisions on debts and other financial issues.

For some additional ideas, see an excellent article called, "Know How to Get Debt Free after Divorce" by Amy Lewis in Ben Stevens' South Carolina Family Law Blog (always a good source) from August 8, 2011.

Fighting for Custody in a Paternity Case

Children are born out of wedlock under a variety of circumstances. Sometimes there's a long-term relationship, sometimes a one-night stand. Sometimes the father is involved all the way and sometimes the father isn't informed until months or years after the child's birth. Some fathers choose not to be involved and try to avoid responsibility. Other fathers try to be as involved as the mother will permit. Some unmarried parents work very well together, some don't get along at all, and others can set up a plan and follow it, even when the parents don't really like each other.

Obviously, there are many different circumstances when a child is brought into the world with parents who aren't married. One factor that almost always appears is a court order to officially establish who the father is and then set child support and terms of access to the child. It will also allocate the rights of parents between the two parents. All together, that amounts to a custody determination.

In most cases where a child is born out of wedlock, the child ends up with the mom who has most of the significant parental rights and has the child the majority of the time. The father usually is ordered to pay child support and has visitation rights. In the future, child support and visitation often become repetitive sources of conflict between the parents.

In a few cases, the father of the baby decides to try to win custody of the child. For the fathers who are considering such actions, here are some issues to consider.

1. Do you really want the responsibility that goes with having primary custody? Or do you just want a lot of time with the child? Do you want decision-making powers, or want to share them, or does that matter to you? What are your underlying goals or needs? These are questions you should answer and discuss with your attorney.

2. Are you prepared to take primary care of a child? Do you have the knowledge and experience to be able to deal with your child's needs in an age-appropriate manner? You can certainly learn, but there are a lot of things you will need to do that you may not intuitively know.

3. How do you compare to the other parent on parenting issues? Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. A judge will be evaluating both parents to determine who has the best skills, experience and attitude for taking care of a child. If possible, you should be able to demonstrate your competence as a parent.

4. If you haven't been the primary caregiver, why should the court switch to you? That's really a key question. Even if this may be the first official custody determination for your child, there is a natural tendency to view it as an issue of whether custody should be modified or changed, if one parent has had significant time where she has been the primary or only parent involved. You need to have some powerful reasons why the court should upset the living arrangements. It's not always best to leave a child where he/she has been, but it is common for a judge to start with a preference to not change a stable arrangement.

5. Ultimately, what is in the child's best interest? That is, absolutely, the bottom-line issue. You need to be able to articulate what the child's best interest is and why you are in the best position to help meet your child's actual needs.

If you are considering fighting for custody for a child born out of wedlock, you should think carefully before you start the fight. Try to figure out what your real underlying interests are. Don't get stuck just thinking about possible solutions. What are your strengths and weaknesses? Are you prepared for a tough, expensive and emotional fight? Think and analyze before you act. Get counsel from wise family members and friends, but lean heavily on the advice of an experienced family law attorney who has seen and been involved in such cases in the past.

Remember to look before you leap!